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#1406064 06/15/05 07:37 PM
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Emotional abuse was something that I was accused of after the bomb was dropped. Its something that has bothered me for a long time too. To make things clear, an affair was never admitted to nor did I find any real hard evidence before hand. She just came up to me one weekend & said that it was over for her.

We had gone to MC for 8 months prior. That in itself should have been a clue to me that MC was not working. Not to many go to MC for 8 months. I think the C was scamming us for the insurance.

Anyway, a little background....12 months prior, she took a night class to get her law enforcement certificate. This class met for 3 hours 5 nights a week. Things werent all that great before then. She was hanging out with an old HS friend...going to lunch etc. We had less lunch time together.

Well when the class started, she began to hang out with these new friends 3-4 nights after class. They would go out to eat & have a few beers. This was totally out of character for her. She wasnt much of a drinker before. During this 1st month of her night class...we never really talked to each other.

There wasnt any intimacy, deep conversations, etc. I could feel us drifting apart. I went into withdrawal. I guess I thought I could make her see that I was felling lonely & ignored....that maybe she would come to me & rekindle our love. That never happened. Two months into the class....On Valentines day night she stayed out with her friends eating & drinking instead of rushing home after class. I was crushed. This all led me to into further withdrawal.

One day soon after that, after her class...she comes up to me & says without any emotional expression that she had made an appt with an attorney. I was dumbfounded. I asked when did she make this appt..her response was that she did a few days earlier. I couldnt understand how she could have kept a straight face for a couple of days until she decided to tell me. I was so hurt by it all. I told her that she was cold hearted & cruel. I didnt call her names. I was just so shocked by it all.

That night she slept really well, i on the other hand slept in my clothes & didnt get a minute of sleep. The next day during lunch we talk about it & I convince her that we should see a MC. She agrees. I couldnt function at all that day...I was shaking at work. It all made me sick. That night we she comes home from class & tells me that some of her friends are going to a honky tonk. And that she wants to go. I go along....still in shock over this flip flop attitude she has. How can you tell someone one day that you want to see about a D, & then the next day want to hang out & dance with friends.

We start MC soon after all this. About 5 months into MC, I get suspicious. She has mentioned that some of the guys in her class make remarks to her & other women. She doesnt say that the remarks are unwelcome or make her uncomfortable.

One morning, I look in her car & find some hand written notes "I have a pair of pink thongs with your name all over them"..."Im not a bad girl...dont spank me too hard <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />". I was floored by finding such in her car. It was like HS behavior of passing notes in class. I held onto them until I confronted her in a MC session. She told me & the C that they joke around in class like that.

After we got home, I let her have it big time....I told her that she needed someone who was just as mean to her as she has been to me. That it was cold & cruel to do such a thing. She just kept saying she was sorry & that I was envading her privacy by looking in her car. I wanted her to cry about it...be remorseful. She admitted that she liked the attention she got in class & that she could control how she interacting in class. I forgive her & move on.

Later, 7 months into MC, I go out of town for the weekend for a job related function. She didnt want to go with me so I went by myself. A week after I got back, I got suspicious again. I found a credit card receipt in her purse for a cover charge to that same honky tonk we went to several months earlier..timed 1 am. At first when I confronted her about it, she told me she didnt go any where. After showed her the receipt, she admitted that she went with a female friend & that she didnt want to tell me because I would have objected to her going. No duh!

Well 8 months into MC, I get a new job in a bigger city 2 hours away. I thus get a small appt there b/c the drive is too much..I stay during the week & come home on the weekends. We meet in MC & discuss what is the next step. The plan is for her to move after her class ends. She seems excited at the prospect of a better paying job in law enforcement.

We live by this arrangement for about 2-3 months. During this time things with her dont really change. ((She had been mentioning this one guys name all throughout this time. That he was funny, hunted etc. At a party she attended she tried some venison...she just went on & on how good it was. I learn that this guy hunts deer. I never met this guy))

Well since I was no longer at home during the week...she can do what she pleases. Im sure she went out more to the bars, etc. I'll never know for sure. I know that she went to the movies, played pool, dinner with these friends of hers.

At the end of the 3rd month of living apart...the bomb was dropped yet again. Almost a year from the first time it happened. She tells me that she is not happy & wants out. That she wants to go hunting, fishing, get a truck, etc. That I wasnt the same person she knew from way back when. That she has changed & wants more in her life. I get really upset & tell her that she wouldnt make a good mother if she makes decisions based on reasonings like this. I leave crying.

The next day I learn that she went to this guys (deer hunter) house to eat with his family. She tells me that she needed someone to talk to. That he tried to cheer her up by going riding on 4-wheelers. She ate with his family...probably had venison. I sickened me how she could go out & have fun while I was trying to make sense of it all.

The next 2 weeks, I try to cozy up to her. I take her camping, horseback riding, bowling, etc. I then setup an appt with the same MC that just a few months ago we ended the sessions on a positive note. Its here that she pulls out some photocopies about emotional abuse...a Duluth Wheel. She explains to the MC that what I said about her not being a good mother is grounds for it. The MC agrees & says that we have created this wide chasm that will be impossible to mend. She tells me after the session that we are separated.

For the next 2 months we are separated with little contact...phone calls, emails. I learn that she had gone back to this same guys house around 2-3 times. Once for Valentines night, which btw was when I proposed to her a few years prior. She went to a party that night & drank until she passed out. She tells me this in an email.

I find out where this guy lives & go over there one day...I find her car there. She mentions on the phone that she had gone out to eat & that is was not any of my business where she went. During this time she starts to see a C for depression & I decide to see the same C as well for depression.

I try to communicate with her via this C. I learn from the C that she doesnt know what she wants in life...that she doesnt know who she is & wants to find herself. After being separated from her for 2 months, I got fed up & filed for D. I couldnt take it any longer. Before I did it, I left a copy of those notes she wrote months before at her work place so her peers could read them.

We communicated via the C & wrote each other closing letters. I explained to her what I thought was going on....never read her letter. One day I might. That was the last communication I had with her. Rush forward to a year later. I learn that she is now working in the same dept as that guy 'friend'. She has moved to the same town. Thats all I know.
Sorry for the long rant. I've tried to be as desriptive as I could.

Last edited by jrjr; 06/17/05 10:28 AM.
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jrjr,

I read most of your post.

I would respond, but I don't know what your goal is.

Do you have a question?

It seems pretty sure she was having an affair with the guy. After reading on this forum for 4 years, that's plain enough - classic, typical case.

All the stuff she was saying to you - blaming you (well probably most of it) was just hot air to shift blame. The counselors don't mind. The more they agree with whoever is complaining, the more money they make.

But what do you want now?
You are divorced, right?

-AD

Last edited by _AD_; 06/15/05 10:33 PM.

A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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I'm not really looking for anything.......but I suppose just some validation of what went on. Its been a year since the D & I still think about what went on. I dont want to play victim, but I dont want to play a fool either by denying anything that happened back then.
I guess my question would be...& one that I have asked myself over & over....was I emotionally abusing her?

I guess I want someone to pat me on the back & tell me that I tried hard & that I was an ok guy. I went thru so much pain back then. Ive learned alot about M & relationships now since all that. Ive got a small personal library just devoted to M & R.

BTW, I filed. She never mentioned the 'D' word. After I gave her work peers her little notes...she got really mad at me. Thats when I got the email where she finally mentioned the D word. But all in all, she was selfish just like the classic WS....thinking that what every makes them happy in a M is most important. Ive also learned that most C are worthless. If I could drop kick the one we had I would. He was a waste of time. He talked over my head most of the time. Ok I am babbling now...sorry

Sorry for the rant. Its been a while since Ive ranted. Ive kept it inside for so long.

I'm curious to where she has gone in her life. People have told me to let it all go. Its hard when Ive spent almost 7 years with someone.

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jrjr,

Well, I'm awake again, so...

It's good to see your reply.

I think I understand. You want to know you're OK - that it's not your fault - that you aren't "broken" - that you're as good as the next man.

Well, how would I know? How would anybody know?

What is "emotional abuse"?

What is "passive agression"?

Maybe they are only labels to stick on somebody when you want to blame them - and don't want to accept your own failings.

If you W was having an A (which she almost certainly was), who was "emotionally abusing" who? She was tearing your heart out and telling you it was your fault and you're a nice guy so you were thinking "well, maybe it's my fault". Almost certainly it wasn't. We've all got faults. You haven't told me about any of yours - but if all she could come up with is "emotional abuse", it doesn't sound like you have any roaringly obvious faults.

Should I read it again?

BTW, you should use paragraphs.

They help us readers alot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No kids, right?

Reading it again, I see the biggest problem is that you 2 lived independent lives - didn't spend enough time together.

How did you come out financially?
How's your job going?

What kind of friends/family/neighbors etc. do you have to support you - er "emotionally"?

You know, my marriage is coming to an end - and I'm interested in your state of mind right now, because a year from now, I don't want to be where you are - still wondering what I did wrong. It's a good thing to examine yourself - but sometimes I think the only real "emotional abuse" - is somebody blaming you for their failures, when they are the one who is betraying you.

My case is a little more clear cut - and less so - just different.

For our entire marriage, this other man has been a part of my W's life. At first, it was only an internet/phone thing. He was 8000 miles away and pretty much penniless. I didn't take him seriously, but I sure didn't like it. I tried to stop the phone calls - eventually did. Time went on, we had a child. For a year she didn't communicate with him - while she was pregnant and for a few months after - but she started up again - and moved out to an apartment when our little girl was 6 months old. OM somehow managed to get himself here a few months later - and 4 years later he's still here. W and I got back together in a new (huge) house - after 18 months of her having her own place. But she was sneaking out at night while I was asleep to go to his place. etc. etc.

I moved out 2 weeks ago - to another house I own. I'm not going back.

My daughter will be with me tomorrow night, so I'd better get back to bed and catch another hour of sleep - so I can stay awake tomorrow for her visit.

Write some more jrjr.

I hope you are able to get on top of things and find a happier future.

-AD

Last edited by _AD_; 06/16/05 05:22 AM.

A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
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OK, I read it again.

It sounds like she just wants to play around - doesn't really want to settle down. How old is she? Did she live at home with her folks until you married? Did she never get a chance to be independent for a while?

Meanwhile, you were begin the serious hard-working wage-earning man and she wanted a playmate instead. OK, everybody needs to play a little - but she should have drawn you out rather than looking somewhere else.

gotta sleep a little now.

-AD


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Thanks for the reply.

To answer some of your questions....yep she did live with her parents before we married. Actually she was finishing college at the time. I met her when she was 20 & got married when she was 22. I am 6 years older. So I suppose she never has had an independence in her life. She wasnt exposed to what the world had to offer. Never travelled, never went to clubs, never drank, etc.

Yep, no kids. We talked about having some early on. It just couldnt happen though. There wasnt enough of a financial stability in our lives then. We were renting appts & the money just wasnt there for us to have kids yet. I think that was one issue she had with me. She wanted a child(ren)...actually 4-5. Thats where we differed. I dont think we could have handled that many on our incomes. When she mentioned the separation, she did mention that if we did have kids, that she would have to work it out between us. I dont think that would have lasted long. I imagine we would have been in the same situation a few years down the road...just this time with kids to think about.

I really dont know if she just wanted to play around..I think it was more a matter of the perception that I was trapping her in a life that had boundaries. She knew in a marriage that you couldnt do certain things. I speculate that someone was coaching her. Telling her that she never had a single life & that its 'not fair' to her to marry so early & miss out on life. Who knows.

My faults.....hmmm I do think I used guilt to try to get her to think about how she would behave. But that was when she was doing some of those things I talked about in the previous post..behavior that jeapordized our relationship. I did have a porn issue for a while. Our SF life was not like I would have liked it. She mentioned that she was just too tired all the time. Even when I would make time...go camping or to a B&B....nothing would happen. I now know that SF is high on my needs list. She of course didnt like me seeing the stuff. I promised her I wouldnt & I didnt do it any more. But I dont think it was an issue between us later. She never mentioned it.

Some of the things she did mention as 'deal breakers' or at least things she mentioned were the breaking points were....
When we would go to the movie store, that I would go off browsing around while she paid for them. That I wouldnt stay by her side while we were in the store. To be honest, I never knew this was a problem until she told me this in an email. Another fault she pointed out...that I would walk in front of her while we were in the mall going from store to store. When I would come to visit her folks...after eating with them, that I would get up & go to the back room to watch tv...that I wasnt socialable with her family. I didnt know this was a problem before either. That I played guitar too much....that I wasnt 'country' enough.....that I didnt like to hunt...etc.etc

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jrjr,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you all day. I saw your post this morning, but I was just zorched myself and couldn't think about anybody elses problems.

It looks like I'm your only correspondent for the moment.

I have a suggestion. If you edit your first post at the top of this thread, you can change the title. Try something a little more ... a little more ... how is it called? Enticing? No, Provocative!

I'm not so good at coming up with the titles that will bring in the masses, but at least put a "?" in there. If you title it (at least) "Am I an Emotional Abuser?" it would be a little better. Maybe even "W had an A and left, so I'm an Emotional Abuser?"

There really are some wise folks who post here and it would be nice to get more opinions than mine.

Oh, and while you're at it, edit your first post to put in some paragraphs. OK?

My day went very badly. I could'nt sleep last night. I get exicted about spending time with my daughter. Then I was up since 3:30am. When I got to work, my wife called and asked basicly to take part of my evening with my daughter away. So, I was upset - and I told her to bring her at 6:30. Then I called back and told her to forget it - since I'm supposed to have DD all weekend anyway. Then I couldn't work, so I went home and slept 4 hours and back to work. I got home at 6 - and they never showed up. I couldn't remember what I said to my wife this morning - so I called and she seemed surprised that I expected DD today....

Now I'm writing like you...

I'll put it all on my thread later.

Oh yes, and my new $2000 mower has a problem already.

But back to you!

I'll be back in a minute to comment on your "case".

-AD

Last edited by _AD_; 06/16/05 11:02 PM.

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OK, let's start with your faults... and get them out of the way ... well maybe.

You know jrjr, they say around here that the only person you can change is yourself - and even that is hard. So, looking at your own faults and trying to correct them is often the best strategy to fixing your marriage (they say, I can't say that it worked in my case).

The porn problem is certainly something that almost every wife will object to - and persisting in it I'm sure would have hurt your wife. I don't know the extent of it, but I'm just affirming that if you were thinking it was a problem, you were almost certainly right. It's just mind polution.

Walking off and leaving your wife in the stores etc.... Well, I personally have found that really anoying when my wife does it to me - and it used to happen all the time. We'd be shopping. I would stop to look at something - and 15 seconds later, she would be out of sight. She just would not stop and wait for me. Sometimes I would lose track of her for a half-hour or more. So, I can agree that it is annoying - but unless she told you that it bothered her, there was nothing you could do about it - because you didn't know it was annoying. It may be that a big part of the problem is your w's failure to communicate her complaints to you.

Complaining is essential to a good marriage.

You can quote me on that.

The reason it is essential is that people, as individuals, vary quite a lot in the things that bother them - and the actions the expect from others. So, it is almost certain that if you put two people together - even good, well-meaning people - even people from the same culture, each is going to do some things which annoy the other - and fail to do some things that the other expects.

The only solution is for the offended person to complain. If your wife did not complain about the things that annoyed her, you had no way to adjust to her sensitivities and expectations.

On the other hand, if you didn't listen to her complaints, you were missing the chance to adjust yourself to fit her.

Of course, everybody already said

"Listening is essential to a good marriage."

So, you can quote somebody else on that.

Honestly, at this point, I would forget the term "Emotional Abuse". I think it is useless. You need some specifics. If somebody says "you are emotionally abusing me", you wouldn't know how to stop - since you wouldn't know what they were really complaining about. It's a useless phrase. If she said "I felt abandoned and unimportant when you wandered off and left me in the store", then you would know what she was talking about - and not wanting to abandon her nor thinking her unimportant, you might have adjusted your behaviour to better suit her.

Since she lived with her parents before you married, I wondering .. how much were they were involved in your lives after the marriage? Did her parents like you better than she did?

I can brief you on my "case". My W is an immigrant - and her parents, I realized too late, were very very intensely interested in having an american son-in-law. So that when my wife-to-be was doubting her decision to marry me, they leaned on her very hard to go through with it. BTW, I'm 20 years older than my wife. (shocking, no?)

Were your W's parents enthusiastic about your marriage - to the point where they influenced your wife-to-be at that point?

Did your w date a lot before she met you?

So, your W wanted children and you didn't? That's a major, major deal. There's no way around it. Having children is a #1 reason that a lot of people get married.

When you said "couldn't afford it", what is your context? Were you going skiing thrice every winter and to Europe in the summer? Did you each have a very nice new car? Were you exceptionially well-dressed? What were you doing with your money that your wife might accept as being more important than children? Or were you just dirt poor and didn't want to raise any poor children? My own perspective is that perceived poverty (at least by US standards) is no good reason to forgo the wonders of parenthood. In general, children cost you everything you've got. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> If you are rich, they are very very expensive. If you are poor, they are not so expensive. But all of that is water under the bridge for you.

I think if you want to search your soul and wonder "Am I an acceptable man? Whatis wrong with me?" and other such questions - at least in the context of finding yourself fit for a second marriage, you should probably consider the role of children in marriage carefully - and not get into a situation where you and your wife have different expectations. In my opinion, children are the central issue of marriage (no pun intended).

I had a co-worker a few years ago who divorced his wife because she didn't want children.

There is another poster here - SVB1 - who recently posted that her H was divorcing her in part (he says) because at the time when he wanted children, she didn't - and since, presumably, children were in his mind the central purpose of marriage - it put him off of the whole thing. I don't know if he's being honest with her or just looking for an excuse, but I just read it today on her thread. It's not a light matter.

When you said "I didn't think we could handle that many" (4-5) "on our income", well - I was thinking... they usually come one at a time. Most women find it a lot of work - and the work is a bigger factor than the expense. Chances are, her enthusiasm for 4-5 kids would have waned a bit before it became too much of a strain on the finances. My w and I have 1 - and she ... well, I don't know what she wants anymore. Maybe she'll marry OM and give him a child or two.

About the visiting with her folks. Yeah, I have a brother who does that - comes over and sits down and reads a magazine or watches TV. I find it annoying - and my w does too. I'd have to agree with her there, but still, she had to complain and you had to listen. I'm not sure she complained until it was too late.

You're not "country" enough? LOL. Well, once in awhile, I was "too southern". My w can't stand southern, but I was born in 'bama - and she met me here. What did she expect. Actually, I don't speak a seriously southern accent, so mostly I was OK. But, your wife knew you before you married. Complaining that you are not "country" enough is a low blow. But, I suppose if she invited you to hunt with her, I would have been a good thing to do.

Do you talk to her anymore at all?
Do you know what she's up to?
See her family anywhere?

Does anybody suggest that you should get back together?

What precipitated your arrival here on the MB forum?

Again, jrjr, I appologize for the delay in replying.

Best of everything to you.

-AD


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Oh yes, and keep your posts reasonably short. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

(not like mine)


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answering some of your questions (short answer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

No, I havent heard anything from her since last year. Its been a more than a year. The D was final last May, just a week from what would have been our 5 anniv.

I learned recently that she has changed jobs, moved to the same town & is working in the same sherrifs dept as the 'friend'. I found out from an online guestbook she signed.

I havent seen her family nor anybody with both know. I dont live in the same town as her. I live about 90 miles away in a bigger city.

No one has mentioned getting back with her or contacting her. Their advice is to move on & forget her...which I have.

I arrived at MB last year...Feb 2004. This was 2 weeks after she dropped the bomb. I had never heard of Dr Harley. I did have Dr Phils book though. I got it early on in our MC sessions. I tried to get her to read it....she said that she didnt have time.


I have addressed my faults. I am trying to make myself better. No more of the destructive behavior in my life.

You are right, communication is the key. She never expressed any concerns about any of these issues UNTIL after she dropped the bomb. There was no mention these in our MC sessions that we went to for 8 months.

I wouldnt just walk off in dept stores. I would tell her, what section of the store I would be in. Her specific instance that she referred to involved only movie gallery. Its a small store that you can see over the displays. She thought I was embarassed to be with her when I would browse or in her words..walk off. I was not though. We never talked about this before d-bomb day, not even in MC. It was all new to me.


Her parents werent all that involved in our M. They are elderly....her dad is 80 & her mom mid 60's. She is the product of a 2nd marriage. I think her mother might have left her 1st husband for her dad. Im not sure though...but things look too odd like it did happen.


My parents were way concerned over me marrying her actually. My dad was mad at me. He had a gut feeling that something was wrong with her. wow...

We dated for 2 years before M. I dont think she dated much. Maybe 2 bfs. I think that had a lot to do with it.
She hated all the girls in HS that got attention from the guys. I believe that she held on to that resentment. Later, when she got attention directed to herself...it made her feel great. She told me this in her weird attempt at explaining her little notes she wrote.

I answer more later.
Thanks for the responses.

I feel for you in your sitiutation. I'll comment on yours.

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jrjr,

Just a thought about your XW's work...

There are some careers where the "workers" tend to be somewhat clannish - and I think law enforcement is certainly one of them. Being "a cop" divides you from the rest of humanity and unites you with all the other cops. Marriage to a "cop" is a dicey thing.

People in law enforcement share high-intensity experiences which give rise to strong emotions. Sharing those experiences together is a bonding force. "Outsiders" don't "understand".

Medicine is another career area in which this kind of effect comes into play.

There was a guy here who's w was in the forest service - and off she went to hang out with all her ranger guys at every opportunity.

The military is another such profession - and there are dozens on these forums dealing with infidelity of a spouse in the military.

Not only do these kinds of careers have this sense of strong group cohesion and apartness from the rest of society, but they also have a lot of unsupervised time in which things can go on that simply could not happen in a more structured work environment. On top of that, they are professions in which women are in the minority - so a woman has her choice of available guys.

All together, these factors make it much more likely (in my opinion) that a woman in such a profession will have an affair.

There's a poster here called OHCopLover (or something like that). His w was/is a cop. I haven't seen him around for awhile. Maybe if you post a thread "Calling all husbands of cops", he (and others) will show up.

BTW. There is a post-divorce forum here (actually 2 of them) which might fit your situation better than GQII.

-AD

Last edited by _AD_; 06/17/05 12:25 PM.

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jrjr,

If I understand correctly, the discovery that your W has moved to the same town as "that guy" is what brought you back to the MB forum this week. Am I right?

-AD


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Well I have known for awhile that she has moved. But I suppose it took awhile for it to sink in my mind. To me it just kinda confirms everything. Its too much of a coincidence.

I realize that marriage is not for everyone. That maybe its not meant for her. Its meant for me. I really want to share my life with someone. I believe I have been given a second chance at that.

Oh yeah...the 'country-southern' reference that she referred to me as not being enough of. I have no idea where she was getting this from. It came way out of the blue. I think she made that statement as a comparison of me to someone else...her 'friend' perhaps. That I was 'country' since I didnt hunt, drive a pickup truck, water ski, etc. Her interest in all that is new. She never liked hunting. She resented her half brother for hunting...on Christmas...for not visiting their mother. She never displayed an interest in being 'more country' or whatever that means. Whatever.....she was being coached I truly believe by this guy & her other friends.

I'll post on the other board.

BTW, so sorry for your situation. I'll try to post more later.

jrjr #1406077 06/20/05 07:57 AM
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Hey Jrjr,

First, I'm not trying to run you off - quite the contrary, I'm interested in what you have to say about your first year of D, so please keep up your posts here.

Also, you might drop in on the thread called "Grey's Campfire" some night and say hi to the guy's there. They're a pretty low-key bunch and would, I think be glad to "talk". One of them is D'ed and thinking about dating (that would be GreyCloud). Others are still married.

I think you are right that she was being coached - and honestly, I don't think this had a lot to do with you. Nothing wrong with you, just something going on with her.

I'm surprised that it took a while for it to sink into your mind. It wouldn't take long to sink into mine. LOL. It may well be that she's living with the guy.

Sorry. All of this stuff hurts. We talk about it so much that it's like some abstract forumla, but it's all tied up with pain.

It's all the same story : "Once there was a girl who loved me - and now she doesn't." No way that can't hurt. Still hurts me - when I let it. And I think that post-D, when I see WW going more open with her relationship with OM - it will hurt even more - in part because people who like her will have to take sides - and they will take her side. They will, perhaps, smile and shake their finger at her, but they will invite the "couple" to dinner and etc. while I'm out in the cold. Yeah, when I "move on" and have a girlfriend, they'll perhaps invite me too. People are strange - but mostly they just don't want to bother with conflict and other people's pain.

But you, at least, having no children with her, don't have to have any contact with her at all - so you can get away from the pain. I have to communicate with my STBXW on a regular basis for the next 14 years at least - and pay her CS too.

As for me, my weekend was OK. I dropped DD off at her Mom's at 7:06 am this morning - 6 minutes late, but my W was clearly awakened by the doorbell, so we might as well have eaten breakfast before we came. I left two perfectly good PBJ sandwiches (DD like's em 24/7) and a cup of coffee on the counter in the kitchen 'cause I was afraid to be late and make my W even more angry.

-AD


A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
_AD_ #1406078 06/20/05 08:30 AM
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jrjr, come to my thread. One of us, one of us...

I'm going to reread this thread when I'm not at work, but I think you're probably experiencing some kind of delayed-onset grief. It sounds like you were cheated out of the knowledge of how truly horribly your wife had betrayed you.

GC

graycloud #1406079 06/20/05 09:14 AM
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Thanks you guys for understanding. I'll try to post here at the forum more often. Maybe I can help other people riding this rollercoaster that I once had to endure. So I'll definitely join any discussion that might help others.

Well, to be honest, it didnt take a lot of time for it to sink in. I knew what was happening at the time, but maybe I was denying that it was going on. I unlike a lot of others had a premonition about what she was going to do. I just had a sense of it. I even mentioned it to my family.

Was she coached? I think so. She had people who she worked with & knew in class that went thru a D. This 'guy friend' has been married before at 21 & at the time when she dropped the bomb on me, he had just broken up with his fiance. Seems like a real winner to me.

Maybe she is living with him. Or rather he is living with her.....lol From what I found out about him that is his MO. He shacks up with divorced women but still has a little house next to his parents home. Hopefully she will just be another one on his list. I want her to suffer emotionally. It may take awhile though.



I suppose I could talk about my year after the D. My advice, work on yourself. Workout,get in-shape & take on a healthy lifestyle. I mean really get in shape. I wished I did. It takes time to do, but it keeps you focused on improving yourself. Update your waredrobe. Get new clothes & find out what is going on in the fashion world.

Right after the separation, I went out to bars & got on the online dating sites. I met a lot of women...dated a lot. I went overboard. I wasnt even D yet. Not a good idea. After the D, I was still dating several women. It felt weird to do it, but I wanted the companionship & the idea of someone wanting to be around me..it made me feel good about myself.

Stop reading about what went wrong in the M. Instead read about what makes a one good. Focus just on the positives.

jrjr #1406080 06/20/05 09:22 AM
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I did all this preparation to purge myself of any feelings I might have had left for her. I wanted the next serious relationship to start off new.

I suppose I hate the fact that I have to start over. I feel really sorry for folks that have been M for quite a while. My 4.5 years seems trivial to some time periods that people have stated that they were married for. If we would have been together for 10-20 years with children, this would be soooo much harder for me to go thru.

Maybe this all some sort of delayed grief.
I have to admit to some shallowness though. I do miss her physicality. Thats shallow I know. I dont miss her personality or what she had to say or what she believed in or things the she liked to do.....basically I dont miss her inner self at all.

jrjr #1406081 06/20/05 09:34 AM
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jrjr,

The "getting in shape" is really a big deal for me. I think being out of shape is a major factor in the failure of my marriage. That is my own perspective only - and not something my W has said. The most serious effect is on my confidence as a man. The OM is 15 years younger than me. I'm a bit taller, but not enough to accomodate the extra 40 pounds. My lack of confidence in the ... er... bedroom is, I think a serious ...er.. turn off to my W - more so than the physical reality of whatever sorry shape I'm in.

Really, I don't want any "action" with her - in my present shape - as I feel so utterly "rejectable".

-AD


A guy, 50. Divorced in 2005.
_AD_ #1406082 06/20/05 10:00 AM
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Very interesting that you would say that. After we separated, I got her to read (or just look at) Dr Harleys workbook. We were both seeing the same C for depression. BTW I think her depression was a by product of her feeling guilty.

Well, she wrote in the SF area of the workbook that she was more than satisfied with that need. Come to find out though, SF was not high on her list of needs....not really a shocker, most women dont rank it high anyway. Ive always been coinfident in that respect. But I wasnt coinfident in being myself out in public.

Getting in shape will be a great confidence builder for anyone. You win either way by doing it.

jrjr #1406083 07/27/05 12:11 PM
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Its been awhile since I have posted here. Here is an update on what I have found out.....

I got curious & went online to do a little web searching. I thought, let me see if there is anything out there. So I went online, to make a long story short, and found that my xWW(?) name was in a county public record data base.

I've always put a ? after xWW, because I was never fully sure that she was wayward. I suppose all the signs were there...but I was in denial. I know that some of you have stated that she definitely was involved in one.

After viewing the record I was saddened. It was a record dated 2 months after the D. Which btw I instigated due to her wanting a separation & NC. We were separated for 2 months before I filed.

Anyway it had her name & the name of the guy I long suspected as the OM. He was a guy she met in her night class a year ealier.

The record was for a property mortgage. So I suppose she had bought a mobile home (it was for $22k).

I never thought finding this sort of information would bother me. But it does. It hurts to the core.

I hate her even more now. Her friends knew this was going on way back when we first separated. I hate them too.


Today is just a bad day for me.

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