I was cleaning out the hall closet this evening, when out of a gift sack (yeah, I save them) fell a bunch of confetti. Funny how that crap lingers around for ages, confetti.

The confetti was from a huge surprise birthday party I had for Patriot when he turned 30. Who would have thought that a bunch of harmless, metallic little "30's" all over the floor could have sent me reeling.

The birthday party was great. I planned it for about a year. I invited everyone he knew, even some of his old army friends from out of town (he didn't even know I had their addresses). EVERYONE showed up. He thought we were meeting another couple for dinner at this restaraunt and club downtown. He was shocked speechless.

I spent the entire time he was out of town (serving his country) preparing, and the kids helped. I decided to make it a Lego theme, because he LOVES Legos. I bought a scanner and enlarged photos of him at all stages of his life and put them in these clear plexiglass frames that I had hot glued Legos to. I used the pictures to decorate the tables. I also used big Jumbo Legos for random table decorations. There were balloons and I even found a bakery to make the coolest Lego cake. It looked like big stacked Legos. I spared no expense. I sprinkled the tablecloths with confetti that had a bunch of glitter, stars...and these little "30's".

These are the same little "30's" that had me sitting in the hallway floor, bawling my head off...because the whole time I was planning this grand surprise party, he was not off "serving his country". He was really in the Bahamas with OW.

Sometimes I feel like such a stupid, naive fool.

I just needed to get that off my chest - didn't have anyone to talk to.

((((((((frozen)))))))))

I'm with you! I hate triggers. Today I was cleaning up the pool house getting ready for the summer season and came across things that OW had given us as gifts over the years.(BTW those things are now in the trash) And a flash of all those parties where I invited this woman into my home and welcomed her family, one year I even asked her to make MY H birthday cake. It just makes me sick. The good memories are now overshadowed. It sucks! I guess we need to make new memories...that don't include OW.

Here's to NEW memories, C42.

(((frozen)))

I hate triggers, too. My anniversary is a trigger because while I was so proud that he had reinlisted two months after 9/11 and he was away on our anniversary at Great Lakes, he was making out with the OW in her car.

Then there are the pictures taken in Guam, our last duty station. He sent pics of him and our kids to the OW...I can't bear to look at them, so I hide them.

We're making new memories now, but I know the old ones still haunt me when they creep up.

Aaagh, triggers suck!!

I was cleaning out a kitchen drawer and found a fancy wine bottle stopper WH bought for me on our 15th anniversary vacation last summer. He bought another one as a gift for his "boss" at the same time. I am fairly certain, now, that he really bought it for his MOW, because she collects items with the same motiff (gag).

Pebbles,

So did'ja keep the wine bottle stopper or what?

I don't care how fancy it was, I would have thrown it away.

You probably wouldn't believe (or maybe you would) the things I have disposed of since D-Day. Everything thing from his underwear, his former cologne (actually the first to go...the smell of it nauseated me), clothing, his TRUCK, his travel shaving kit, 2 beach towels we actually paid a steep $40 for in Hawaii (the trip when he proposed to me, during the A). The list could go on and on. I even threw away a perfectly good bottle of Bath & Body Works shower gel (tropically scented) because I now hate anything tropical because of Hawaii and the Bahamas.

I haven't decided what to do with all the photos from that time period. I used to be VERY into scrapbooking. I have quite an expensive inventory of scrapbooking tools, etc...I kept promising him I would organize all that stuff and get it out of the living room. I DID manage to get it out of the living room, and moved the whole pile of it (unorganized) into the bedroom. That's as far as I got.

I scrapbooked that whole surprise birthday party into cute little pages...I feel like shredding the whole album now. But so far, I just let it take up space in the bedroom. I don't even want to look at those photos long enough to shred them.

I'll let myself feel these crappy feelings a little while longer tonight, and then tomorrow is a new day. I hope I threw away all those stupid glittery "30's". I do need to finish that closet sometime. I hope I got them all picked up.

I actually read a thread once about triggers people wished...such as:

I wish OW had been a maid...so I would have an excuse not to do housework anymore (way too painful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />), etc...

It was good for a few laughs. I guess humor can be found in just about anything if you look hard enough.

One time, my sister (the youngest, most spoiled one) was being lazy and didn't want to get up to get something. My mother told her that a little exercise never killed anyone. My sister, quite witty sometimes, replied with "Uh huh - It killed Papaw (great-grandfather)."

That spunky old guy fell over dead while riding his stationary bike.

There is a bit of humor in everything, if you look for it.

Not seeing it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

My most recent trigger was when I did the laundry for my son and his girlfriend. His GF wears these pretty, sexy, cute little panties. The type that I could never wear and look good in. I am overweight. Been one of those lifelong dieters. I was overweight when my xWS and I met and married. He always said he thought that I was a beautiful woman..period.

As I was folding her panties it triggered a memory of when I had gone to "visit" my WS at his new apartment. I had filed for divorce (hadn't found MBs at that time) after finally confirming his affair. I had found out that the OW was 21 years old, and was 7 months pregnant with his child. He and I were both 47 years old at that time. Neither of us had wanted to have anymore children. Ours were from previous marriages and were older teens. His oldest was the same age as the OW!

My WS had been refusing to let me know where he lived for a few weeks, in spite of saying that he wanted to work on reconciliation with me. Gave me a wrong address...didn't have time with heavy work schedule...etc. He adamently denied that the OW or anyone else was living with him. I finally insisted that he allow me to come to his place or I would not consider reconciliation.

Well, I could come over, "but only for one hour". He had things he needed to do. (Yeah, like pick the OW up after her Recovery meeting that lasted during this same hour??!!)I walked into the apartment. Sat down for a few minutes. Asked about some new candles he had. They were from "friends who wanted to give me a house warming gift". Then I got up and proceeded to deliberately go searching through his apartment to look for any signs of a female living there. He was dumb founded! He asked me what I thought I was doing. I told him I was looking for evidence of a woman living there. He told me to get out of his place or he'd call the cops, etc. Oh well, that was the least of my concerns at that time! (Besides, he didn't own a phone. It would take him at least several minutes to get to one. I would be gone by then!)

I went into a second "bedroom". There were bags there that I knew weren't his and a closet full of women's clothing. He said that the daughter of a friend needed some place to temporarily store her clothes. She had just been evicted from her apartment. (Yeah, right!!!!) I proceeded to tell him that for a man who claimed he wanted reconciliation, I would think he would want to avoid the appearance of any wrongdoing.

I then kneeled down and grabbed a duffle bag from off the floor. I started rummaging through it. There was a bottle of pre-natal vitamins with the OW's name on them, a list of baby names written in a penmanship that wasn't my husband's....and several pairs of beautiful, sexy, cute matching bras and panties. Tears came to my eyes and I looked up at him and said "Now I know why you prefer her to me. Who wouldn't if she has the shape to wear these types of things." And I was very serious about what I said. I truly believed it, felt it, and meant it.

I HATE triggers!!!!!!

(Of course, I later remembered that she sure wasn't wearing those cute "little" bras and panties at 7 months pregnant! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />But,it still hurt...really bad.)