What were the beginning months of recovery like? Can you describe the ups/downs and when things started really looking up?

Sometimes, things go really well and then they go so badly. I have seen a lot more effort on H's part to meet my ENs and be kinder during the last 3 weeks, but sometimes he can really LB me and he is very hurtful when he does it. He does not protect me or the marriage. I have seen glimpses of the man I love in there, but then I see this other man he has become and I feel hopeless. He cheated on me too and I do not act the way he is acting. I am working very hard with JHC and my IC to work on me and what I need to improve. Everyday, I am looking at my actions and who I am and trying to be a better person in this marriage. I am really proud of myself.

Also, there has been a fair amount of re-writing of marital history and that can be very frustrating. Obviously, we had issues or we would not be here, but we were very happy together for a really long time. We have a strong foundation. We went off track and were not meeting the most important ENs, but we were not hopeless. We always talked about how lucky we were that we were not like other couples. Now, I feel like he does not remember the good stuff...only the bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please give me some examples of what you went through and how you got through it.

Thank You-
Improving

it doesnt happen overnite... i can say that and to be honest.... ups and downs should be expected. i use to go up and down more than a rollercoaster in the first 4 months or so and then they waned more and more and more until it was just a minor thought that quickly disappeared (at about the one year mark or so)

success stories..... be patient, one day you'll write your own

wwl

I am expecting the ups and downs. The downs are hard to deal with (especially when I am on my cycle at same time). It helps me to read others' experiences and to get some more hope. Where you the BS?

yes.. i was the BS. recovery i think is hard both for the BS and WS. each are hard in their own perspectives, there own mental healing is different.

wwl

I'm headed to bed now, but I want to answer this post tomorrow afternoon. And I'm interested to hear the responses, as well. :-)

I'm no expert but I imagine that time is the most important factor. That and not setting up the spouse for failed expectations. What you may think should happen may not be what your H can give you at the moment. You both have a lot to work through and while you may be farther along in your own recovery, he may not and may be working through some personal issues that both affairs brought up. Need to remember that each of you is a different person.

Thank You. Do you have any specific examples you can relate to me? I am sorry I cannot remember whether you told me how long it had been since D-Day. Does your H show remorse and if so, when did he start doing so and did he do it more the further out from the A you got?

Thanks.

Yes, I had high expectations at first and that created a lot of trouble. That is part of why I am asking these questions--I'd like a general idea of what recovery will most likely be like. I know each case is different, but it helps to know what others have been through. I keep trying to picture a roller coaster in my mind.

If you do not mind me asking- are you the BS or WS? And, what was your recovery like (brief synopsis)? Has the WS showed remorse?

Thank you

OK...I'm the BS, and we're just over a year into recovery now. Wife had an online EA, and d-day was hell. When confronted, she proceeded to move into a motel pending flying to live with OM...whom she'd never met. Long story short, she didn't fly, and that basically ended the EA. Contact remained intermittent for about a month and a half, but the REAL withdrawl happened in our case with the death of the EA. Lasted about a month, and was very rough on both of us.

Once she got through the withdrawl, she VERY clearly made the choice to work on our M. She does show remorse, but the A hasn't been a major source of discussion for months now. We do still attend marriage counseling, and that has helped us a LOT!

But a lot of the recovery length and difficulty depends on the length and type of affair. Ours was a little easier than most, as her EA was no longer than two months at most.

Owl-

Thank you, this was exactly what I was looking for. Has it been a real roller coaster ride for you two? If so, can you describe that a bit--the parts that happened in recovery, but after withdrawal?

Did you follow the MB principles or just what the MC had you do?

Thank you again--this made me smile!

How recovery goes really depends on how the A ended. In a situation where the WS makes a decision to end the A for the purpose of working on the M, I think that's when you have to expect a wild rollercoaster ride while in recovery.

In my case, my W had her eyes opened to the kind of person that the OP really was. Things were said and done that made her realize that he really wasn't all she had thought he was for so long. This made ending the A once and for all a much easier decision and on that she could stick by.
It also allowed us to have a very easy recovery....easy compared to the year of back and forth we experienced before that.
For us, the last year plus has been very easy and natural. There really were no ups or downs, but it's all a case by case. There are a lot of factors that figure into it....one big one being how the A ended.

Not always, High Road. My wife didn't end the EA of her own accord...actually, OM ended it when he knew that she wasn't sure WHAT she wanted. But...after the withdrawl, she could realize that I'd been there for her the whole time...it showed her just how much I really do love her.

Hadn't heard of MB at the time all this was going on, Imp. And our first MC wasn't any real help at all...she basically sided with me (which was gratifying, but not helpful in getting my wife to work out her issues) and also wanted to do the whole "fix yourself first, then we'll work on the marriage" thing...which neither of us liked.

We basically began rebuilding our marriage from it's foundations...which were pretty awesome for many years before all of this happened. Then when we went to the MC we've been with for a long time now, it just solidified all the work we'd been doing. I use a lot of the MB principles when we deal with things, and my wife's familiar with them although she's never read any of this.

It was pretty rocky for the first two months for us. After that, the rollercoaster has mostly been mine to deal with. Depression, PTSD, self-worth issues. My wife has been as helpful in dealing with this as she can, but once she made her choice to work out our M, she hasn't really looked back since. And she IS happy where she's at now.

The rollercoaster will get easier over time, and as trust is re-built between the two of you.

I am a little confused about why choosing to end the A for the marriage would cause the roller coaster ride. Oh, I see what you mean, as opposed to it ending a more natural death? For me, I ended it because I knew I never had any intention of leaving my H, I wanted our M to work, and I saw things in OM that I did not like. I was coming more and more out of the fog with each day. I thought, why am I risking everything when what I really want is my H and my M? That was the beginning of the end for me.

H on the other hand, had multiple false recoveries and is still in withdrawal (though this is improving). The false recoveries really affected me...still do. We are in different places with recovery and withdrawal. I am trying to be understanding of that.

Also, he has had some resistance to MB, the lessons, counseling, and EPs. I was pushing pretty hard for these things because I was so scared of another false recovery. Now, that I have relaxed and allowed him to meet me on his own terms, things are much better. But, I do long for more of a connection and remorse. He has been meeting my ENs much more in the last 3 weeks and that has felt really nice. Trouble is, his LBs can really decrease the Love Bank sometimes.

Do you ever discuss the A? Are you in MC?

Owl-

Can you describe what you did during her withdrawal?

My H is working on "fixing" himself first too, which is hard for me. Sometimes, I feel like we are adversaries as opposed to two people joined up trying to save our M. He states it is so he can work harder on us and give the M the attention it deserves. I think working on yourself does help the M, I just wish I felt we were a bit more in sync and that we were sharing what we are learning in IC more.

Our foundation is very strong too-- though H has re-written marital history somewhat.

What sorts of things have you gone through specifically as the BS and how would you want those things handled? I want to care for my H as I know my A cut him to the core (as his did to me). Any advice from the male perspective?

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />