Hi again,

This has been a tough week. My wife went on vacation with her parents and took our daughter. I used a lot of leave after d-day, so I didn't have enough to go, and also at the time they were planning the trip, we weren't sure we would still be married.

As of today, my plans are to still go ahead with the divorce. Prior to leaving, my wife was still not talking about, well anything. She had just had contact with the OM, and she didn't want to address what this betrayal meant to me or our relationship. She was just mad that I had someone spy on her and that I showed up and confronted her in front of her co-workers.

She's not sure she wants to divorce, but she's not happy and she's not willing to change.

So here I am at home alone for the past 3 nights going through everything that happened and all the lies she's told and refused to address. I've considered calling the OM or his live-in girlfriend, but I just don't know if I want them to be in my life in any way. It feels wrong for some reason. Even knowing that I am most likely heading to divorce, I still don't have any resolution.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and wanting to vent.

Hope everyone is doing well,

GTO

grove, I am sorry that you are having such a tough time. My WW and my daughter are on a trip to New York this week and I am here with my son. I have used this time to make a full disclosure to my mother and I was shocked at how strong and supportive that she was.

From reading your posts, I still do not think that your M is over. You still do not know the extent of the A and the details. You need to know the details and whether the A was a rebellion against you or true feelings for the OM. This is going to tell you whether there is hope. I hope that you stick it out a little longer so you know the facts and will not have any second thoughts down the road.

Have you talked to the OM's girlfriend at all. If not, please do that as soon as possible. Especially while the W is not there. Do you know where she is during these office parties and other meetings?

I still think that your story is not written in stone at this time. I know your thoughts are to not keep beating your head against a brick wall but you wil be surprised how tough your skull really is. You will know when it is time to give up and move on but I really do not think that you are there yet. Keep posting and let me know about contact with the OM's girlfriend.

I called the OM's girlfriend on my way home from the bar. (This was the night my wife went to the after-work party and sat with him alone at a table and hung out with him for a little bit at the bar).

I told her that they both broke their promise for NC, that they had been sitting alone at the bar and I told her about the text messages he sent saying he loved my wife. She didn't know most of the information I had given her. She was told that it had only been going on for a few months and that it was just phone calls. Mostly to talk about her bad relationship. I did tell her that the phone calls began in Jan 04, that I proof that he called my wife from Jan 04 to Mar 26. My wife began calling him regularly around Mar 27th 2004. Obviously my wife was as guilty as the OM, I just thought she should be aware of what type of person she was living with.

She also claimed that my wife was still trying to have contact with him, and that she might have followed her one day to her gym. I don't think my wife followed her, I've pretty much know her whereabouts everyday since d-day.

The OM's girlfriend is in a fog, she doesn't blame him at all. My only regret was that all of the information was one way. I never got a chance to really find out what he told her and what she knew. It was mostly about me telling her and her saying my wife was the guilty party.

I'd like to talk to her one more time, but I'm not sure that it's the right thing to do. She's got enough on her plate, she doesn't need me addding to.

Thanks again Bob!!

grove, I suggest talking to her one more time. You want to put as much heat on the situation as you can. If you really want to throw some dynamite in the water, mention to her that there might have been an STD involving your W and you will see some serious action in this situation. If you want to make up any other evidence to put heat on it then I would have no problem if I was you. Do you think that they will be able to contradict you? I would do everything in my power to make the situation as difficult as possible between them. As I said earlier, this will give you important clues as to whether her actions are a rebellion as to you or strong feelings for him. Just my thoughts.

I told the OM's girlfriend about the STD, she actually said that maybe my wife got it from someone else. I told her that I doubted that, but if she knew something I didn't please let me know. This guy's girlfriend is in a deep fog about him. I'm still bumming that I didn't ask if he admitted to having PA with my wife. We just got so tied up talking about other things.

She said she would call me the next day, but never did. So I figured if she didn't want to talk to me, I'd respect that. She's a victim in this too, I didn't want to lose site of that.

grove, Let me ask you this. Is this OM Superman, Tom Cruise, Donald Trump or a combination of all three? Your W would turn her back on a good guy like you for that slimeball. I also cannot imagine that your W would share him with his girlfriend. I cannot imagine that she would not have forced him to dump her if they had a relationship.

I also cannot understand his girlfriend. Even when my WW and I were so love and could not keep our hands off each other, a call like you made would have caused holy hell. The mere mention that I might be hanging out with a woman who had an STD would have started a rage no matter where she got it from. The fact that I was repeatedly seen with her after receiving a call from her husband would have started a holy war. All this even if I was not involved in an A.

What kind of unnatural power does he have over women? This has me baffled and I am going to have to think about this for a little while. If there is extra info or something that I am missing then please let me know.

honestly, I don't get it. He's a good looking well built guy. Obviously I don't know the guy, and more obvious, I don't like him.

I honestly don't understand any of this, that's why I've given up. Besides, my wife promised this thing was over, that she would never talk to him again, and that she would stay away if she knew he was around. It looks like that was all a bunch of you know what!!

I've done nothing but think about this whole mess since she's left. I just don't think she's left me any options but to divorce her.

Grove you have to be absolutely certain that you want a divorce. If you had some domestic abuse involved in your sitch, Id tell you run for the hills even if you were unsure. However, I can easily read that you are not exactly sure about it.

I was in a place like that as well and I had to ask myself if I could forgive the last transgression. I was very surprised by the fact that I was willing to do so. It was enough for me to give it that last push. I also wanted to be able to leave knowing I had done everything I could and walk away with no regrets.

I completely understand if you divorce her. However, I don't wish you to live with any regrets, so if you think there's a chance you could forgive her and work on it, you may wish to not make any decisions right now.

This being said, don't be afraid to make a choice you know one of us wouldn't make. This is YOUR life, your reality and your pain you have to deal with. YOU know what you can tolerate and what you can't. If you think you can tolerate another month, give it a go. If not, we'd understand.