My husband and I have been married for 16 years now. Nearly 13 years ago, I was caught sleeping with my husband's brother one night after a druken stupor. My husband did not leave me but claimed he had forgiven me and so on. Our marriage was ho hum. He ended up having an affair of his own and leaving several times and myself several years ago I left him for another man but returned as well. So we both know the sides of infidelity unfortunately. But his biggest thing is still his brother and he has not let me forget about it. His mother just recently mentioned to my husband that she had known about it, giving him her condolences. Prior to this incident he began to leave me sitting at home alone, and he staying out all hours of the night, though he always claimed nothing was going on. His brother lived in the apartment below us. My husband and I fought over this frequenly and he ended up staying with his brother. Loneliness prevailed and drinking didn't help and so I let my vulnerability get the best of me.

Looking for somebody who has a story similar to mine. Desparately trying to get my husband out of the past. (He mongles around quite a bit with every thing else in the past) and how can I cope with all this stiring up of guilty over and over again. His indecretions have slowly faded and I am okay, but he is of a different breed and of course reminds me ever that it was his BROTHER! Please advise ....

Well, it's like having a really serious accident ... you never "forget about it" ... not without a frontal lobotomy.

So stop hoping he will lose his memory. There is a difference between forgetting something and fully processing something.

Have you ever had a favorite pet die? If you really think about that loss ... can't you work up some tears? Doesn't it still sting sometimes if you're reminded?

When your husband feels pain around this memory of such a trecherous double betrayal ... what is your reaction? Do you comfort him? Do you hold him and say "I'm so sorry this still hurts you. What can I do to help?" .... Do you react in a way that shows love and care toward your husband?

How much therapy have you 2 done as a couple?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Is that what it'll eventually be like?

As this happened almost 13 years ago, I most certainly consoled him and tried to regain his trust, until his fall several years later (avenge on his part). I went to counseling by myself on several occasions throughout the years, as he did not refusing to go. He believes because of the unique "affair" that it is much different than his affair. Though I can understand his statement but I beg to differ. The feelings projected from an affair is quite the same. And believe me I do not try to justify my actions nor cover up what I did. I just feel trapped in this continuing state of guilt due to his lack of forgiveness (though he claims he has forgiven both of us) as if I don't have a leg to stand on in any event of an arguement be it of that or anything else. It would have been easier to be sent to the guillitin!

When this is NOT an issue, how satisfying is your relationship?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Right now, it is the main issue that interfers with every day life. To be honest it sucks! It seems almost fruitless to really keep trying, so I believe we are both stuck in our own pile of sh__! We have his and mines affairs, but he wallows around in it. It has been a "stuck" issue with him. Him stuck and I'm ready to get on with it. His affairs including 2 initial on-line adventures are looked upon from my point of view as over and done with. Lets get on with it, but he has "changed" as he keeps telling me. Of course he would. My guilt is beginning to turn into anger as you might have guessed by my writing, but damn I had to get past his indecretions as well. I guess its that we've known each other for 24 years and have been married 16 years of it and being of Christian background and see everyone of our friends marriages fall apart over nearly nothing as compared to us, we still hang out hoping for a miracle that I have almost given hope over ...

Do you have a church you both attend?

Pep

What is your husband's relationship with his brother. It takes two to tango. How could your husband forgive your brother and not you?

We USED to have a church we attended. I went back by myself several times (to another church) and then stopped. Not too close to God right now, bitter towards him and as far as the relationship between his brother and him, well he says that it will never be the same. They do talk or see each other on holidays and such. He says he can see the guilt in his brother's eyes. Its a subject that is brushed under the carpet. His mother even knows for gosh darn sakes. I think everyone knows, our friends, strangers, etc! He took a poll and was told to run the other way, and now I wished he had. Would have saved us all 13 years of misery. But he doesn't see all the crap he has done. Not quite the same as I hear over and over. Well if I had a sister to give him I surely whould have, just to have him prove his point! I don't have a computer at home due to his affairs he has had online. Even so much as traveling across country to "live" with them. And I'm babbling on because I don't know what else to do shy of running myself and disappearing! I don't know how many times I have told him it was never about them it was always about him. I wanted them to be him since I couldn't have my husband. I don't think he understands this concept. So why did he have his affairs? You'd think we both could relate to some degree being on both sides of the playing field. I am at a lose, bitter and angry at everything and everybody including myself. If anyone would have told me I would have been unfaithful I would have told them they were crazy! Nothing is worth it and I tell my friends if they ever think it tie yourself up to your bed and never go out! Just at my last end of hope ...

Alfie, I get the impression that your H is using your A of 13 YEARS AGO to justify and rationalize his own recent A’s… One wrong can’t be justified by another wrong. Two wrongs don’t make something right and your H needs to understand that and must start to take FULL blame and responsibility for his own A’s as well... It also seems your H has CHOSEN to keep your past A against you and to throw it in your face time and again… In my opinion this is verbal and emotional abuse since this is going on for 13 YEARS now and if your H is one of those people who will not be able to overcome your past betrayal (especially after 13 years), he needs to get out of this M (if this will be the only way he can personally recover from this) OR he finally needs to makes the decision to start working on put this incident behind him and seek MC with you (and IC if necessary). Your H needs to understand that infidelity is not the ONLY traumatic experience in life which can happen to people...There are MANY other traumatic experiences that can happen to people as well like murder, rape, child molestation, victimization that can result in losing material security like a job etc. etc., but ANYONE who choose to wallow in those bad experiences forever without reaching out for professional help, make the CHOICE to do that.. They make the choice to STAY a victim, and IMO, they only have themselves to blame if they make this choice. Dr Phil always says that people will only keep doing something (even if it doesn't work for them) if the GET something out of it... And it seems your H needs to discover what he gets out of his behavior...

Suzet

Well your absolutely right. I can certainly see it but he doesn't and I tell him over and over to leave it in the past to stop torturing me. It really does feel like torture. I would rather have my hand cut off! I am at my end at this point and am seeking counseling myself with or without him. I only see resentment now and I don't frankly care about trying to come up with a thesis on how, why, what, when anylonger!