This really has the ring of truth to it. She says that she misses his friendship more than anything. I really think that although it bacame sexual it was more of an emotional affair.

All of this is going to take some time and some counseling. Women generally are trying to meet emotional needs when they have affairs. So it may take some time to uncover what those needs are and if you work on those together you can create a strong marriage. Marriages take work, I think people forget that. And while there was an affair, I have seen plenty of people recover from them. Maybe things will be different in ways, but in some ways the marriage can be stronger too.

The WW in this case is a cake eater. I see nothing but success. She will eventually forget OM---- she never intended to leave the marriage. However, she likely created a Disney foggy adventure and it is hard to come back to reality. It is also likely that OM was very emotionally involved. I would think OM was crushed when he saw that the WW went running after the BH and begged to him. Did OM say anything at the door? BTW, cake eaters are despised at the OW /OM boards.

One word of advice. Wife will feel very guilty for a long time. In the end this remorse will get in the way of recovery. Do not do anything that may increase her remorse. Do not take out your anger on OM. She will feel you are angry at her.

At this point the most important issue is NC. Monitor if you have to. NC is crucial. Please be advised that very few WWs go NC from the get go. Most will try to establish contact to ameliorate their pain and the pain of OM.

Good Luck!

I'm a new person to weigh in on your plight, but, I'm very qualified to speak here. My FWW did the same thing as yours. Had a lengthy EA which turned physical at the end. My wife greatly regrets that it ever led to any of it. But that's now; when she was going through withdrawal I wouldn't have ever thought that our M would have made it. She was so COLD to me. She wouldn't even tell me that she loved me. That hurt to the bone. She would say crap like, "I feel love towards you, but I don't know if I really love you." What does that mean? Withdrawal is pure hell for the BS. Hang on, my friend, this is one bumpy ride. If you love her and want to restore this thing then you have to be willing to go thorugh some hell. It will be very hard.

Your life has now become a juggling act of emotions. You try not to LB, while you meet her ENs at the very time you're thinking of her with the OM! Wow. It's tough. But, it can be done. I did it, > I'm still doing it.

You need to remember something. Right now you're starving for Emotional needs to be met in you. You are bone dry and just a few demonstrations of love from your wife would keep you afloat. But don't smother her with your neediness!!! That's the last thing she needs from you. This will only push her away. She looks at the OM and then she looks at you => this wreck of emotions who cries at the drop of a hat. Listen to me, this is what saved me.... Stay Strong. Let her see you strong. Let her see you steady. Let her know that you are going on... with or without her you're going to be ok. That statement right there slapped my wife into reality. I told her that no matter what happened I was going to be fine and I could do that with her (preferrably), or without her. Show her love, meet her needs, but don't blubber over her for attention and love. She won't give it.

She's living somewhere in between fantasy and reality. She loved the fantasy, no cares, no chaos, peace...... but it has a terrible price. Who wouldn't love that fantasy. Affairs and the coming out of them for the betrayer is more like drug addiction than anything I've ever seen. It's a high that takes you away and you don't have to deal with reality. But that's not real. That's where I got my wife!! I'm not saying you should do this, but I tell you it worked like a champ for me. I told my wife that I would never allow my kids to be exposed to this garbage and I would take them away to live with me, and our lives would be hard at first, but, we would be fine without her. I told her, "If this is the life that you have chosen and you want it, then you'll have to pursue it without us." Some said I was wrong for saying that, but I don't care. It had a major impact on her. She saw that I was serious and resolute. She saw that I really would be great without her and her life would go on to be crazy and up and down, while her former husband and kids would have a great life together. She saw that she could be out of the picture of a great life together with her family.
I told her that wile she was in full withdrawal and I let it sit and her think about it. I stayed strong and resolute and pursued my life with her and the kids. But she knew that I would not put up with this for long and she knew it. I had to become the strong silent type overnight. It was tough, but I know that if I hadn't done that we would never be where we are now.

Oh yeah, one more thing.... PRAY, PRAY AND PRAY! Only God can help when you are at your limits, He is not.



Odds are that's what she wants. A great life with her real husband and the kids. Let her see that it is possible

This is so true. In fact we have had this very conversation where she told me that my neediness was putting her off. This has been the hardest part for me; my strongest EN is for affection and when I don't get it I get needy. I am working very hard to control it.


Lot's of that going on.


This is what she says and I tend to believe her. Tomorrow is D-Day +21 days. Not enough time yet for me to feel that NC is assured. But we have had a very good week. With the exception of Wednesday, when I got a little down on myself, things have been very good. (I posted about our weekend over in the General Questions forum.)

I am halfway through HNHN and we have talked about several of them. Already the communication has improved. For example, I know now how important a physically fit spouse is to her (and I am working on that) and that her need for recreational companionship is lower than mine. She did accompany me on a long motorcycle ride last weekend and I consider that a deposit for her in my Love Bank. So, I see signs of progress, although I have not yet let my guard down.

F4L

Wow, my experience exactly. My wife also had a long EA (which I was aware of, spying and monitoring her behavior). I blew the whistle the second it turned physical, but she wouldn't admit that it had for 2 months! Being firm with her really helped, I also made sure her family and friends knew what she was up to, and who with, which left her without anywhere to turn.

One angle you might try to check out is your wife's mental health. After six weeks of being treated for depression mine broke down, told me the whole truth, and has been trying really hard to make me feel better without going overboard.

A word of caution, F4L, she'll tell you anything to make sure her cozy life stays intact for a while. You must look for acts of contrition and consistent behavior that can't be faked. I suspect you're getting to that point now.

By the way, I had sex with my wife the night I confronted her about the EA and the night I found out she had had sex with another man. Both experiences were purely sexually incredible, and I don't think it hurt me- she knows what I expect of her.

Jeez, I'm going on here repeating other people...make sure you see a couples counselor, and probably both see an individual. Don't beat her over the head with it (I know you're tempted to), and for your own peace of mind don't worry about being sexually inadequate and specifics of the A. She's probably seeming more adventurous to try to make sure your interest in her stays piqued, so go with it. Raise her bet by making a sexy home movie or renting a video even...it can work, and it gives you the initiative. I think good sex can really speed the healing process.

Good Luck!

Man, I feel everything your saying. To the last breath. Though I haven't caught mine, there is OM that has stated actual interest in meeting her needs, and at this point I do understand my fiance's need to seek elsewhere seeing as I failed to provide that for so many years. She has assured me that no further contact will be made, that nothing physical has ever occured, though still these images arise, these feelings surface that rip apart every fabric within me, my mind can't focus on anything else. Each day has it's own feelings, some are worse than others. I make these feelings known now, I'm steadily making strides to improve what it is she is lacking that this OM believes I can't provide, or that my fiance feels I no longer feel. But the feelings your stating, it seems I am reading myself here, so you are not alone in anything. I admire how your handling it. When I had the greatest sense that she was with him, I nearly lost it, completely. I broke down in a panic attack, screaming, in fear. Not anger or resentment. Fear of loss of her love, fear of failure.

i could have wrote what you just wrote i caught my wife doing the same thing, only i took her back and after i did she goes and buys a new car i get her out of her credit card debt, then dumped me again, i knew after she come back that i couldn't trust her again, i hope you do have better luck, i was married 26yrs.