1. Does one marry to get someone to treat you like you think you want to be treated, convinceing/persuadeing someone to meet your needs?

or

2. Do you marry to love someone and meet their needs without any consideration about what you want from them?

I am aware that for a marriage to be healthy both must get needs met, I am more curious about our own primary motivation in the relationship.

I hear regularly people who have been "left" bemoan their circumstances and how they just want that person in their life. But I rarely here such people consider whether they are good for that person. Maybe the best way to love them, is let them go, cause you just are not what they need, even though they are what you need.

So when dating, should we focus on meeting someones needs, and look at how well we really are able to do so (and quit if we can see we aren't really what they need), or should we be trying to convince someone to meet our needs, love us, so we can have them in our life (and of course we do all the stuff we think it takes to attract them).

I will marry b/c of I am capable and willing to give 4 gifts of love to her and vice versa from her. I want to be happy and make her happy at the same time.

It is not about only ENs ... avoding LBs, Radical Honesty and time ... plus POJA too.

In dating look for ability and willingness ....

-rh-

I think a major downfall of relationships is the attitude of "take me as I am - I can't change".

My answer to your question doesn't really fit your #1 or #2. We have to meet each others' needs first, or else we wouldn't be interested in each other. I think when "looking for a good fit" to start with, we are looking for someone that meets at least some of our needs (conversation, recreation, physical atrractiveness, etc.). From there we have to see if more needs can be met. The love starts to grow.... or not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> If we BOTH are willing to continue to learn and master how to meet each others' needs, that should be the goal and will create a lasting relationship. right?

Very well said Faith! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FR

I think that people are inherently self-centered, a trait that has conferred a healthy survival advantage over the past millenium or so. Harley recognizes this in how he speaks of emotional needs. But we all act in different ways, and many if not most of us find personal satisfaction in helping others, especially those close to us. It is not just a conscious calculation of "if I do this for them, I will get something in return", but a good feeling which encourages us to continue. More selfish people (people whose self centeredness does not usually include the personal satisfaction of helping others) may act like choice 1 that Knight50 mentions, and others like Holdingontoit on the Emotional Needs board spend years giving without getting needs met, but most expect or want the middle ground.

I guess that I wanted to get married out of self centered reasons - the strong feelings of love I felt strived to make me lock in the exclusivity of the relationship. But I felt good doing things and sacrificing for her. Eventually over time, I felt I was giving without getting and my love died. I think about that balance often in my current relationship.