This is a hard call but I think these would be my top three.

1) Having someone to share moments with (intimacy ect.)
2) Companionship
3) Dual incomes

Thanks,
Jason

I like what osxgirl said: "...he did me a favor by having an A. I would never have considered divorce without that, but given the way he had started treating me over the last 1/2 of our marriage, I was better off without him. Divorce was not in any way what I wanted, but it is what I needed.
The more I make myself stop dwelling on what was, and concentrate instead on making my life a good one now, the better I feel."

And I share furnitureman's fear about: "what parts of the past 5 years were real, what parts where an act. And that scares the hell out of me, quite honestly....." though for me it was 20 years, not 5, and, though I was in denial at the time, now I'm not sure if he was ever faithful during any of it.

1) I miss having someone with whom to talk about and share decision-making about our life together. Someone with whom to share the ups and downs (especially running a business together).

2) I miss the belief in forever - for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, etc. I miss the belief that we had a commitment that would survive the ups and downs of life.

3) I missed sharing a family together - mostly his relatives - and being able to laugh, cry, rant, etc. together about the various members.

The sex, affection, companionship, vacations, etc. are all great, but I could have them again with someone else. I'll never be able to recreate the history, be married forever, or share decisions that now only affect me.

For me, it is all about the physical and domestic intimacies, because all the rest of what I miss is stuff that I could, if I wanted to, make the choice to do alone or with friends (and in most cases, I've made those choices).

1) I miss being intimate with someone without the worry of who else they might be sleeping with... oops, wait - that wasn't part of my first marriage... but I'd certainly like it to be part of any NEW intimate relationship.

2) I miss having someone to go home to at the end of the day with whom I can talk about what happened at our respective jobs or with our respective friends and acquaintances - or with whom I can reminisce about things that nobody else will remember. "You'll never believe what so-and-so did at work today!" "Remember when we went to such-and-such ..."

3) I miss having a "built-in" companion to do all of the things I/they like to do... someone that I know will go with me to the movies, with whom I can go to events they enjoy, vacation with, go shopping for home oriented items with... Friends are nice to have, but IMO, you can't beat having a spouse to share those things with you.

Other than that, I don't miss never knowing when he was going to come home and how drunk he was going to be. I don't miss never knowing how much of his paycheck he was going to actually contribute to our joint living expenses (i.e., his half or less) because he spent it on toys he just HAD to have (i.e., the Triumph TR-7 that never ran right and for which we had to IMPORT parts from England - all on a lower middle-class level income). I don't miss the emotional neglect I experienced during the latter part of our marriage. I don't miss cleaning up after him because that's what his mother used to do - even though I worked just as much as he did. Lots of stuff I DON'T miss. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

T

Hi TR,

LMAO, Sorry, don't mean to make light of your "dilema". Must be something about the warm, humid, sub-tropical environment here in Florida <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />.

For myself, I miss kissing. Warm passionate, "your whole heart and soul into it", "feel her melt in my arms" kissing. My wife taught me to kiss. We had our first when she was 15. After all these years, I never tired of kissing her. Of course there's SO much that one misses after spending that many years together, but it's the kissing that I miss most.

It's tough to think about but here they are...

1) Someone to share the daily trials of life with.
2) Someone with whom to discuss my children, past follies, frolics and fun, vacations past and future. Someone to dream with.
3) Someone to cuddle with on Rainy Sunday mornings with no pretenses, or prejudices, a warm heart on a cold day.

1. Intimacy
2. Friendship
3. Dual income.

being able to plan more of the RV trips that we once took. . . and traveling together more often

sailing together. . . and goes with the traveling together. .

my X was a rotten traveler. .. complained about everything just to manipulate the establishment to get an upgrade or to get attention. . . she also doesn't like to drive, doesn't like to fly, doesn't like to sail, doesn't like much of anything. ..

i miss adventureousness of a companion. . . she was once ike that in the beginning. . .. but then slowly became less and less adventurous. . . to the point to where she did nothing but work and complain. . .

wiftty

I can relate. We were always going to get an RV but never did. I actually subscribed to MotorHome mag and still do. Still pore over it evey month, and wish...

Oh yeah, we did the RV thing, too. We got our first camper--a very nice 27" travel trailer with all the ammenities about a year before he found OW. We camped probably a total of 6 weekends in it. All he could do was grumble about how bad he hated backing it back in at the storage facility, and complain while camping about how bored he was.

The only thing I think he actually enjoyed was my potatoes 'n onions 'n eggs that I used to fix for breakfast.

So much for that idea...

LL

that's why i keep the GF that i have, she is willing to road trip in an RV, or a sailboat, or a car. . . or a jet plane. . . she might not be able to pack super light, but she can get there and get back with some great pictures.

wiftty

Hey Wiftty, nice to see you spending time over hear.

Does your girlfriend read here? Your last statement about why you keep the GF you have is because she's willing to travel sounds like you're simply out for a recreational companion.

Not a bad thing if this is what you both want from your relationship, but where's the warm fuzzy stuff? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I like Terri's answers.

I don't miss the emotional abuse, which doesn't seem to stop due to a divorce. The empty threats, using the kids as weapons, these I don't miss. I just wish they'd stop.
My X wasn't a parent before, and he still doesn't understand what it means to be a parent. Put the kids first, don't use them to hurt the other parent, because it ends up hurting the children.


So many of the answers on this thread are similar. We miss what we never had. A partner, a companion, a lover, honesty & openness, a parenting partner. That's why we are divorced, whether the issue was an affair or abuse, I'd say we are all better off outside of these bad relationships.

We, and our X's, need to understand the impact this has on the kids and act like adults to make the best decisions for the kids - and not be selfish people. We brought the children into the world, and into the marriages. We owe it to the children to be adults and do the best we can for them.

(Can you tell my X is getting on my nerves).

From the original GOOD 5 yrs of my marriage:

1. Our prayer times, especially the "shining eyes" we both saw when we said "amen" and opened them and looked deep into each other's eyes.....I could literally see LOVE there!

2. Waking up in the morning and staying in bed on the weekends just laying there as close to each other as possible...talking about everything in a whisper!! Why??? We were the only ones there, but still we did it...and laughed out loud when we realized it!! I could hear the love in her laugh back then!

3. Each time I was in the shower, she would bring me my towel when she heard the water go off. And when it was her in there, I would do exactly the same. So simple. Yet such a profound way of saying "you matter to me"..."I adore you".

From the final HORRIBLE 5 yrs:

1. The empty stares and fact that she would never look me in the eye - especially during any significant moments. It told me volumes.

2. Crying through the nights she was "out" and I was home alone in our bed not knowing where she even really was on this earth.

3. The empty rejection I would feel each time she would go into the bathroom to get ready for the day. And I would see the door shut. And hear the lock turn. To make sure I never saw her get dressed again, never ever could bring her towel....when the water turned off for the final time......

Tears in my eyes even now,
High Flight

Warm, fuzzy stuff is for E_F_ types, which i am the opposite. I only get the warm fuzzies on ocassions. . . cards don't do it, but spending a whole weekend traveling / exploring a new place, get my attention. . .

once my kids are in college, recreational companionship is the number 1 need. . . i don't need a work partner, she is not going to support me, sex is number 2. . . domestic support i can manage. . . after that, there there is openness and honesty, that is fine, working nicely, POJA is a given. . .

the GF is a keeper. . .

wiftty

1. The warmth of having a family to come home to.
2. The smell of her hair, her touch, and being intimate.
3. Her company... I miss her.

OK I am trying to do this as much to see what I miss as anything and darn it was hard to come up with 3 things.So maybe getting back together is not a good idea or maybe everything is just to fresh to really miss anything yet.

1) Someone who also thinks our 3 children walk on water even when they are being heinous monsters.

2)Being able to drop 2 grand on a Vintage Mainbocher Cocktail dress because I can.

3) Someone who understands when I went into a rant about my family because they had been there thru it all.


To be a devils advocate I had to do the same with my bf God that sounds stupid at my age can I just say lover.

1)Someone who will make me a salami sandwich with pickles and chips on the side at 2AM and never forgets the Mt. Dew.

2) someone who sends me "I Love You" text messeges first thing every morning and last thing every night

3) Someone who thinks I look my absolute best when I am in the shower or in my ratty tweety jammies with pigtails in my hair. Its a stress buster after having to be eye candy for years.

I miss coming home every day and seeing my daughter open the door from teh kitchen to the garage and say "Hi, Daddy!".