My wife misses me. I miss my wife. Our poor little girl is in the middle.

I think if I ask in the right way, I can get WW to promise NC - maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

I'm wondering if I should press now for a promise of NC - which I don't believe will stick, but which will give me a pretext to return to Plan A?

Is that a strategy that anybody has experience with?
Am I completely insane?

Just for reference, here's another couple of my threads.

The Letter etc. Thread

Finals Thread

Yeah, I'm supposed to be in Plan B. W wants to cook dinner for my tomorow. *AD hangs head in shame*

-AD

Hi, AD.

I won't push you either way.

I do want to encourage you to do what your gut is telling you is the right thing to do. Then do it until it is done. Do it without regard to how or what someone else thinks about you, and with the knowledge that even if it doesn't work out, you honestly tried your hardest to see it through with integrity and honesty.

At the end of that day, you may not be happy, but you won't be suffering from "what if".

All the best,
Gimble

Sorry I had no more time... to read the threads...
But, in general, don't do anything your Gut tells you not to do, i.e. don't do anything before you are totally ready for it.
If you don't know what do to, do nothing, wait, and watch Signs!
At least that helped me...

180 degree 'method' have always worked for me, by the way...
But it won't be so successfull if you are not ready to feel the way you behave (acc. to 180)...

Good luck anyway! :-)

Gimble,

Thanks for revisiting my case.

What I've been trying to do is intensify the separation of the Plan B - and concentrate on the things I have to do for myself - especially my relationship with my daughter.

...and I lost my footing

In short, I was supposed to have DD yestereday evening overnight, return her to her Mom today - then have her for the entire weekend til Monday AM.

I was so anxious/excited about DD's visit that I couldn't sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping lately anyway, but I was up at 3:30 yesterday. W called me at work at 9 - to ask if she could visit DD briefly on her way home since I was picking her up at preschool. I was exhausted and not in the best of moods - and feeling that she was trying to nibble away at my limited time with DD. First I said "no", then I said "Ok, you pick her up at preschool and bring her to me at 6:30". Then after I hung up, I became a bit angry about it - and called her back to say (stupidly) "Just forget it. You keep DD tonight. I'll have her for the weekend."

OK if I leave out details here...

So yesterday evening, I forgot what I had told WW - and was waiting for DD to come at 6:30. I called, was reminded by my W (who was innocent in this). I was really depressed. W could tell. She was lonely. I was lonely. She wanted to talk - but the convo quickly turned into to a contest to see who ruined who's life. Eventually, I hung up - feeling like it was another mistake that I keep making - to let her start to talk to me. I went out to mow - after dark with the lights on. So, a car turns in to the drive. It's WW.

Actually, I was touched that she came. It was a little sign that she actually cared about me in some way. I had a half-hour or so visit with DD and W. W said she missed cooking - wants to cook dinner for me tonight. I can eat when I come by to pick up DD for the weekend.

This is exactly the opposite of the short-term goal of limiting my contact with my WW. But is exactly aligned with my long-term goal.

Meanwhile, not one single move toward NC with OM...

But, I figure that by Monday morning - missing an entire weekend with DD, W will be in a mood to talk about that possibility.

So, do I ask her to make that a 2-go dinner? Or do I stay and eat?

I forgot to say that she brought me some flowers yestersday - had DD give them to me. For whatever that means.

-AD

B2M,

Oh, I'm ready enough to be just as close to my W as she might want. My "gut" (which is growing ever larger as I'm an "eat when nervous" guy - and this is a nervous time) has been ever so eager to overlook the elephant in the kitchen (W's relationship with OM). That's the problem. I've got to constantly remind myself of some key facts - to avoid being sucked back into a situation where OM is not gone and I'm just being used.

Although the GPS could go a few more days on the current set of batteries, this might be a good day to pick it up, download the data and put in fresh batteries. I need that data to show me the reality of where WW has been the 3 weeks since I moved out.

-AD

AD -

My only advice is to remember that NC with OM will not come naturally or easy.....

I like the drug addiction analogy, tearing a WS away from OP is like locking a drug addict in a room and watching them scream and holler until it's over.

I doubt it will be easy, or pretty. It is so much "easier" to just give the drug and let life go on fairly unabated.

Be careful....

Georgia

Thanks FGG,

That's my thinking. One dinner gives her a little dose of me - a little relief from the loneliness - and resets the clock - so that real change is further delayed. I assure you that if I stay and eat, I will leave promptly with DD and keep her until Monday morning - not Sunday night as WW asks.

And I'll keep the convo on the food.

She wanted to do my laundry too - but I told her I didn't really have any. Actually, I'll probably go to the laundrymat again. Congrats on buying your own new stuff. Next week, I'll hopefully get my van fixed and I'll shop for used W/D. The going rate is $150 for a pair used - and I'll go with that in the interest of economy right now. What with the unexpected car repair and homeowners and car insurance due soon, I've got to watch spending very closely.

The last time she did my laundry (2 weeks ago), she actually folded things. She's almost never done that for me since we have been married.

-AD

What I've been trying to do is intensify the separation of the Plan B

...

Although the GPS could go a few more days on the current set of batteries, this might be a good day to pick it up, download the data and put in fresh batteries. I need that data to show me the reality of where WW has been the 3 weeks since I moved out.
If you are in Plan B, why are you using GPS to track her?
Plan B is removing yourself from her life & vice-versa, in any way at all.

If you are supposed to be in Plan B and you have sent a Plan B letter and you are not sticking to it, that is terrible for the situation.

The plan B letter says you want to stay married, you love her, etc.
It also says you will have no contact with her until her affair is over.
So you have contact, dinner, flowers and such.
It's obvious to her that you are not serious about contact.

[Important mode on]
Why should she think you are serious about making needed changes and that you want ot remain married to her?
[Important mode off]

Chris,

I maintain the tracking because I know my weakness.

If at the brink of D, WW says she hasn't seen OM in 2 months - and I have no way of checking, I'm likely to make a terible mistake. In a moment like that, I want to be able to compare the facts with what she will say. If they don't match exactly, I'm done.

But, you are right. If I can download the data without looking at it, I'll do that. I'll just save it for later. Even better, I should leave the thing in over the weekend. She'll be intensely lonely - and not have DD to worry about. There will come a time when I'll need to know what she did that weekend.

-AD

Chris,

More good points. BTW. I didn't give her a formal Plan B letter. I have told her the basic message. Flowers were supposedly from DD (who handed them to me) - just simple things from the neighbors garden.

So, your vote is dinner to go or no dinner at all. I'm sure you are right.

-AD

But, you are right. If I can download the data without looking at it, I'll do that. I'll just save it for later.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Forget the data. Remove the tracker, delete all the data.
Either she is seeing him ior she isn't.
Stick to a PROPER Plan B.

Either do Plan B or don't.
Don't dance around the issue.
You should either be in Plan A (go to dinner) or Plan B (give her a Plan B letter & do NOT go to dinner).

Chris,

Thanks for your opinions.

I need the data. Ultimately, she will ask to stop the D - and I will at that time require NC and complete disclosure from her. I need to be able to verify that what she says is what she does.

You seem very passionate about Harley's plans. That's fine. I asked for opinions and I do appreciate them, but try to give it without the "command voice". OK? This is my life. All the same, you may be right - probably are - and I'll probably end up D'ed - which I no longer view as a disaster.

-AD

Chris,

I'll do that, and sell the tracker, when I'm well and truely determined to divorce.

-AD

Sorry to sound "commanding". Not my intent.

From your descriptions, your actions are simply making the situation worse.
If they were doing nothing, it wouldn't be a problem.
You say you are doing Plan B but in reality you are not.

I need the data
For what purpose? You know she's still seeing him and she's still lying about it.
So you tell her she's lying and? She simply gets mad at you.

I will at that time require NC and complete disclosure from her. I need to be able to verify that what she says is what she does.
And you will tell her this device is on her car, correct?
Because if you do reconcile, there are no more secrets, regardless of what the other person does.

You can only control your own actions, not hers.

Thanks again for your opinions Chris.

I explained to you why I need the data. I see that you don't agree with my judgement on that, but I think I explained it clearly enough. In short, her word - in any area related to OM - is never going to be good enough. I require verification. You say ...


That's how I know. GPS is saving me from living a lie.


So? If she's going to lie, she can be as mad as she wants. It's not going to change anything - because the lie at the crucial point means our M is over. Her anger is something she can live with alone because I'll be out of here.

I will probably never tell her the device is in her car. If she wants to spy on me, I have no objection. The only secret she will find - is that I'm spying on her. It is a small price to pay for verifiable fidelity.

I know that some people have a different opinion. It's taken me awhile to come to the realization that this is the way it has to be.

-AD

OK, well, it's getting near that time.

I'll go get DD.

If dinner's nowhere near ready (as I suspect will be the case), I won't hang around and wait for it. If she's got something cooked, I'll eat politely, then leave. No 180 here, just grabbing some grub where I find it.

DD's a very disinterested eater - so it'll save me the time of fussing over dinner at home when it really doesn't matter to her.

-AD

Let me preface this by saying I’m not simply trying to badger you or tick you off.
But, these types of actions are not going to help the situation improve.

In short, her word - in any area related to OM - is never going to be good enough.
Never? So, even if you reconcile, you will never be satisfied she is telling the truth?

That's how I know. GPS is saving me from living a lie.
Everyone knows what the truth is, so how are you living a lie?
If you simply accept what is happening (I’m not suggesting you have to like it), you won’t have to worry if she is lying or not.
This is what Plan B is all about. You don’t concern yourself with what she is doing.
You could probably take a good guess at it anyway.

I will probably never tell her the device is in her car. If she wants to spy on me, I have no objection.
“Spying” has no part in a workable marriage, meaning it can still be salvaged but plenty of work to be done & this is where you would be when you both decide to reconcile.

The only secret she will find - is that I'm spying on her. It is a small price to pay for verifiable fidelity.
Hmmm? A small price? I’d wager it would be a big price. My (educated) guess would be that if you were reconciling, didn’t tell her about it & she found it, she would go thru the roof and it would be 100 steps back (instead of two or three).
Both parties should be an open book and open to the other calling around to check up on them.

I’m not saying you should simply “trust” her, because we see where that has taken most of us here.
However, at some point, both of you are going to have to do just that, to some extent, otherwise you will end up with high blood pressure, ulcers, hating each other, etc.

Have you read “Surviving An Affair”?
Have you considered calling MB to set up an appt for yourself?

Chris,

You and I are just going to have to disagree about this.

-AD

Trust is about more than telling the truth. I will never simply trust that she is not in contact with OM - certainly not as long as he is in the same city - and probably no matter where he is - especially if he does not marry.


First I heard of it! I guess you should make that everybody except me.


OK, let's call it accountability, or watchfulness or surveliance. I wholeheartedly disagree. Once a person has repeatedly and over a long period of time proven themselves to be untrustworthy, they must be watched. An honest, trustworthy person has nothing to fear in that.


Which would prove that she was unworthy of reconciliation. You say it is a big cost. An untrustworthy wife is worse than worthless. To lose such a wife is a gain. If I lose her because she is alarmed that I check on her, I would not consider it a loss. Further, when I have told her that I know this-and-that, she has not asked me how I know - nor has she denied. I think she respects that I check up on her - and feels in some way protected by it. But, if she didn't, it would not change my determination to persist in it.


Yes, and several other books. I've got dozens of them. I've been posting on this forum for 4 years now. I've been dealing with this for a loooong time (not that this is anything to boast about).


Yes, I made an appointment once. SH was late, and after waiting 15 minutes, I backed out. The prospect of telling my entire life story to somebody at $3/minute generally discourages me from using that counselling service, although I'm sure it's excellent.

-AD