JFO about affair. 9 yr married, 1 D 9 y/o. 1-10 for last 9 yrs marriage 4.0; disturst, bitterness layer on layer of pain. Never a makeup for any tresspass, wife doesn't allow them. Couldn't get in. Admittedly, I carry fault but I love her and want to work on meeting her needs. She does not want to work, will not allow me to bring up subject, flat NO. Will stay for 1 year for D. We sleep in same bed, eat same table, share $ but not intimacy - nor will we ever she says. I can forgive the affair, and hope for a real chance to meet her needs. I do almost all housework, cook, Child care, wash, all home bills except clean the bedroom. Pigpen. We talk honestly but she says she is now UNSTUCK, and wants divorce. We can do it now if I choose - I can't bring myself to it. She will be with me in group or with children not alone. Struggling with feelings about reconcile, not pulling her in but creating environment for her safe return. Want to be a good man. She says I have many many good qualities and that's what's kept her. Not anymore. She's honest, but cold almost detached, isolated. I am seeking counseling and want to reestablish myself as a Godly man, without the pain, bitterness of how she hurt me. She made me alone for years. Need to cope with 1 yr of feelings to reconcile, adjust/heal myself and provide loving home for D. She says affair is on hold until divorce is done. Cannot be in relationship when already in one - funny statement. Need help staying on track trying to become the best man for my family. Hard with no positive affirmation. Have to get it from my D. Lonely, no female companionship for 1 yr hard to look at. Not a monk, just a man. Holding on to hope for reconcile.

Dealing with the pain of knowing is getting easier with now over a week passing. There is still a great sense of loss and need for details. Details are irrevelant; What happened DID happen. I am wondering why there have been no replies? Did I do something inappropriate? I thought I had the rules straight. Pls correct if I didn't. Having doubts about self; met a woman who paid a little attention, don't want to change who I am b/c of bad circumstances so no A, but sure is nice to talk to someone who listens - no harsh words, no namecalling. Just a little peace.

Hi Dogdad,

Welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry you find yourself here. The board can be slow on weekends. Try posting on General Questions II as there is generally much more traffic. Also I recommend reading up on Plan A and all the other articles on the site. Take care and hang in there, you will find plenty of support here.

DogDad,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders and I'm sorry you have found the need to be here. But it is a great place to find the information and support needed to save and rebuild your marriage.

No, you haven't done anything wrong to have had no or few responses. Just Found Out is a slower board and the weekends are extra slow. You might try the General Questions board for more posters.

So you made it through the first week after discovery. Thats a tough one for sure, especially when you have no answers or cooperation from your W. You mentioned seeking counseling. You should check out the link at the top of this page for counseling offered here by Steve Harley. He offers pretty amazing help from what I've heard.

Please read all parts of this site from the home page on to understand Harley's plans for rebuilding your marriage. It sounds like you are working on a good Plan A!

What about the OM? Is he married? Is your W still in contact with him? The fact that YOU have met another woman that "listens" is NOT a solution to your problems! If you truly want to save your marriage you need a plan that does NOT include a third party!!

Not much to add to the sage words above, except, you need to purchase and read Surviving an Affair, which goes into detail about discovery, confrontation, exposure, self-improvement, and how to end up a better person and a better spouse, after having participated in this program.

Gather all the "evidence" you can get your hands on, "just" in case, ok? It's in your best interest to document everything you can about the affair, and keep copies in a safe place, for future reference.

You have a lot to learn. You might read the thread over in General Questions II started by Gramn, and he has just began the journey you are embarking upon. You will find tons of good advice to him, that will apply to you.

Read the book before you do anything, because sometimes our intuition tells us to do things that are contrary to being helpful to our cause. Read and understand the addiction qualities of an affair, and how our spouses can become alien, and unlike anything we've ever seen from them before, and how to deal with them at this time.

You can save your marriage, but it's a lot of work, and it takes a lot of time. But it is up to you.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanx for the replies. I'm reading all I can and I think that contact with a woman right now is not in my best interest nor the interest of my marriage. GD it's hard though. I hate to have to document everything but I have records, I have admission, I have receipts, there is also the legal issues so staying away from listening and recording is critical. The W's OM she says is on hold - but I just can't trust that. She's not being truthful. Each time I bring up a pleasant idea she accuses me of having a plot. Like going to church tomorrow. I am going to go with our Dau to her church - that way my D can have a continuing relationship with God and also with her Mom. I have no problem with that. The OM is probably much younger, maybe even a student - someone exciting or younger where she can regain something. She recently lost almost 200lbs and has really left me with our D to raise. I don't really know and am fighting to avoid chasing details. I can find out but it's not worth the pain. The A is out in the open I just want to keep it in the sunlight. I am going to re-read some stuff right now. Thanks all.

My W, I and Dau went to church today. Wife very suspicious; I really want to have Dau in rel ed; W said she would do it but didn't. I am comfortable with community. Wife adamant about no reconcile - affair began in Feb she says ended in Jun, I don't believe. Still contact, secret cell calls, hidden email accounts. Just like the website says, she's like an alien, cold distant, like me being alive is killing her. She says she wants happiness, and happiness is not being married. Our whole marriage was really screwed up, always bad, she was never happy, put upon had to quit her job and take care of kids. It's like -OK, and you want to what - be 20 again without responsibilities? She blames me for not having an exciting social life. Like I've strangled her. I overheard her talking to her mom today and she carefully monitors my convos with her parents (who are great), esp her dad. They both are secret keepers and very private about their problems. I cannot be a recluse about this problem. I am seeking help, I've told her I will continue to go to Church without her if she chooses, but with my D, go to a counselor and talk about it with those that care and help. Putting distance in the really hard but critical to healing. Good distance, caring distance, not cold and isolated distance. She really isolates from me - but she made the family a nice dinner today and bought a cake for F's day for me. The push pull is really tricky to navigate. She's not done with the A though. Her alone time in the car is always on the cell phone - hidden convos and always stopped bf she gets out. Phone locked. She is really scared to move out and is financially not able to support herself and my daughter - that is if she gets custody. She says if I don't give her custody she will really screw up my career and life, any way she can. I believe her. Even an untrue accusation is very damaging. Did some research on the Plans and a Plan A is underway. W not in WD yet bc A still ongoing. Once I can prove still underway plan to confront W and gently ask again to cease, if not OK, then ask to leave. I will seek legal action to protect our D and each other. I feel like I'm just getting screwed every day I wait, every day I hope. Each day I pay the rent. My D and sons are the only thing getting me through. And this site.

It seems to me that you need to do a little investigating and find out who the other man is. Then you can find out if he is married, and also if there is still contact between your wife and him.

True, investigating really tough. Work is really far away and I have primary child care responsibility. Looking into other methods. Know sites for RDV and times; lunches etc... Letting situation develop, patience and caring but also knowing the truth. More to follow.

DogDad,

If you haven't had access to the cell phone bill to check incoming and outgoing calls, access the bill online. When you get the phone number you can do a search to find out who that number belongs to.

You can also put a voice activated recorder in the car to get info from her phone calls. It's not admissable in court but might get you the info you need.

You might also consider a KeyLogger on the computer.

You are very wise to consider the legal aspects to protect you and your kids. There is no need for you or the kids to leave the home.

Thanks for the counsel. I am really trying to consider the legal aspects. Also the health aspects. I think she's sick - found some pills and notes. A keylogger is good idea, also cell phone bills. Hard with disposable cell phones or pay as you go phones. She's very aggressive now, very offended, very very aggressive, it's all my fault, I'm scum, I'm a bad guy, driving her away, will be alone all my life nobody will want me etc... It's really hard to listen to and I fail sometimes. Today I could not keep the kind smiling face. I wasn't accusatory but I told her I did not trust her and she reacted violently. She threatens to leave and take my daughter. I don't want to do that with my kids. I am continuing to investigate, I think investigation is good. I am also going to counselling myself. When I am away from her my mood and spirits lift so incredibly high, I just wish I could do that for my kids. I am really trying hard to make their lives happy. They are feeling the tension, they know I am there and Mom is out all day and most evenings till I get ready to go to work. I am continuing to hope and pray, I don't want to lose faith, but legally I think I should be aggressive but quiet in my approach.

Read about Love Buster's and Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements on this site, and avoid them like the plague. You need to be in Plan A, so read all about it too. Love Buster's drive your wife into the arms of the OM, and "justify" the (contrived) way she feels about you. She's in the throes of an addiction, and will behave in bizarre and scary ways until NC is established and withdrawal is complete.

Put on your suit of armor, for you will have to withstand a barrage of really ugly $#I+ from your WW until the A ends.

Keep learning and keep the faith!

SD