It's taken a couple months, but this week I was offered a really excellent job, virtually right out of the blue! The whole thing has God written all over it, from the fact that they found my resume online and contacted me, my experience is a great match, it's in another city (but commutable) far away from my previous situation and cast of characters, and it pays MORE money with MANY more opportunities down the road than my last job. I am working for a woman, which isn't ideal, but there is zero physical chemistry, and this time I'm entering the situation armed with all the knowledge of the Love Bank and POJA etc. that I've never had before.

We are both excited about it, and though it will take some adjusting again, we really feel like we have the tools to continue doing things differently, keeping an eye on our Love Banks and ENs. I'm starting in two weeks... I'd better get my to-do list around the house organized!

"I am working for a woman, which isn't ideal, but there is zero physical chemistry, and this time I'm entering the situation armed with all the knowledge of the Love Bank and POJA etc. that I've never had before"

Lost - I've never posted on one of your threads before, for that matter, I don't post much period, but the above statement really hit me.

You went for a job interview met some woman who you will be working for and make a statement that there is zero physical chemistry. Like you would have less control over yourself (for lack of a better word) if there was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Or, you were so concious of the fact about physical chemistry. One must realize that on nearly a daily basis we encounter people we have some sort of "physical chemistry" with. To put it in simpler terms, someone we find attractive.

What I'm reading into your statement is that you can't work with someone you find physically attractive as that may lead you to have an affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Lost, it's about self-respect, respect for your spouse and self-control.

The statement about there not being the "cast of characters" at this job as compared to your last has me a bit perplexed also. Again, like it was the "cast of characters" that got you into the mess you're in in the first place.

For Mrs. Lost. IMHO - be on guard Mr. Lost has a long way yet to go.

Well, Waslost, I think it's awesome that you now have a job, away from the other "cast of characters", and in a new town. I also commend you for working so hard on your M to repair the damage you have done. I don't fully agree with inanutshell's feelings that you are or seem nonchalant about your situation. I think that you are making sure you DON'T get yourself into another bad situation as you did the last time! You have armed yourself with the knowledge of why you made your mistakes last time, and how to keep away from similar situations from this point on. Keep it up! I want to recommend one thing, and you may have already done or thought of this, but early on, and still to this day, Sailorman and myself both have cell phones. We have the understanding for me calling him that if he's in a meeting, interview, whatever at work, I will leave a message on voice mail, but I can call at any time I feel the need. If it's an emergency, most, if not all cell phones have the ability for you to enter your number like a pager type thing. This way, if Mrs. Waslost feels the need to check up on you, she can do so without causing a problem at the job.

I think that you have both come a long way, and look forward to hearing how the relationship developes from here! And, if you're around, How bout an update from you, Mrs. Waslost?

Again, congratulations on the job!

Hi inanutshell,

I appreciate your post, and I understand your concerns. I've been looking for work since February, and as we started to repair our marriage we had a list of rules about what kind of work environment would be acceptable. Since my A started at work, my wife and I are especially sensitive to that setting and the people there. One of our rules was that any job, no matter how perfect, would be a no-go if I felt physical attraction upon meeting someone in the process... but that's only step one. I was not attracted to OW when I met her, either, but the Love Banks eventually flipped around and I had an A.

That's the second step that I've unfortunately learned by living it -- guarding the Love Bank so that no one but my W makes deposits. It means no lunches, no coffees, no time alone with any woman, no non-work-related discussions beyond the lightest office small talk. It also means my W will be getting a lot of phone calls when I'm coming and going (to keep all my time accounted for) and of course her calls etc. are welcome and wanted anytime. It's a secure facility with some cell phone restrictions, so once I'm there I need to figure out how to work that. You are right that I am very cognizant of my feelings of physical attraction to women; it's not that I'm powerless to resist them, on the contrary -- I need to know when they are there and make special care to ensure they do no harm.

My reference to the "cast of characters" was to the fact that I worked closely with OW. By working almost an hour away from that (major) city, I have greatly reduced the chance of running into her at lunch, on the street, at a conference, etc. and thus blowing NC. I have developed with my W a solid list of rules about "what to do if" and it is helpful to me to know that the odds of having to exercise them are greatly reduced by working in a different town.

I do have a long way to go. I've seen what I'm capable of, and I'm grateful to have a W who will help me and encourage me to live true to my faith and values, even in the face of her own pain and concerns. That's where MB comes in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Congratulations on your new job! I tried to comment earlier, but I lost the post. I also commend you for the effort you are giving your marriage. Good luck and continue trying as hard as you have been!