A long story made short. After being divorced for two years I have moved back in with my XW and children. Things are great most of the time....Early during the reconciliation period I learned of an affair she had 6-7 years ago. Last year on my B-day we began the slow process of reconciling. It took me 9 months to get the real story of her affair and that pain was difficult to deal with. A couple of work related flings (as she lead me to believe at first) turned into a full fledged affair that she iniated and planned...

Triggers have declined a lot but one of them is airports and small private jets and planes. Her last "visit" from her older, wealthy man, was a booty call in a town he flew his jet into over 100 miles from our home. She met him there and took him to a motel there. She spent the night and broke it off the next week...

Tomorrow is my Birthday, a day she thinks is special due to our conversations and commitment to reconcile. Well, tomorrow our boys have a huge sporting event at a big university, directly accross the street from the airport she pulled her crap. I'm dying inside. When she asked me if I knew how to get there I finally said yes, and so do you, it is right accross from xxxxx airport. I was not disrespectful and I am still not. I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. I have to go for the sake of my children but I will be dying inside. We have talked about how I still am in disbelief that she had 2 hours to change her mind, how bad the drive home was the next day for her, etc. I slept little last night. I just know that every time I see a plane land there I will want to puke....

Good thoughts from you folks. Please try and help me deal with this...especially you longer term MB'ers...I respect your opinions and experiences..

There is going to be a great big pink elephant with you in the car. Don't you think you ought to talk about it with your W?

Honestly, the best thing to do is to tell her, "When I see the airport, it makes me feel very, very sad." Try to avoid blaming her for the way you feel. All she can do now is to understand how you feel. She can't go back in time and change it.

We had a situation last night similar to this, and I bottled it up in order not to LoveBust, but Jimmy Mac has offered some very sound advice I plan to use next time I feel that way.

Aside from that, is she familiar with Dr. Harley's material? You can get through it with her help. Try to let her comfort you.

Sometimes I try to imagine that my husband is now my new boyfriend who loves me and wants to help me over a past love who hurt me very badly. This new boyfriend does not have all the baggage to carry of being the betraying husband, in my imagination my H is free of that baggage to play the part of the rescuing new love who only wants me to get past that old hurt and pain and fall in love with him.

In fact my H is not the same guy who hurt me so badly, if he could go back in time he would do the honorable thing and not hurt me, he is full of remorse. Let her be that new person, she's no longer the same woman who hurt you, if you believe she is serious about your recovery.

Take care.

Jimmy and 10, thanks so much for responding.

WE have talked about it and she is begininng to understand. She acknowledges that she can't truly understand my pain or how I feel and to be honest I'm not sure it matters any more. What happens is I become very withdrawn as I try and not become angry. I have successfully dealt with my anger issues. She expects me to get very angry as I deal with this type of situation. I also see how it effects her. Her guilt is immense.

Is she the same person? No and neither am I. I guess my question is will the pain of this situation haunt me (us) for the rest of my life? I mean I feel a little silly having "issues" with airports and private planes....I guess I don't feel all that silly about how I feel about middle aged predators with money...

Again, thanks for your input. Sometimes it seems as if these little details don't get that much attention here. I have followed the principles here for some time. I respect and admire many here for their resolve. My XW is familiar but doesn't visit much. I really can't tell her how to comfort me because I am not sure that as I leave and drive to this place the same things won't be running through my head....

You had 90 minutes to change your mind...

there is still a large part of me that is angry that she was not honest with me about it...to me it was the ultimate betrayal...a well executed plan...to betray me. I will try and get over it...I have to...I just know that today will suck for me...for us....because our recovery is pretty good...and I will withdraw into myself...It really is not a subject I can talk about with my children in the vehicle

Send,

To forget and to forgive is 2 different thing. You are back & in recovery with your xW so I assume you have forgave her. You have to find time to talk it out with your xW not necessary today and in the car.

It tells me that you still feel insecure about your xW ... this is the main issue that you have to discuss it with her. She has to earn your trust. It is not about the airports or planes.

-rh-

Thanks RH I needed that dose of reality. I wonder why I am insecure. She would die in order to change history. We're in a spot we were never in before. It is good..

however, forgive? Not for that act, I don't believe it is forgivable. Do I accept it? Yes. I also accept responsibility for how she felt at that time. To me, if you ask me about the above betrayal it is not forgivable. Ever, in any circumstance. Many consider this a hard line but I feel as if forgiveness is a gift...and that by forgiving you're saying it's OK and it is not. That's how I feel and it may not be the best way to look at it. It is also how she looks at it...we're on the same page...with it..see she always ASSUMED she was the long suffereing wife of a pig husband. I was NEVER that person, EVER. She is incredibly insecure and at times convinced her past actions will tear us apart. She is a poster child for why you should NEVER Consider an affair...her regrets are worse than mine...however, it is new to me, a secret she kept for 5 years...for me it's been almost a year but only a few months since I knew the truth...and there remains a part that will always ask if I know all..but does it really matter if I do? Nope...what matters is she is honestly responding to me and that did not happen...

then why do I feel like puking today? Why did I wake at 4 AM?

My comment on the middle aged predator certainly indicates my insecurity. That is because he has many things I do not. Immense wealth (we're not poor by any means, we actually beyond comfortable and many would think we're wealthy)..private planes...and exotic homes, camps, offices, etc....I guess right now I do not know how she really feels about him other than shame and guilt....

any way...I have to leave fo rmy trip to hell today.....thanks everyone for responding....

Send-

You've got it backwards hon, forgiving her is something you need to do for YOU, not for her.

No one is asking you to forget it happened, that would be assinine to even suggest.

Trust will have to be *earned*, and you're right forgiveness is a gift......that you give to yourself.

The triggers will die down with time, and reassurance of your xW's love and faithfulness.

I understand your hesitation, your xW has a quite checkered past, but it seems that only the PA you didn't know about is sticking in your craw, why is that?

-Caren

Caren.. Why is the PA only sicking in my craw?

Well, I learned about the definition of an EA here at MB. We were both young when we married, very young, early 20's. I knew of her emotional attatchment at work and simply stated I did not like it. I did nothing to stop it. Out of site and out of mind. That affair became physical as a way to hurt me after her divorce (I will never own that). After I was dismissed I began dating and it hurt her feelings. I could never understand why. I also was very honest telling her that I could never be her friend I would always want more. She knew how I felt about that guy at work (I wanted to pound him, you know the guy who is my friend in order to be near my wife?). So after we split it went on for a few months and as I acclimated myself to my new life she was even more unhappy. I did not understand it. She had everything she wanted, the boys, the house, everything and she was miserable. Me on the other hand? I was dating someone who will always be special, she was the one who made me feal alive, not DEAD! However, because of the boys I still had to see XW..and I realized that I still loved her and secretly hoped....but I had accepted our fate...so that affair was out of bounds as far as I am concerned. How can I say anything? I was a good looking single man dating many different women (I am a gentleman, her assumption that I slept with all these women was wrong). I was also in a relationship. But my gf knew where I was and accepted it. I knew from the onset her new relationship was doomed.

The thing I think about now that you asked was why was it OK with me about her EA? Well, it wasn't. But I also had EA's of my own by definition. See our marriage broke down due to a total break down in communication. We assumed that each of knew how the other felt. You know, if "he loved me he would know"? We both have admitted now that those relationships were inappropiate and unacceptable. It won't happen again. We were both in the same place at that time of her PA. She made a VERY DIFFERENT choice than I did. That is what sticks in my craw Caren, does it make sense now? See her EA that turned PA went bad when he proclaimed his love very early...but she was lonely and I understand...so was I...While we hold each other accountable for our actions as folks who were divorced and still are...I won't answer to her for what I did in that time frame. I went out of my way not to hurt her.

so today my issue revolves around watching triggers at the scene of the crime. I'm pretty tightly wound about it...can't seem to help it

Well...for the first time in a year I spent an entire 8 hours thinking about her affair...of her betrayal.

I was not angry, I did not LB. I simply was withdrawn. Yet she managed to be upset with me. Asking me, why can't you look at me? I did not answer. I think I am better left alone in this case. If I did not have anything nice to say I said nothing.

Finally, after all the boys games were complete it was time to go. they wanted to eat and I simply said " I have had enough, I want to get out of here, badly".

When we finally got home she started crying because she said she "had no idea where we were now". My response was "I will never be OK with your past actions and today I had to sit there and think about it when I prefer not to. It has not been the only thing I think of in some time" She said "How do youthink I feel? How I can't attone for it. How badly you make me feel". I told her that " I will not repeat myself about this. We have already talked about it at length" Her response was " I am just waiting for it"..at that point I did get upset because her waiting for it meant she expected me to have a tantrum...to LB. I will not go there. Now did I THINK LB's? Yep...I really wanted to ask her if perhaps next year for my birthday we could go to Las Vegas where she started her affair....but I thought better of it...

So bottom line...my 41st B-day sucked...as 43 planes took off or landed while I was there and every one of them was a knife in my guts...in my heart....at times I really felt like puking...like crying...

And Caren....you're right...forgiveness in this would be for me....and the pain that continues makes it tough doesn't it?

Everyones responses mean a lot to me...I am looking for folks that continue to struggle like I do...

Althouh I have moved back in marriage is something that will not happen until her lies are addressed. I have been VERY clear I must have 100% trust and FAITH in her. I trust her now but my faith...in her has erroded due to recent , STUPID lies about the past....she has not resolved these....and knows that it is a barrier to marriage to me...which is something SHE wants....I'm scared....of marriage to her...our past is too painful for me to go through what we did before...I'll never let it happen..