I am new to this board. I have been separated for 8 months now. My wife left me and our two children. She lives in the town I work in and she has the kids on the weekends and sees them during the week at my house. We do not have a separation agreement. We have been flexible with the kids and are trying to keep the kids needs ahead of ours but I do all the household chores and make sure the kids are cared for. She helps some like doctors visits etc.
Long story short, she had an affair 5 years ago that I found out about but just recently found out it was physical. As he was in another state it was mostly a phone thing as he was an old friend of hers. She is a recovered alcoholic and went into recovery just after this affair. We never really worked on the marriage much due to her recovery and other family problems which was caused by her son from her first marriage. I also stopped drinking to help her and did not drink for over 3 years but she resented this.
Over the past 5 years she became more distant. She started traveling with a new job and I suspected she was having another affair and I confronted her and she denied it. She told me she was tired of trying in our marriage and did not have the feelings she should have.
She told me she was leaving me about 3 months after this. I found out through her best friend she was having an affair but this information and the proof took aver 7 months to get. I just recently confronted her about it and she admitted to it. I still believe there have been other men as even with this guy it was casual and she did not want to commit to him at this time but may be willing to at some point. I feel she likes the attention she gets going out and at 40 appears to need it. The BF is still in the picture but she is not seeing him just emailing back and forth. I am not sure if she is dating anyone else.
About 4 months ago we started seeing each other more and went on a few dates and eventually started having sex again which was good. She is still not attentive to me but likes the sex.
We have been in counseling for about 6 months but everything has stalled. She says she is still not getting the feelings back and through an email I found to her BF she says the same to him in that if we could have got help 6 years ago the marriage could have been saved. His responses have been supportive to her but his interest in her appears to have dulled and is like a friend. I am not sure if she is throwing carrots his way to see if he bites or what but it looks like it.
We are still spending some weekends together but getting together is mostly my idea. I just recently talked to her about that and told her I do not feel the love from her I require. I also said the counseling has helped but it does not appear it is going anywhere at this point. I told her I felt if we were to build our relationship we need to spend some quality time together and not just with the kids. When we have done this we did have fun. She said she needed time to think about it and she has deep hurt and she knows I do to. I said if I did not believe there was still something between us I would not try, but I do. I believe it could go either way at this point. I very seldom call her but she does call me. She usually asks how the kids are or something but she could call them directly if she wanted. I feel she maybe just keeping tabs on me.
She has also mentioned I should get a girlfriend as my sexual needs are more than she has. I asked her if she would be fine seeing me with someone else and she said she would not know unit it happened.
In the last 8 months I have gone through all the emotions and back again. I have not dated although I do go out and socialize. I go to the gym 4 times a week and feel great except for my heart which is broken. I love this women but I know I can not make her love me so that is where I am. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Note: The counselor has told me I need to let her come to me and give her distance which I am doing. She also told me there would be many women that would love to be with me but that is not much help in my book. We are supposed to go to counseling next week and if we go it will be the first time since I confronted her about the BF.

Hello,

My thought is that you have been married to a serial cheater who has put your heath at great risk. She has shown that she is unwilling to be totally committed to you in a marriage and enjoys casual sex with others. I think you owe it to yourself to look for a future with someone who can truly love and respect you and a marriage. What is a point being with a spouse and wondering who else she is sleeping with?
I think you deserve better. You love someone who a wrong person for you. Imagine a life with someone who is the right person for you. I wish you luck.

Sep, I feel for ya friend. I think though that you are on the right track and that seeing a counselor is the right thing to do. She does need space and time, if nothing else to see what, to clearly see what and who she is losing through her behavior. I am in similar circumstances - I have to learn caring - how to completely put someone else's needs first - it's a love thing. Maybe she wants an example to follow? The BF is still in the picture. Until all contact ceases, permanently then it's cake and eat it too. Read the stuff on this site about withdrawal - it's helping me. And don't be afraid to do the hard stuff that it says. You owe it to yourself and your family. Good Luck

I have put her needs ahead of mine many times and apparently she was not aware of it.
The counseling helped organize our discussions and she has said her anger has subsided. She had allot of expectations in our marriage and they did not line up with mine, i.e. I put having a home, having minimum debt, and being with the family in front of traveling although we did travel as a family. She just never forgets anything that was a disappointment to her. I figured if she wanted to travel she could put money aside and make arrangements just as well as I could but she did not do that. But getting back to never forgetting anything, she was still mad that 16 years ago I did not purpose soon enough or when I apparently said I was going to. She also remembers that I waited 3 weeks to have sex with her as she wanted to on our first date. She also does not forget that it took me some time to ask her out. It goes on and on like that. All that internal anger and resentment built up in her and at the same time I have resentment and anger in me. My reasons were due to her lying to me about debt and all the problems her son created for both of us, which were plenty. He is now on his own to a degree but the money was still being funneled to him until she left and realized she did not have the money anymore. She is now in pretty deep CC debt as she is now feeling the pinch of how much it really costs to live although she wants to live a high end life style which she can not afford. I sometimes believe the only reason she married me is because she thought I could give her what she wanted and be a fairly good security. I hope that is not the case but her mother did the same thing to her father and went out looking for a rich guy.
There is allot of issues in her family that concern me now like deep depression, alcoholism, infidelity, lying, etc.
She called me today to discuss father’s day and what we are doing on Sunday. I asked if she had thought about what we talked about yesterday when she called and she said yes but did not go into the details as she was not ready to. I am at the point that either she wants to spend time with me or she does not and if its no, well its no and I will move on as I am not going to keep this going another year or so. It is hard but you have to do what you have to do at some point. When that time comes I am not turning back.

I spent fathers day with my wife and kids. I ended up in a discussion with her and she basically said she did not have the feelings for me she needed to have a relationship. She said she was still in contact with the OM and would see him if he persued her but she would not persue him or anyone else. I do not belive that as She is persuing him by keeping in contact and from the emails I have seen she is interested. She told me she would see me but is not always comfortable having me stay there.
At this point I am not sure what my options are or what I should do. I feel I need to let her go but its hard. Our counselor is telling me to let her go as well.
She told me I was making too much out of this guy and there was no relationship as it was just what she needed at the time and we are in a different place now. I not sure what she means by that other than what I know she told him which was that she feels a kinship towards me. Should I let her go or still try?