husband has ended affair but is afraid to love me again. says that a the part of him that loves me he has walled of to keep him from hurting. he is afraid to let the walls down. i need advise as to how to get him to let the walls down and take a chance to love me again. i true believe that he is sorry and he will do better but i have to find away to get to him. i am so unsure about what to do. maybe i should suggest dating i don't know. he thinks that there is to much history between us to try and start over or to build on what is there. please help me i don't want to screw it up again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Joanna-

He told you the affair is over? Who ended it? Are you separated???

Do not pounce on him in desperation, as I'm sure you want to do....(I can relate to that feeling). Take a deep breath, and be patient with not getting posts......it's the weekend, and it's always slow here on weekends.

Have you been in Plan A or B??

We're gonna need more details here.

-Caren

p.s. I'll be on for about another 1/2 hour.

The good news is that he still has a part of himself that loves you. He's just "walled" it off to keep from getting hurt. Even if he's not convinced that it's enough to build on...Marriage Builders concepts and ideas are good for helping rebuild marital relationships.

As Caren noted, it would be helpful to have more details in offering you support. What/Who is he afraid of getting hurt from? What's happened between the two of you in this relationship? You said you didn't want to screw it up "again". How did you "screw it up" previously? How does his affair fit into all of this?

Perhaps for right now....just for now...you reflect back what he's saying. That you can see why he might feel the way he does about trying to reconcile. Nobody wants to get hurt. It can be frightening to take risks. That sometimes it can seem like there's too much history to overcome or build on.

Maybe share that although you're not sure right now what could help your marriage either, that sometimes others do have ideas..like a counselor, the Harleys. etc. That you really hope that he'd be open to the idea of seeking outside help. That you'd still like to see if the marriage could be worked out so that both of you felt good about it.

I agree with Caren. Don't push too hard at this point. It's hard not to when you're afraid of losing the one you love. But you may push him away by coming on too strong and forcing the issue right now. Maybe calmly reflect his thoughts and feelings back, briefly share what you'd like to see happen. Then, drop it! Unless he wants to discuss something further.

Just a few of my thoughts. Deeeeep Breathing....!!!!

Maybe I'm cynical, but I have to wonder if he's doing that to avoid owning up to his own part of recovery. See, if he can keep you chasing his affection hard enough, he can just ease back into the marriage at his pace.

What could you have done that was so horrible that he says he's afraid to love you?

I agree with Caren, too. Don't push. Do a real Plan A. Take care of yourself, learn how to love yourself again, and just be the kind of person he can fall back into love with when he pulls his head out of...the fog.

Dobie

here is the story of what led to this mess. i had a baby 2 years ago. and i developed postpartum depression. my husband had to work extra hous to keep the bills paid and he forgot that i needed him to. 6 months after baby his grandmother passed away 2 months later fater diagnosed with cancer 3 months later grandfather came to live with us. during this time i never got a break and was working and taking care of kids. forgot that my husband needed me to.i sank deeper into depression and he could not handle the seperation. before this we where unseperatable we did everything together. he was my bestfriend and we could talk about anything.we had a good relationship. it has taken me 2 years to get back to me and all that time my husband watched me suffer and felt helpless to help me. so he did what he could and walled himself off from the pain. i understand that completly. by the time i came around a girl at work had sucked him in with her sop story and how i didn't treat him like i should so poof an affair was born it has lasted about a month and as far as i can tell it is over.i don't excuse his actions but i understand where he was at when he did it but the thing that he didn't count on is that i am a fighter and i will win him back regardless of what she thinks.this ia the women he married not the one with ppd. i would not of felt a thing had i found out during that time. since d-day he has quit that job and spends his days off here with me and the kids. he doesn't sleep here he is staying with a male friend that i know and normally he would never lie to me. and he did about the a. the night he was caught he had broken it off and was going to come home to me and work things out. he had planned on confessing after we had started seeing mc but i busted him first. so i exploded and it was real ugly when i did i tossed him out but he keeps coming back.i feel as though its more then just the kids. but i am doing plan a and i am trying to be good but it doesn't always work. sometimes my emotions get the best of me. but he has agreeded to attend counseling with me. but not real sure if he is ready to recommit to marriage.he is unsure if he can ever win my trust back or if i will ever not be wierd when he is late or something. what he doesn't know that between me and my counsler i have come to terms with the a and understand that it wasn't me. and i am a very confident women under normal circs. so thats it any suggestions

Joanna, it will take time to repair your marriage, it won't happen overnight. You are just starting the hard part. Just concentrate on meeting his needs and avoiding lovebusters. He will come around as he goes through withdrawal frm the OW.

Are you sure the affair is over? When will he move home?

yes i am sure but right now i have a hard time with him sleeping here. it will take me time to recover from the shock and i need some space from him so no he will not be moving back home right now maybe in a few weeks we will see. my emotions are still really wacky and i would hate to hurt him in his sleep.

Joanna, your H needs to be HOME if you want to save your marriage. If you need some "space" then go in the bathroom and shut the door. But if you want to save your marriage, your H needs to come home. Him living away from you only adds to his detachment and makes it impossible for you to rebuild your marriage. No wonder he has "walls" up.

heres the plan. i am going to use a little reverse psycology on him and tell him that ilove him but that i really don't trust myself around him and i think for now he needs to stay out. thus he will want to be here and to come home do you think it will work. i will continue to do plan a when he is here. so it will mwake him want to come home. do you think it will work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't try reverse psychology with this. He may end up telling you that you're too hot and cold (like my WH told me). I'd be honest and straight. Say: "I love you and I want you to move home so we can work through this. I know we both have our hesitations but we need to be in the same home in order to have the time together that it will take to do this."

Don't play games with him. I know how easy it is to get sucked into emotional games...and the result is usually the opposite of what you're trying to accomplish.

heres the thing he won't move back home unless its his idea he is very stuborn about it. thinks that i need time to get myself together.but i need him to understand that it is very hard for me to deal with everything that is occuring. it makes it hard on me with him out of the house. i have to get him to understand that he is increasing my stress by not staying here with me. my baby daughter crys for him when he leaves. how do i get him to understand that. i need him to understand that he can have his space but right now the children need him here. it would make it so much easier. but with his resistance i don't know how to get around it.

Joanna, I thought it was you who "needed space" and wouldn't let him come home. Will he not come home?

I'm confused. Especially by this statement:

Hurt him in his sleep?

You need to tell him how you feel, not play games......the others are right that is going to backfire.

Just from your few quotes, it appears that you are torn, that you're not sure what you want to do.....I think maybe you should get that straight first and go from there.

-Caren

Know what strikes me here.... brace yourself .....

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you are not exactly inviting him back into a welcoming home

I think your goal needs readjusting.

You don't 'need him to understand' .... that may not happen for a long time. This is like expecting THE results before taking THE actions that are intended to remedy the problem.

You just need him home where he feels he is safe, and loved, and welcomed ....

Later, under the right circumstances, he has the chance to understand.

Love him up, down, and sideways every dayum day for a month. For just one month put your needs and insecurities aside ... and ask "What can I do today that will increase his happiness."

Do this like a science experiment. Watch for outcome after you put all the ingredients together.

Don't look for the outcome before you mix the ingredients.

The cake doesn't just 'appear' in your oven ... You have to assemble the ingredients, mix it just so, and then take the ~time~ to bake it.

Your cake is your husband back as your best friend .... how are you going to make this cake?

Happy baking ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

we are at a cross roads and im afraid to do the wrong thing. i fear that he will reject my advances toward loving him. i do a lot when he is here. i cook, make sure the house is in order, talk to him try to keep the hurt and anger under wraps.not so long ago i knew what to do now i really don't know what i need to do for him. i have asked him to come home repeatly but he says he can't right now. we have been honest with each other about the events that led up to this. right now i fear rejection of any attempt to be loving towards him. he know what i want i have made no secret of that to him. i am at a lose as to what to do. i am patient and i tell him that i love him and i understand his feeling. i write him love letters and send him cards. i am trying to pamper him heck i did his laundry the other day what else should i offer him. he has been saving my letters and cards that i send him. is that a sign that i am in the right tract. we talk about the kids family and us. i ask how he is and how work is and i listen to him. what else can i do to snap him out of his guilt and take a chance. he is so distant. we don't touch and i want to wrap my arms around him and hold him but i don't want to be rejected.

Joanna, well, that is different. I thought you weren't letting him come back.

However, I am dubious that the affair is really over. He has all the signs of someone who is in an affair. What makes you think it is really over?

i have been watching him close if he isn't here he is at work or sleeping at his friends house. the ow lives 2 counties away from here. he would not have time to go there he quit his job over there where she works. i just think he is on the fence and i need him to take the leap to my side and i feel that us talking and sharing is helping. i have been monitering his e-mails and his phone records to see proof. she hasn't been sending him anything for about 2 weeks when he deleted all her letters and cards. he doesn't know that i have his passwords to the account.so he has no reason to hide his secret mail from me he doesn't know i have access to those accounts.they haven't even been im ing each other so what do you think. he still calls 3-4 times a day when he is at work telling me what he's doing. i don't ask he tells.

Joanna, what was your marriage like before all this started? Did he feel respected and valued by you? What are his top emotional needs? Do you know?

Joanna,
You mentioned that your H has built walls aroung himself and you feel left out. Of course you would. But If you want him back, you need to take a chainsaw to those walls and cut windows in them.
Windows that will lead him to YOU! It is possible, but you will have to make a concerted effort to do so, even if it seems unfair, considering all that he's put you through.
Cut the windows in the wall and let him see the woman he first fell in love with. He will remember his love for you and all the fog will begin to clear up. He needs to see the woman he married.
You can do this! I wish you all the best in your recovery efforts.
All Blessings,
Jerry

okay the last 2 years have been rough. not enough time with just us. between his work my work kids and grandfather also pile a big depression on top of it he withdrew from the relationship and he is not sure that he wants to open the door to let him self love me. we were great up until the last 2 years.he felt that i could have cared less if he came home he felt that due to my depression i did not keep the house clean enough. he says that he doesn't want to change for me. i never asked him to. he resents the fact that he did things differently then he normally would. my husband is the type of person that likes to see people happy and it destroyed him when he couldn't make me happy. i don't think he really understands postpartum depression. i was doing better then a lot of people would have considering the load i was carrying. i think his pride is in the way.i think his biggest emotional need is for conversation that is how we first feel in love. but all he talks about are our problems. not anything good. what should i talk to him about the past he says that it is painful to remember the way we were. i am scrambling to keep this marriage and i want him to fall in love with me again. i look good when he is here and the house is clean. i cook for him and we talk and spend time with our children. i would like to try maybe going to a movie but i don't know if he would go?