alright everyone i learned an old lesson today something i knew in the past and forgot.self love and reliance. i don't need him to survive i am responsible for my own happiness. only i can make myself happy. i will no longer take responsibility for his mistakes they are his alone. i can accept my responsibilities in this mess but he choose to have an a rather then come to me before it started and clearing the air. i will be loving and kind and give him affection when ever i feel the need to regardless of how he feels. if he rejects me i will try again. i will have my husband back no matter what. i will not gain my happiness at the expense of other and i will tell him this. i will be the women he married and feel in love with. i know he still loves me but is using his excuse of not loving me as an excuse to cover his guilt. i will not fight with him i will be understanding of him and meet his emotional needs. hows that for progress he gave me a hug today he hasn't touched me in 3 weeks. i know go slow

someone answer me this are all men so pig headed. he keeps up with the i don't knows and why would he want to come back. doesn't want help tells me that i am pulling at him and it is pushing him away. i don't ask him for anything he does it on his own. just getting frustreted with all his crap. wants to see the kids but ends up rolling n here like he still lives here. takes naps, watches tv, showers, eats. whats up with that. i don't need him here. i went out last sat. and he told his mother that he thought it was a way to tie him down. thier his kids too. so angry with his avoidance. everyone thinks he has lost his mind. refuses to see the change and treats me like a door mate. he doesn't see that he has run out on his responsabilities. he thinks because he gives me money he is taking care of his end. any suggestion?

Set some boundaries. Tell him that he may be the kid's father, but he's not acting like your husband, and based on that, he's not entitled to simply show up and act like one for a few hours whenever he feels like it. If he wants to spend time with the kids, great...do it the same way any OTHER seperated father has to...take them to his house, or take them out to do things, or whatever.

Make it clear to him that you're NOT a doormat. If he's not willing to give you anything, don't let him take it either.

he doesn't have a place to take the kids. i am giving him the silent treatment today. he called the house nad my cell i haven't answered either he just expects me to cll him back. weel not to day i won't. i'm really tired today. i got my mom to watch the kids so i could have sometime to myself. my h is living out of his car going from friend to friend staying with them. he hasn't had a sucessful relationship. when things get rough he runs. i want to stop that this time there are 2 kids involved but he thinks things will be just fine.

Oh yeah, and change the locks on the house so he can't just waltz on in whenever he pleases. So he doesn't have a place to take them...why not take them to the park, or the mall, or something like that?

Bottom line is that he can't just pick and choose what parts of your life he can participate in. If he wants to be their dad, he's going to have to learn how to do that outside of YOUR home.

okay sounds good but he thinks ill turn the kids against him. he's doing a good job of it himself. he says he doesn't need me but he does i pay the bills i control the money i care for the kids i have taken care of his grandfather. i am managing all of this without him. the only thing he does id haul hay to the horses and mow the grass and i can fix that. so he will have no excuse to come here when ever he does. we are filing for bankruptcy and ill have to move me and the kids i hope he doesn't expect me to move his junk with us.

Joanna,

Three years ago, my H moved in w/ a buddy after admitting to an EA. I begged him to come home. I called him in the middle of the night sobbing and pleading. I made up excuses to get him to the house.

Finally, after some IC, I figured it out. I stopped calling him. I stopped taking most of his calls. When we did talk, I did my best to sound happy. I kept myself & my 3 sons busy. He called one evening and the boys told him we had gone out & bought fishing poles and we were going to a lake the next day to go fishing. He asked to speak to me. He asked why he wasn't invited. I explained that we no longer needed him. He decided to move out. We are accepting it and moving on without him. Broke his heart! Tough S**T, I said!

One night he called about 11:00 pm to tell me his buddy's parents were in town so he had to find somewhere else to sleep, had no $ for a hotel room, and wanted to come sleep on my couch. I refused. He ended up sleeping in his car in the parking lot of Walmart!

I no longer acted needy and did things myself. He noticed the change and I believe it frightened him - to realize the boys and I did NOT need him. Shortly thereafter, he asked to come home. I had been waiting for that day, but when it happened, I actually had to think about it. I said yes, under strict terms.

He's home. He's involved with the boys. I always know where he is. We still have many issues to work out but he knows that I am no longer the needy, blubbering wife I once was.

It's hard, but a little "tough love" can make someone open their eyes (AND spending the night in the Walmart parking lot!) I can't guarantee that he will come home but I do guarentee that you will become a stronger woman and feel better about yourself.

Take care,
Tatertot

P.S. It's okay to ball your eyes out, just don't let know about it!!!

did he ever use the excuse that there was to much damage and he doesn't want to start over he feels as if he would hold my mistakes against me. he couldn't take it if i went into depression again. or lets see no body believes that i want a divorce i know what i want. i know myself and what i want. i don't need you. you do nothing for me. these are all the things he says to me. well i guess it is tough love time. he gave up his home i didn't i hope his girlfriend likes supporting him.

wh just called again. did not answer the phone will remain radio silence for the rest of tonight and maybe tomorrow. don't think i will be around tomorrow. says he doesn't need me well we will see how he deals with the silence. i think not well. i have been his support for 8 years and i have had enough. it is really hard not to answer the phone but i can resist. when he showa up again he will have a rude suprise waiting.

wh has called 3 times still not going to answer the phone if its important he'll leave a message. thank god for caller id. i wish they had a chat room here

i am going to be unavalible to him the rest of the week. tomorrow going to take the girls to the lake, i'll figure something out for fri, sat he works and sunday i think i'm going to the zoo. see how he likes that. idon't fill any of his needs huh. well he certainly likes to call me alot. i hope he gets his head screwd on straight pretty soon

all right guys i need some direction. money is in a bad way. wh has spent spent spent. bank accounts are in the negative numbers and it due to his spending. i barely spend anything just for food, gas, and utilities. i don't think that he realises that he is digging us all into a hole by continuing his running around. i don't ask him what he is doing or where he is at. i don't figure it will do any good. things would get better if he would just come home. he is taking the food out of his kids mouth. how could someone be so inconsiderate. these kids didn't ask for any of this they landed in like me. should i just addapt a i don't care atitude or what. he's coming over to day i don't know when. and should the relationship to the ow be exposed to all of the people who know her or what. if we could get her out of the picture we could work on our relationship.

alright update time i am still plan a but it is getting a little easier. he admitted he still loves me so that is the crack that i need to help expand right. i can work with this. i will be patient and loving and pay as much attention to him as i can when he is here. he got a peek at me half naked and he continued to stare. did not turn away or anything like that. we talked about finances real cival so i have hope been mushing him up with cards and letters i think i am on the right tract

bump