My last few posts have been long rants but I am going to try to make this very specific.

What I am wanting to know is if I can trust my W anymore? She says that its over and I believe her. But is she going to do it again in another 10 years?

Brief History:

Before my W and I met she was married to another man. She cheated on him with her next boyfried. She says she did it because he was cheating on her first.

Then she finally left her H for the new boyfried. She moved to the city I live in with the boyfriend. Then we met and she left that boyfriend for me. She says that she cheated on him because he was doing it to her first again.

10 years after we met I find out that she is cheating on me(even though Ive never cheated on her and never gave her a reason to think that I did). She kept doing it after I found out for about 2 months I think.

Then she decided to stop all contact with these 2 people and their family and friends. She is being a great W now and really seems to be remorseful about it, but I dont want to be with someone who is going to cheat on me. If I had known that this was going to happen when I met her I would have never talked to her. Thinking back I probably should have known.

My Real Questions:

Does this sound like a habitual cheater? Does anyone think that she could be a good W for the rest of our lives? I dont want to waste any more time and right now I feel like Ive wasted 10 years.

was it over when the germans bombed pearl harbor?...

yes...CHEATER....run away fast

enigma, she is a habitual cheater. She has a history of cheating and even cheated with you when she met you.

So the real question should be: can she change? Sure she can. If she gets into counseling and does alot of hard work to change herself. You can't change her, but she could change herself if she tried hard enough.

Thanks for the response to my questions. I think you guys are right. She is a habitual cheater. And even if she does change I dont know how to deal with this. This is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me. I think about it every day and night. I am constantly worrying about where she is going and who she is with. And if it will happen again some time in the future. Im almost 30 now and if I stay with her and she cheats on me again in 10 years then Ill be 40. How would I recover from that? Im not sure if I would want to start over at that age( or even at this age). But I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life either.

I feel like I need to make a decision right now about this. I can either accept that I am married to a cheater for the rest of my life or I can leave and try to start over.

So I guess my next question is are there any habitual cheaters or S's of habitual cheaters that were able to stop this stupid behavior for good?

Oh I have one more question. My W keeps telling me that she didnt have sex with the 2 OP. I dont beleive her and here is why. She talked to them about having sex with them for almost 3 months. She admits to kissing them on 4 seperate occasions. And she had every opportunity to have sex with them because I trusted her.

I know there are many FWS's here so my next question is:
Is there anyone here who had a similar situation where they just talked to someone about having sex for 3 months and never did?

I just cant understand how you can talk to someone about that for that long and have every chance to make it happen but just not do it.

It's probably a lie, enigma. If it doesn't smell right, it probably isn't.

Your wife is a serial cheater. She has cheated on her men consistently in her past relationships. It seems you would have to be in denial to believe she did not have sex with these other men. Are you going to wait until she puts your health again at serious risk. In the past she clearly justified her cheating and cheats on you again after she is caught. The bottom line is that she has a broken moral compass. It sounds like you are hoping that an orange will turn into an apple. The signs in the past were quite clear that she was a serial cheater and you chose not to see them.
She cheats on you and you dedided not to see them. After she is caught she continued to cheat. It seems you are beginning to open your eyes as to what kind of person you married. What is the point in being married to someone who you cannot trust and that you will always be worried that she is screwing someone else? Why would you wish to live such a life?

GO WITH THE ODDS !!!!!!!

Fool me once....shame on you...

Fool me twice....shame on ME.

I can see a one time....fogese, MLC....bad set of decisions and circumstances that ****might**** lead to an affair, but IF it happens AGAIN........FORGET IT.

Cheaters are cheaters. If it happens once, it is more ikely to happen again....if it happens TWICE...well....you get what you pay for.

If I were you I would NOT STOP and collect the $200.00. Emotional needs and feelings and dopamine agonists and aliens and all that B$ don't always play a role in these situations. Sometimes people are just "flawed" and no amount of rationalization can change that.

Goodluck with what ever you decide to do.

Cheers,

LM

enigma,

There are enigma's in life, but this is not one of them. The problem you have is you are married to a woman that does not value or respect marriage, promises, or vows. YOU cannot change that only serious counseling can do that. So the only issue is are you willing to live with someone (although loved by you) that has no boundaries with respect to relationships with men? If you are...problem solved stay. If you are not...problem solved leave.

You cannot fix her. You cannot love her into changing. You cannot counsel her, and you surely cannot change her. Only she can do that and so far little has been done. I would say that unless she went into deep IC she has no chance of changing. I could be wrong, but my analysis is not.

You are a young man. I did not marry until 31 and I have now been married for 29 years and with luck will be married another 20-30 years. That my man is a long time even if you start late. If you are going to spend that kind of time with a woman, make it a woman you can respect, a woman that loves you, and a woman that you can trust. She has not shown any of these traits.

I realize this is marriage builders but you don't have children right, she has done this to a previous husband, and she has done it to you. I am sure she is very sorry. I am sure she doesn't want the marriage to end. I am sure these to facts do NOT mean she won't cheat again. ONly a real change in perspective could suggest the possibility that she would be a faithful W.

Sorry for being so negative, but unless SHE takes new and unusual action, you can pretty well predict what is going to happen.

God Bless,

JL

I've been seperated for 8 months, divorced for 2 months. 3 months ago my then STBXWW asked for a final chance to reconcile. I listened to her total lack of understanding of what, why, and how she did those things so early in our marriage. Let me tell you how sad it is to hear such empty words and such self pity (they only understand the pain they feel, and not the pain they inflict on others). Well, I'm feeling very good these day, finally (took long enough). From what I hear from the grapevine ( I will never knowingly contact her again) that she plans to remarry. Now think about this, 3 months since she asked to return, and now planning for another marriage. It did not hurt me to hear this, but makes you wonder how another marriage built on such shakey foundation will last the test of time. Some people will never learn because they will not look within themselves to see their destructive behavior, they just keep moving through life as a tornado. I did love my ex-wife (past tense), yet I had to make a painful decision to leave. Like yourself, I had no children with the WW, and therefore I held true to my principles. Do I sometimes miss her? Ofcourse... Do I ever regret my decisions? Absolutely Not! I pray you make the right decision for YOU, and I wish you well.

Seoulman
Me= BS 34
XWW= 28
M 2yrs

It's been a long time since I've posted here and I just wanted to thank all of you guys for your responces. They really helped me. Plus they were right on!

I put up with her cheating for about 7 months hoping she would realize her mistakes and change. That didn't happen so I filed for D. The D was final in January and I'm now living with my best friend from high school. It really sux being single again but it's better than being married to a cheater.

I also have a couple of things I would like to share to others that may be in the same situation that I was in. These are things that seem to show up in every case I've read about and they seem to be good indicators of what the outcome will be. Please correct me if you think I'm wrong.

1. If you confront your WS with evidence of them cheating and they respond with denial, anger, and accusations, then they are do not realize what they've done and will continue to cheat. On the other hand, if they seem to be remorseful right away then there is a good chance the couple will recover.

2. No contact is absolutely necessary! Do not let them bargain to keep the other person in the loop. Relatives and friends of the other person should also be no contact. In fact everyone and everything that may lead to contact with the other person is off limits. It may even require you to move to another state to accomplish this but it's very important. If they can't agree to this then you might as well consider it over.

Well, hope this helps someone. Also let me know what you think guys about the 2 points I have above.

A's seem to come from one of 2 cookie cutters. The big evil cutter that always ends in D. Or the "not quite so evil" cutter that allows for recovery if both parties are willing to work at it.

I seem have taken a bite from the BIG EVIL cookie. lol.

EBH,

Thanks for the update. U r right on with your POV. Hopefully it will help some from adding the hurtful environment the WS try to drag us into.

The hard part for many a BS is to know which type of evil their WS is. That's the part that takes time....then to acknowledge it eats up more time. Still we survive.

All the best as you move forward with your new life.

I for one appreciate your words of wisdom. Don't ever lose confidence in yourself and what you can accomplish. Be glad u were smart enough NOT t/b kept in the fog.

Aloha,
L.

So how do you tell which kind it is - I thought they all denied etc. and didn't act remorseful at first?

Here's where the need for the BS to cultivate patience comes in. Not even the WS knows which type of 'evil' they are.

The WS needs to manifest itself for life or shed the WS skin and morph back to the real human spouse.

Given the above and realize this is just my opinion, the BS must go through the plan A and B steps as needed to ensure the BS at the very least, survives. Whether the WS comes back or not, the BS and family survive.

That is why the MB plans work well. For the BS at least. For the Xws when they choose to shed their WS skin. It does come of but it is not washable. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sorry....there is no magic cure or quick fix. This is life.

L.

19, I've read several stories on here and other places about WS's that, once caught, showed remorse and understanding of what they'd done to the BS.

There is a thread on Recovery I think by iamsorry(Cheated_On is his BW) that shows this. He is WH and once he was caught he realized he had made a mistake. He started working on the M and NC with the OW. After reading thier stories I think they have at least a chance and I really hope they make it.

His biggest mistake was not confessing everything once he was caught. And I know that when Cheated_On found out about the rest of it she was more hurt than before.

Orchid, I like what you said here:

> The WS needs to manifest itself for life or shed the WS skin and morph back to the real human spouse.

On dday my W actually became a completely different person. She lied constantly, even about things that didn't matter. She got fired from her job. She said that she had been looking for a new one but that turned out to be a lie also. She withdrew from the family. She never could "morph back to the real human spouse".