Hi to all,

I finally talked to H. It's been a very frustrating time for me since he hasn't called, hasn't answered my calls, etc. He finally called me back Tuesday night. His birthday was Wed. I told him that I would like to make him dinner for his birthday, but he couldn't make it b/c he had to work. He said he could make it Thurs, but I had to work til 8pm. But he was in town and I met him after work for dinner along with 2 of the kids.

Anyway, we came home. I gave him his birthday card. I had written in it that I am sorry about so many things in our marriage and listed about 50+ things that I'm sorry about (I had to write very small). Then I gave him an early Father's Day card in which I wrote a lot of about how I feel, that I will be devistated if we do end up divorced, that I couldn't change what had happened or make it up to him, but I could listen to his hurts and other things. Took a bath. Went to bed. H was watching TV, turned it off. I suggested that we talk. He said that he was trying to avoid it, but guessed that we needed to. He acknowledged that I had put a lot of thought into the messages in the 2 cards.

I asked him if he thought I was a different person than I was 2 years ago and he said that yes, he does.
I asked him if he thought I loved him and he said that yes, he does.
I asked him if he wants a divorce and he said that no, he doesn't but he thinks there may no way around it.
He said that he'll never know if I'm really better. He'll only know if I'm still sick.
He said that he sleeps now that he's staying at his mom's and has resigned himself to the fact that I will do this to him again.

Well, I had nothing to say. Obviously, I can't make him do anything. I just listened. I don't know what to tell him anymore. I have told him that he can follow me. I tell him where I am all the time and that's where I am. I've told him he can check up on me. I've told him he's welcome to come here and read what I write. I told him he can hire a detective anytime he wants. I carry my phone with me when I go to the bathroom at work and home, etc because I'm afraid he'll call me and I won't answer. He says that he refuses to live like that. He won't go to MC. He won't go to IC. He won't take AD. He won't read any books on the subject. And God knows I never seem to say the right things, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I think I speak a foreign language or something. Or maybe I'm just an inconsiderate b!tch. I know I don't want to be, but maybe I just need to accept that fact stay away from all R.

Because of certain circumstances surrounding all of this he won't tell anyone and doesn't want me to either. I have told him that I think I'll tell my dad and he doesn't want me to.

I don't know. Maybe it would be better for him if we did just end this and get it over with, but I just can't let it go. I don't want to be divorced again. I never wanted anyone but H. I don't want my S spend the next 5 years being shuffled back and forth between mom and dad.

Well, as usual I've gotten long winded. Thanks to all who put up with reading my junk.

I'm precious

Hello,

I am sorry but maybe I have you confused with someone else but is the reason your husband does not wish you confiding to your father or anyone else about the incident is because the psychiatrist is of another race?

Hi Bryanp,

You don't have me confused. That's the main reason. Actually I'm not sure if he would feel differently were that not the case, but I'll never know. I have told one friend and H knows this. He was ok with it. H has told 2 people. One is an older woman who works for him. The other is a female friend of his whom I've never met. They've been friends for 20+ years. Both of these women have been very supportive of both of us. However, he won't talk to either of them about this anymore either.

Actually, I need to add that H has seen an IC at a local sexual assault center where my IC counselor is. I think he's been 2 or 3 times, but he only went because I talked him into it and told him it was to help him deal with his feelings about me, somewhere he can vent. However, the IC had to cancel their last appt because she was sick and H has never called back to reschedule. That's been about 3 mos ago, I think. I just want to add this because I do want to be as accurate as possible when I tell about our R.

I'm precious

Hello again,

I remember your story very well. The psychiatrist is an absolute disgrace to his profession and as a man. He was a total predator who took advantage of you when you were at your weakest and needed help the most. I can understand how your husband would be absolutely devastated. I am guessing that your husband was always asking himself why didn't you come to him and say something. My guess he feels that this may happen again because you did not speak up. I see how you have changed tremendously. You did everything you could to bring charges against this psychiatrist. This is not your fault. I know that I should not say this but I think if I was your husband the chances of this psychiatrist being injured would be great.

What words do you use to your husband to make him realize why you did not tell him initially and what would you do today if something like this happened again. I think your husband needs these words which you probably have already said. Imagine what you would need if the roles were reversed somehow. I am sure your husband's self-esteem and his feelings as a man has taken a terrible blow. I am sure he thinks he should have protected you somehow and he failed.
I wish you so much luck.

Bryanp,

Thanks for the support. I am in IC who is a woman. Of course, I will never go to a man for IC. I am dealing with all the abuse issues that I never dealt with. I'm learning boundaries. I'm reading. I'm learning about myself and why I've made all the bad choices in life, so that I don't repeat them anymore. I've finally come to the conclusion that I can't trust people in positions such as S's psychiatrist. At least at this point in my life. Just because someone is supposed to be trustworthy, doesn't mean that they are and for some reason, I seem to "attract" them. I have finally realized that I am a survivor! I'm no longer a victim. I refuse to be a victim anymore. Maybe that's why I found myself making the choices I made. I made them as a victim and not a survivor. Anyway, I've told all of this to H and he just can't accept it. I guess he's hurt too much. Don't get me wrong. I know I still have a lot of work to do. I will always need to grow and work on me. I've figured out that that's actually a good thing. If I'm not working on me and looking at myself then I become stagnant and I don't want to that.

Thanks again for the response and support. I need it. I just wish I could take away all the pain both of us are feeling, but I can't. I know it's a process that we have to go through irregardless of the outcome.

I'm precious