Guy 4 sounds interesting...i like guy 4 best...

Dont worry about the moving part...you should still keep an open mind about that though...you never know...

My OP is further than 150 miles...you have to take 2.5 hours flight to get there...if this goes further i guess i have to move...

Good luck...

LL,

At what point does it become WRONG to date more than one person?

That depends on the people, for me, I don't think anything is wrong with dating more than one person until two people discuss wanting to date each other exclusively. And until that point, why should you only date one person?

As they might not like you as much as you like them, or vice versa.

Think about the first guy you went out with, yes, you have the initial attraction, but there were things you have problems with.

What if he wanted to date you exclusively, would You really want to date him exclusively?

What if he expected you to only date him exclusively, because it's what HE wants? Is that respectful of your feelings?

And what if you wanted to date guy #2 exclusively, but he didn't want to date you exclusively?

Would it be fair to him, for you to expect or get mad if he dated someone else just because you didn't want to date anyone else?

So it really needs to be a mutual decision, that your both wanting to date each other exclusively. And until that point, it's okay for both or even all of you to date others or not.

It's your choice as to how many people you wish to date, and until your ready to date only one of these men, or someone else entirely is completely up to you.

The latest: Met guy #3 for the first time today - lunch at Panera. I was a little apprehensive about meeting even before the date--the phone conversations have been awkward. Okay, I'm very glad I only allowed myself an hour! First, his profile says he's 5'8" (which is already pushing it, because I'm 5'9" and I wear heels). So, I wore tiny heels today. Still...I towered over him. He is not as tall as he thinks he is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> He's also just not my type--at all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So, we talked--but I kept having to force it. It was awkward. I'm hoping he doesn't call or email me again.

But just in case the unthinkable happens and he does call again, I need advice. How does one kindly let someone know they're not interested? I've really never had to do that.

Guy #1 (the one with "the eyes") wants to take me out to dinner or to one of our farmer's markets tomorrow evening. I plan on accepting because it's supposed to be beautiful out, and I enjoyed his company the first time.

I don't have to bring up yet that I have no intentions of sex outside of marriage, do I? (See, I don't know how to do that, either, because the first time around I didn't remain celibate).

I really do make this difficult! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

LL

Letsee, I'll be brave and post my opinion for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

First, relax. You'll figure this stuff out - I promise! But I certainly know how you feel.

Guy #3 - ummmm.... Did HE seem to like YOU? Try not to worry until (if) he actually contacts you again. If you're sure you don't want to try date #2 with him (are you sure he just wasn't nervous, etc?), then... You can choose Door #1 - ignore him, or Door #2 - "thank you for lunch. It was good getting to know you better. I'm just not sure we're the right match. I'm going on a 2nd date with someone, and I'd really like to see where things go with that relationship. Good luck to you!" Or something like that in your own words.

On the sex thing, (my opinion), the situation or conversation will come up when the time is right. EVERY new dating experience is different, so there's really no right way to do it, IMO. As you get to know *him* better, conversations will go in all directions, ya know? Faith, morals, past history, beliefs, etc., and you will probably have your chance then to state your beliefs. If not, another MORE direct conversation, at the right time, may come up when one of you asks the other person directly how you feel about it. Or perhaps, a situation, like... ummmm.... when making out, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />, will cause you to stop and want to clear the air and talk about it.

In other words, relax... have some thoughts in mind about your beliefs for WHEN the conversation pops up... but when the time is right... it will come up ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> the conversation, that is LOL ).

Does that help? a little?

Hey, maybe you'll meet someone who is thinking the same exact thing. That's what you want, isn't it?

If it were me, and I had to address it, I'd just say it was too soon in the relationship for me. Your position will either be respected or not - but you'll probably learn how he feels about it.

LL, here's my take...

There's no need to spell out all your boundaries unless they become an issue. If these matters come up naturally in conversation, then great, you can discuss them then, but don't force it. Misunderstandings over unstated assumptions or expectations are probably going to happen, but don't sweat it. Just correct the misunderstandings when you become aware of them and go on. If a guy can't handle that, then write him off. It's not your problem.

Be yourself, be honest, address issues as they come up, and look at these experiences as opportunities to learn about yourself and what you want, as well as opportunities to practice social and relational skills. Try not to take this all that seriously.

Hey, as far as I can tell, you're doing great. At least you're doing something. I signed up on one of these dating sites about a week ago and sent out a number of emails, but so far all I have to show for it is a polite rejection, a not-so-polite rebuff from someone who had actually initiated contact with me, and a whole lot of silence.

LL,

can't you just go out to have fun?

stop analyzing and just have fun. . . you aren't deciding on your next marriage proposal . .

gees, I have never seen someone so up tight about going out to have fun and just meet someone. . .

go out to learn about other people, don't go out to select your next marraige partner. . .

wiftty

LL

I went through this for about a year before God sent my man back into my life. Take it a little slower, especially if you are not so organized, you may forsget that you have told one something that you told another, chatting with 2 is much easier and you can spend a little more time getting to know them.

As for unwanted calls or emails..it is essential that you are hnest with him. Dont avoid the issue. Send him a polite email telling him that you enjoyed meeting and chatting with him but you have found someone who is more in-line with your personality that you would like to spend more time communicating with. Simple but honest.

I had to do this several times and to be honest is always the best. And there will be times that someone will tell you the same..take it with the knowledge that you have gained experience in the back to the dating game. Dont over-analyze and relax, have fun.

Faith,

RE: Guy #3 today - I don't care if he was just nervous or what. Definitely not the guy for me. Fortunately, he hasn't called or emailed since the date, so hopefully he had the same vibes I did and it will take care of itself.

GNP,

Hang in there. I think I just got lucky and had a lot of "hits" at first because my profile was new. That's how I met the guys I've been out with. My profile still gets viewed, but I only get an email every now and then from someone new. And none have been of interest But I'm not being super selective on what I'm looking for from a physical aspect (though I'll be changing that height requirement) or on an interests level at first. I might meet someone who really isn't what I thought I was looking for at all, because they didn't fit my little pre-defined picture. Had I set my initial criteria too narrow, I'd have missed out. I can always scale it down as I go.

WIFTY & Sunrise,

Over-analyze? Ya think??!

Actually, it's sort of the opposite, though of what you said. Although I pray I don't spend the rest of my life single, I am NOT, and I repeat NOT ready to settle down with any one person. Marriage is not on my mind right now. I never dated as a teen. I'm going to do it now.

My issue is that I want to be sure I don't lead the guys on. They are on a dating/match website, after all. They are looking for a partner. I just want to go out and have fun and enjoy the companionship right now. But I'm not good at this dating thing yet.

And yes, organization is tough for me. I actually have been saving all my copies of my emails to them and vice versa (at least those that had any substance) so that I can refresh my memory every now and then on what I've told them. It's not that I'm being untruthful--just that I don't want to sound stupid if I repeat something three times.

Right now, assuming Guy #3 doesn't call back, I'm down to two here in town that I've committed to second dates with, and the guy 150 miles to the north that I'm emailing. There's another guy I've emailed a few times, but I'm just not that interested in him, so will probably let that one fade away.

I think you're right. 2-3 is a plenty at any one time.

LL


LL

LL,

As you never really dated years ago, have you considered reading the book Boundaries in Dating?

Maybe that will help you out now.

LL,

I've been reading about your dating situation with interest because of several reasons - 1) it has been about 2 years since I successfully used Match.com (and hopefully won't need to get back to it ever again!) and you take me back to the exciting and anxious experience of the new world of dating 2) to read what's going on in a woman's mind in assessing us guys on these blind dates 3) it is interesting how thinking about dating changes the older one gets. Something, too, about how the online scene resembles a market where one can pick certain characteristics (prior marital status, religious beliefs, height/weight, hobbies/interests, etc) that makes it so enticing yet may artificially limit choices...

I think that like others have said, you seem to over analyze things - just relax and enjoy yourself. My guess is that most men you run into in your (our) age group will understand your hesitency and respect that, although this may be less so with never married men who may have more urgent life goals.

I would rethink or at least be more flexible on some of the criteria you use to eliminate men, particularly the divorced/unmarried aspect (not just saying this because I would never make your short list!). Our experiences are all different and we (hopefully) learn along the way. While I too would probably never want to develop any emotional commitment to one I knew who had cheated on their ex or had different religious beliefs, being too narrow may limit your choices. Also, someone never married may be too inexperienced in relationships and the compromises that they entail.

Good luck in your journey and have fun exploring this new life!

Weisguy,

Actually, I have started to seriously rethink whether or not a never-married guy at my age might be a good idea. I think a man who reaches the age of 40, never-married and childless, would have a HARD time adjusting to the married-with-children life. And yes, it makes me wonder WHY they never married, either.

Though I wouldn't rule out the right never-married guy either...just would probably be very cautious.

LL

AAARRRGGG!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Update to yesterday's lunch date: Guy #3 just emailed me. Asked me if I'd ever been told I have a lot of spunk. And asked me if I'd like to go fishing with him on Sunday.

I'm gonna have to tell this guy I'm not interested. I'm not good at being mean. I don't know how...so right now, I'm ignoring. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

LL

Ignoring is rude and impolite to someone who took an interest in you at your request. If you have any character LL you do the hard stuff as well as the easy stuff in life, or you are not worthy.

Take a deep breath, write a simple email (heck don't even have to talk to him).

Guy #3, thank-you for your compliment and interest in me. I prefer honest and clear communications between people, so must tell you I have decided not to continue any dating with you. I know we all like to know "why", and that is a reasonable feeling so will say this.

You seem like a nice enuf person, there is no big issue, but we all have to make such decisions after an initial date, and I simply choose not to continue. Please don't email me anymore, and best of luck in your search.

That's it LL, he (if not a nutcase) will recognize the courtesy and respect, and will move on, and you can look at yourself in the mirror and see a woman of character. If you want honesty in relationships, then best you practice it...right?

and btw, I suggest you read your tagline.

btw, if instead he starts hounding you, then you can be rude and direct. In time (as these things work), he may later send a cursory email, or you may too if you want to revisit this match...I had a woman do that with me after I ended one, she sent a little exploratory note with a joke or some such, and how are you, I politely responded with innocuous reply (trying to be nice, cause I hate mean too)...she of course sent another a few days later (cause it was a probe in reality), I ignored it, and never heard from her again. The point being if I wanted to revisit it, the options are there, maybe. But in this case, sounds like you have no interest at all, so that's that.

Guess I should have clarified, I don't plan on ingnoring him forever. I realize that's not nice. But I'm going to think on my response for a while before I write back, because I don't like hurting anyone's feelings. He has no way of knowing I've even read the email yet. It comes through Match.com, and the system doesn't let you know if they've been read.

So I have until this evening if I'd like, because that's usually when I respond to people.

I'll probably be a little vague and as you mentioned,just thank him for meeting and tell him I feel he's a nice person but that I need to feel that I click with someone on the initial date and that I have decided not to continue with him.

I'll stop at that, and leave out the part about not emailing me anymore or wishing him luck.

But I'm thinking right now. I'll send later.

Oh yeah, and the tagline. My stumbling block (and the reason I need to re-read it from time to time) is that although I "CAN" do everything, my stubbornness or fear sometimes creates the issue with, "but WILL I do it?"

Still growing, and working on that.

LL

hehe. I figured you'd hear from him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You'll find the right words. I even developed a couple of pen-pal sortof friendships where we kinda kept up with each other for several weeks of "hows its goin" kindof things, or joke exchanges, etc. Most people really are just looking for companionship, and a lot of them are scared of the internet-stuff, hate rejection, and hate "getting back out there in the dating pool again" too. Encouragement, nice-ness, laughter, light-heartedness, understanding, and polite "good luck to you" wishes (IMHO) are friendly and make the "game" less stressful for everyone.

Anyhoo... you're doing fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The deed is done. Here's a copy of what I sent:



So, did I do okay?

LL

LL's journal of dating takes another turn:

I went out on date #2 with Guy #1. (too many numbers..) First, let me say this again. He has awesome eyes! Oh, and tonight I decided he also has an awesome, and rather ornery smile to go with them. Red, red, red flags. Big banners going through my head saying "Be very careful, this one will make you weak."

Okay, so we went to a local farmer's market this evening. I met him in a book store parking lot and let him drive me there because it gets really busy and parking and meeting would have been tough. Had a very nice time walking around, listening a bit to a blues band, and talking about his faith (he had a conversion experience that makes me envious--almost makes me wonder if I was ever really saved at all, because I never had that overwhelming feeling of being spirit-filled.) Anyway, I find it interesting because he was raised Catholic and made such a huge swing. But he is very knowledgable and very emotional about it. We discussed some deep stuff.

But we weren't done, so we went to a Mexican restaurant, stuffed ourselves on chips and salsa and our meals. And at the restaurant, a different topic came up...

Started with him asking me if I ever have plans of remarrying. I told him I do have hopes to someday have that opportunity again, that being single for the rest of my life is a scary thought, but that right now I'm a little gun-shy of any relationship given what I just got out of.

He stops, thinks a little, and says, "so you illuded to being somewhat bad when you were younger", and asked me to elaborate. I shared my early days of drinking and partying and being stupid, and said that while I do enjoy my occasional marguerita, I'm not the partier I used to be. It's not what I believe.

You could tell...the mind was thinking. And he said something about not knowing how to ask me this, and I said "I don't shock easily, just ask." So he tip-toes around what it is that I plan--do I plan on...and he hesitates...so I just said it:

"Yes, it's my goal to wait until marriage." (Big weight off my shoulders.) It became quiet--not the answer he was looking for, I don't think. I told him that I certainly miss the physical part of a relationship and waiting is not something that I'm jumping up and down wanting to do, but it's because I believe that if we are going to believe the Bible is God's word and follow it, we can't just pick and choose our parts to follow, no matter how much we'd rather not follow them.

He lightened up some, and the ornery smile came back, and he started down a long list of vague questions which I did fairly good mind-reading enough to be able to answer. Obviously, sex is important to him. I told him I understand that--it's something I wouldn't really want to do without either, if I didn't have to.

Basically I think he was trying to mentally feel out my position (no pun intended there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) on what I will or won't do. And I'm not going to do certain things outside marriage, so I just said, "Do you mean inside a marriage, or outside?" I think that put him on the spot, so he volunteered "inside". I told him that it's my opinion that as long as two adults are married, that no other people or other clearly Biblically wrong things are involved, that if they are both in agreement, I think they can do what they want (though personally I have one or maybe two lines I'd draw).

He was still smiling. I said "did that answer your question, or would you like to ask something else?" I guess that was enough for the night.

So we left the restaurant and headed back for my car, but he was stalling, and asked if I had to be back right away.

(Uh no, I'm thoroughly enjoying the eyes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />, the smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, the personality <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...the whole deal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...and I'm an adult--no curfew.) So I said, "No, do you have any ideas?"

So, we drove around my side of town and listened to some of his CD's (contemporary Christian stuff) for probably an hour, and visited a bit more about faith and beliefs and stuff before he finally brought me back to my car at 11pm.

He loaned me a CD to burn for myself (I'd like to think he might take me out a 3rd time to get it back, but it's a burned copy, too...so he'd lose little by not getting it back.).

And we did that awkward thing where we stand there by my car sort of visiting, and I said "I really do need to go now." And he gave me a hug. It was VERY nice to feel the physical touch of someone besides my dogs and my children. Again...dangerous, red flags. Not that I'm out of control or think I'm going to do something stupid with him right now. It's more that I've grown to really like him over our 2 dates.

But I have to keep telling myself--he's been married 2 times! Neither lasted over 5 years. And neither ended due to infidelity. That is NOT a good track record!

So I'm sort of stuck between really, really hoping he calls me again, because I'd like to go out again, and hoping that he never calls me because I'm starting to get scared of not being able to shut off my feelings and think clearly. I'm not ready to be emotionally involved with anyone at this point.

But it was a really good evening! And yes, I survived "the talk".

LL

I'm just grinning so big for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And some chill bumps too. That sounds like SUCH a neat date, and I'd love to see those eyes you're talking about! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Now.... (as if I'm talking to myself here)... it may not go anywhere... right? So, try not to get your hopes up. But... I'm guessing he may respect you and your "stance" a WHOLE LOT!!! He may think "this woman is SPECIAL", and think maybe "waiting" is what he needs in order to make a relationship last *this* time. After all, he wasn't ready for the evening to be over!

It sounds like it was soooo neat! Enjoy it! And keep us posted!