Faith,

Oh wow, I can't believe I'm coming across like that! (taking shoe off...hitting self across side of head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)

No, I really value your input, in fact I think you have very good insite as to what's going on in my mind...my fears, and such. I probably do owe you a response to a couple of your earlier posts. I think it's because I don't have questions about what you write that I don't always respond, because what you say makes sense without clarification.

I'll try hard to do better. Truly, keep writing! I feel priviledged that some of you are really sticking with me and trying to help when I can be stubborn or too analytical to the point it's annoying.

LL

LL - I've felt this way too when I've posted to you. I assumed I'd said something that annoyed you... May I suggest you post back to those who've posted to you - even if you just list names and acknowledge that you appreciated the feedback? You don't always have to have a comment for everyone - just to know the effort was appreciated...

ll,
Thank you for your response <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. And don't worry about it. I certainly didn't want you to hit yourself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. I just didn't know how you were taking me.... what you were thinking.... and wanted to understand. My mindreading UBB code doesn't always work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

hugs,
Faith1

Ah yes, the sweet feeling of...er, being dumped.

Guy #1 finally responded to my email. However, as best I can read it, it is a very vague "I don't wish to see you again" letter. Anything that starts out "Well, LL" instead of "Hi" is suspect, and it went on to say he thinks I need to heal more, he encouraged me to date and to not analyze quickly, and that as he stated earlier, he's not sure where he stands, and that he is meeting someone else.

Coincidentally, his profile is also no longer available on Match. He's either blocked me, or his subscription expired, as he mentioned a while back it was going to do.

So...time to move on. I learned a good lesson. If I feel a strong chemical attraction for someone and they're attractive, I shouldn't date them. I can't believe how soon I started feeling stuff--ouch now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. (Even though I think this is much wiser in the long run, because I do question his ability to commit to anyone, given that he's been in 2 marriages and neither lasted very long).

Guy #2 and I went out tonight--had a good night--played some mini-golf and went for pizza. It really is a shame we are such opposites when it comes to beliefs. Granted, I don't feel the intensity of attraction for him that I did for Guy #1, but I don't find him repulsive by any means either. It's more just a calm, comfortable type thing. He has gotten me to agree to go dancing with him some night. I'm SO scared I'll make a total fool of myself as I've not danced in years. But at least this gives me something to look forward to in the form of male company.

And yes, I'm still trying to stay in the game. I've actually emailed two guys who have both emailed back. So we'll see.

LL

Hi LL!!

You know, for someone who just a few weeks ago was thinking that she would be alone forever, you sure are having a lot of dates. I guess large breasts are overrated!! Congratulations!

Personally I think he just wanted a sexual partner, but whatever, be authentic LL, and you will only scare off males who don't "fit". I had a very similar experience a while back, couple weeks, lot of chemistry, seemed like a good fit, and boom it ended...cause I "think" too much...laugh... her loss..but for the best, cause I was just being me, and had no regrets didn't work for her. However, I have given this some thought, and probably we all should have some notion of balance initially when making a new friend. Is a very fragile time, much misunderstanding possible, so yeah...one should strike a balance between excessive analyzing, revealing, enthusiasm, physical touch, etc. whatever we are, tone it back a little and be observant, have some fun, and start to "feel" (no not that kinda feel... :eyesroll:) each other out as to style, character, temperament etc. And increase openess and honesty in a more controlled fashion so as not to overload someone with "us" (and vice versa)...maybe the ability to "pace" is a good thing we should all look for in ourselves and others. Denotes a healthy individual.

re the chemisty thing. IMO is vastly over-emphasized in initial stages...has nothing to do with the more important issues of character, temperament, history, intelligence...etc. Needs to be "some" I suppose, but should not play a big role in dating or not dating someone for the first few rounds. Maybe there is 2 kinds of chemistry...the initial raw kind that is really about noting more than sex (procreation, my dna wants your dna), and says little about actual fit, and a more complex chemistry that arises out of discerning "fit", a sharing of similar temperaments, ethics, morals, goals, recreational likes and such...then the physical chemistry (which will usally start developing) is a much richer kind.

Aslan,

As for your "overrated" comment, that remains to be seen on the long term. So far it doesn't seem to be an issue with the people I've seen, as all of them were willing to see me again, if I wanted to. But then again, I'm not going out in a swimsuit or anything with them yet, so who knows what someone might decide if they saw a little more of me. I'll try and stay optimistic, though.

Knight,


As I think Guy #1 through, I think this was probably the situation for both of us, not necessarily that we had landing in bed as our goal (can't speak for him) but that there were definitely some physical sparks. I have never experienced that kind of thing quite as strong so quickly as I did with him. In my dating others (mainly as a teen), it took time for me to really feel close and attracted to people. So again, a little disappointing now because like a drug that's not good for someone, it did feel really great, and I would have liked to have felt it for a little longer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LL

I haven't checked in on my own thread for a few days. Thought I'd update...

First, I'm feeling better and better about Guy #1 and I parting ways. At least I think we have. His final email was a little vague and I believe he is supposed to be out of town this week, but I don't have high hopes of hearing from him again. And actually, I'm feeling okay with that. I was having an issue with his 2x married thing from the beginning, and maybe it was because other vibes were there saying he had some issues. Granted, he was hot and it was some pretty strong chemistry, but I don't think there would have been anything beyond it.

Now the problem becomes Guy #2--the one who doesn't share my beliefs, and the one I debate with. We've been out 4 times now. He really is a fun guy! I feel much more comfortable around him, I think in part because we have debated some pretty sensitive issues, and although he may disagree with my views, he's never made me feel like my views are stupid, nor has he gotten angry.

He was one I didn't feel initial chemistry for. Not that I was turned off, but I just wasn't turned on either. So, we're up to date #4 tonight--actually hadn't planned on anything tonight. But he got back from camping early and called wanting to know if I wanted to do something. "Something" ended up being me bringing him some fresh basil from my garden and him using it and some stuff he had to fix us dinner.

And then we watched Tarzan (the cartoon Disney movie). Now one wouldn't think that'd be the ideal "date" movie for necking, but apparently I was incorrect. (The disney thing is because he knows I like disney movies, and I simply hadn't seen that one yet--can't say I want to see it again either).

In summary: I am going to REALLY have to define my boundaries. I got caught sort of in a "what are my boundaries, anyway?" prediciment. I know what the big one is, but I need to define the littler ones, too. (Because he's the one who admitted from day one when we discussed it, that he didn't necessarily share my views.)

So...my statement for tonight after being at his place from 8pm to 2am... Initial chemical attraction and physical attractiveness is vastly overrated. After about 4 hours of off-and-on practice, this guy has turned out to not only be a fun guy but a very good kisser! (It's that "mouth" thing of mine again.)

The issue now--I think he's really wanting to move to get serious (based on a couple statements he made--no, he didn't say the word "exclusive" or anything like that yet) and I'm not wanting to commit right now. I told him I'm not ready to get serious yet.

(Didn't tell him this.) There is another person I've been emailing (another of those longer-distance things) who seems really interesting, and comes closer to my beliefs, and I'd like the opportunity to at least meet him.

But Guy #2 and I will most likely go out again. He's figured out a couple more things to do in the next week or so that sound fun. And I promised I'd go dancing with him at least once, provided he doesn't laugh at me.

LL

Good on you! It's great to see how well you are doing post-D! I only hope to follow in your footsteps.

Just know your boundaries and let your date(s) know them at appropriate times...you'll be fine.

Was there ANY sort of attraction with #2? I can't imagine that someone you initially thought was not "hot" turns out to be after getting to know him. Was there ANY physical "wow" factor on your part when you met? I am curious! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

WNB

WNB,

Boundaries--I really need you guys to keep me on track! (Maybe there is something to be said for not doing anything more than holding hands until marriage--it sure would be a lot easier to stay out of trouble! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

As for your attraction question, I hate to admit this but I found I have been as guilty as most men in making that "could I or couldn't I with him?" determination at the first meeting with each of the guys I've met. That's bad to admit, considering I started out to be just meeting people and I still fully intend to adhere to my boundary. But it's true.

With that said, I've met 4 guys now since I started this little adventure. Two of them I had decided about 60 seconds after meeting "No, I could not with him.".

Guy #1--I can still remember him walking in the door at Barnes & Noble that first night and me seeing him and him seeing me, and seeing him smile and his eyes light up (and my jaw probably about hit the ground). He had it all--the eyes, the smile, the sort of a casual "roughish" look, the soft, deep voice. Uh, yeah, definite "wow factor! But like I said, I think that overshadowed the other issues which then started to come to light.

Guy #2--last night's guy. He fell into the "yes, I could" category upon meeting, but just isn't an especially attractive guy. He's very average looking, blue eyes, red hair (what little he has, because he buzzes it), Irish. He does have very nice arms and he's very athletic. But had he not have had the personality he has, we wouldn't have been in the situation we were in last night--the initial physical attraction alone wasn't huge in the beginning.

But he has the right personality...confident/driven. And he knows how to let a woman know he's interested. That is, at least for me, a huge part of the "wow" factor.

Hope that answers the question.

LL

I am REALLY guilty of doing that with all women I initially meet...it's not that I am pursuing them, it's a "is she hot?" that's made pretty quickly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

STBXW was probably considered average looking, but she (used to) really trip my "Wow" trigger for some intangible reason. There have been other women in my past that have done this and other guys look at me like I am nuts. To each their own...

I think that when I start dating again, she'll have to meet the "standard" of being "hot" to me. That is not to say that all men would think that, but she only needs to look hot to me.

WRT to the pre-marital boundaries, you have to define them...what is considered "sex"? 1st base, 2nd base, 3rd base?

Once you know how far you want to go until M'ed again, the tough part is going to be keeping them.

We have all made rational decisions, but once we are in the "throes" (even if it's necking), those decisions become a little hard to keep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

As long as you and Guy#2 know what is and is not acceptable WRT to your pre-marital "activities" there shouldn't be a problem.

WRT your religious beliefs and your desire to find someone of a like faith, I would say this...I am an agnostic, but should any lady I become involved with be a religious lady, I will acitvely support her faith (go to church functions etc.) even though I will not convert. I think being supportive of each other's faith (or lack thereof)is more important than having similar beliefs, as long as he/she is MORALLY grounded. Does that make sense?

I am so encouraged by you! You have really come out of your shell! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

That being said, I have been living alone for three months now and, once this D is done in Nov/Dec, I think I will be ready, having spent 8 months living alone. I don't mind being at home alone nearly as much as I did the first month (which was very tough).

I am OK with being alone, but I prefer to share Life's ups and down with someone.

WNB