I am posting this in several places, because I really need answers. Brief update - we were married for 18 yrs. and together for 20. He is 40 and I am 44. We have 16 yr-old daughter. He is also an alcoholic, one who tries to quit on his own, but always seems to fall off the wagon. It was the same MLC stories - not sure I'm in love, need time, we're pulling apart - later, find out the OW is his secretary same age as he is. Both my D and I are going to counseling separately. My D is glad her dad is gone because he was very controlling and would not let her do normal teenage things. I always felt like I was put in the middle of the two of them because I wanted their relationship to be a good one. My D's counselor has told me I need to not involve my D in anyway, so I had to begin communicating again with H (we had not talked in over 3 wks. because I refused after learning about OW). The reason I did call him was because I wanted to tell him I did not want OW around my D when he picked her up yesterday to go shopping. He agreed and of course, we talked for 45 mins. about a lot of things. It sounded like OW was soon going to be out of picture and that I just had to give it a little time, and wait and see what would happen. It said he understood how angry and hurt I was and I had every right to be. He thanked me for calling and talking, and said I could call anytime. He even said he is going to come around our house again and do things such as fix pool pump, weedeat, etc., but he couldn't come until he talked with me because since I changed the locks on the house, he knew I didn't want him around. He even mentioned the fact that when I dropped off the rest of his clothes in trashbags on his porch - he thought it was funny because it was at a time it was going to rain. I told him I didn't do that purposely, but that I thought about burning everything. He giggled and said "that is what I used to like about you". After talking with my counselor yesterday and telling her everything, she has told me there is nothing wrong with trying to call him and saving my marriage. She now has me reading Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue". I would do anything to have my H back because I do love him and I know that will never change. She told me whenever I call, try to be upbeat and only ask things like how his day or week is going, tell him I miss him and am lonely, things like that - not to mention "why are you doing this, and other questions with why". I would like any other suggestions of how to handle this and if anyone else has done this? I was thinking about calling him maybe tomorrow to wish him Happy Father's Day and ask if he would like to go out one evening. Maybe if I make the first move - suggestions? In the meantime, I am still trying to go on with my life. Tonight, I am going out with a girlfriend. Thanks for any help anyone can give me.

Where is he in his addiction ?. I suggest you & D to start attending Alanon.

The key in here is avoiding enablement yet at the same time avoiding abandonemnt. You are the only one could answer this question.

Read "plan A/B" even this would not apply to your WH ... you need "tough love".

-rh-

Welcome to MB. Sorry you need to be here.

Whenever I read a new story, I try to find the question being asked... and with you ... it was a pretty small question. So I surmise you are here mostly for support.


Is your daughter going to call him herself and wish her Dad happy Father's Day?

Here's my suggestion .... if you decide to call your H, ask him if he'd like to call your daughter, and ask HER out on a date ... just the 2 of them. You can phrase this in a way that makes it seem like it was his idea.

"I used to love it when my Dad would take me out on a date around Father's Day. It made me feel so adored by him. You know, (name of your DD) would be so lucky to get some alone time with her Daddy. I think if you wanted to, you could convince her to go out on a father-daughter date."

I think this is a pretty good plan A strategy. Lets him know you value him as your daughter's FATHER ... the OW has no such connection.

This might be a love-bank deposit as well as a gift for your DD.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am sure my D will call her dad for father's day. They did visit yesterday. I am trying to avoid putting her into any of my decisions and not ask her any questions. She would be angry if she knew I was even thinking about trying to get him back. I have gone to Alanon meetings and have lived with the alcoholism for all these years - that part I can handle or so I thought. I'm sure that does have a lot to do with our other problems (such as sexual, etc.). Now, I have all of these new problems, MLC, OW and infidelity. I am just sooo confused. I get advice from my counselor, different suggestions here and other forums, my family feels one way - I just know right now I am miserable and I do love my H. He is all I can think about.

You know, at the beginning of all this I blamed early MLC for my husband's irratic behavior, now I'm not convinced it definitely exists. I think it's an excuse for bad behavior....and believe me, I've made my share of excuses for my FWH's bad behavior, as well as my own.

-Caren

This is your obsession.
This is your contribution to the family's disease of alcoholism.
This is your sickness.
You mistake obsession for love.
Love and obsession are ~not~ one in the same.
You know that already from Al Anon.
Practice loving detatchment.

God grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change ... The courage to change the things I can ... And the wisdom to know the difference.

Surrender the outcome to your Higher Power. This stops the obsessing.

((( hugs )))

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep called it right on the money. It is about you. Deep down I do beleive you know what to do ... you seek answer from different people to validate on what you want to do and not what you should do.

-rh-