OK,

I've been reading a lot of information and comments on this forum and I haven't confronted the OW yet. She knows that I know about the A. I am wondering if confronting her will accomplish anything for me. What do I gain if I contact/confront her? She is single and does not work with H.

What is your story, txmama?

I am on a short tour overseas. H met OW on the internet in a chat room last summer. Started out as innocent he says. He introduced her and all the chat room people to me last Oct when I came home for mid tour. He started PA with her in Jan. I found out about A in Mar. He said he broke it off with her right after. Chat room sent me pics of them together at parties after he broke it off.

I came home three weeks ago for my oldest's graduation. He said he had no contact with her, but he had calls and text messages from her while I was there. He said he was ignoring them. I also found a card she gave him for Valentine's day in our room. I was almost believing him that he had cut all contact and wanted to make a go at reconciling. A small voice in my head didn't believe him because he said he couldn't change his cell or email account.

I checked our cell phone records and found out they've been texting and calling each other daily for over three months. I'm angry and hurt right now.

Does calling her and confronting her help or hurt me worse? I'm back overseas for seven more weeks and then I'm home for good.

The problem is with him, not her, so I would start there. I would place the onus of ending contact on your H. Ask him to send her a no contact letter [samples enclosed in link] and tell him that you understand that contact would have ended if he had not encouraged this. Obviously she is not going to continue contacting him if he ignores her calls, so that is a lie that he has not been responding.

Who is this OW? Is she married?

no contact letters

Are you saving all this evidence of their affair? Its too bad you don't have spyware on his computer.

Where in Texas are you from? I am in Longview.

The OW is a single 27 y/0 woman. H is 43. I mentioned the no contact letter when I was home, but he said it wasn't necessary. I know it is more an EA than a PA at this point.

We went to MC twice while I was home and couldn't get any additional ones scheduled while I was there. H swore to the MC that he wasn't addicted. H is now trying to convince me again (this was the third time he said he cut all contact with her) that he wants to make the marraige work. I'm at the point that I don't trust him or believe him anymore. He's done nothing but lie to me. He even said that he wouldn't have had A if I hadn't gone on a short tour overseas.

I feel that contacting her won't do anything for me other than make my hurt worse.

I live on the outskirts of San Antonio. I wasn't going to make him move out of the house until this last incident. My parents are now living in my house and taking care of the kids.

I would approach him about ending contact with her and let him know that any contact AT ALL is a continuation of the affair that impedes any marital recovery. Ask for the no contact letter again and see his response. Put the onus on him. Let him know that you know that contact is continuing because he is allowing it to.

An affair is an affair, whether it is a PA or an EA; it should not be viewed any differently.

The only time it is a good idea to contact the OP is when you think the WS is lying to them and the truth would end the affair. I contacted the OW in my H's affair and she ended the affair THAT DAY. She was under the impression that we were seperated and getting a divorce.


There is probably alot of truth in this statement, so I would take it very seriously. He is 100% responsible for his affair, though. You are 50% responsible for the state of the marriage, though, and long term seperations are harmful to most marriages.

How long have you been married? Any kids? Has he had an affair before?

Did you kick him out?

Going on a short tour wasn't an option. It is a reality in today's military. I couldn't bring my family as they wouldn't medically clear one of the kids.

We've been married 9+ years and have three kids. Two from my first marriage and one together. H claims this is his first and only A. He said he would send OW the no contact leter and CC me.

txmama, I understand that your tour wasn't an option, but I would take a hard look at your career path if it is going to cause this much harm to your marriage. Again, I am not saying you are in any way responsible for this affair, but long term seperations are very harmful to a marriage and can set the stage for affairs.

I think it is a good sign that he agreed to send the no contact letter. That will ensure that she is not under some illusion that y'all have seperated or are divorcing. Often the WS will lie to the OP about this.

I would also ask him what he plans on doing if she continues calling. I just don't believe she has continued with these calls and pages unless he is responding in some way, do you? If he ignored them, I suspect they would stop fairly quickly.

Did you kick him out? Would he come home if you let him?

I'm almost at the end of my career. This short tour was my first and last. I retire in three years and won't have to do another again.

I did make him move out 01 Jun. I made that decision because I wanted for him to take the time to figure out what he wanted without the pressure of taking care of kids and a house.

I've asked him when he was going to send the no contact letter.

txmama, can I suggest that you have him move back in ASAP? Kicking him out was a huge strategic mistake, because often it is simply throwing the WS into the arms of the OP. Moving out does nothing but make it harder to recover your marriage and greatly increases your chances of divorce.

It gives him the freedom to carry on his affair unimpeded and also gives him a justification because he feels punished. This adds to his sense of entitlement to an affair. He NEEDS to feel the pressure of taking care of the kids and a house, that is REALITY and he should not be protected from it or rewarded for having an affair.

Does he even want to come home?

I don't know if I agree with you. He understood that there were consequences to his inability to end the A. I find myself having to constantly defend myself because I needed him to move out so that (1) my kids would have a competent and attentive adult in the house to manage things since it hasn't been happening since I left and (2) He still needs to figure out what he wants out of life.

I know it was not my fault that he had the affair. The distance had a factor but it was not the major factor that caused it. It was him and his issues. I feel like I'm being attacked and that I'm supposed to roll over and let him continue to lie to me about the A and his contact w/her.

Why do I have to be the submissive spouse and continue to wait for him to grow up and face reality???>

Txmama,
I am so sorry you find yourself here. I too live in SA and there is a kind of secondhand military connection to my sitch. My WW decided she needed to move out to figure out her feelings and get some space at the same time her girlfriend's husband was deployed to Qatar. It was amazing that her need to do this happened all at the same time.
Anyway, I am sure the vets on this site will urge you to Plan A your butt off for right now. I totally understand your desire to try and isolate you and your kiddoes from this crapola as it makes your rollercoaster a little less pronounced. If I made any mistakes in this process, it is that I possibly went to Plan B too quickly. But, I figured it didnt matter since she had already moved out and I caught her spending the night at OM's house. Plan A is very difficult at best if the WS is not living in the same house. Getting him to move back might make it easier for this part of your effort to work. Hopefully some of the more experienced MB'ers will elaborate further on this. Anyway, my prayers are with you. Keep your chin up and know that God can use our trials and tribulations to refine us and improve us.



"you gotta have good imagination,
if you are gonna live a life of hope."
Jack Ingram

txmama, you don't have to do anything. I thought you wanted to save your marriage? Well, if you want to do that, then I am suggesting that you not throw him into the arms of the OW by kicking him out. I am suggesting that you not make it SO EASY for him to carry on his affair. I am suggesting that you not help him AVOID reality by removing his family pressures from him and making it easier for him to carry on the affair. A seperation only increases your chances of divorce and makes it almost impossible to work on the marriage.

Your actions so far have ENABLED the affair, not helped to end it. Your actions do nothing to motivate him to end the affair.

In short, moving out does not help him face reality. Nor does it help him "figure out what he wants out of life." It only enables him to carry on his affair.

Now, I have not attacked you; I am trying to help you, txmama. But if you don't like my suggestions, I will quit posting to you. Just say the word and I will move on.

Let me elaborate on what is happening with your H. See, in order for him to be at the stage where he could have an affair, he would have had to already be detached and disenchanted in your marriage. So, when you throw out a WS, it is usually a RELIEF.

If they were very emotionally vested in the marriage in the first place, they would not have had the affair. So, throwing them out when they are in this mental stage does not motivate them to work on the marriage, just the opposite because they view it as a punishment. They respond by going to the place where they are welcomed with open arms: the OP. That is why throwing them out is tantamount to throwing him into the arms of the OW.

Throwing him out helps the OW, not you, not the marriage.

MB takes a different approach. They have found that it is much more effective to try to resolve the problems in the marriage that pushed the WS away in the first place and attracting him back into the fold. By attracting the WS back into the marriage by meeting the needs the OW has been meeting, it makes the WS WANT the marriage, rather than the affair.

Now, that is the first step of a strategic approach. If this step, called Plan A, does not work to end the affair, then we are onto Plan B, which IS seperation. However, it is much more effective at this stage because in Plan A you have given him a glimpse of how good your marriage can be so he actually MISSES you when he leaves. But, if you boot him before you have done Plan A, it is only a relief to move. And it usually serves as an opportunity to see the OP without interference.

Does that make more sense?