Well, Plan A seems to be working...... Stayed up late with WH last night. Conversation seems to be one of the EN that he had been missing. He was distraught and sick over OW's "abusive" husband. SO I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. I let him tell me what he wanted about what he knew of the situation. I can't believe I calmly listened to him, but it wasn't too difficult. I decided that I couldn't change the way he was feeling and as BobPure put it I couldn't lose him any more than I have. I thought that perhaps if I listened to him it might help him. I felt closer to him than I have in a long time & after we held each other during the night.

More of Plan A today --- we went bowling with our little one & had a fun time! I am a little bit disappointed with myself though as after we got home we hid away in the bedroom and.....I must say I enjoyed it.

WH has been attentive today & good to be around. I just hope that I don't regret it tomorrow. There has been NC today!

Kim

WELL DONE ! Keep it up kim ! Some days you won't get such a useful response from WH, but persist anyway !

You are EXACTLY RIGHT NOT to tell your WH how HE feels.

Use I, Me, I feel, language.

"I feel OW should take action with teh proper authoristies f she fears abuse from her BH and staying away from her for ever is a great way to stop making the situation worse"

BTW Kim, did you expose the affair to OWs BH ?

Hi Bob.

So yesterday was terrible. I think I back tracked as I told WH that I thought OW was playing him. I told him that DS and I were his responsiblity, not OW. I told him that she needed to find another point of contact, the he was not her knight in shining armor. I told him there needs to be NC that every time he has contact it's like starting all over again. I think I screwed up.

I posted on General questions what happened yesterday. How much longer can I be so supportive?

He did reach out and hold my hand yesterday and hugged me. He also came up to give me a goodnight's kiss last night. But somehow that does not make me feel better.

K

Kim

Its not about being supportive. You must learn to use teh right language to yourself to keep your spirits up.

You are no more 'supportig' WH in his wayward behaviour than an Allied spy in WW2 was supporting teh Nazis by posing as one.

Your three jobs are all related :

1. Getting yourself strong
2. Running your family while yoru WH has a head/[censored] interlock problem
3. End your WHs affair.

You're not 'being supportive' of WH, you are being a lighthouse to show the path back to a non-judgmental, loving place where if his attitude is right you will work with him to regain his pride, his soul and your love.

You need to learn and PERSISTENTLY apply some very uninstinctive behaviours Kim, not to kiss WHs [censored] but becaus ethey have worked time and time again in stopping affairs and starting the restoration of a loving marriage.

You must learn to detach - not take the Bull personally. Learn to reverse babble from Orchid to appear understanding while actually getting a real point accross through his fog.

You have to learn not to speak stridently about the obvious sins he commits. NOT because you wnat to 'support him' but because such is proven to help stop affairs and restart a broken marriage.

Exposing is TERRIFYING. I know , I did it and OM was a european karate champion involved in the criminal world. You don;t do it because you'r epunishing yoru WH you do it becaise its proven to help end affair in many many cases.

See Kim ?

Go see your Doc today and get A-ds to get level headed. Then work thee program and save your anger for vents on these boards. Study : Harleys book and this site & boards.

You can do this. Its hard, but hey - If I can do it, ANYBODY can !!
{{{{kim}}}}

Keep up the good work Kim. I am currently in about the same spot you are. I had to let my wife borrow my phone so she could call OM to check on him. His sister had tried to commit suicide because she was (here comes the irony) was cheating on her husband.

I lost control a bit later that evening and told my wife to never call him again. It does not work. I am figuring out how to stay calm and let her come back to me. It is getting easier, but sometimes I just have to go away for a little bit and collect myself before I make a stupid mistake. You are doing good.

Congratulations, Kim! I haven't seen any of your other threads, but I just wanted to tell you that you are doing great. I remember the night I let WS talk about OW. It actually reestablished our emotional intimacy. Sounds counter-intuitive, but that is Plan A. At that point, I had decided to just be his friend. I had no hope for our M, but I knew I would have to deal with this man for the next 18 years because of our daughter. I wanted us to be on good terms for her sake.

Never talk badly about OW. Even when WS had his doubts about her, I just said what I honestly felt without criticizing her. He has a brain, he can do that all by himself.

One thing I learned through Plan A is OW is not perfect. She will LB and WS will realize that she is not his soulmate. You just have to be patient. I know it's hard, but Plan A works!

Unfortunately, we need to understand that our WS' are going through hell. They know they are not doing the right thing, but they are buried in fog. Listen to Bob Pure. We have to be the beacon of light. We are the calm port in his stormy life. Let OW make the demands. Let OW be worried and stressed. Let OW show her true stripes.

Hang in there! Have you heard of Retrouvaille? Are you going to an MC?

Hi -

Just saw the above two posts!! Plan A does present such a challenge! Thanks for your comments and encouragement to both of you.

I have a counseling session tomorrow, individual. WH went on Tuesday.

WH & I had a nice talk this evening. Said he was sorry that he betrayed me & DS. He didn't want to keep hurting me. Said at one point he was 100% sure he wanted to leave me. Now he is NOT 100% sure.

Instead of saying "I think I'm in Love with Her" he said "I have feelings for her"

Still trying to protect her from Abusive H. Not sure what he thinks he will do.....

Hey, Don't Know Much, Baby steps are progress at this point, right?

Where is BobPure lately anyway?? Hi to you Bob!!!

Kim
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 5
Still working on No Contact

I'm here Kim, reading, praying, watching you grow stronger.

This was a 'big stride forward' day. You will have bad days too. But with your self control and bravery teh direction will always be onward.

You need to expose to OWs husband Kimberly. Your WH's broken control circuit will not allow him to NC by himself especially while all this "abusive OW BH" stuff is in teh air.

Thats gonna be hard, as infidels hate exposure above all things. But I can't remember a recovery from an ACTIVE affair where exposure did not happen.

{{{{kim}}}}

I am growing stronger! I am not posting as much, but am here reading and learning. Praying more everyday. I learn so much from the advice that everyone is providing to all of BS's here.

Bob, I struggle with exposure everyday. I understand and realize that it is a step that needs to be taken. I pray about it daily.

My only way of exposure at this point is to go to their house personally and deliver a letter. I thought that OW wouldn't be there on Saturday mornings, but now I am not 100%.

: ) Thanks for the hug!

Kim

Kim
You have to expose. Sooner is more effective than later.

Theres always rationale not to expose. In my case I found proof of affair two days before OM buried his 21 year old estranged son....but I was STILL right to do it.

OM was planning a road trip with OM with this funeral as an excuse....

Just do it...