It’s been a year since I joined Marriage Builders. So much has changed in that time. The marriage I fought for ended. The xW? Engaged to the OM. In fact, they are spending this Father’s day with my kids in Jamaica. Me? I’ve struggled against depression. I’ve lost my job and am weeks from a total financial collapse. The rollercoaster stopped, but the drama continues. The affairs and divorce are so destructive that I could scarcely fathom the impact a year ago.

I have, however, grown to understand a few major lessons I’d like to share:

Stand for your beliefs. Regardless of the consequences you have to look at yourself in the mirror. Stand for your marriage, if you choose. Do not compromise against your values (e.g. ‘allowing’ S to eat cake). Plan A can save many marriages, but Plan B works for your protection.

People around you will change. That supportive neighbor on d-day may become ‘tired’ of your ‘issues’. Your married friends may distance themselves from you so as not to ‘catch’ whatever threatens your union. Family members may suddenly express opinions about you, your spouse or marriage heretofore unmentioned. The reason? People have no idea how profound an A or a Dv can impact a family. Plus must people can’t stand to see those the love in pain. They would want nothing less than to see you move on. When you don’t meet their preconceived timelines they often change their supportive behaviors.

Your transitions and or commitments will be met with skepticism or derision. Your Plan A? ‘You’re letting your S walk all over you.’ Your Plan B? ‘You’re a bitter, sore loser’. Why? More ignorance and fear. Folks fear what they don’t understand and you at MB are so much more committed and knowledgeable about how love and marriage works than most. Prepare to be misunderstood, then keep working on you. Don’t fret it. Do what you feel and know is right for you.

Leave the thing that leaves you. I still love my xW. Very much. She however does not respect me. To respect a thing is to recognize and treat it for its true nature and purpose. She could not see me as a partner a lover or confidant. She therefore could not treat me accordingly. She had to go. I, then, have to let the dream of that partnership go. I (and you) deserve and require that respect from our life partners. I remain open to any relationship that can meet that requirement. To do less is to not respect myself. And who wants someone who can’t respect himself?

Healing is long. Healing is hard. When Steve Harley told me last year that it would take at least two years for me to heal and for my xW’s fog to lift (if ever) I scoffed. No way would I be in pain for two years. Well. I’m not in the agony I was last year, but I still miss my family. I can’t seem to develop any attachments that would lead to a partnership (don’t really want to), and I’m still reeling financially from the divorce. My xW is so deeply ensconced in her “relationship” that she may not leave the fog until her next divorce. Right now two years seems conservative. Folks, even marital recovery takes time. Don’t rush it.

Faith works. I sit here on Father’s day betrayed, alone, unemployed and broke. I still believe, however, that things get better. Interviews are going well, my children love me, and I have the chance to build a new life based on what I want. What happens may not be what I expect, but I have Faith that it will be better than what I had.

I’m grateful to so many on this board who have taught so much. Your support and input often was the only thing keeping me going early on. This is such a good place! I hope all of our stories have deservedly happy endings. What thoughts do other longtime members have about how to get through and back to happy?

Hi there. There's such sadness in your words but with a tinge of optimism. I hope you continue in your personal recovery and get stronger each day. TT

Sure it's sad but not growing would be sadder...I do get stronger each day as do all who go this ordeal. The more we know and the more we let go, the more we grow...

DL,

I remember your struggles and you know what? I consider you one of MB success'. Why? Because as you posted above, what you have come to learn through this mess is valuable.

I am quite proud to see that you can still see light despite the fog. IMHO, your Xw's fog continues and the crash will happen in a matter of time. You though will continue to grow and even at the deepest depths of despair your personal recovery shows that no WS can keep a BS down if the BS realizes they (the BS) are a valuable person.

I appreciate your comments. They are a somber reminder to what it takes to survive.

All the best,
L.

dlc:

I'm sorry 2 hear that things haven't improved by now, but delighted 2 hear that you have confidence that they will.

Your whole life changed, and not by your choice. That's very hard 2 deal with and move forward.

Keep coming back here. We all care how you're doing!

-ol' 2long

Thanks guys! Things WILL improve. They HAVE to. Simple as that. I just got home from four hours of interviews and I find myself a finalist in 3 (THREE!) jobs, all of which pay more than the fiends (or fRiends?) that fired me.

It's tough not having a partner to share this with, but I'd rather not have a WW in my home sucking away my energy while I plot a new life course. Though I'm still hurting, I know that pain does not last.

It's encouraging that folks like Orchid and 2long see my journey as a positive one. They have help me more than they know. I hope we can all continue to 'pay it forward'.

Congratulations on the job prospects! I've been following your story for the last 6 months or so. You've had a rough year. But it really looks like you've turned the corner.
I wish you much happiness and success! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well time does help with healing--if you are willing to work the principles that help with healing. I often wonder what those who have been going thru this for years have to hold on to. (2long comes to mind). These things change you. We must choose if it will be for the better.

Any other thoughts/lessons you vets can share?

dlc:

I'll let you know when I've finished my lessons!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long