It’s been a year since I joined Marriage Builders. So much has changed in that time. The marriage I fought for ended. The xW? Engaged to the OM. In fact, they are spending this Father’s day with my kids in Jamaica. Me? I’ve struggled against depression. I’ve lost my job and am weeks from a total financial collapse. The rollercoaster stopped, but the drama continues. The affairs and divorce are so destructive that I could scarcely fathom the impact a year ago.

I have, however, grown to understand a few major lessons I’d like to share:

Stand for your beliefs. Regardless of the consequences you have to look at yourself in the mirror. Stand for your marriage, if you choose. Do not compromise against your values (e.g. ‘allowing’ S to eat cake). Plan A can save many marriages, but Plan B works for your protection.

People around you will change. That supportive neighbor on d-day may become ‘tired’ of your ‘issues’. Your married friends may distance themselves from you so as not to ‘catch’ whatever threatens your union. Family members may suddenly express opinions about you, your spouse or marriage heretofore unmentioned. The reason? People have no idea how profound an A or a Dv can impact a family. Plus must people can’t stand to see those the love in pain. They would want nothing less than to see you move on. When you don’t meet their preconceived timelines they often change their supportive behaviors.

Your transitions and or commitments will be met with skepticism or derision. Your Plan A? ‘You’re letting your S walk all over you.’ Your Plan B? ‘You’re a bitter, sore loser’. Why? More ignorance and fear. Folks fear what they don’t understand and you at MB are so much more committed and knowledgeable about how love and marriage works than most. Prepare to be misunderstood, then keep working on you. Don’t fret it. Do what you feel and know is right for you.

Leave the thing that leaves you. I still love my xW. Very much. She however does not respect me. To respect a thing is to recognize and treat it for its true nature and purpose. She could not see me as a partner a lover or confidant. She therefore could not treat me accordingly. She had to go. I, then, have to let the dream of that partnership go. I (and you) deserve and require that respect from our life partners. I remain open to any relationship that can meet that requirement. To do less is to not respect myself. And who wants someone who can’t respect himself?

Healing is long. Healing is hard. When Steve Harley told me last year that it would take at least two years for me to heal and for my xW’s fog to lift (if ever) I scoffed. No way would I be in pain for two years. Well. I’m not in the agony I was last year, but I still miss my family. I can’t seem to develop any attachments that would lead to a partnership (don’t really want to), and I’m still reeling financially from the divorce. My xW is so deeply ensconced in her “relationship” that she may not leave the fog until her next divorce. Right now two years seems conservative. Folks, even marital recovery takes time. Don’t rush it.

Faith works. I sit here on Father’s day betrayed, alone, unemployed and broke. I still believe, however, that things get better. Interviews are going well, my children love me, and I have the chance to build a new life based on what I want. What happens may not be what I expect, but I have Faith that it will be better than what I had.

I’m grateful to so many on this board who have taught so much. Your support and input often was the only thing keeping me going early on. This is such a good place! I hope all of our stories have deservedly happy endings. What thoughts do other longtime members have about how to get through and back to happy?

dleightonc,

Your story brought tears (of recognition) to my eyes. Especially the part about other people around you changing. Did you feel abandoned by your friends? I know I sometimes do.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom. I'm sorry it's been such a painful road for you. My D-Day (the first one) is coming up next month - it will be two years since the bottom dropped out, we glued it back in, the glue didn't hold.

I think it is good for all of us to reflect on the road we've been on and what we've learned from it.

So, what can I add to your list of lessons? Take care of yourself, don't be too hard on yourself. A lesson I know, but have to remind myself of daily.

dleightonc,
What a great insightful list - thanks for sharing.

Thanks. What other insights can any of you add?

dleightonc,

I couldn't agree with your post more.

I think I have learned the same things as you with the addition of:

1) It takes a lot of time to heal. You will continue to have good days and bad days...and there will continue to be triggers...and that is normal.

2) You will get stronger again. Maybe not in the way that you were, but you will know what you want out of a relationship and what you won't put up with anymore.

3) Divorce affects so many of your relationships; your friends, neighbors, kids, relatives. It is tough to realize that everything changes.

4)Realize that you can only change yourself....and you can't change people's perceptions of you and what you have gone through.

Best wishes to those who are going through this devastating life occurance. Be strong.....Pat

1. Learned new things about self and relationships. In other words, folks who are introspective were/are in familiar territory; but those who aren't, might need to change.

2. Took up reading - a different kind of reading than before. Took up writing (journaling or online discourse like this site). These were new, and may even become ongoing, pasttimes.

3. Recovered self-esteem - not an easy task. Still in progress for me. It's hard to not take things personally. It's hard to feel attractive after being rejected AND also after seeing the signs of aging that occurred during the relationship.

4. At the same time (present tense because this is a present tense thing for me) - find a balance between taking personal responsibility for what happened, and not beating oneself up for failures of the other person. It can't be all about the other person, but it can't be all your fault either.