Hello.

I'm looking to sound off and maybe get some advice or words of wisdom from those who've been there before. Bear with me as I roll out my story.

I came to this board several years ago. My marriage was in trouble and my wife was having an affair with a coworker of hers. After a lot of hard work with a counselor, we reconciled.
Two years later we had our first child.

Several months after her birth, she and I started having trouble getting along. She was perhaps suffering something from the post-partum and I wasn't coping with the changes as well as I needed to. Things were rough. We argued a lot and neither of us were good in the way we handled that anger.

After a while I began to suspect that something might be going on again. I snooped and I discovered a couple of "almosts". VERY suggestive flirting with someone we met at a party. Talk of meeting up, but it didn't seem like that every happened. There was also talk with another coworker about what it would be like to be something to one another. He was married...but things were going sour for him...his wife recently left him for a mutual friend of theirs...they are in the process of divorce right now.

Instead of confronting her right away...I watched this for a little while...hoping she would stick to not making the same mistake that happened before. I think this was wrong of me to do. I became even more distant and that probably drove her away even more. Eventually I confronted her. She was angry at the snooping and insistant that nothing was going on and that nothing would ever go on. She was just craving attention, but would never do anything because of what we learned from the last affair. I couldn't resolve this situation in my mind. We became more distant and talk of divorce came up.

Finally, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt...and make an effort to restore things. See if we could get along again. She seemed to welcome this. I never thought her joy more genuine.

We never tackled the big issues, though. I knew we would have to and she did ask about it from time to time. But I wasn't ready or it was just too hard...whatever, we didn't.

We've been in this "state" for 5+ months. In the last week or two things seemed odd to me. Things similar to the last time she had an affair. Torn, but knowing that I had to know, I snooped...for one day...apparently THE day.

I confronted her that night. She was having an affair with the coworker I caught her emailing with that was having the marital trouble. It was worse than I thought. They had an emotional and physical affair. Most of which started a month after we started trying to get back together.

She says its over...and it may be. She says she wants to make things right. I told her I can't think of anything right now that could be done to do that.

Now what? Do we separate and how? Is their any reason to hope or try to? I'm a mess of emotion. I think there is nothing...but after all the investment of emotion, time and our child...I don't want to be rash in judgement. But with this kind of betrayal, and it being a second time, its hard to see any kind of hope.

Not sure if anyone out there has any thoughts. Or has been trough a 2nd+ time situation that worked or didn't work.

The only thing I can suggest is to find a good MC or pastor, and get help.

In my opinion, your wife will continue this behavior until she understands why she is doing this. She is seeking out A's for a reason which may or may not have to do with your marriage.

Get counseling. Get to the root. Maybe things will improve. Counseling is what saved our marriage, but it does not take away from the pain or damage that is done. It has only given me some assurance that my H understands what he was seeking and is willing to cope with that in a better manner.

If she isnt' willing to do counseling, then I think it is fair to seperate.

Good luck
2

Counseling while involved in an affair is not only a waste of time and money but can be dangerous to a marriage as well. Why? Because if your W is still involved with the OM [other man], her heart and sould will not be into doing the necessary work to save/rebuild the marriage. Counseling may also be used by her to cast you as the villain responsible for all the marital problems while avoiding like the plague the subject of her infidelities. So avoid this kangaroo court altogether by giving her the litmus test that will tell you once and for all if she is truly serious about saving/rebuilding the marriage, and which is to agree to become totally transparent to you at ALL times without becoming defensive. If she is reluctant or hesitant about this deal breaker condition, then there is more than a good chance that she is still having an affair. The point is that she must be made aware that it is ludicrous to beleive that the marriage can be saved/rebuilt under the conditions she proposes.

TMCM

What can she do to convice you she sincerely is remorseful and wants to commit to the marriage?

A few suggestions...

Answer every question you ask, with patience and love -and total HONESTY even if you ask it over and over and over again (and that WILL happen).
She needs to understand your pain.
She must give up all privacy to you as long as it take to re-establish trust (including all passwords, computer logs, cell phone info etc.)
If any part of her affair occurred at your house, offer to sell it and move.
If any part of her affair occurred with a co-worker, she should quit her job and find a new one.
She must end ANY contact with the OM NOW with a No Contact letter.
She should set up counseling for the two of you and for herself IF (as TMCM says) the you are convinced the affair is over.
She should check in with you often, so that you never wonder where she is or when she will be coming home.
Your W must give you every reason to trust her and no reason to think you can't.

Just a few suggestions to start rebuilding..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And should you separate? If you plan to working on the marriage and rebuilding, it's much more difficult if you are not living together.