AJ & I will both be reading and learning from this post, because lots of questions are coming up, and often we even both have the same feelings, but for different reasons and from opposite points of view.
In the last 6 1/2 weeks since the NC letter was first issued, we have found the roller-coaster description of recovery to be very true. At first it was almost like a honeymoon all over again, though it is a strange honeymoon that would include the kinds of things we had to talk about. But we each keep running into problems, sometimes even the same ones, and there must be a better way to deal with them.
Boy, it's hard to even know where to start, but one of the biggies is that when I have "down" times, which is pretty often right now, I tend to keep to myself more, not being as open or affectionate, because I am trying to keep from taking my anger/bad feelings out on him or anyone else. I really don't want to be the 'psycho spouse' described so eloquently by Patriot. (Surely not based on dear, sweet, Froz.) Yes, I tell him what is bothering me when he asks, but try not to get out the whole trumpet fanfare.
But then he gets upset, feeling like I am treating him like dirt, when all I am trying to do is to keep from LB'ing him. I feel like I can't win. If I cry and mope while he is around, he feels bad like what he's doing now is somehow not enough, but if I keep it more to myself I am treating him like dirt. There has to be a happy medium, but I haven't found it.
Another big thing is insecurity. Of course, in order to build trust, he holds himself open and accountable, which is all very good, but now he is having a hard time trusting me. If he can't get a hold of me by phone, he is afraid that either I've given up and left him, or am out having a revenge affair of my own. He doesn't leave the house any more than he has to, because then not only do I know where he is, but he knows where I am. This interferes with his concentration at work.
On the one hand, I told him one day that a small part of me wanted to hurt him and show him what this felt like, but I also explained at the same time that I loved him too much to actually do that to him, and that as a Christian I could not sin against God in that way, either. That I wanted to work on our marriage, not further destroy it. And I have given many reassurances that if I have a problem with him, I will talk to him about it and not just disappear as on the night of the Plan B letter.
What it seems like to me on this one is that he ought to figure out some boundaries to help him feel more comfortable, and I will go along with it. If that means calling him before I go out to weedeat and can't hear the phone, it's a small price to pay for his peace of mind. He's not sure what boundaries would help him, but hopefully will have some ideas after reading the responses to this.
That's probably enough questions for now, but that will get things going at least. Thank you.
