Now my husband has told me everything. I am glad he did. But the pain is so unbearable I dont know what do do. How do I let him touch me again. He was intimate with someone else. I want to hug him so bad...but I can't. he betrayed me in the worst possible way. It goes through my mind over and over and over. I cant get it out of my head. he says he feels so bad and he is so sorry. we have been married for 19 years in August. This wasnt supposed to be this way. I feel like I am in this big emotional dream. I dont feel like the hurt will ever go away. His relationship was physical and emotional. I can picture him with her. I cant get it out of my head. How do I go on

Most everyone here knows the feeling, yet we survive. It will take several years. Keep reading here and you will learn what you need to know. You can still have a wonderful marriage. It will be a new and more mature marriage, gone forever is the innocent one where we think that things like this only happen to others. It can be OK, keep reading. I am still here after 5 years. Marriage intact and enjoying life with my once WS. The images fade, the pain will decrease, but I am afraid that yes, this is life changing, but it can still be a good life. If you still love him, you can get thru this together. Hugs.

d123,

I know your world is crashing down around you right now. We've all been there and know exactly what you are feeling. It WILL get better. Honest. It does take time, patience, alot or work and reading and practicing what you've learned.

Ok, what did he tell you? Is he still seeing her? Who is she? Does he work with her? Is she married. Has he ended the affair? And does he want to work on the marriage?

he had been friends with her a long long time. It stepped up about 2 years ago. Then the physical started about 1 year ago and lasted 6 months. My husband ended the physical about 6 months ago but still called her day and night up until I found out on Thursday. We went through a rocky period in our relationship, but fixed it out 6 months ago and our relationship was the best it had ever been. he said he doesnt know why he continued to call her when our relationship couldnt have been more perfect. I dont understand that either. she is divorced and pretty and really really skinny. im not fat fat but i dont have a perfect body like hers. how can I every let him touch me again.. I know I will think of them. he said he will do what ever it takes to make things right. He stopped taking to her...he said he made the biggest mistake of his life and is sick about it....but that doesnt help..I love him soooo much...but i cant deal with this pain...what is the point of trying to make it work when I cant let him touch me. I will only think of him touching her. I cant get it out of my head.

How did you find out on Thursday?

2 1/2 weeks ago i saw the same phone number called on his cell night and daty. I went on the internet and saw this was going on for a year. I confronted him and he told me that he was sooo sorry. that it was just a friendship. he said he knew he shouldnt be talking to another woman that much and said he was sorry. he said it started when things wernt that great with us. he said since the last 6 months were so great with us, he himself doesnt understand why he kept calling her. he thought it was mabe out of habit. anyways none of this made sense to me so I called her and acted like I knew and told her she owed it to me to also tell me the truth. She then told me yes...she had been sleeping with him. I confronted my husband. Yesterday, he sat down with me and told me every detail from beginning to end. Although I asked him to...I cant see us every being together intimately again. I know he loves me soooo much and I love him....but intimacy is just so personal and should not be broken. I feel so alone and hopeless. I cant live life in this kind of pain

Okay, the first thing is, they may, or may not be telling you the truth, about the physical part being over. Right now he has to have no contact with her ever again, and be willing to write her a no contact letter. It should say that he loves his wife, and wants nothing to do with her ever again. See if he will agree to that.

That will tell you if he is willing to work on the marriage.

The rest of your issues can be worked on later. Hang in there, many of us have been through this, and have moved on to better marriages, and happier lives.

he called her while I was here and told her that he made a big mistake and that he needs to focus on his marriage and he cannot talke to her anymore. Also, about 6 months ago when we started doing good, thats when he also told her things were going so good with us, and that he screwed up and he has to focus on his marriage. He told her that he cannot see her in that way anymore. However he did continue to call her. His dad died two weeks ago from cancer. I dont know if thats why he kept on needing to talk to her....but I dont understand because we were doing sooooo great. Why did he continue to talk to her. He wants to set up counciling for us next week so we can get past this. As I said, i dont know how I can forget the intimate times they shared. I have not eaten or hardly slept since Thursday. I know everyone is going to say it sounds like he realized and really loves you. I know he does and I know he wants to get past this. The problem is, I can only think about them to being intimate. I cant get it out of my head

D,

Welcome.

You have already gotten great advice. Just my 50 cents worth:

Of course, you feel hopeless right now. Devastated. We have all been where you are. That is why this is the best place to be.

It is true that the A might not even be over. You have to become 'amateur detective' and find out. Check everything, cell records, e-mail records, credit card bills, his car to see if there are receipts, notes, etc. from OW. Some here will put a voice activated tape recorder in their spouse's car to hear conversations there. If you can afford it, you could hire a private detective, but I think it's expensive, and not always necessary. WS's are frequently pretty stupid.

But, maybe it is over. And now you have to deal with the pain. This WILL get better, I promise. You CAN recover. Your marriage can be better than before. BUT...you both have to work at it.

First, make sure the A is really over, and that there is NC with the OW. Ask for the NC letter. And you have to see it. And you have to be there when it is mailed.

Read everything on this site and buy the books, "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" both by Willard Harley.

About the intimacy, you have a lot to do right now, but you really cannot put off reclaiming your H. I will tell you that I was intimate with my H the night he told me. For me, it was about taking back what was rightfully mine, that some b**ch OW tried to steal. I would say, do not give this OW any further opportunity to ruin your marriage. You also deserve SF for yourself. Your H owes it to you. I cannot emphasize strongly enough that the sexual part of your marriage is very important, and you cannot neglect it, especially now.

Good luck. You are in my prayers.

My heart goes out to you.

I lived through the same pain. One day, my exwife (divorced 10 years now) announced she was having an affair and wanted out of our marriage. I worked to keep my marriage as best I knew how (I did not know of Marriage Builders at the time), but to no avail. After we split up, for several months, it took all of my strength just to get up out of bed and go to work each day.

How do you go on?

1) Don't make any quick decisions.
2) Read the advise on this website.
3) Find an activty to distract your thoughts and emotions.
3) Let some time pass, and with the advise here, decide what you want what you are willing to fight for.

I hope you fight for your marriage and that your mate is also willing to fight for your marriage.

Hope this helps.

D123, this is a really hard time for you. I'm sorry you have to endure it, but you must. Glad you are here. it took me over a week when I didn't/couldn't eat, didn't sleep (3 hours - really), couldn't sit still. Time passes and you regain your composure. You regain some sense of yourself. The insight above is golden, my thoughts: Don't go too fast. SLOW DOWN, really SLOW, SLOWER than SLOW. Read about the plans and especially the first step - ceasing the A permanently. HAS TO BE DONE!! My W will not do the ltr yet and refuses to address ?s - just says stay out of her business. We aren't and may never be able to get beyond that stage. You might. Read the site over several times, really, read it once all the way through, then take a day just to reflect and let your heart stop pounding. I prayed, and did physical activity. Spent alot of time with my kids and dogs. Then go in an read again, then again the next day. By then things will start sinking in. Took me over a week to really understand the method. Go SLOW time is your friend in this battle. GL

thanks for all of your comments. my husband has been so attentative and an emotional wreck himself because he is so up set with the mistake he made. I see he feels really bad and trying to help me. He wants to hold me soo bad. I feel so selfish because I cant. The thought of that first kiss scares me. I dont want his mouth on me....it has been, and he has been with someone else. Everyone says it will pass. God I want to feel close to him sooo bad too, but, I just cant let myself. it hurts toooo much. im not going to work tomorrow....im too weak from not eating since thursday and I feel like I am in an emotional daze. i still cant believe all of this is happening.
Where can I find the plan A, B that everyone is talking about

d123,

Welcome to MB. You & your Xws have taken a great leap and jumped from d/d to recovery almost instantly. That is why you are feeling as bad as you are right now.

Believe me if you had to go through d/d and the WS anger series, it w/b much harder for you. Your pride has been hurt and you are angry to have been betrayed by the one who s/b protecting and loving you the most. Ok, we know what that feels like but you and your Xws are in a much better position than many here.

So what should you do? I recommend the following:

1. Get the following books: His Needs/Her Needs and Suriving an Affair. Both are by Dr. W. Harley.

2. Go to the concepts section above and print out the Emotional Needs questionnare. Both of you should take it and understand what each other's ENs are.

3. Call Steve Harley t/d some phone counseling. You can go see an MC also but Steve will get right to the heart of it all quicker. Your MC w/b good if you and your H are visual people. Seeing someone in person who is familar with MB priniples w/b the best combination. Why do the phone counseling? Because Steve will give an accurate evaluation and set you both up with a plan for recovery.

4. Posting here helps. There is a recovery board here as well as GQII and Just found out. GQII has the most traffic but the recovery board has many posters who have advanced to the stage where you are at and can help you see what w/b ahead.

5. Pray for a clear mind, a calm heart and lots of patience. Understand that your Xws w/b confused and angry at himself as he turns back into your H. The transition is foreign and difficult. You both need to be there for each other at these times. Anxiety attacks may hit both of you at different times and for different reasons.

6. Get STD tested. Both of you. Regardless of what he says of the OW. Know that when your Xws has had sex with you after having with the OW, he has exposed you to every man the OW has had sex with. This sounds gross but stresses the need for STD testing. Better safe than sorry. Don't be angry, just both of you s/b tested.

7. Click on the link at the end of this post. Read the thread about the 5 stages of grieving. This is what you may go through.

8. Keep posting here. It helps to vent.

take care,
L.

D123,
Ask your husband just to hold you. Don't kiss him if you are not ready for that, but ask him to hold you. He sounds like he's trying to comfort you, so let him take some of your pain away. Remember,he's not in a great place emotionally either, He's hurt his best friend ever "big time", so hold each other and don't push him away. I needed my hugs when it happened to me, so I know exactly what you are feeling, as does everyone else on this site. Like me and everyone else here, you're life has completely changed from what you thought it was and there is no going back to exactly what it was before. We wanted our marriage and life to go back to "normal", but after sitting and discussing it, we decided it was "our normal" that had got us to this stage in our life after 19 years of being together.
Take small steps and one day at a time right now. At this time don't even try to think how you are ever going to get to the end of this. Just deal with today and getting through it cos' your'e putting too much pressure on yourself to "get better". Remember, you are in shock.
You have found a great site here at MB. Stay with it and you'll not feel so alone. That lonliness is so isolating and destructive. Get things off your chest here, do not let them swim round and round in your head so that you are ready for a full on battle every evening your H comes home.
You sound like your H and you are talking. Have you asked him his reasons for the A? Was it flattery he got from her? Did she chase him? Was it emotional needs she met for him? It will not be easy listening, like a knife turning in your stomach, but I think you need to discuss with him why it got to the A stage, to give yourself a clearer view of how involved emotionally he was, or is! You need to find these things out for sure, as we often presume an awful lot of things when the given information is shady or unclear - and go with your gut feeling.

Hope17

The reason for the affair: I did not get the effection I needed from my husband. Except for in the bedroom he really didnt show my any affection. I started to say no for the sex. I felt that sex was so intimate that the rest had to be there and then the sex would come. It made me feel like a slut. Eventually, when I would give in,we would talk and I would tell him sorry it took so long. I then told him what I needed, I told him why it was so hard to have sex. I needed the affection and the emotional connection. He acted like he understood and then the next day it would be as usual. He didnt change anything. As time went on. Everytime I gave in and he did not answer my needs I seemed to say no more often. That is why he had the affair. He said they clicked and for some reason he was able to talk to her. Give her effection. This lasted 1 1/2 years. Then it led into the other. After a year and a half it went to the physical. This lasted 6 months. He then decided that this wasnt right it was eating him alive. He said he realized what he was doing with her he should be doing with me. He stopped the physical part. Then things with us for the last 6 months were sooo perfect. He was effectionate, open, we talked for hours. He gave me everything I wanted. Then the love making just fell into place. Almost everynight as a matter of fact. However, for some reason he did not end the relationship with her completely. He was still calling her night and day. He says he doesnt understand why he still called her when he was 110% happy with me. He said he was more in love with me than ever before and that I was fulfilling all his needs and more. He thinks that mabe he still just called her out of habit. He doesnt know. I dont understand that if things were so perfect why he had the need to still call her. My emotions go from angry (he actually tried to hold me and I was closing my eyes crying and swinging at him telling him I hated him for what I did) 3 hours later I felt the need to be near him. I sometimes feel like just running away. I thought about taking pills twice because the pain is so strong I cant stand it. Then the next moment I feel like giving him the most passionate kiss ever...then I thing of his lips on her and then I get discusted. Then I get scared....like I said intimacy is such a big issue for me...I dont know how I can get passed that he was with someone else. My self esteem is so low right now. I am about a size 9. This person is about a size 2 or 3. Really skinny. The thought of him having to have my fat body over a body that is perfect is embarrassing. I have not eaten since Thursday. Feel light headed and dizzy. I havent eaten because I feel so horrible, and I think I feel the need to be skinny. My body is repulsive to me right now. He chose someone elses over mine. I do believe he tied off all contact with this person, he said he doesnt even feel the need to talk to her or feel sad about never having contact with her ever again. he said that it was really over 6 months ago and the continued calling was just habit....but that doesnt matter. The image of them together wont go away. The thought of him still calling her when things were so perfect also hurts so bad. I know you will say...then maybe things werent so perfect....but they really were in both our minds. We were always telling each other that we both couldnt believe how good things could be. But that has been taken away. I am now here feeling like an emotional wreck. As I said, as much as I want to, I can't see the light of getting past this. Especially the physical part of it.

D,

You are all over the place.

Stop.

Breathe. Breathe slowly for one minute.

Then, call Steve Harley for an appointment.

Then, call your physician or nurse practitioner to get a prescription for antidepressants. You need to level out.

Lastly, what I am about to tell you will be a waste of time, but I will say it anyway:

Size 9 is NOT fat. Unless you are 4'6" tall (and you are probably more like 5"3"-5'5", it is normal.

The A was not about a size 2 body. It was about admiration, pursuit, ego building, filling of ENs that was not happening at home. It was also the poorest of poor decisions on the part of your H.

My FWH's XOW was a knock-out. She also got a facelift just prior to the A, which tells me she was in pursuit of an A, not even necessarily with my H, but with someone.

Do you want to be a size 8 or a size 6? There are healthy ways to do that. But, do it for yourself, to be healthier. Exercise. Choose healthy foods in healthy portions.

D, you CAN, you WILL get past this. Remember, you are the WIFE. You have an important status. Time is on your side. You don't have to rush. All of us BS want this fixed yesterday.

That is not going to happen. BUT...with MB, with the great support you will find here, you can recover your marriage, and be really happy again. Remember, Recovery can take about 2 years. Be patient. Be strong.

The other thing I am afraid of is when I called to confront the other person, she was the one that told me she was having sex with him. She said that she was able to give him what he needed and I was not. She said it is only a matter of time before he comes back to me (her). She is in love with him. Once she realized he is not going to call her again..I am afraid she is going to come after him. My H told me if he sees her he will walk away without saying a word and if she calls, he will hang up. But if I cant get passed this (sooner than later) I am afraid, because he is feeling so miserable, he will end up back with her. Like she said to me...it is only a matter of time before he comes back to me. Everyone says I have time. But I dont...My husband says he is here for the long haul, not to worry about that...The important thing is to get our relationship back on track...That is easy for him to say right now....but he already left once because his needs werent being addressed...Right now the thought of kissing him kills me...it hurts to much...if I dont get passed this isnt it likely he will go back to her. (she told me so)

Right now it is so hard to see or understand how I can move beyond this. My heart is dying...I want him so badly...But the pain and hurt is more powerful. I am past the stage of hurting myself..Like I said I only found out Thursday...and I think that that was just an initial reaction. but I do know the pain and hurt is beyond words.

D,

What did you expect an OW to say? She is desperate to hurt you. Think like her. She will say anything to needle you, hopefully even to get you to leave your H, making room for her to snatch him up.

The 'experts' here advise the BS against confronting/contacting the OP. I think they are right. She had been practicing for that day. You were still in the aftermath of the shock of Dday. If your H is still in C with her, she will twist your conversation around, making you sound like a raving loon.

What's the worst thing for an OP, especially an OW?

Silence.

The silence that tells them they were meaningless & unimportant in the big picture. If you don't believe me go to gloryb.com, the website for cheaters. Actually, don't go there, at least not right now, b/c their cold, selfish attitude will only upset you. Trust me, those who've been dumped post-D-day cannot believe their OP could 'go dark' on them.

They stew and steam over how cruel it was to get dumped in an e-mail or a phone call.

Do not waste any more breath on this low life.

Again, call Steve Harley fo an appointment. And call your primary care provider for some antidepressants.

You do have time. But, you do have to restore the physical side of your M.

Hugs and prayers.

DITTO...DITTO...DITTO!
Give them nothing! Hold your strength and your power within yourself. The OP is absolutely nothing, no matter what they think or say.
Time will work on your side. Be patient. Pray and we will pray for you.
It will get better.
holiday

I would still ask your husband to write her a no contact letter, saying that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and for her not to call or contact him for any reason.

See if he will do that.