I've been going through the hardest and easily most confusing part of my life right now and more than anything I'm looking for guidance and support from those in similar situations to me.

My wife left me two weeks ago and although we aren't yet divorced, it is looking more and more everyday like she is ready to move on with her life - something that although hurts, I have to, and am willing to accept.

My biggest question as of now (I will elaborate further on my life and how I have come to the point at which I am at at this moment later) is one of two or so different things.

From the moment I met my wife, I was head over heels in love. I have loved her since the day I met her more than I've ever felt love EVER in my life. I would die for her without hesistation - I've always wanted her to be happier than anything in her life; and more than anything I wanted to be the father to her children.

The thing I don't understand though is that - for the first year of our relationship I could show her these things. I always spent EVERY waking moment with her, I never took our time for granted, I would quit absolutely EVERYTHING i was doing for her and for us. All I needed in life was her to be happy.

But then, its like during the later half of our marriage - I began ignoring her unintentionally. I stopped helping around the house and its like that feeling inside of me that always wanted me to do EVERYTHING I could for her went away. I would tell her how I would help out - but then I'd forget, or I wouldn't do it for a week or so. My e-mails went from huge novels and constant ranting about how in love with her I was to short paragraphs.

All while this was happening though, I loved her exactly the same as I had always loved her. The happiness I felt having her around, the joy her smiles brought me, her beautiful eyes. I still loved her more than anything, but its like I couldn't show it for some reason. I still wanted her kids - but we started arguing and I was afraid to conceive with her.

I don't know why this happened. I feel like the biggest pile of crap in the world because she felt for the longest time like I wasn't as committed to us as she was, but in my heart I've always loved her more than anything on this Earth. I think she's afraid to come back to me because she doesn't think I'll ever change - even though she said the times in the beginning when we were happier than anything were the best she's ever had. She's stopped calling because she feels like I'm just trying to force her to come back, and she just wants to be friends now.

I don't know what to do - why did I act for so long the way I did? My life is incomplete with out her - and I'm taking the steps to fix my problems - I've started counseling, I've gotten a job, I've sold the things I owned that started to distract me from her - but she asked me "Why didn't you just do it when I was trying to save us? Why do you always wait to change until I'm about to leave?"

I'm sincere from the bottom of my heart that I'm changing now - I've realized how special she is and how much I love her from the bottom of my heart - but I'm really, really, scared its too late.

There isn't a day that goes by when I wake up alone and feel like crap. Sleeping next to her for two years were the happiest times of my life, and I find myself asking the same things every day. If I love her so incredibly much, why did I act that way for so long as our relationship progressed?

I'm so confused...

-A

Then, don't give up. Read the stuff here on this site, and do what you can do to win her back. There's lots of reasons to be hopeful, and lots of people here who've been there and gotten back together again.

Maybe one of them can step up and give you advice. I'm not the one who can do that - I made a mess of trying to get my spouse back, and I am no longer working on it. But, if I could have found a way for us to fix things and be happy, I would have gone that route.

You are in a great place to gather information to improve yourself, thereby possibly improving your relationship. I have a suggestion which I hope you will do ASAP. Go to the "edit post" button at the top of your post, and remove your name (and the name of your wife in the middle of your post). Remember everything posted here is public information. Someone could see it and recognize you, or her, and you would lose the anonymity that you have (and freedom you have to vent, post, etc..)