what is reasonable to expect from a WS transitioning into a FWS? we all say NC, NC letter, etc, but in reality, there are many recovered marriages that did involve a WS turning into a FWS overnight -- there are some recovered marriages with BS that had to negotiate for months while the fog was clearing before a NC letter was sent

I would like to understand what the recovered/experienced MBers think is reasonable during this transition phase?

are there any exceptions to the NC letter, such as As that ended a long time ago if there has been NC since the end? are there other exceptions?

it's easy to say, if WS doesn't do "x", then don't proceed with recovery, but in reality, if everyone followed those strict standards, there would be fewer recovered marriages (I'm assuming the A and contact has ended, but the FWS is reluctant to follow MB principals or just shows little/no interest or somehow deviates from MB standards)

any guidelines on what is acceptable and what is detrimental?

thanks everyone

I am no expert, just another BS schlub about a year out from D-Day. My opinion is just that, an opinion.

So far as a NC letter...well, some of my FWW's partners(there were 8 all told that I am aware of) got one, some did not. The ones that didn't don't prey on my mind as much as the ones who did.

How ridiculous that I have come to a place where I can write off some of the affair partners as relatively unimportant? Sheesh.

Anyway, my understanding is that the NC letter is to not only end the A, but to provide the BS with some assurance that the A IS over, and that the WS wishes to attempt to return to their marriage. If the BS that these assurances are unneccesary in their situation...well, that is really their call. If the BS FEELS that a NC letter is necessary, then it IS, period.

I would urge you to read up on the theories here on the site, and in Surviving an Affair(book). Most successful recoveries, as with most affairs, can be seen to follow general guidelines. What MB does is to show us these guidelines, help us to understand them and deal with them, and eventually to be able to recover from the devastation that an A introduces into our homes and lives. Not to ignore the damage, but to build a stronger marriage in the wake of it.

Matter of fact, even though many people find their way here because of adultery, MB can be very beneficial to even the healthiest of marriages.

All the best,
OAK

Transition from WS to Fws to spouse can happen only when that person decides to make the change. The BS can only show the way and then must wait on the WS to make the 1st step.

The amount of time and circumstances needed to make that change will vary but the effort coming from the WS is mandatory to any good M recovery.

Here's my list:

1. NC - established whatever way possible. Generally a letter is recommended. Many a WS will insist to have a 'last conversation' with the OP. That is generally an excuse to go have 'sex' 1 more time.

2. Go to MC. Joint or individual counseling. If the WS drags their feet or makes a scene, they lose 100 points and go back to the beginning. Recommend phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer from MB. Steve is great with the WSH's and Jennifer is good with the WSW's but both are great with either gender. What makes them good is their ability to assess and make a plan.

3. Get STD testing. No fighting, just do it. If the WS is relunctant, know the sex is still ongoing and they don't want the OP to know they doubt the OP's loyalty to the A. Some WS' will get tested several times and still continue contact. So this is more of a safety precaution for the BS. Everytime contact is renewed, getting STD tested s/b a requirement even if the Xws says he/she only 'talked' to the OP. Yea right, like I used to tell mine 'was that with or without your clothes on?'

4. Take the EN questionnaire. If the WS is relunctant. Back to square 1. Game starts all over again.

5. Helping the BS through their anxiety periods and telling the BS what the BS feels they need to know. Some want all the details, others don't.

6. Xws needs t/b patient and realize rebuilding the trust will take time and even honest situations c/b questionnable. If the Xws gets angry, then question if contact has been reestablished with the OP. The BS must have the upper hand in this matter.

7. Xws needs to know and start meeting the BS' needs.

8. Xws must make the BS feel safe. This will take time. REbuilding the trust is harder than stopping the A.

This is just a few items.

L.

Butterscotch: For recovery to start, there has to be NC. An NC letter is a reasonably effective way to achieve NC. The NC letter assumes that WS and OP are still engaged in a relationship, whether emotional or physical.

The problem I see with not sending the NC letter is that a BS can never be sure that the A has truly ended. (I'm an expert at ending an A--I ended mine 5 times.) So, unless the BS has overwhelming proof that the A is over, sending the NC letter seems like the thing to do.

IMHO, there are three parts to recovery.
(A) Ending the A (i.e., NC).
(B) Fixing the problems in the M that led to the A
(C) Helping BS deal with the emotional problems caused by the A.

(A) is essential.

After the A has ended, WS and BS need to both be actively working on (B) and (C). If WS and BS aren't doing (B) and (C), then there is no recovery. If there is no A, but there is no progress on (B) and (C), then (IMHO) you don't really have much of a M.

The specific essential tasks, IMHO, are:

1) Marriage counseling where both parties are actively engaged in the process.
2) STD testing
3) Full accountability by WS for his/her whereabouts. This includes giving BS full access to all information (bank statements, charge card statements, cell phone records, email accounts, whatever...)
4) FWS answering honestly and completely each and every question BS asks.
5) A desire and commitment by both FWS and BS to make the M better.