I will try and make this as short as possible. I am new here, so bear with me. First I would like to start by saying I am married to my bestfriend, and soul mate. We have been married 4 years. He has one son, and I have two boys all from previous marriages. About 2 weeks ago things went all crazy. He more or less wanted to give up on us. He said it was because I hadn't got a job yet. Now let me explain this. I have always worked, maybe a month or two in between jobs. We closed our business down end of April, and I was trying to help his mother because his dad is terminally. And his uncle was fixing to pass away. But after things were settled down I was going to get a job. He said he just couldn't deal with all the bull, and it was over, that changed to well you move out get your own place, a job show me you can handle it. I was blown away, Here was the man I love with all my hear wanting to do this. Well just a couple of days ago, he had my cell turned off, it was in his name, checking accounts changed, wanting all his things (cd's, etc). Before he done this I was going crazy with all the hurt and was willing to try anything. I begged this man, with all my heart to give us a chance. Cried more than I ever thought possible. And he still said the only way this might work and you leave. I went to take his things back today, and his mother was very hateful to me, me and her always got along. I finally found my H, I thought maybe if I would just admit its over it would get better or easier, boy was i wrong. He said he had come to peace with it last night that is was over, he could raise his son by his self, and promised he wasn't seeing no one else. My heart broke, I guess I wanted him to say we will work it out just give it time, I was willing to take that but no completely over. Anyways I told him I would always love him, and was sorry for all the mistakes I made. He said he made mistake to, and all this must seem crazy to me. Before I left I asked if he was going to file for divorce he said as soon as he had the money. When I left I could'nt handle it and called him all the time and always went home trying to do anything to make him see our marriage was worth taken chance and trying to make it work. So I didn't give him is space. I told him this today, and said maybe you need time and space I didn't give you, and I will give it to him now, if he would hold off on divorce and think things through again. This is killing me, you know you just can't give up on someone you love. So I guess I need all the help, (advice)anyone can give me.. Oh one more important thing. We was in the middle of taking my ex to court to get full custody of my two boys next month. I have joint custody now. The timing was bad for all this to happen. It has tore my kids apart. They want to go home. So please help me on what I can do if there is any chance to make this work. I am scared time will only push him away further. I just don't know.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Did your husband agree with you getting full custody of your sons?

I see a few things here that could be a problem. 1) He may not agree with you getting full custody of your sons. 2) He may be very upset about his dad and uncle being so upset.

3) And in my opinion, the most probable - He is having an affair.

I say this because all of the signs are there - his not wanting to work on the marriage, his coldness, his wanting you to move out (so that he is free to carry on the affair), and his mother's behavior. Usually those in affairs bad-mouth their spouse to their families and friend to justify their cheating.

He has told me that us getting full custody of my boys is the best thing for them. My oldest is almost 13, and gives us alot of trouble. At one point he says he just can't deal with all this right now, his dad, and us. He told me today " I promise you there is no one else". I want to believe him. He live walking distance from his parents, and has full custody of his son. Is there signs to look for on cheating. Could this be he needs time to cope over maybe fixing to lose his dad, and everything else. Do you have any suggestion I could do. I don't want to push him away by me keeping calling or writing him, but I don't want to let our marriage slip away. I am really depespart right now. He told me today that he loved me, and he was hurting too, and it was killing him. His mother is going through alot with her husband and his cancer, she was upset I was there, and it might upset her husband. I just don't know

MlB-

Let me add my welcome. You will find great support and advice here.

I agree with Believer. It seems as though your H is having an A, and has bad-mouthed you to his family. Why else would your MIL, who you helped so much, turn on you?

Questions:

Have you already moved out?

If so, I think this is a huge mistake, one I would try to undo right away. Say anything. Say you made a mistake, but that is your house, too, and you are not leaving. Heck,just go back, if he hasn't changed the locks. I mean, just GO BACK. Move back in. Refuse to leave. It's your house, too. You're the wife. That counts for more than you think. If he wants to leave, then he can. My bet? He will not. Most WH do not move out.

Have you done any checking to see if he is having an A?

Obviously, it's going to be hard to check if you are not living in the house, so get back there by any means possible. Check his cell phone for numbers you don't know.
Check his e-mail. Do you know his friends, someone he may confide in? Talk to them to see if there is a new W in his life.

You need to read everything on this site. You need to get and read the books "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Willard Harley. You can buy them at most bookstores, but you may be able to get them from your library.

Then, you need to tell your H that you are not willing to break up your marriage until you have done everything possible to save it for at least 2 years. That will give you time to start working on your Recovery.

You are in my prayers. Let us know what happens.

Well on the moving out, he live on his mom and dads place, and already had a home of his when we married, so it really was not mine it is his and his moms. I did go back, or about 3 days, and things didn't improve. I asked him today if I would back off, and give him space if he would at least think some more, he agreed. I have checked our cell and home phone, and no numbers there. He work with his uncle (Logging). So they work 12 hours aday in the woods, and the only other place he goes is to work out in a public school gym. We lived in a very small town, where you know everything about everyone, and no one has seen anything. I know his mother didn't even like us living together without being married, so him bring someone home when I am not there now probably won't happen. I guess, I am trying to figure out when and where he found time. I guess I need to know signs of a A, and how to check and confirm. Any help appreciated, And thanks to everyone.

M,

There are some excellent, informative threads here on signs of an A. One is the following:

"50 signs your spouse is having an affair" posted by Triumph2. Date: 2/23/2000.

I do not know how to create links, so you have to go to the 'search' function. But, read, read, read.

I smell an OW somewhere. Maybe at the gym, maybe someone he works with (are there any women loggers), but somewhere.

Oh, and they ALL say there is no other woman.

I agree with Believer. Smells like an OW is nearby. 1st of all if you are helping his parents, why is MIL mad at you?

2nd how can living apart help you all financially? Is he planning to make a big purchase and you screwed up his $$ plans? Hm... something doesn't add up.

He wants to raise his son by himself. Is that good for his son? Your children may have to stay with joint custody if your H abandons the family, that's ok with him?

Sounds like the fog is in those woods and she keeps taking off her clothes out there. Best read up on Surviving an Affair.

Right now, get that job, do your plan A (read up on it 1st). I suspect once you do that, he will find another excuse so you getting a job was just an excuse.

Let him know you think he is acting quite weird and 'others' are beginning to wonder if he is having an A. Don't have to say who those 'others' are just say, 'others have said....'

Read up and keep posting.

L.

I guess my H having a OW is the last thing I want to admit. His job keeps him moving every 2-3 weeks, there are not women loggers, but that doesn't mean nothing. His whole thing, in me getting out on my own, is to see if I will last. Hold down a job, and keep a house at the same time. My H has full custody of his son, and he is very protective of him. My ex and his new wife, has really started lots of trouble the past 2 years, especially with my kids, trying to turn the kids againest us ( you name it they have done it), and my H says this could affect his son, and he hate his son hearing all the fighting with my ex, and also with my kids. I did tell him exactly that yesterday. That people said they think he was having an affair. He said, I know what people must think, and you too, but I promise, I have not ever been with an OW. I live about 45 minutes from him now, but can still check the home calls he makes, but not the cell phones. I know where he works out ( usually after he get off work around 8p.m), and that is usually the end of his day. How do I try and find out for sure? I thank you all, and keep the advice coming.

You can usually get the cell phone bill on-line. I would keep watching.

But, in the meantime, your husband wants you to get a job, so try working on that. Then see if something else comes up. I don't see this being about you not working.