I dont have time to find my other post...we just got in from SAT...Ed was supposed to get the kids at 4:00 for the afternoon...He calls me and demands I be home at 6:00...well, I wasn't...he called at least 15 times, last time leaving a message stating he had an appt at 7:00 that he HAD to be at...uh huh...so I called him back and told him he had best NOT be calling me and making demands that he cannot control me any longer...and that if he wished to communiate with me anymore, it had to be thru email or fax...I drove up to the back alley, as he was IN THE GARAGE...he was backing his truck out...He was going to LEAVE THE KIDS THERE!

I drive tot he front of the house, get out, and go inside...then he comes tot he front of the house with two of the kids with him..I told him to leave the front of the door and I would let the kids in...he did, and I let them in...

I then see him leaving his fathers day gift from the kids on the stoop...THEN he breaks into my BACK DOG DOOR>..he broke it open...

I just sit down on the couch...I was calm and collective...He tried to tell me about this new house he has lined up...then goes on to say that he could not stand the though of growing old with me, then in the next sentence asks if I want to work this out...and that we really should NOT get divorced...and that it would be best for the kids if we stayed married and that we COULD work it out...WTH??

OK, Ed...get on with your life...I told him that I was very happy in the place I am right now...being in my mind and heart...not in the house...I apologized that HE IS NOT happy, but he chose that path...I do not want to reconcile...I explained that even if he moved me a million miles away, I would not want to be married to him...He again asked if I was sure I wanted this divorce...He said he keeps looking back at it all and he then said the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side...uh huh...

I told him that I am sorry, but I didnt' think he would be happy with anyone he chose...that if he is not happy with OW, then...he said "i'm happy with her" right!

sooo, I asked him to leave many times...his phone rang...I said "oh is that OW"? he said YES...and laughs...I said "OH your 7:00 appt is getting upset...I told him to answer it...he said NO, not here...SO, I called her back and told her that I was sorry that Ed could not answer her call, but taht he was busy trying to get me to stop the divorce YET AGAIN...all the while he is in the background saying "you liar, bullsh!t..."

I hung up and he said "thanks a lot, you just ruined everything for me"...

I'm sorry, I just could not resist it...she called and I just had to let her KNOW what he is doing...whta games he is playing...I am so sick of him doing this to me and then going to her and acting as if life is grand...SHE needed to hear it...

I am still being accused of calling her..or rather one of my friends is still calling her...WHATEVER...well, now she can fight the fight with him...

I think that what bothers him most is that he cant have me anymore..he cant control me anymore..I am not just sitting here with my finger up my [censored]...He laughed when he found out I mowed the lawn....then was surprised when I said I enjoyed it...hahahaha...yup, I am moving on an dhe cant stand it...

ok, let me have it...I know I did a bad...but it felt good...I saw him squimmer and her squeel...

Mom . . . as I've said to you before, I don't think you are fooling anyone with this -- least of all, Ed. You just proved that yes, he DOES control you and can get the reaction he wants out of you anytime he wants. You are still utterly enmeshed in his life and aren't even close to separating your life from his. You are just as desperate for his attention as he is for yours.

He is a man who thrives on having a harem. Why do you keep participating?

You might want to read my post a little farther down titled "Putting everyone and everything before the marriage." There are some good responses there about negative and nonreciprocal attention. Gave me a lot to think about.

I am a bad one too for not being able to disengage, but Mom, you are feeding this situation every bit as much as your WH is feeding it.

You are trying to tell yourself the right stuff, like "I don't care about Ed and I'm moving on!", but your actions make it clear that you are doing anything but.
Mulan

Hi mulan...thanks for your reply...It is hard NOT to ENGAGE when he breaks into my house...and is in my face one minute telling me he cant stand me and cant stand the thought of growing old with me then the next asking me if I really want the divorce...then telling me that the grass is NOT greener on the other side, so he mine as well spend it with me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I try, OH GOD knows I try NOT TO ENGAGE...but a human being can only take so much...I turned the TV on...I sat there and minded my OWN businses..but he pushed me...then when the phone rang, I just could not resist...I saw the opportunity and took it to let that OW know that HE IS IN MY HOUSE and what he is doing...

I am calling my lawyer first thing in the monring to see what my rights are as far as the house goes and if it is considered breaking and entering even though it is still his house...It says in the temp orders that **I** will remiain the family home...

I have let go...I really have..It is hard to see that in my posts...but believe me, I have let go...I am very happy with my independence now and my new found single hood...I really am...I am not just trying to convince myself...

Hard to see that, I know...I ahve come so far...I can feel it...dang, I even mowed the lawn...something he cant even do...he thought I was getting a neighbor to do it...haha...NOPE...I am doing it...

I am doing things, I am happy with my kids, happy without my HUSHBAND around...I do not miss him at all...I do not miss that miserable life...Good grief, I look back and think about all the drama and think about how it COULD be still with him here...NO THANKS! I just cant stomach it anymroe!

I think some of us get somewhat addicted to the drama ourselves. I think it is part of the PTSD from the numerous false recoveries.

I think you will recover in time...just as Faithinee sounds like she is recovering post-D. It will take time. These set backs do not help. I understand your weakness in falling for the temptation to engage with him. He is bating you all the time. You both get your fixes from the drama.

He makes no sense. Out of one side of his mouth he is saying he can't imagine growing old with you (or did you really mean to say without you?) then that the grass isn't greener...and yet out of the other side he is saying he is happy with OW. He is a sicko. He sounds mentally deranged by all he has created. That old narcissist label comes to mind.

In all of his ranting it doesn't sound like he ever lays out a workable plan on how he can make it work...accept his keeping you both. He hasn't ever really said he would make any sacrifices to really recover your marriage once and for all. In fact he keeps reiterating that he won't..won't end it with OW, won't stop that NH, won't sell his businesses and move away, won't...won't...won't do anything different.

I believe you are on the right path to D and move on. It is so hard with the 3 boys needing their Dad and having to work out that part of it all. Unfortunately, you will always be in each other's lives.

I am sorry for the turmoil you keep finding yourself participating in. You keep succumbing to the temptation of it...it gets so close then you let yourself go with it...knowing you really shouldn't do it...to whatend. What are you getting from it if not your own fix of the madness? Was this all in front of the boys..again?

Did you read the post I mentioned? In it, I asked why WH keeps right on doing things he *knows* will hurt and upset me, even though he says he doesn't mean to do things to hurt me. You are in the same boat. Read Gimble's reponses.
Mualn

Trix, I am treying so hard to work this out and try to be civil for the boys...But he makes it impossible...there is a confrontation every single time we talk or see each other...it has got to stop...but how do you make it stop? EVERY time we talk he brings up the fact that we SHOULDN"T get a divorce...I told him tonight that I dod not want to talk to him anymore...but then he breaks into the house...thru the dog door...

I just cant take the madness that he creates anymore...

I want to draft up a letter and tell him that we need to work this out and be civil and he needs to accept that this is how it is...BUT I dont even know where to start...he throws it in my face that even the court cant MAKE him see the kids when they say he has to and they cant MAKE him spend time with them...

HE controls it all...I cant just walk away from my kids...HE CAN...but I will NOT...I try to make it as routine as possible..but he comes and there is NO ROUTINE...he keeps them an hour or two...doesn't come on specific days...I have tried to make this easy on everyone...but I cannot make himdo anything and I also CANT keep him from the kids...I dotn want to...I WANT him to be in their lives...as much as the OW does not want him to...he wants to...

but how on earth do you make this easy with an impossible spouse to work with! He is making this a nightmare for the kids...he just doesn't get it...

I haven't been over there yet..i will go thru it later on...It sounds like we ARE in similar boats...and it sucks to have such a vicious spouse to work with...have you filed divorce?

Hon,

Your control w/b to make him wonder. Make him wonder by not feeding his anger, control or agrument. When he makes a statement you deem not worth responding to or not worth defending (because you can't argue with stupidity), then just say 'ok'. Then leave him wonder what you mean by ok. Don't explain. Stop with just that statement or something similar. You are not condoning, just acknowledging he made a statement. You are not to declare his statement is wise or stupid, just acknowledge he made the statement. Then leave him be. Eventually the WS will realize he is talking ot the air and know you are NOT giving him his fix.

The OW will now have the challenge to meet his real needs and will fail miserably. Why? Because she is already a stinkin' failure. BTW OW if you are reading this, take a sniff, but don't inhale too much, you might even knock yourself out. OWs smell just by their actions, which get stinkier by the minute. Reel the WS in by being more demanding OW, you just can't help it and guess what that will give you. LOL!!!

Ok m23bs, back to you..... now you know the WS is trying hard to get a fix from you. His babbling is a dead giveaway. But the confusion is his and his problem alone so let him work it out his own way. Just remove yourself from the drama. He drops the boys off and you receive them. If he drops the boys off and leaves them alone, record it and report it. No appointment is worth that action. Prep your chlidren that if their dad leaves them without proper supervision, what they are t/d and what they are to report to you. Might as well train your boyz since the WS can't be paper trained. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

1) Listen to Orchid on how to disengage.

2)You can't make him follow a routine with the kid's visitation, but the courts, the police and the jails sure can. Do you have a visitation agreement set up? If you don't, you obviously need one. Then, when he screws with it again (and he will), you let the COPS and the COURTS handle it -- NOT YOU.

If you really want to disengage from him, this is what you have to do.
Mulan

When he busts down your door, you call the police.

Why are you sitting there talking to him?

MOvingforward4me:

Why are you still imbibing in this f-ing madness? The very fact that he still can evoke these responses from you just proves that he still has some control over you. You just are "not there yet". I think you are getting better, but you still are playing too much of a role in this drama. \

I do not think there should be any talk whatsoever of reconciliation or whatever. Ed is a f-ing heathen, plain and simple. I can 100% guarantee that he someday comes crashing down. You know it and I know it. But please for the love of God, stop playing the fool and remove yourself from this B$. Go to a sort of Plan B, and ONLY discuss the kids and stop worrying about the fat cow OW.

The marriage is OVER. PLease stop entering into any discussions with him about anything other than your children.

Call the damn police the next time he pulls this $hit. I think Ed is a total piece of $hit of a human being, but he is still your children's father and there is nothing you or I can ever do about that. SO yes, you have to seal with him forever, but please limit your ROLE in this dysfunctional disgrace.

YOu are "my girl" and I am very proud of you and how you have grown, but you need a 2 X 4' here...Sory but I had to hand this one out to you.

CHeers

LM

THanks for the replies everyone! After speaking to my lawyer, I cant call the police if he breaks into his own house...just as I suspected...but I WILL call them if he does it again for my own protection as I do not know what that man will do anymore!

I have been asked NOT to call the OW anymore because I hurt her feelings and I upset her! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I don't know if it was productive, but calling OW was definitely funny as heck. I guess maybe it's showing that you won't participate in his lies. I think calling her every time he comes sniffing around might not be such a bad thing.

Dobie