Hi,
I cannot reply to any threads says the URL cannot be found! Gosh that is so frustrating. I can read them annonomously that is it.

OK....

We Began dating when I was 16 and he was 19. He was off a rebound woman (she was 23). We did begin as friends, turned comfortable loveship we got pregnant. And at that time he didnt want the child he had plans for his life (there goes my life syndrome)

Needless to say, he has a lot of unlived dreams ontop of an unfaithful wife.

When we were dating he was always good at being Independant tho connected to someone (me). It has always been his lifestyle. I spent years being alone and pregnant while he went to the bars, ran around with friends, enjoyed himself, worked late hours etc. By the time I had my first affair, i absolutey hated myself, he was verbally and mentallyl abusive and I also hated him. The person i had the affair with met all the needs and then some my H didnt. Was I remorseful then? hmm.. i honestly can say at this point that I was guilty but still very inticed about the relationship. And while the sexual side ended after one encounter, I lied to my H about things concerning "continued" sexual behavior. In reality we had one sexual encounter and we had a lot of emotional affair on the phone. I believe NOW that I was more sorry I got caught than for what I had done. But I dove in stopped all contact with that OM and put all my worth in my marriage. My H got saved and he did begin to change. But then at that point he became obsessive. I couldnt go anywhere or do anything EVER alone. He never even gave me space to potty alone, or even to be alone in my mind for a sense of quiet with a household of 5 children. HE in a sense, grounded himself by being obsessive with me and my behavior and life. What did we do to work thorugh it? Nothing. He accepted me back, did his best to love me, and smothered the heck out of me. After the second one, at that point I too was living independantly married, and after a night of heavy drinking, I stupidly had a one night stand. WE seperated after that for 2 months. In that two months I did indeed spend time with the OM. However, he was devestated and wasnt sure he could stay with me....it was like i just kicked the slats right out underneath him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Then we decided to get back together. Things were great. Then I left for a family members house who was having a baby and walllllllaaaaa.....things changed.

it had been on my imnd to stay gone. He obviously wasnt happy with me, he was so hurt. I came back for a week, wouldnt allow sex because I was wanting to make a clean decision about where things needed to be. He took it as I was horsing around on him. I wasnt.

So that was a year ago. No, he is NOT willing to work on anything. It is too late as he puts it. Yes, he seems to be in this relationship for the kids. He wont lose his kids he says. But he treats me very rudely, and doesnt fail to mention on a daily basis what a loser unfaithful wife I am, and mention the OM name in front of the kids. Yes, daily reminders is a way to make you feel low indeed.

Am I remorseful. OMG, yes. and I am sure you have all heard it before, but it wont happen again. My life has taken on new meaning the past year and a half. I am faithful to my children, to my job, to my church, to my husband. I do waht I say I will do, I do what I can to life him up to life up our children. I never put myself in a position to have to make a decision to stay in my boundaries. I never am alone with a man, I do not converse with men, whether it be online or in real life unless there is another person around. I refuse to be associated with cheating again.

And in someways I am the happiest I have ever been. WITH ME. I actually like me.....

But the darker side is dealing with the emotional caos that is in this household. I am not sureh ow long I can deal with being married tho single. He doesnt care what i do online, who i see, where I go what i do, what is makign me sad or happy, I swear he glee's in my saddness.

I want to say I have reaped what I have sown. But I guess I also feel that there has to come a time and place where things have to change. I know for a fact we cannot continue to reaise children in such a hateful place. The oldest 3 have taken his side. The youngest 2 dont know what to do. They cling to me. Our oldest is 15. our youngest is 9.

I have told him, ask me to go, I will go. I wont fight you on the children on belongings nothing. I will take nothing with me.

Last night I was laying in bed thinking that for 16 yeras every day he told me he loved me. He hasnt told me he loves me in over a year.

Not to mention I believe he had an emotional affair witha lady that suddenly after i left decided to leave HER husband. She was at my house, while i was gone late nights. She told my children I was not coming back. it was a mess.

I do not believe it was physical. I think my hsuband has been integrity than that. But I do believe that he is emotionally "in love' with the other woman. I ran her off about 6months ago and again he has not let me live that down. Claiming I run off all "our" friends. But what he doesnt know is I confronted that lady with the...... are you in lvoe with my husband, blah blah....and she never said she was....but she NEVER said she wasnt.

SO.

Here is where we sit. There is no communicatoin at all. IF i ask a question he says IM there to fight. So, we dont talk about anything important.

Quite frankly I am at the point of leaving. The 5 things that keep me here ARE the kids because when i got back after being gone 30 days last summer, they were an emotionally destroyed children, and I am slowly building relationsihp with a few of my children.

I work very hard not to lvoe bust. I work hard to keep things calm. But I am so loney and I hurt too, because you know what? WE are OUR OWN WORST ENEMY when things start to come together! WE are good at OUR OWN HATE, our OWN condemnation! So between spouses and ourselves we are emotionally doomed too.

anyway, thanks for your input.

OH, Loving4Him, I am so sorry for all the pain you both have created within your marriage and family.

But how to mend it? I am not one of the wisest ones on this forum and may not have any answers for you.

To start with you can email Tempest, as it says at the top of the page, as it says at the top of the page. They're supposed to have a fix for the problems you are having. Usually, you are supposed to clear your cookies.

You can try easily downloading Mozilla Firefox browser...
Mozilla Firefox
lots of the problems seem to go away with that.
On the top right you can see something that says Flat Mode or Threaded. If you click on it when it says threaded it will put it in Flat Mode. You can click on your profile to change it too asa well as how many threads you can see on a page...like over 30.

It sounds like your H has lost his faith and is backsliden. He may have had a revenge EA or PA.

If you can afford it at all try to get a counseling session with Steve Harley. It is expensive..but worth it from every thing we've heard here. See if your H is willing to do it with you. Otherwise, find a pro-marriage counselor locally. Have you tried to counsel with your pastor? Is your pastor someone your H respects? I would think your number one hope for restoring your marriage is for your H to regain his faith and trust in the Lord.

Maybe, if you haven't already done so, make an appointment with your pastor first and tell him your story...then see if your H will meet with him. I would expect your H to refuse at first. Pray about it.

If you can, try and let him know that you desire to have a better marriage than before any of this mess started and you want to be the best wife to him that you can be..that you are 100% committed to your marriage and family. I think you've made mistakes by leaving so many times.

Try to get him believe that you both can have a happier marriage than before the A's. That you want all your children to grow to respect you again as the mother they were meant to have. You want to be honorable and forgiven in their eyes as well as his eyes (as well as God's eyes if you have truly repented and asked). You would like you both to be able to move forward with a clean slate but that it will take some work on both your parts.

Wishing you all the best.

Trix

Well, it may not really matter. You betrayed your Husband not ONCE.....but twice.....this is sometimes more than any man can handle. Now, it doesn't really matter what your reasons were for cheating (again), it happened. You can't change the past, only the future. You have some serious issues if you would do this kind of thing and risk your family's well being. SO you need help, I hope you acknowledge that.

Eventually as you "heal" and recover yourself from the demons that allowed you to do this to your family, you are going to need to be forgiven. I think if your BH continues to make you die a thousand deaths for this, you are gonna have some decisions to make.


You cannot MAKE your H want to recover your marriage. You have committed the ultimate marriage crime....NOT once, BUT twice. You have to find out what it is inside you that allowed you to do this. That is the first priority for you today.

Goodluck.

LM