This is my first time posting here, and I'm hoping someone can offer some advice. I am 25 years old, and I have been married for just over two years. My wife is 23. We are currently seperated. Here's why. About 4 years ago, I began having serious anxiety issues, to the point that I was house bound and could not work or drive. My wife "J", began to take care of the finances, as we were living together before we were married. She also began to take care of most everything else. If something needed to be done around the house, I was usually too sick to deal with it. Eventually, it became a routine, and as I learned how to deal with anxiety, made little effort to change the "comfortable" situation. Eventually, I began going out again, and she would stay at home and watch tv as a way to unwind after work. We began spending less time together, until we realized it was a problem and I started staying home more. On top of all of that, when I was going through all of the anxiety, I was pretty irritable, as I was angry about what was going on with me. I already had a bad temper, and this made it worse. We never had any problems physically, but had some pretty heated arguments. She carried all of these things around for a year, before she decided that it was time to go talk to my parents about it. I resented having to do this, and was little help during that conversation. After a month or so, she said she was tired of it and couldnt do it anymore. I told her things would change and I would do my part and be more pleasant to be around. The problem is though, that because of this routine, nothing changed. A year passed until she threw in the towel a week and a half ago. She is now living with her parents. I am living at our home. She said that she wanted a divorce and that I would have to accept that. After some talking she said that she would consider therapy and that we would stay just seperated. Today I met her for coffee, and we talked about it all for the first time since the initial conversation. She told me that she didn't know what she wanted, and that she still had feelings for me, but that a lot of the love had been affected by the problems that we had. She also said that she was going to counseling because she didnt want people to judge her for not going. This hurt because I had a little hope thinking that she was willingly going to counseling to help solve this, but now I'm not so sure. She says that she's not sure that counseling will help the way she feels. So my question is how can I make this work? I am dead serious about changing, and am ready to step up to the plate, and do my part to make this marriage work, but I fear I'm too late. How can I rekindle that love that I pray is still somewhere within her. I love her so much, and can't imagine a life without HER, not all of the things she did to keep us afloat practically. I think I have identified the problem, but really dont know how I got here, and how I can save this. My heart is broken and the people around me love us very much but can't say very much because they are outsiders and can only offer so much advice. Is there a chance? I don't understand women, and cannot tell if she is moving towards divorce or if there is a chance and she is not letting me see it right now. I apologize for the long winded disorganized post, but my powers of clarity and organization really arent at there best right now.

Reading this post sent chills down my spine.

Man, unfortunately I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I am 20 years old and my wife is 19 - we've been married for almost two years. In the beginning of our relationship everything was perfect, nothing went wrong. We always stayed up late talking about how excited we were for our futures together and promised each other that if we got married we would NEVER get divorced. We went into the marriage knowing that we were young and that it wasn't going to be easy; but I don't think we were either prepared for how hard it was really going to be. A week before we got married, my wife was diagnosed with a life long illness that required a lot of money to treat as was it life threatening. We fought threw that ordeal, got married and began married life very well. Everything was looking up; we started university together, had our own apartment, and were looking forward to the rest of our lives together. Then it happened...I was diagnosed with an unknown heart condition and found out I was going to need medicine for the rest of my life. Although the doctors eventually pinpointed the problem as high blood pressure, they couldn't pinpoint a cause. Unforunately, at the time, I was the kind of person who gets extremely worried about my health, especially since because before I met my wife, my life was empty. After I met her, I had something to live for; and more importantly something to lose. Fearing for my safety put me into a deep depression. The depression devoured me man - I began to stay up late at night on the computer and let my wife go to bed alone, or I would tell her I was coming to bed in a minute, then wouldn't come to bed for hours. This in turn messed up our schedules and most of the time I was sleeping when she was awake. Then I began to get irritable, I'd yell over the stupidest things and my temper began to get the best of me. I began to call her things I didn't mean and I began to hate myself as a person. It was a spiral that kept getting deeper. As I began to see that I was hurting her by calling her names, I began to get more depressed. I stopped going to church, I quit my job, and I began to shorten the long emails and letters I would write her during the day while she was gone into emotionless "I love yous". As things got worse, she ended up with all of the responsibilty - doing work around the house while I just sat around, she would get lonely because I wouldn't always spend time with her - or I'd act like spending time with her was a hassle.

To this day I still don't understand WHY i acted like that. I love her more than anything I've EVER known - hence why I married her. It was the weirdest thing, and I wish I knew why I acted the way I did. I used to drop EVERYTHING for her, nothing in the world was more important to me than her. Then I got depressed and its like she didnt even exist (to an extent). We tried to fix things, and for a few weeks they looked up, but then they would go back to the way things were. I don't know why I felt it was so hard to help around the house - it doesn't take that much effort to do dishes or pick up after myself. I don't know why I acted like spending time with her was a burden, after all she is the best thing to ever happen to me - having her with me and spending time with her makes me complete inside. Its like I was possessed, almost like I was a different person.

Then it happened...she grew so far apart from me that she left. Only a month ago we were dreaming of a family - and now I'm stuck here alone wondering why the hell I acted the way I did, hating what I've done to her and to us. We were perfect; we deserved to be together, and I stopped holding up my end of the bargain. The worst part is, is that I don't even know WHY i did. I never did any of it intentionally, and I never meant to hurt her. I've always wanted more than anything for her to be happy in life, and for us to start a family together; but I didn't act like it, even though I felt it. It was never that way in the beginning; and ironically enough, I loved her more when I was ignoring her than I had ever loved her in my life.

I've started counseling again hoping that I can find answers to why I did that - I pray everynight that God will give me another chance with her - because I know, this horrible feeling of knowing that I damaged the best thing to ever happen to either of us (at the time) is tearing me apart. I'll never be complete without her; and knowing the backstory which I won't go into, makes the guilt even worse.

Today when I talked to her on the phone, she seemed very irritated because, although I was trying my hardest for it to seem otherwise, everything I said made it sound like I was trying to get her to come back. I know I've changed - but I don't know how to prove it to her. I know that if we got back together I would be the man I was when we first got married; I feel it in my heart. I've started going to church again and I have a job now - but I'm terribly scared that its too late.

I'm trying for now just to be her friend, but its so hard to just be a friend after 2 years of intimate contact and expression as a couple. Don't feel alone in this situation man - there are others like you out there going through the exact same thing. I've learned so much about myself as a person in the last year and a half - I just pray it won't be at the expense of the best thing to ever happen to me..our marriage.

The one thing that we both need to realize unfortunately, is that marriage takes two people - and even if we are willing to now, remember that we weren't always able to in the past - and if, like then - they arent able to do their part, like we werent able to do ours - then it will never work. More than anything I just hope that she's happy in everything she does. And before I can make her happy again, I need to fix myself - which is what I'm doing. I've already seen so many changes in myself; I've stopped worrying about my blood pressure, I WANT to go get jobs, I WANT to be a dad, I WANT to be the best husband I can be; its like I have a drive in my heart to be a great father and dad - I wish it hadn't come so late. Unfornately eye opening experiences sometimes need something as serious as separation (or heaven forbid worse) to impact a person's heart enough to change. For me - it was her taking my ring. She hasn't filed for divorce yet, and is currently contemplating my plea to wait 6 months before making any decisions we might regret, I hope she agrees. As far as her coming back, that's her choice. All I can do is on my end of the deal, and right now I'm doing everything in the world possible. The rest is in God's hands.

I hope this helps put things in perspective. If you need to, PM me. I'd love to talk about this - as I'm sure you're just as worried about losing the girl you love as I am.

-A

Guys, I hope you will do some reading here on this site. Read about Love Busters (LB), Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), Emotional Needs (EN), and everything else. Read His Needs, Her Needs which you may be able to get at your local public library if you can't afford to buy it. See if your wife will complete the EN questionnaire with you.

GET COUNSELING. I think partners need to start with individual counseling and then begin marital counseling. The reason for this is that, by the time you reach this point (usually), both partners are broken individuals and must be repaired befor the marriage can be repaired - much like a mechanic can't fix a broken car if all the parts he puts in are slso broken.

If you are depressed or overly anxious, seek medical care. The county in which you live probably has a community mental health program that may be more affordable than private practice. There is situational depression and clinical depression. If you have situational depression and the situation becomes an ongoing thing, you can develop clinical depression from the unrelenting task of trying to cope. (I know. I've been there. And there is NOTHING wrong with asking for help. In fact, it is often considered a sign of strength.)

Remember, women don't like men who are too desperate. But they do like men who will admit they are flawed and are willing to work on themselves.

I am very anxious as far as reading the articles on this site is concerned. I would read them now but I've got work in a little bit and I don't want to push it. Yesterday I read the article on why women leave men and it really opened my eyes. I wish I had known about this site before things went so far downhill.

As far as getting my wife to fill out the EN questionnaire and counseling, I don't know what to do. I brought up the idea of counseling on the phone yesterday to her and she just seemed really irritated and said something to the effect of "its too late," or "why is it that you never try to get help until I've left". I think she's very hesistant to try coming back, probably out of fear that things will just end up the way they were again - I know they won't because I'm getting help now (which i should have gotten earlier) but its all a matter of her willingness to give help a try.

I told her that even if she wasn't willing to go to counseling I am, because I will be the first to admit that I need help in the marriage and help for myself because I do have a lot of problems that aren't good for our marriage; but it the same respect, I've seen the purely incredible happiness we are capable of generating together - when we click on the same page, its like a magic I never knew existed before we met.

My wife said she hates talking to me on the phone because she feels like everytime I call her I'm just begging her to come back (which isn't necessarily the case all of the time, although it obviously is going to be an underlying factor because I am still deeply in love with her); so we really only talk over e-mail. Sooner or later we have to get together again in person so we can go over separation or (hopefully not) divorce papers.

I want to be here for her always, and I'm trying to prove to her that what is best for her is what will make me happy and what I want; but I also feel like although I did hurt her before, she hurt me in many ways too - but I'm the only one trying to fix things now. I did suggest counseling a few months ago, and each time we went to go, our timing was off (they were closed) so we ended up pretty much forgetting about it. Its not like I havent put ANY effort into this before; but I will admit I could have tried harder. We do deserve to at least give us a shot after actually trying counseling and reading articles on this site (which we hadn't tried before).

Suggestions as to how I should approach her about doing these things? Or should I just back off and let her come to me (if she even will).

I start counseling next week, so I'm very confident about things on my end. Now its just a matter of putting it all in God's hands I guess.

-Sincerely,
A

I definately know where you are coming from Fox0r. I don't know how I got into this cycle of behavior, but looking back I can't believe that that's the person I've turned into. And all along, like you, I never meant for it to be that way. Thanks for the advice Cinderella. The one thing I am beginning to figure out is that J's mind works far differently than mine does. I don't want to push her, but I feel as though I am being consumed by loneliness while she is surrounded by her family for support and distraction. My best friend is really the only one I can talk to at great length and he does his best to hang out with me, but it's not a void that can be filled by just anyone. I just have to figure out the best approach for dealing with this "seperation time" so that it can yield the highest possibility for positive results. When a woman says she needs time, what are the rules? How much communication is helpful to the process?

“””I feel as though I am being consumed by loneliness while she is surrounded by her family for support and distraction.”””

First, comparisons are no value here, so don’t compare yourself to anyone. Second, having something to consume seems to be something you thrive upon whether it’s loneliness or anxiety, so take what you have and work with it. Become consumed in recovery of yourself as a person and your marriage. If you’re not already in counseling, make an appointment today. Read all the information on this site, pay particular attention to the communications and eliminate all love busters and disrespectful judgments from any conversation with your wife. Learn about Plan ‘A’ and work it flawlessly. Do your best to identify her top emotional needs and consistently meet them in anyway that she will let you. Put all relationship talks on the back burner.

Let’s face it, you’ve showed her through your actions how you went from the man she married to whatever it is you became through your illness. You left the marriage for years. You cannot talk your way back in. She likely has erected high walls and is very leery of your true ability to change. Therefore you must show her in how you live and how you interact with her on a daily basis of who you are and what direction your life is going. It’s very important that you remove any unattractive behaviors such as begging, pleading, crying, etc. from your interactions with her, it would be easy for her to leave someone like that but much harder to leave a positive, caring, and “together” man.

“””I just have to figure out the best approach for dealing with this "separation time" so that it can yield the highest possibility for positive results.”””

See above…….