Can someone please explain this to me, as I must be just a friggen idiot.

In our talks, this comes up alot. I just don't get it. If it wasn't about the sex, then why have it. Am I this ignorant???

This seems to be one of my biggest issues!

Since it wasn't about the sex, I assume that your wife told OM that she was committed to her marriage and would remain faithful to her vows of forsaking all others. Then she refused to have sex with him, and returned home to you.

Is that correct?

edited for gender

hurtnheart: I'm having a little trouble understanding. What "wasn't about the sex"? Could you provide some more details?

Thanks...

HNH & B !

I heard this too from Squid. Having read up I believe it too.

Squid and OM felt such huge attraction to each other they just NEEDED to consummate it.

I am sure average SF is rendered magnificent by the wrongness of it in an affair, but with Squid is really was the 'companionship' and specialness. The SF just made it even more special for her.

She doesn't think much about her affair was special now, FWIW.

Has she said what if was about?

I can guess: the excitement, the boost to the ego, she felt alive and more attractive than she had in a while...if was addictive...like a drug...all those 'good' feelings. Even if it wasn't the actual sex act...the feelings of sexual tension probably plays a part in it.

Of course, she can always says he's fun for her, or they have so much in common, so much to talk about...

Something needs to break the spell of the fantasy aspect of A's. Usually, it starts with exposure.

I think some people would say it's not about the sex and mean it..
it was about the feelings...
the feeling of being admired
the feeling of being special
the feeling of being interesting and charming
the feeling of being different from others...

some guys find this difficult to understand..in the way that sex is a primary communcation tool...

some women have not as much interest in the sexual actions...as they ponder and dream about the flirty emotional actions..she may be telling you that is what she liked....

ark

If the question is "What does WS mean when he says "it wasn't about the sex", then:

Some WS don't get into an A just "for the sex". The WS has some ENs not being met within the M, and then finds someone to help meet those needs. (There are lots of purely EAs that occur.)

My A didn't start "because of the sex", although that was all there was at the end. I became emotionally involved with OW at first. The relationship became sexual, and then over time devolved into being "only about the sex".

When the A became "only about the sex", then (finally) I was able to end the A.

Hi BP, we have a lot in common. I could have written what you wrote above.

I KNOW for a fact the sex is better at home. We kept having it during the A, for one. He even let positive comparisons slip (while in the A!) for two. It was exactly as Bob describes it. They thought their friendship was so special that they continued the intimacy of their conversations with the excitement of sex. It's a very natural extension of that kind of intimacy, it's human nature. When someone shows you so much admiration and attention you want to do something intimate and pleasurable for/with them.

H thinks very badly of her now that sees her for the selfish destructive vulgar individual she is.

H is being Radically Honest with me now, H is busy setting everything right, he is honoring me, cherishing me, he is allowing himself to transform into an honorable man, the man who he is at his core.

I know that this is the hardest and most painful battle of your life, but try to give your WS the opportunity to become the man or woman you can admire most in the world. That's what OP gave them that was so irresistible. WS has a foundation of real love for us BSs. Let us give them that gift of admiration so they can blossom for us.

I for one will not let some floozy make off with my wonderful husband.

From the movie "The Incredibles"



Swords

Being new to the board and on both sides of playing field, I can say on my own infidelities that sex was not the issue. As a woman it usually is not about sex more about the emotional support. Given in easier than abandoning it. I always tell my H that it was never them, it was always about them being him, just a stunt double. I always wanted it to be my H, never anybody else. My soul was never sold to anyone but my H. I wanted so desparately to forget that my soul was hurting from the lack of emotional support my H did not give me and what better way then to be vulnerable to someone else. Fall from grace as it were. And this is only my perception of it.

That seems to be where my H was when he ended it.

Swords

10swords: At the end of my A, it was "I like you, you like me, this relationship isn't going anywhere, let's have sex."

The OW had gone from an "addiction" to a "habit". At that point, ending the A was not hard at all. One year earlier, nothing could have stopped me from seeing OW.

Again, Jimmy Mac, that is exactly where my H seemed to be. In fact, I never believed he was having an A, though he was acting very strangely. I just couldn't believe he would ever do that. He confessed, and when he confessed, he said "I've been having sex, but it was just sex, and you should be ok with it, because you don't care about me, and you have a better body anyway."

Eventually I found out about the months of Emotional Intimacy, and care. The sex was a bi-product of the emotionally intense friendship, and when that petered out, the sex was not good enough to keep the R together.

B, the anwser is no to all your questions.

JM, W had ONS with coworker. When we discuss things she always says it's wasn't about the sex. and my questions is if it wasn't, then why did you do it? and I get no real answer. I can almost understand the needing/wanting to talk to someone that understood her, but the sex thing.. ahgg.

I know I wasn't meeting her EN,(I am now)?? She has told me most of what I want to know.

We are doing well over all, had a fantastic weekend as a family and couple.

The hardest part for me is just the physcological part of the A. We are in MC which seems to be ok for the most part. (don't get alot of the homework done) mostly a time thing.(2 older teens)

I am reading my a$$ off, she, not so much. some but not what I would like.

Bob P. Thanks again for all. you are great support and can answer or at least point me in the right direction mentally when I need you.

Just sometimes,like this question, I just get flustered and I don't want to step back so I post here. with everybodys POV, it helps figure things out.

Okay - So it was a ONS. She must quit her job.

B. She has quit her job. Has had no contact for 4 mos now. Like I said, it is mostly the physcological part of the A that gets me down now. We still have some issues, but are getting better at dealing with them.