Don’t really need advice, just need to express what I feel. I consider myself a caring, unselfish, supportive, and encouraging husband. I “know” I am a caring, unselfish, supporive, and encouraging dad. I married my wife when her son was 8 years old. I had a father-figure relationship with him since he was 5 years old, and never considered him my “step” son, but my son…period. I took the training wheels off his bike, I taught him to tell time, I taught him to swim, I taught him his times-table, I taught him how to play basketball. When I married his mom, everyday after work we went to the basketball court and the playground, I read with him everyday for at least 30 minutes to get him on grade level, Iwent to the PTAs, I took off work to volunteer on class field trips, I went to the school counselor to find out ways to improve his grades, I told him where babies come from, he came to me to find out how to kiss a girl. I AM dad.
The problem – his mother was/is not MOM. It seemed as though once we got married, she “gave” all responsibility of parenting solely to me. She rarely disciplined him, she left that to me (either in taking away privileges, or corporal – please, I did not abuse him, he doesn’t feel abused, that’s another topic). I gave him chores and responsibilities. I was the one who made sure he did them. I made sure his homework was done, etc. She seemed scared to do anything that would get him upset – she left all that to me. Would not be that much of a problem, except she did “mother” him by “helping” him with his responsibilities – she wouldn’t allow him to do any of his tasks completely by himself, no matter how much I tried to explain to her he needs to learn responsibility.
Fast forward six years – he’s now 14 and lazy! He doesn’t finish anything! It’s his job to wash the dishes - I buy the food, I or his mother cooks the food, he can put the food away and wash the dishes and wipe down the kitchen. His mother NEVER let him do it all by himself. When I told him last week that part of washing the dishes is wiping down the kitchen – the first thing he said was, “My mom does that!”
I tried to teach him to use the internet to paste pictures and e-newspapers/e-magizine articles into his class reports. His mom would go out and buy the local paper for him to use sciccors and glue – because he didn’t want to use the computer, although it looks much more professional to type it in Word and insert pictures and articles.
I can go on, but you get the point. Now that he’s 14, and only has 3 years left before he graduates high school, I have a real problem with him and his mother. Just up until 2 years ago, he asked for “help” in openning a 2-liter soda bottle, and dipping ice-cream, because it was too tight, and the ice-cream too hard! His mother sided with him, telling me that I do put the top on too tight (yet she’s able to open it – makes no sense). I tried to teach him to change a tire – he cried! the whole time. He loses his house key at least 3 times a year – his mother makes excuses for him saying that NO teenager thinks about keeping up with a key (makes me wonder about ever letting him borrowing the car when he’s old enough to drive).
Everything I tried to teach him, his mother gave no help instilling it – but would sometimes give excuses for him. Now she’s seeing the result of HER inability to parent, and the result of her blocking my efforts.
My wife and I had 2 more sons. One just turned 3, and the other just turned 5. I’m teaching them responsibility now – something I tried to get my wife to do with her oldest son when he was five (when we were just dating – I had but so much time and input at the time). I told my wife that every Saturday morning the 5 and 3 year old will go will get up with me 7:00am to get the wash done, vacuum the car, wash the car, go to the store, check the car fluids, run any errands, volunteer at a convelescent home for about half hour, and see if their grandmother needs help with anything. Eveything should be done by 11:30, and the rest of the day can be spent doing whatever they wanted. My wife had the nerve to ask why I’m not including our oldest son. I told her I’ve been trying for the past 6 years, but she made null all my efforts! So now that I’m teaching the younger two, she says I’m excluding the oldest child. I was honest with her – I don’t want the oldest boy to come because I don’t want his attitude to affect the other two. I’m going online with the 3 and 5 year old looking for pictures of Clifford the Big Red Dog, Blues Clues, Bob te Builder, and other children’s characters and saving them and having them insert the pictures in Word. I’m teaching them to use Movie Maker to put the pictures in a slideshow with music in the background. I’m showing them other things (you get the point). Everything I’m doing with them I tried to do with the oldest, but, again, I got no help instilling anything from mom – just the oppisite, she allowed/encouraged him NOT to do the things I tried to show him. Now that I’m spending more time with the toddlers showing and teaching them things, she had the audacity to say I’m that although I’m in the home, I’m an absentee father to the teenager. I treat the toddlers the same as I do the teenager. My 4 year old (at the time) asked me to ask the McDonld’s clerk for the free very small kids sized ice cream cone. I told him if he wants it, then he asks for it, otherwise, we’re leaving – he asked. When a group of older kids starting playing with his ball in the park, I told him to go get it – the first time he asked, he was polite, but they ignored him; he came running back to me, I told to go back and get his ball, this time not being polite at all, he came back with the ball. The toddlers pick up their own clothes, clean up their own mess, etc. You get the point.
I’m struggling. My mind wants to give up even trying to teach the oldest anything, but my “dad” nature won’t let me – so it comes out half-way and insincerely showing him things, which I’m sure he’s picked up on. I’m having resentfull feelings towards my wife for not allowing me to teach/train/mold the oldest – he’s too lazy to walk 15 minutes to Blockbuster to rent a movie (got mad because I wouldn’t drive him, although I gave him the money). My wife positioned herself to be the good mother who shares in her son’s “unfair” treatment. Even now he sees himself as a male version of Cinderella. Now that I’m training/teaching/molding the toddlers, she claims to see the error she made with the oldest, and asked if I couldn’t forgive her. I don’t know.
