My husband and I joined in a marriage of honor because we got pregnant 4 years ago. I can't say we were in "love" with eachother but we wanted to work it out. We both love our son, no question. But like so many other men I've seen post here, he has become increasingly angry towards me. And when I let him know how much it hurts me, he says he hates himself for it but doesn't think it will change. He thinks he will continue to go "up and down".

I asked him to go to counseling. He's native Japanese and I'm Japanese-American so I even found Japanese-speaking therapists. But he refused because there is a strong stigma against counseling because, as he puts it "counseling is for people with a mental problem." I don't feel that way because counseling is an acceptable form of avoiding divorce in America. I've also asked him to read "His Needs, Her Needs" but he initially refused. With all my options to improve the quality of our marriage turned down, we have made the decision to divorce. Then he turns around and says he will try to read the book with me.

There are many more details to the story, but my main concern is this... After reading most of "His Needs, Her Needs" I find that a recurring theme is "trying to regain the love that you once had for eachother when you married." But like I said, we didn't have that foundation. I think all the other concepts of meeting eachother's emotional need is the same, but without that "memory" of love, I fear he won't have the motivation to "try". I am willing to try for the sake of our son but need him to meet me halfway.

Skyinqueens,

I believe there is still hope because honor is also a good starting place in a relationship. If there is mutual honor and respect, I believe your marriage can grow in love. Respect is the foundation of love. If both parties are willing to give and learn and grow together then there is hope. I wish you the best. God bless!

Thank you, Leah2be. You acknowledge what we believed in the beginning, that ours was not unlike an arranged marriage, that could grow into a long and loving union.

But now, four years later, we're on the verge of divorce. I've asked him to get "His Needs, Her Needs" in Japanese and I'm already reading it in English. My next issue with what I'm reading, however, has to do with the "meeting the sexual need".

As Dr. Harley says, each couple is unique. I am the one with the need for sexual intimacy but my husband seems the opposite. We didn't have sex during pregnancy, though I was open to the idea, and he says that watching the delivery of our child was traumatic for him. Now it makes him physically ill when I even attempt to initiate sex. We haven't had much intercourse since... and it has been four years. And I'm confident it is not that I'm physically unattractive.

I was able to put up with it the first three years because he was still affectionate to me. But this last year, while planning and executing a move across the country for his work, he has been overly stressed and directing his anger on me which also resulted in less affection.

I guess I've reached a breaking point and want the divorce, citing his anger, sexual dysfunction and refusal to do anything about it as the cause. That is, he's refused going to marriage counseling with me and completely refuses to talk about his sexual dysfunction with me.

I mean, is that fair of me to expect a marriage without fear and with some physical intimacy? Or am I just being totally insensitive about his problem?

Skyinqueens,

I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to get back with you. I can relate to much of your frustration. I also struggled with the lack of physical intimacy in our marriage. H was reluctant to get help in this area.

I came to the point of deciding I either needed to accept what was or I would need to pursue a divorce. I decided to stay and make the best of the situation for our girls sake. I tried to just think of H as a roomate. It was a constant struggle. In time the decision was removed from me.

My H decided he wanted a divorce. One additional factor is that it appears there is someone else in his life. He denies everything and just says she is a co-worker but there is mounting evidence to the contrary.

So that is how are story has ended for the time being. Not what I wanted at all but something I'm trying to accept. Everything in me longed for a intimate, loving marriage.... a family unit that was strong and faithful. That is not what I have. I'm trying to give all my hopes and dreams over to God and let it go.

I'm sorry for the pain you bear. I only hope and pray your marriage experiences a different outcome than mine. Hopefully, your H will be motivated to seek help and to stay together with you and your son. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you, Leah2be. I thought I was the only one who had such a situation. It seemed so backwards to me.

Well, I calmly told my husband that we can either go towards divorce or reconciliation. If towards divorce, I can make it happen. If towards reconciliation, he needs to be totally on board with me. He just said he wanted to talk about it later and we haven't talked for days now. He just stays late at work and manages to avoid me. Yes, just like roommates.

I totally understand your decision to stick it out for your daughters. I feel the same way about my son. But I also know that I am not happy as a W. And I know the happier I am, the happier my son is. With my husband's avoidance of me, I am tempted to just make the decision and get the paperwork started so I may continue my grieving process and get on a path towards happiness.

I hope the best for you and your daughters as well.

Hi Skyinqueens,

I can't tell you how many times I struggled with the idea of divorce and what would be better for the girls. I could write both pros and cons to either situation. I do know that even though I tried to accept the "Roomate Marriage", it was an extremely frustrating situation because I longed for so much more.

You are right about the fact of our happiness or lack thereof greatly affecting our children's well being. For me, there was the added stress of dealing with H's lack of faithfulness in the past and the constant question of his present commitment. All of that certainly affected my attitudes, words and actions.

I think now that he has made the decision and it is out of my hands, it gives me the freedom to move forward knowing I did all I could to keep our marriage together. I am hoping once we adjust to all the turmoil of our present situation happier times will be ahead for everyone. I do think the girls will have the advantage of a mother who is at peace and not in constant inner-struggle. That is my hope!

I can totally appreciate you wanting to just move forward. Your husbands lack of response is a response in and of itself. Living with the anger that results from constant rejection is a huge drain. I wonder if you making a move towards divorce would be the wake up call your husband needs to get moving. And if not, perhaps it's just an acknowledgement of what is already happening. Just a thought.

I hope things turn around soon for you. Please keep in touch and let the folks here be a support to you. Keep looking up.

Hi Leah2be,

Yes, I keep telling myself, a happy mom means a happy child. I could tell that our 3 year old has been affected by the tension in our marriage.

Actually, since we have initially talked about divorce, my H has been a lot more calmer towards me. There is still no affection but at least he isn't the angry man he used to be. So that is a change in the right direction.

Right now, I'm debating if I should stick it out with him or move on. The main obstacle I'm faced with right now is our finances. I've been a SAHM for the past four years. We cannot afford to live separately unless I have a full time job with a comparable salary to his. And if I do have a full-time job, it is tempting to stay with him because our income would have doubled.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is hard to dare to imagine a life without him. And hard not to dream about a life with him. But something has to change.