My lawyer called me this morning and told me that my STBX's lawyer has cancelled the depositions. My STBX's lawyer filed to go straight to a trial and the judge ordered us into mediation. I'm a little confused as to why my STBX would want to go straight to trial. Maybe he thinks he will get what he wants....not sure.

My question is this......
My son has not met the OW but my STBX keeps trying to push it. I know that once we are divorced that I have no control over my son being around the OW. I just don't know how to handle this. I don't want my son around this woman and I feel so helpless. How did any of you deal with this? Should I go to therapy? I'm truly worried that I will lose it the first time he's around her. I just don't know how to deal with this.

~ edited ~

Wish I could offer some real help.

I can't imagine what you're going thru.

Sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Tree.

My kids will have to meet my WH's MOW in mid August. They will be 10 and 14 at the time. They know about the affair and why their father left. WH thinks the kids will adjust quickly and like her. They'll be a happy little family and go to Disneyland for the weekend the first time they're together (he actually said this). WH and I won't even been divorced at the time, neither will MOW and her husband!

It really sucks, doesn't it? I don't know what to tell you. I'm not sure how to handle it myself. I just wanted to offer sympathy and support.

If you find a good way to help yourself deal with it, will you let me know?

Well, you are going to have to come to some sort of realization that it will happen eventually...have you talked to your son about this? Ask him how he feels about meeting her...

I would highly recommend you go to therapy...and put your son into it as well!

Your son will always know that you are his mom and no one can replace that...Let him decide for himself how to deal with it...

I asked my son last night about this same thing...because strangly enough I HAVE accepted the fact that they will be meeting her...but I am stronger and able to deal with that...and I DO KNOW that my children cant stand her...my son told me he did want to meet the OW...I aasked him why he wanted to meet her and he said cuz he wanted to beat her up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

UMMMM, OOOOKKKKKKAAAAYYYY! So, I tried to explain that although I understand his feelings about wanting to do this, but he can get into a lot of trouble...I told him he should be polite but he could say whatever he wanted to her...He said he hates her for taking his daddy away...

I explained to my son that we will all be just fine and we are doing better each day...we are having a good time and dealing with things...He said he wans't ready just yet to meet her, but he does want to someday, so he can beat the crap out of her!

I cant answer your questions regarding the lawyer stuff...but you are going to have to come to the conclusion that the OW will be a part of your sons life...you dont have to like it, but put yourself above it all...act like an adult! and reassure your son you will always be there for him!

Tree, this sure is a challenge, a big one.

I remember not so long ago, as part of her mediation with the tinman (WH/OM), car4love (BS) had to deliver her daughter and infant son to the front door of the Death Star and hand them over with the sparrow (OW/WW) prowling in the background. Devastating.

My sympathies. It's a horror show.

GC

I do know that I have to accept that my son will meet OW. I have talked to my son about it and he doesn't want to meet her. He feels that she is the one that took his daddy away and made him leave us behind. I just don't know how I'm going to handle it all. I get so angry just thinking about it. MY STBX's family just seems to think all of this is ok....it makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm going to try to deal with this like an adult and try my best to be the bigger person. It's going to really test me though.

Tree, it will test you. Almost no matter what you do, you will be accused of brainwashing him, telling him his father is an a-hole. Every BS with children is made the target of this accusation.

GC

I'm sure you are right GC. My son told me today that he doesn't understand why my STBX's family isn't nice to me. He said you didn't do anything wrong mom. That showed me that he see's for himself what's going on. I just hate that he has to go through all of this garbage. My STBX doesn't even care that my son doesn't want to be around this OW. That really angers me..
I just hope God will give me the strength to deal with this stuff.

Tree,

I don't know if this will help or not but....

Kids Know.

They just do.

Yes, you will be "brainwashing" your son no matter if you do nothing. We are all accused of it by our WS's, it is easier to call us a-holes than to take one shred of responsibility for their actions.

My 2 oldest kids have nothing to do with EX, and my 2 younger kids only go because they are young and don't have the courage yet to voice there feelings to her.

Oh yeah, my EX took my kids around MOM 2 months after she moved out and we were still "reconciling"...her words? "They might as well get used to it and once they know him they'll love him"
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Quite the opposite has happened and it is all my fault of course.

BTW, it has been 19 months and my WWXW's OM is still married.

Good Luck Tree, just remember you have taken the high road and in the end your son will know that. My kids do and so will yours. It isn't a competition but the more your WH forces the situation the more your son will see things for what they are.

RebornMan

Tree

Its a nightmare scenario. Gray verbalised it just right.

DAMN your SBTXWH for putting Cam through this !

Now you may have noticed tree I am not much help in your sitch. I think your STBXH has real personality issues.

And I think he has behaved just about as badly as a WH possibly could.

Fortunately Tree you are stronger and nicer than I am.

I would probably make sure my son knew how I hated what OW had done and that every attempt at 'niceness' from her towards my son during visits was a false attempt to make sure our family remained split.

But you are too decent for that. You would NEVER use your son in this war.

You will just make sure that Cam knows your loathing for this woman, and disappointment in his dad.

And let him make up his own mind.

And you will be wounded and gashed when Cam's innate decency allows him to enjoy spending time with his dad, and he will eport nice times spent with them.

But you will love him.

I'm so sorry trish. This is horrible. Your man is a total jerk.

{{{{tree}}}}

Don't you have an RO against the OW and doesn't that cover your son as well? If not, what will it take to make it to include your son?

L.

Hi TR:

Popped in for my quarterly peek @ GQ2 and see that you're facing another issue. DD13 is going through same thing, which is slightly different because I believe that your son is younger. (Correct?)

This is a very complex situation, made worse by the fact that our ex's "believe" that all is well with our kids and they will be as happy with OP as they are with you. I suppose it has to do with fog, but they simply don't get the damage this does to our kids. So, basically you're still dealing with a self-serving idiot.

DD13 has and is running the gamut of emotions and is in counseling. (I highly recommend that you do the same with DS - only after you do a personal "screening" of each counselor.) It's important for DS to be able to talk to objective person who is trained in these situations. Remember that DS is being told that OW is wonderful and the "new" family will be great... So he will need an objective ear.

Also: Despite the fact that infidelity means nothing in divorce court, it can in child-custody hearings. (Which is why I think WS has backed off on depositions. He is beginning to realize his position is not as secure as he once thought!) If it's proven (by counselor, ad litem, etc.) that DS is or will be detrimentally affected by WS's relationship, actions are available. Problem is, all of this is subjective by the judge.

Lastly & most important: You're still stinging from this - which is only natural. Please find a counselor for yourself to help you deal. This will in turn aid your ability to help DS deal. You hate everything about OW and DS senses this. Now DS also has to deal with the knowledge that his Mommy can hate so much. So please consider finding yourself someone with experience in these issues to talk to. You'll be the better for it.

Sorry that you're still going through all of this. It's a long and uncomfortable process, but you will emerge stronger. Good Luck.

FR

It is all very very sad...the WS THINKS in their own twisted mind that the kids' world will be GREAT just as theirs is once they meet their daddy's/mommy's soulmate <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

They think that kids will be just fine with the fact that their own parent left their mommy/daddy for this OW/OM and the kids should just accept it...The WS does not think rationally...

In the end the only ones hurt are the kids...tragically enough...I, myself, have come to the point that I cannot control what the WS does...if he wants to expose my children, then he has to deal with it...actually I will be dealing with it, but he will get the verbal part and the fussiness about how the kids do not want to be with him because OW is there...etc, etc...

As hard as it IS tree, can you suggest to your WH that YOU be there when your son meets the OW...I may do this myself...I will barf, but I dont want my children exposed to this woman without some protection, cuz God knows their dad wont protect them...

It is a sick situation that we are faced with because our H's have put us here...I only wish I could protect the kids...but as unfortunate as it is, this is his dad, and your son has to see him...makes me so sad...I'm sorry you are going thru this...I can feel your pain...hang in there!

Hi TR,

Well,I am glad that the Depo has been called off.Whatever that was about,bluff or threat,who cares.At least now you don't have to deal with the why's and when's.

As for your son meeting OW,well,I too am bracing myself for that issue.Right now,it's a non issue because even though my WH did attempt recently to talk about the homewrecker in brief to the kids,I told him how inappropriate it was,immoral since we are still technically married and not to do it anymore if only for the sake of his children who were upset at what he was trying to do.If he truly cared for their wellbeing like he claims then he would stop doing that.So far,he stopped.

But,I am sure once the D is over and done he won't waste a moment trying to integrate the homewrecking trash into his family's lives,our children and whomever else to try and legitimize it.Puke.

Anyway,keep talking to your son about his feelings and how wrong it is that this OW will try to be his "friend" etc.I have very strong feelings about OP being anywhere near our children even after a D.I would not expect my girls to be friendly or anything close to the person who helped destroy a marriage and their family.It makes me sick.There will be no acceptance on this front.Yes the girls may have to go with Dad and if the homewrecker is there,well,I will not advocate they even speak to the homewrecker but I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.My girls don't care to ever see or know about the homewrecker so it will be tough down the road dealing with it all.

Just be calm but FIRM in discussing this issue.I don't believe you have to come across as being angry but you definitely should not acquiesce to the situation and not continue to uphold what you believe to be right.What your WH did is just as wrong now as it was in the beginning.Because the two of them(WH and OP) have put the final nail in the coffin doesn't mean anything else has changed regarding your values and belief system and what you want to teach your son.

O

Thank you all for your support and advice!

I got a message from my STBX saying that I have broken my vows because he found out that I went out on a date. How on earth can this man say I broke my vows when he's the one that had an affair and left me and my son??? He's an idiot!!!!!

I talked to my son about being around OW. He doesn't want to meet her. I don't know if I have it in me to be around when he meets OW. I don't know if I'm strong enough for that. I might lose it and punch her. :-)

Tree

Your H is almost certifiable.

I PRAY your journalling all his drivel and dating it for later use ?

Disagree with this...

...and agree with this...


How can the child feel free to make up his own mind, if his mother has taken up a fixed and hostile position, and expects him to agree with her?

These two statements present an unresolvable conflict for the kid. If his mother is effectively asking him to support her by loathing the OW and despising his dad, he is in an impossible position. If there is anything positive about the OW (and hideous though the concept is, Tree's son may find some aspects of her a little likeable), then he can't express them or even acknowledge them around Tree without feeling like a traitor. And as he is still young enough to need Tree for survival, he can't allow himself to feel like a traitor.

I think the fact must be faced that Tree's stbxH does not have the sense to comprehend the position into which he's putting his son. This is a tragedy, but it's a tragedy for Tree's son far more than for Tree or anyone else. So all that can be done is to minimise the damage to Tree's kid.

If I were that kid, I wouldn't want to think that I HAD to respond a certain way to survive in my mum's world. I'd want my mum to be telling me that, although she thought that what my dad was doing was wrong (and his child-conscience will instinctively know this), that this did not mean that I had to hate my dad. I'd want my mum to tell me that, although she thought OW had behaved selfishly and not the way a grown-up should behave, that the OW is not necessarily an out and out witch, and that I should feel free to build whatever relationship I felt comfortable with, with the OW. I would want to feel that my mother understood the dilemma I was in, and supported me.

If I said anything positive about OW or WH, I'd want my mother to be OK with that. I wouldn't want to feel that I'd betrayed her by being seeing something nice about the other two people who ruled my destiny.

The poor kid is in a nightmare. It must not be made into a warzone.

TogetherAlone

TogetherAlone...
I do agree with you. I don't talk badly about my STBX in front of my son. I have had many talks with him about what his dad is doing being wrong. I don't want him to think it's the right thing to do. I always tell him that his dad loves him no matter what. I don't say much about the OW. I have told him how I feel about her and that I don't like her. I realize that I'm going to have to hold my tongue on many issues over time. I'll be honest....it's going to be very hard for me. I usually say what I think and don't hold back. I love my son more than life itself and will do whatever it takes to make sure he grows up in a positive home. I'm hoping that he will realize on his own when he grows up what happened.

Bob....yes...he is certifiable!!!!! He's now telling me that we are still married but are seperated and living seperately. That's a first! He's been telling me for almost a year that we aren't married. I find that very interesting. He's changing his tune now that he's found out that I went out on a date.

Tree

Your stbxH left the planet long ago, and his future looks like a long walk into a snake pit. At least you aren't tied to him by blood! At least you can detach yourself and, in time, not feel that this has much to do with you.

Your son can't.

As a mother, I deeply feel your need to give him guidelines on how adults should conduct themselves, and your desire to position yourself and him firmly on the side of Good. But I think your son's judgement of the situation is probably already formed - as the mess goes on, he is having to work out a way to survive in this new, horrible life landscape. He NEEDS to be able to find his own way without having to distort the path to support you.

This thing about telling him his father loves him...I did that too. After a while, I realised that I had no right to talk for my H; the things he had done showed precious little love for his children, so the kids were likely to be confused by me saying that, and mistrustful of other things I said. So I stopped saying it; instead I reassured them that they would always be supported and loved, because I knew I would do that even if H didn't. Kids look at actions rather than words; they're smarter than us in many ways.

Have you thought how you'll react if your son comes home saying 'OW cooked me a really good pizza, and knew all the Harry Potter books', or something like that? It would drive any woman nuts with anger and pain, but somehow for your son's sake, you have to find a way to make it OK for him to say that, without you 'saying what you think'. Believe me, I know how hard this must be. But your son's path is much harder.

(((Tree)))

TogetherAlone

Tree,

How could he say that?

Uhmmm...cause he's Nuckin' Fut's...that's how


ReborMan