I am new and in need of advice. I have read His Needs... Her Needs and been all over this site. I still cannot get thoughts of a man other than my husband out of my head.

My husband is a wonderful man overall. I DO NOT want to hurt him. I keep trying to figure out what it is I am missing that would even have me thinking of someone else and I can't pin it down. There is just a general dissatisfaction right now. He complains about helping with chores, he wants sex more often than I do and of course gets angry when I am not in the mood, etc., etc. This seems like standard marriage problems to me - easy enough to work through - right?

So why is it that in my mind I have already stepped over that line? I do attend church and firmly believe that I have already committed adultery in my heart even though there has never been the chance of the actual physical act. It is one of the 'normal' other men... a co-worker... that has my brain going double-time. I have considered quitting my job and even looked around pretty seriously for a while, but we are now in a financial situation that prevents me from quitting especially since I am the main breadwinner.

UGH! Even right now - the song that normally makes me think of the other man just happens to be on as I switch from CD to radio.

I told my husband that I have noticed myself having more crushes than I should but that is it. I asked him to read the book with me or on his time - but he never did. Now I am paranoid - possibly because I feel so guilty about my own thoughts - and have been checking his cell phone records and counting our condoms because he has had to work late some nights and also I thought I smelled 'condom' a couple of times when I got home from church. (He used to attend but does not now.) I need good ideas and advice. Things to do or examples to think of when my mind begins to wander that way. The only examples I have right now are two marriages that seem to be working out after an affair. I really don't think that helps me out as far as keeping me from revealing my thoughts to this other man - which I know I would regret because it would be a step toward the end of a friendship and/or the end of a marriage. I also need prayers. Please help.

Welcome to marriage builders. It is a wonderful place to be under the circumstances.

If you truly desire to nip this in the bud, you MUST quit your job. That is the only way - no contact at all. I will congratulate you - you're one of the 1%'ers. There is practically no one that comes here, until AFTER they have been unfaithful, and seen all of the pain it causes. I hope you will keep reading and posting here.

Miss Georgie, It is a good thing you came here first, it shows you really do want to save your M. The first thing you should do is confess your feelings to your H and get into some MC either with a counselor or a pastor. Is there a woman in your church that can be your accountability partner? If you can get another job please do so immediately and send a nc letter to the OM. Have you spoken to OM about your feelings?

Hang in there, we are here for you.

I agree with believer. Also tell your H about your feelings for this guy. Tell who a friend to who can hold you accountable. Trust me. You don't want to act on these feelings. It's not worth it. It's not worth it for yourself. Right now you still have self-worth, self-respect, self-esteem, dignity. You hold your head high. You have only slight guilt. I could go on and on. If you follow through with your thoughts you will lose all of these things, in addition to possibly losing your marriage. turst me. It's not worth the risk. This is a big time wake up call for you and your H. Listen to the people here. They will give you good advice. I only wish I had found MB sooner.

I'm precious

MISSGEORGIE

You are at a crossroads as you know and making the wrong decision will inflict pain on yourself and many others. To be fair to the man you married and love you perhaps should confront him with your deepest thoughts. It is good to know there are people out there that realize their vulnerable and wish to do everything they can to prevent harm before it occurs.

SM

Miss Georgie, there's something that's very important for you to know. If you pursue something with this man, it will change you forever. You will come to view that decision as the point when your life tipped in a new direction, a path full of cruelty and misery. Your regret over that decision will most likely haunt you and torture you.

It's an easy call, really. Crushing on somebody is no big deal. It's normal. I reckon it happens to most married people some time or other. What makes the difference is not whether those feelings appear, but what you do with them.

GC

Pray. Don't just go to church. Now is the time for you to embrace a real living faith--you have a need to avail yourself of God's strength and care for you. Pray. Consider what God wants you to do, and how He thinks of marriage. He doesn't think of the circumstances of each one--he thinks about what He designed it to be.

In the day-to-day, it's good that you are still emotionally connected enough with your husband that you can tell him about crushes in general. Tell him about this specific one, is my advice. About 2/3 of the power of this is that it is a secret.

You've still got something going with your husband--hang onto it. If he won't go to church with you, now is the time for you to start doing something, anything together regularly. Ballroom dancing, a supper club, whatever.

I'm not going to apply my situation and the knowledge of where I went wrong to everyone else's situation, but I will tell you this (having thought about it a lot): I would have been able to avoid getting into an affair if: 1) I had been more mature in my faith 2) there was still connection of some sort at home.

You have an opportunity now in both of these sectors and I pray you'll take it.

MissGeorgie,

I applaud you for coming here and sought help to do the right thing before you went and destroyed your marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You haven’t yet reacted on your feelings, thoughts and attraction towards the OM and because of this I don’t think you necessarily have to quit your job. Yes, you ARE in dangerous territory, but the fact that you haven’t yet allowed yourself to engage in an A and the fact that you decided to seek help before acting on the temptation, is significant and shows that you do have the necessary strength, will-power, awareness, self-discipline (and other qualities) to fight this and to help you get through this without necessarily quitting your job. I know it can be done because I have been there myself.

I see quitting your job as running away from a problem, and by default, not dealing with it. The fact is, there will ALWAYS be attractions between men and women, especially in the workplace where people work closely together all the time… IMO the solution is not to quit a job and run away every time there is a temptation or attraction (then people will be busy changing jobs all the time!), but in stead to exercise honesty and openness with your H, will-power and self-discipline not to act on those attractions and temptations. This is how we mature, grow, become stronger people and learn to control ourselves. The world is full of temptations no matter where we go and how far we're trying to run away from it... You see, you might quit your job today because of the attraction to this co-worker, but in future you might become attracted again to another man in [/i]another[/i] job etc. etc. Must you change your job EVERY time there is an attraction or temptation? How are you going to learn to set boundaries and handle your feelings if you have to run away every time? This is some questions for you to think about.

If you had participated in an A with this man, then you would have given up this right and would be hearing me say quit as well. But as it stands you have a real opportunity here. Read what is on this site as far as Keys to a Good Marriage and what the Policy of Joint Agreement is. The fact is, without an A in the relationship, the principles professed here are just plain smart and useful. That is to say, this site would be great for people just married that have NO bad history yet.

The fact that you feel attracted to this man doesn’t mean you are a weak person who will NOT be able to resist the temptation. You can still control your actions in spite of your feelings, but then you must continue to exercise will-power and self-discipline and you will overcome this. You also need to fight the sinful and adulterous thoughts by “holding every thought captive”. You can do this with the help & strength of God and by focusing your thoughts on everything which is pure, clean, beautiful and acceptable in God’s eyes… You need to pray about this EVERY DAY and fight these thoughts EVERY DAY and EVERY MOMENT if you have to. It’s natural and unavoidable that the OM will pop up in your mind from time to time, but if this happen, don’t dwell on it and focus you thoughts on something else in stead (like your H).

Together with this you also need to end your friendship with the OM and avoid contact with him as far as possible. Keep your distance and keep any contact with him short and to the point and only work related if possible. Don’t engage in any personal talks with him anymore and most importantly, DON’T TELL HIM ABOUT YOUR INAPPROPRIATE THOUGHTS & FEELINGS FOR HIM! Turn to your H and share this with him in stead. It’s very important for you to be honest and open to your H. You need to discuss this problem in it's entirety with your husband. And don't leave anything out. You must disclose what's going on... and POJA a solution with your husband. Honesty and openness in a M and sharing your temptations with your spouse, will also help you not to act on your attractions to the opposite sex. If OM confront you and want to know why you suddenly act so distant towards him, tell him straight that you don’t feel comfortable with being close friends with him anymore because it’s inappropriate for you as a married woman and that your H don’t feel comfortable with it either… Then ask him to back off. But as I’ve said, discuss this with your H and POJA with him on this first. Maybe both of you can sent a letter to OM together. Close opposite sex friendships between married people is a NO-NO anyway and is a potential danger to any marriage. Rather have friends of the opposite sex who are friends of BOTH you and your H and where BOTH you and your H can spend time with the person. I have learned my lesson well and I will not engage in a close opposite sex frienship (where my H is not part of the frienship as well) EVER again!

Here is a post someone (Ark^) sent to me while I was struggling with the exact same thing than you (adulterous thoughts of OM). I’m sure you will the post helpful. Here it is:


Something else I want to share with you. It's from an article about emotional infidelity at work:

HOW TO KEEP TEMPTATION AT ARM'S LENGTH

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. Her Web site is dearpeggy.com. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil, whose Web site, www.makeupdontbreakup .com, features tips for preventing infidelity. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''

* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.

* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''

* Make sure your social network supports marriage. ''Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around,'' Glass says.

HERE is the whole article on emotional infidelity in the workplace (just click on the link). It will also help you to get hold of the Book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

Suzet

Thanks to all who have replied. I really can't quit my job. Fortunately - for my M - we are in a place where we do not really see or talk to each other unless one of us initiates the contact. That is something I can stop - although I feel mean because the OM is completely clueless as to what has been happening in my crazy brain!

On another note - I found some things in the temporary internet files on my home PC that have me concerned. I had mentioned previously that I was paranoid - now I am even more so. There is a month worth of history files from where my H has actively viewed personals websites such as Yahoo personals and match.com on Wed. and Sun. while I am away at church. Am I crazy? Have I pushed him into this by admitting to him the thoughts that I was having? I thought I was trying to save my marriage... is it possible that I have effectively sabotaged it instead?

Put that thought right out of your mind. The OM is better off 'completely clueless' of the inner workings of any married woman's brain. He has no right or province as regards your thoughts...so that is where I would begin to change my thinking, if I were in your shoes and wanted to save and improve my marriage.

As to the things you have found about your husband's computer habits--it sounds to me that you are looking for reasons or justification or a rationalization...this just doesn't ring right. I think it is nonsensical that you have pushed him to anything, since by any standards you did the right thing by sharing with him your concerns about crushes (that is, if you did so with the motive of increasing closeness with him).

Are you painting a picture here, setting a stage, of yourself and your husband simultaneously and naturally traveling two different paths (i.e., you at church=good, him cruising the online personals=bad, you struggling with attractions to other men=bad), for a reason? Examine your heart and your motives. Do you desire more closeness with this man, your husband? I don't see that in your posts.

I do not intend to sound harsh or critical--just my experience that the sooner you come to grips with the truth, the less pain there is for everyone.

And I really do hope you will leave this OM out of your thoughts and confidences and life, as long as you are married. I can't recall the scripture right now, but there is an admonition against 'causing your brother to stumble' and it would not be right to make the first move in making the OM an accessory to an adulterous relationship.

Best of luck in doing the right thing. You know what the right thing is.

I am confused and unsure. I have never had feelings this serious before. I have thought other men were attractive before or 'crushed' a little on someone - but never to this degree. There is a small part of me that probably wants to catch hubby at something - which makes me feel even worse. There's a bad part that secretly wishes he would have an affair - and then maybe OM's wife would have an affair... so on and so forth. Horrible thoughts!

Then there is the other part that is totally feeling guilty and miserable and thinks I am a horrible wife. I did share my concerns out of a genuine wish to make things right in our M so that we could work on filling EN's and take away whatever 'need' I am fulfilling by having these thoughts. I am not getting much help from him though. If you read back to my first post... he agreed to read the book and fill out the EN questionnare - but then he never did. I feel like we are currently on cruise control and the slightest bump could cause an accident. (Eww - now I am making corny analogies.) I really appreciate all the advice I can get - and it may actually be good to read a couple of harsh posts to help get my thoughts back where they should be - with my husband. I keep checking other threads and reading about the heartache that A can cause. That seems to help. Finding that internet history has made me even more determined to stop contact with OM unless business related and get back to being the wife I am supposed to be. My hope is that will help my spouse be the husband he should be.

MissGeorgie, I strongly recommend the book Every Woman's Battle to read. You may also want to read His Needs/Her Needs with your H to get your M back on track. Sounds like you could use a good MC. Please stop fantasizing about this OM and focus on the positive qualities of your H.

MissGeorgie, I hope you’ve found the post I’ve quoted for you helpful? (I’m talking about the post I received from Ark^ while I was struggling with the same thoughts & feelings than you – I’ve copied and pasted it for you in my previous post).

Just something for you to keep in mind:

If you also experience things like depression, anxiety and obsession about this problem you’re struggling with and if it get worse and the feelings of shame and guilt also get worse at the same time (like a downward spiral) you might consider going to a psychiatrist and IC on some point…especially if you find it extremely difficult (or almost impossible) to control your thoughts and it goes together with depression and/or anxiety. If this happen, there is a possibility that you might suffer from a psychiatric disorder (chemical imbalance in the brain) which can be treated very effectively & successfully with medication. If you think this might be the case with you, also find out if there is a history of psychiatric disorders like depression, OCD etc. in your family. Psychiatric disorders can have a genetic origin, be dormant for years and then get triggered by a experience like this. I don’t say this is necessarily the case with you, but I tell you these things because I know it can be a possibility (it happened to me). You can read more about it and my experience with this on the following thread:

OCD, Depression and Affairs

Miss Georgie - I am a BS who did not get the wake up call until too late. My WW is so far gone that almost all hope is gone. Yet continue to have faith and try.

Whatever it takes to get your husband to realize that changes must occur - do it. You need to listen to the people on this site - do 180s in your lifestyle and relationship - and bang your husband in the head with a 2x4 until he understands that a major change is needed. He sounds like me - just cruising through life thinking one day my wife will find something that will give her joy.... DO NOT ALLOW AN AFFAIR TO BE THAT WHICH GIVES YOU JOY. HE WANTS TO KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS. GET HIS ATTENTION. I am sorry to sound alarmist - but the scenario sounds familiar - and if my wife had sought counsel here a year and a half ago - and hit me in the head with a 2x4, we would be so much better off.

Get his attention. Maybe some of the gurus here can tell you how. For starters - have you surprised him lately?

Thanks again Suzet and foundareason. This board is a great help to me!

I am hoping someone who is on line right now will see this and advise on whether I should rip this letter up or give it to my husband before he goes to work tomorrow. See below and PLEASE reply with advice specifically on the letter and whether or not to give it or approach this in a different way. Thanks in advance!

The letter starts here...

I have a couple of requests.

1. Read this whole letter
2. Talk with me about it when we have some privacy

I was on www.marriagebuilders.com (abbreviated for this e-mail as MB.com) recently and had posted a question asking for advice on how to stop thoughts of any other man from even entering my head. That is how serious I am about the issues at work here. Anyway - I was also checking out the temporary internet files and found LOTS of Sundays and Wednesdays where you have visited a bunch of porn sites. That is not normally such a bother to me, but now it looks like it is leading to other things. The most disturbing things I found were history files where you had visted and searched through some personal ads on match.com and yahoo.

I have already apologized for the fact that I had a crush on someone else and asked you to forgive me for that and then asked you to help me in fixing whatever had me thinking of anyone else in the first place. You act like everything is just fine right now - but you have not really made the effort to do what you agreed to. (Reading that book, which is now gone, and filling out those questionarres.) The good news is that most of the lessons I learned from the book are also available on the website. I need you to go to MB.com instead of checking out porn sites and stuff like match.com. I don't know why you went there. Are you looking for someone else? Have you already found someone else? Should I get an attorney and start the paperwork? This is what all went through my mind last night. I think your best course of action right now would be to spend this Sunday at MB.com while I am at church. If you have not already slept with someone else - you are well on your way to doing just that. If you already have - you need to tell me now.

The most hurtful thing is that I love you enough to tell you what is going on in my head BEFORE it becomes something going on in reality. It looks like maybe you don't love me enough to do that? Has something already happened in reality for you? Even if nothing has happened with another woman physically - you are going somewhere other than your marriage mentally for sexual fulfillment and basically keeping it a secret from me. Do you realize that you are pretty much addicted to porn? Even worse than that - I looked at some of the sites - some of those girls are ONLY girls. Some looked like they couldn't be more than 14. That is just 2 years older than YOUR DAUGHTER! How would you feel if you thought some man might be alone at his house getting his jollies by looking at nude, suggestive pictures of her???

I am going to be straight forward here. The porn must stop. Visits to any 'personals' websites DEFINITELY must stop. I will be checking and there will be consequences if it does not stop. I don't mean that I am going to punish you, I mean that you could be pushing me farther away and pushing yourself right over to someone else's arms. You could be starting the end of a marriage that has been wonderful by most people's standards. If we are going to stay a strong couple, we need to follow the basic concepts listed out on the MB.com website. I love you very much and I am more than willing to do this. The question is - are you?

MIss Georgie - I do not see anything wrong with your letter, but I am a novice here, not a veteran. It is good you addressed the porn, though. It is good to get him out of that as quick as you can, if he will stop. It is a cruel addiction that is very hard to stop. It takes a paradigm shift in the addict.

You might have to find a way to keep him occupied at the times he is surfing for porn. If he stays away from it for a month, then he is well on his way to recovery. But the lure is always there, and radical changes in his life might be required. One of the ways is to get rid of the computer. Sounds harsh, but this is serious stuff.

I think the porn is doing a lot of damage. It is infiltrating this country, and it is so easy to get to. He needs a wake up call. He needs to find his fantasy in you. That will help him, and help you, and help the marriage.

This is all unprofessional thoughts that i have. Someone with more clout might have better ideas, but i think you need to rattle the cage. I do not mean kinda. I wish my wife had beaten me with a 2x4 and made me understand.

Get your husband on here - get him involved with this thread and let the vets here check him out.

YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB!!!! DO NOT BACK DOWN.

Thank you for showing folks out here that it IS POSSIBLE to do the right thing before it is too late.

* BUMP *

Bringing this back to the top...

I ended up shutting down before I got any replies. I see one from found (THANK YOU FOUNDAREASON!!) but I would like to see more. (I saved the letter and did not give it to him yet.) Any other opinions out there this morning?

Georgie,

I think writing a letter is a great idea but this letter comes accross as demanding an accusatory. I would be pissed if I received this letter. You called your H a porn addict and a pedophile.

When my W wife was in her A, before I knew, I could feel the distance and I was lonely. I also went to porn sites and dating site to look at the profiles. There was a lot of "what-if" going through my head. Here were all these women who might be willing to pay attention to me more than my wife. It was tempting but I never took it any further that browsing.

Rewrite your letter.....

Tell him you saw the history and it concerns you.

Tell him that you have a crush on someone you work with.

Tell him that you may have also figured out why the both of you are looking to have you needs met elswhere....and show him (again) the questionairres and the website.

Tell him you love him and you want to love him more but you need his help to do it.

Just my $.01 (can't give you two cents cuz I would have to borrow some) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

Doug

I re-wrote the letter - less harsh - and gave it to him. He asked me if it was a letter saying I want a divorce. I told him that it was basically asking him if he wants one...

So anyway - I gave him some time and he read it. We talked and thankfully he does not want to split. He said that he was just curious about the personal ads. I told him that it hurt me that he went there and asked him not to do it again. He said it is just like walking down the street and seeing other people. Um - no - no it's not. I told him there is a big difference between seeing people on the street and actively looking for someone. So - for now - he has agreed to stop that and the porn. He wants me to initiate SF more often. I think I can handle that. Anyway - just an update here and needed to get this out if you KWIM. He told me that he didn't mean to hurt me and didn't mean anything by it. That is a relief to me. I don't have blinders on though... I will still be watching him - just like I am watching me. This forum is very helpful. Thanks to all who have posted replies with advice for me.

Georgie - YEA!!!!

It sounds as if he is receptive to finding a path to you and he being madly in love. You might want to consider setting a goal - like being madly in love - then working together to reach it. One of the tricks of good business and good marriagebuilding is to brainstorm. Both of you together sit and write down every single thing that comes to mind that might make the relationship better. Everything! Then calmly discuss each item on each list, and find the ones that both of you agree on. Read or re-read His Needs Her Needs, and begin to meet the most important needs.

I am proud of you! You did great. Do some research and discuss you and your husband being completely transparent with all of your thoughts. If he is forthcoming and does not balk at complete transparency then you probably do not have to worry about him being in an inapropriate relationship. But you have to come clean, too. When you two agree to be brutally honest with each other, you must tell him about your thoughts at work, and for the other man. He will need to chew on it, but it will make each of you more invested in the other.

Again - I am a novice just throwing out what I remember from HNHN, so look for other repsonses.

God bless your marriage!

FAR