Went down to see H yesterday and take him out to lunch for Father's Day, along with my dad. Lunch went well, H seemed to like gift very much. After lunch H and I went to another city about 1 1/2 hours away to see a friend who's been in the hospital for about 2 weeks now.

Anyway on the way, H and I talked some, very hard for me to relax around him. Anyway, I did relax after a little time and let's just say that there's a lot that can be done in a car and corn field.

We had a good visit with friend and decided to spend the night in that town and come back today. Very spur of the moment. I had brought extra clothes in case we went out in the woods on the farm, but nothing to spend the night. We got a motel room, went out to eat, came back, SF (this is, IMHO H's #1 EN, although he says it's not. He does say it's in the top 5, however). Before we went to sleep talked a little. He says that he can see that I'm trying very hard, that I'm working on me, that I will be a wonderful, perfect woman when I am well, etc. Says that he loves me, knows I love him, but doesn't know what's going to happen. He hopes that if we do end up divorced it won't get nasty and we will stay friends. He says that the positive thing about staying at his mom's is that when he gets mad, he can go do something. (When we're together and he gets mad, he immediately starts calling me names. He says that he wants me to answer questions, but when I do, he gets mad.) At his mom's, there's over 100 acres to run around on. He's building a lake. He bought a bulldozer a few years ago, along with a couple tractors, dirt pans, etc. I found out a couple weeks ago that he bought a new 4 wheeler and an old 3 wheeler.

So there are 2 things I need advice about. One is how do I help him with his anger. It's been 2 years now and he's more angry now than 2 years ago. He won't go to IC, MC, etc. He won't take AD. He just wants it to go away. I guess not being around me helps. However, if he doesn't deal with his anger, divorcing me won't help in the long run. I'm willing to listen, as I did last night. I didn't say anything. I just listened. I can't, however, stay and listen when he starts calling me names. There was a time when I did, because I thought I deserved it, but I can't do that anymore. I don't deserve it.

The other thing is how to deal with him at the farm. I know that I can't force him to come back home for good or even a day for that matter but, the longer he stays there the more I hate that place. This isn't a new thing however. I started hating that place about 8 years ago. When we married he told me over and over that he would never want to live there. He grew up there, he wanted to visit. After all his mom and dad were still there, but he would never want to live there. The thing is that when we first got married, I would have been willing to try it. Well you learn alot about a person's family when you've been married to someone for a few years. I learned about all their dysfunction. Every man in the family, except my H is an alcoholic. My FIL was a WWII vet, got drunk frequently and threatened to kill MIL on many occasions, he cleared the dinner table on more than one occasion because he wasn't going to "eat that [censored]", etc. I'm sure you get the picture. The next morning the kids would wake up to their dad cooking breakfast, all happy like nothing had ever happened. My MIL is the classic enabler. She restarted college when the youngest went to school and for all intents and purposes, abandoned the kids. Every car, washing machine, etc that died on the place is still there, some hidden better than others. One of my SIL's lives over 1000 miles away and hasn't been home in 13 years. In that time she has gotten married and had 2 kids. No one in the family was invited to the wedding or sent any kind of announcement about the birth of her 2 daughters. My H is the only one of the 7 kids who has all these fond memories of growing up there. He says that he chooses to remember the good things and forget the bad.

About 8 years ago or so, H decided that he wanted to move back to the old homestead. He wanted to fix the place up. He was tired of the way it's looked since they moved there (now about 40 years ago.) If we had moved we would have been living right next to MIL and FIL, and within a mile of 2 of his brothers-one who is frequently drunk well before noon and the other who is a very obnoxious "dry drunk". As an example he says that the only people who have dibetes are fat slobs who sit in front of the TV all day and eat. Try using logic with that. Anyway, by that time there's no way I was going to move down there and move our very impressionable son with us, not to mention making the teenager move, who had already had to move when we got married. (I followed H to the big city.) So since then he has on again, off again said that he's moving with or without me and that he didn't care about how I felt about it. Well, now he's down there. His mother tells him regularly how wonderful he is, there are no rules, he can do what he wants, if he doesn't come in when she has dinner ready, that's ok, she does his laundry, and it goes on and on. She goes on and on about how nice it is to have him around. I'm not liking her very much these days either. I'm trying to fulfill H's EN. I guess you say that I'm doing a PLan A, even though I'm the WS. However, it's very difficult to compete with a plot of dirt and my MIL. Not to mention everyone down there comes by to worship my H. They just want to watch what he's doing, help or whatever. Of course he also knows everyone. I, on the other hand, know very few people down there. EVeryone who comes around to see H are the men, most of whom have a beer in hand all the time. They never bring their wives with them, if they happen to be married. EVeryone seems to know that I don't like the country. And of course when they say anything they talk about H's wife as if I don't have a name. My MIL has told me what some of these people have said because she "takes up" for me.

How do I get past my hatred of this place? And I do hate it with a passion! I have told H for 8 years that I won't move there. He has even gotten 13 year old son in on it. Son has ADHD, with emphasis on the impulsivity/hyperactivity and school has been very difficult for him through the years. H said that if we would move to the farm and send him to school there S would be fine. S would ask me frequently why I wouldn't move. He begged me. WEll, I didn't want to ruin the place for him. He has spent innumerable weekends and time in the summer down there. It's an escape for him. If we lived there, other than the fact that I wouldn't like the influences of alcohol given H's family history, if we lived there it would no longer be an excape, because he would have all the stress there that he has where we live now. He would have school, homework, chores, etc. But I'm the bad guy. If I would just move, everything would be fine. Plus I don't think H would be as happy as thinks, after living there for a while. But maybe I should have just let him go way back then. I don't know anymore. Is there even an answer for this?

Ok I lied. There are 3 things. H also doesn't do what he says he going to. He'll say that he's going to call later in the day, if I've called him, but he doesn't. He'll say that he's going to call tomorrow, but doesn't. He'll say that he's going to be in town and let's go to lunch, breakfast, etc but somehow he doesn't make it. He has made it home once or twice a week and manages to have SF. I just wish he wouldn't say anything if he's not going to call, or come in town. I haven't said anything to him though because I don't want to LB. Some days I just want to scream! (Just in general, not at him.)

And you know something else that's interesting? H never told his dad before he died that he loved him and has never told his mom that he loves her. They have never told him they love him. They show no affection toward each other. But he says that he knows they love him and visa versa. However, with me, he analyzes everything I do and say. I usually come up on the short end of the stick. That's one reason why I have to be very careful what I say to him. One slip and I don't love him and never have.

Oh well, that's enough for now. As always, I've gotten very long winded and have vented some. Thanks in advance to all who are able to get through this and offer any advice. It's greatly appreciated.

I'm precious