Hi friends.
I'm looking for some comfort.
I have been in an on again off again relationship with someone very special. The times it was off was because of me. I had not healed enough from my marriage before entering into a relationship.
I know, I broke the rules. I did meet him very soon after my x left me. I was at a very low point in life, and I wasn't strong enough to not accept the affection given to me. So, I started a relationship with him before my d was final. Please don't blast me, I know, I feel the pain, I was wrong.

This guy loved me, treated me like a queen, and now he is gone all because of me.

Granted, he has been divorced for 8 years, and is ready for marriage. I'm just now D for 1.5 years, and did not want to rush into marriage.
While I 100% knew that he is so wonderful, and felt that yeah, he could very well be the one, I still felt that I needed to validate my feelings for him.
I broke it off with him twice, because of this feeling. I felt like I needed to go out with a couple of people to know for sure. I had no dates or any suspects, it was only a feeling I had.

Both times, I realized into it, how much I missed him, and we got back together. He in the second break up did go out with someone, but I guess she had some issues.

This time, we have stayed in contact, and all along he would tell me he loves me more than anything, and all I have to do is say I want a committment and he will be here.
So,
I started reading Mars/Venus starting over
I'm picking up on things that I never got the first time around, when I was going through divorce.
And see that my wishywashy feelings were so normal.

At this point however, he has met someone, and appears to be completely taken.
Less than one week ago, he told me, he would never love another the way he loved me, and if I would committ to him, he would be here in a minute.
That was last Tues. Saturday comes, I see him with someone.
We text and email, and he is totally done with me, and all about marriage to her seems like.

I have to tell you, this guy is NOT a player. He was 100% totally into me, and what a great feeling that was compared to an x that was a womanizer.

So, did I truly mess with his heart too many times? I always wanted to be honest and upfront with him. I never talked to another man during this whole time, it was just feelings I had.

Before I found out that he was going out with someone else, I had started to feel that I was crazy to pass him up. That men like this don't just come by all the time.

Let me tell ya, this guy did cards all the time, flowers all the time, unexpected gifts. He would have rearranged the stars for me.

So, does it end just like that?? Do I accept that it's totally done, never to come back?
Do I leave him alone, assuming its all over?

I felt ashamed of our relationship much of the time, due to the fact we met too soon. However, my x very recently remarried, and it did give me a sense of freedom. I felt like I now could move on, but now, it seems l have lost him.

I'm ready to be blasted. But, I'm hopeful for some good advice.

This feels so much like my separation time.
My nerves are frayed. I can't eat or sleep.

Thank you for reading, I know this is a long one, and probably wordy. I just am sick!

Karona

Hmmm, first karona, you can't lose something you never had. Real feelings do not vanish overnight, and being an accomplished pursuer does not necessarily mean someone is a good match, it might just mean they are a good pursuer. However, being needy and wishy washy is indeed unattractive, and sure you may have missed the boat by not being ready. One cannot beat themself up for that, dating is about learning, that's all...learning about you, about other people, and using that knowledge, which you now can do. You have the opportunity to emerge stronger from this, and who knows, by so doing he may be attracted to that....but I dunno karona, you imply he is being insensitive and such, those aren't desireable traits in my book. So he dates another woman, so what, that is what non-exclusive dating is about, but it is ridiculous he can be talking about how this new one is the "one", he doesn't even know her. That suggests your assesment of his worthiness may be a bit rose-tinted. But just for the heck of it, say this new girl is the one he should be with....them wish him well, and prepare yourself to be ready when the right one for you comes along. Right? Lick your wounds, have a brief pity party, eat a little chocalate, then straighten your shoulders, get a determined look in your eye, and sally forth with purpose and you will find more opportunities.

Are you saying on Tuesday he was ready to marry you, and by Saturday he had decided to marry someone else?

If this is the case, I'd question how committed he was to you in the first place. Something is wrong with this picture! Maybe I got it wrong.

I'm sorry you are hurting. ((((hugs))))

Dear Karona,

I'm sooooo very sorry you're hurting. Lord knows I understand how you feel.

Let me offer this: how could he be crazy over you a few days before, then moved on that far with another? Doesn't that make you question his depth & judgment??? Would me!

(((((Karona))))) <-- A hug for you!

High Flight

Thank you all so much. I knew I could count on you all to help me through this.

You are very right knight. I do need to learn from this and grow from it. I hope I do get stronger from this whole thing. Right know I feel such huge devastation.
Funny you should mention "needy" because that was not me. He had this thing he used to tell me, he wanted to hear me say "I need you". It was something I couldn't say because I was afraid to say I needed someone, because then, if it ended, it would be so devastating.
If one of us was needy in the relationship, it was always him. He always wanted to be with me, to the point of smothering sometimes. I went round and round with this one in my mind. When I was married, I wished so bad my h wanted to be by my side. This guy did, but I found it to be smothering. I did have a hard time with it sometimes.

Deja, yes, that's what I'm saying pretty much. Last Tuesday was our last phone conversation.
He even tried to come and see me that night, but I thought it best if we didn't.
He told me that night, that he could never love anyone like he loved me and therefore never do for them as he did for me. Whatever transpired over the weekend has him totally gone. I'm guessing they spent a good bit of time together. It must be that his bank is over flowing with the feel goods.

Oh HF my friend, thanks.
I do question that. I keep asking myself, how did he go from wanting to be with me, to totally all about this other person.
He is so ready to be married, and I needed to be 200% sure that I would not fail, I couldn't commit to it just yet.

I really appreciate what you three have offerred me.
I hope you will stick with me on this, and help me get through it.

Thank you so much.
K.

Let me also add that he and I seemed so matched that we always knew what the other was thinking just before it was said. Or, there were many times we would finish each others sentence. How do you get past that?

Dont feel so bad...remember what you have learned from MB...what happened was NOT your fault...dont let another "guy" bring you down into that dark pit...

He is probably just NOT the right guy and the right ONE is just around the corner...go back dating and find him...

take care

I know it hurts and don't take what I am about to say as a bashing...it isn't in the least OK?

I don't know this guy from Adam, none of us do, but I can guess as good as the next as to "WHY"? I'm not going to assign character flaws to this guy like some of our friends here are apt to do.

How long have you been seeing each other? A year or more?

I've been in this situation before, the woman I dated when I met my wife. She did the same thing you did, break up a couple times, unsure of the future, all the while I was doing the things your SO was doing. I loved her dearly, still do but...

She wanted a break, again, I gave it to her, again, that week I met my future wife so when she called me back a week later to tell me she missed me and wanted to get back together I said "no thanks"....

Why would I say that if I cared so much? If I loved her?

Frustration, sick of the roller coaster, tired of "breaking up", tired of being held at a distance, sick of catering to her without any consideration for how I felt. Tired of "giving" and at 27 or so I was ready to start a family and if the last 2 years were like this, what were the chances of the next 2 years looking the same? Sick of the instability in a LTR.

I'm guessing he feels much of the same thing and this person he met was just the catalyst, I mean you did break up with him again right Karona?

Good Luck Darlin', it'll get better

RebornMan

I hope you are right Zizzy. Dating is the hard part though. Right now I have zero interest in it.
I need to heal and then move on.
I appreciate your help.

RebornMan,
I'm sure you are 100% right. I did put him throught he paces. I'm sure I hurt him bad. The last time was more mutual. I couldn't say that I was ready to marry, and he decided we should separate. All the while, staying in contact weekly.

I understand what you are saying about the roller coaster. He did give me everything, and I couldn't accept it.

I have taken what you have said as sound advice and honest.
I don't like to read it, but I know you are right. I can only blame myself for not accepting what he had to offer me.

I am so afraid of failure again. I am afraid to commit and fail. I suppose maybe, if he were THE ONE maybe I wouldn't have those fears.

Again, I appreciate your thoughts, they were taken as you intended.

Karona

I agree with Reborn, Karona, but all the same, I'm sorry you're hurting.

It sounds like in addition to pushing him away due to your marital experiences, you weren't quite ready. Do you think if you did commit to him you would be feeling like you were pushed or jumped in?

Dear Karona,

Reading the help all are giving, let me just say...in spite of the pain, please consider the BENEFITS you have gained from all of this!

1. You know by FAR more about yourself now.
2. You are much, much better prepared for your future.
3. You have been shown the sort of person you need in your life, you won't "settle" for less.
4. You were saved from another potential distrous divorce - due to your not being ready. --> We'd all rather suffer through a breakup than yet another divorce.
5. As someone (Knight?) said, dating is all about learning about ourselves & other folks, until we gain sufficient knowledge & self-understanding to make the best possible decisions.
6. So many of us have been exactly where you're standing today. We've survived! You will too my dear!
7. Welcome to "Higher Dating Education"!!!

Don't ever forget, God is capable of making the best of your past to forge the finest of futures!!!

Special Regards,
High Flight

Karona,

It isn't "failure" on your part...really.

It isn't "failure" on his part...really.

It is what it is, a learning experience. You are hurting, he is hurting no matter what he says about another woman he met.

At the very least you are smart enough to realize what happened, why it happened, and what got you here.

THats a good thing, now it's time to figure out what Karona wants for the future. Time to find Karona.

It's going to be fun, trust me.

RebornMan

Hugs Karona!

Nams, HF, and RM,

I can't tell you how much it means to me for you to help me through this.

I can't believe the pain I feel. However, then creeps in the thoughts of, everything he told me was a lie.

On my way to the gym this morning, I sure enough passed him. I can about guarantee he was romancing his new love. On the way back, I passed him again. I didn't panic, I just felt like I didn't know him, like he was a stranger. I felt like it was all a lie, and I never really knew him. Is that normal??
I hope in time, time will reveal why I held back from him. That will give me the peace I need.

I do think I was ready to be pushed Nams. I would have committed to him right on the spot. If it meant not losing him, well, heck, I did. I told him the things he had been waiting to hear. But, I was too late.

RebornMan, thank you for saying what you have said. It helps to know, that you have been him, and to know that he is hurting too. He did tell me that he hurts, but I guess I didn't really believe it being that he has moved on so fast. I'm very much looking forward to the fun RM, because I'm tired of feeling like I get left time after time. I must be accountable for this to an extent, but it hurts just the same.

My friend HighFlight, I have printed what you wrote, and I intend on putting it in my purse to refer to often.
You are so insightful and kind.
You are so right, I would rather suffer a break up than a divorce. And that was my fear, I feared not being able to hold up my end, and failing.
I'm holding onto what you have said, that God is capable of making the best of my past to forge the finest of futures.
If I think hard......I know that this man taught me love, trust, and how I want to be treated. Honestly, I didn't learn that from my x. So, if he was so wonderful, I should be so excited to think of what is to come. I have to have faith, that I will find that one special person that makes everything in me want to be the best I can be.

Thank you again.
Karona

RebornMan,
When I re-read your post, it makes me smile!!!

Your last sentence gives me hope!

K.

We'll just call it....

"How Karona got her groove back"


I'm putting on the music right now......You know what to do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


RebornMan

Glad it made you smile, we can all use more of that

That's Great, I love it!! I really needed that laugh! Your CRAZY!!

Karona

And Reborn, I may need to snag that for my sig line!
When I'm feeling real peppy!

I have this saying: "God already knows the name & address of the person I'm best suited to be with...my job is just to stay so close to Him that I can hear Him when He whispers her name to me...."

That's what I've learned most this past 1.5 year. My best efforts are to go towards faith & my relationship with my Creator who will then supply all my needs.

For me, it is FAR superior to compulsively & fearfully casting about for a relationship to fill the void. That strategy is fraught with danger & pain.

I'm here for ya, Karona.
High Flight

[color:"blue"] Karona,

I can understand someone being ready to get re-married, but advancing to marriage in a relationship in less than a year seems to me to be absolutely "pushing it". Most relationships take a year or two to get to that point, and honestly, it might take that long just to get past the initial rush of hormones in order to assess the real person.

Red flags to me would be a rapid advancement of a relationship to intimacy and to talking of marriage - especially if it is within the first few weeks or days. Another red flag would be the pressure that he put on you to decide. If he really wanted you and only you, why wouldn't he be willing to wait until you were ready?

I'm so sorry that you are in pain - I can certainly understand. I agree with the other posters that you should perhaps look upon this as a learning experience....

Good luck and take care of yourself!

V. [/color]