[color:"red"]...that anyone will do? [/color]

That's the needy side coming out. Beware of needy people. I went out with one a long time ago. When I told him I didn't want to watch a football game on one Sunday, he showed up at my house, stood on the doorstep and pounded on the door for over 1/2 hour.

They don't improve - they get worse. Imagine how much they stand to lose if you actually marry them!

You guys are great. Where I would be without you?? I'm sure with my head in a tissue.

I have my moments but I dealing, but it's because of you all. And this one wonderful friend I have here. She is my angel, and I mean that. She has been here for me in my darkest moments.

I do wonder that same thing Deja, would just anyone work??
He does have a needy side to him, but, he also had the most incredible qualities too, and most perfect hygeine, which is important to me.
He used to tell me about what crap was out there. I wonder if he just meant men?? or did he include women too?? Question to ponder.
He did not tell me he is going to marry her, its just that he cold shut me off so fast. This is my interuptation since he was so in a hurry to take me off the list of available.

Sunny, I think the answer to your question is that he was got tired of me being hot/cold. From the very, very beginning, I told him I needed time, I needed to make sure of everything. I never ever led him on, I was always up front with him. Yes we fell in love, but my feelings for needing to date others never went away. I don't think I was going to find anyone better than him, but I needed to show myself that.
Apparently he has found someone that is filling his love bank to overflow. There is nothing I can do about that.
I have to think he is on the rebound, and him being 35, I would guess that just maybe, this woman could be fresh out of a relationship too. That is purely speculation, I don't know anything about her. Just at our ages, most likely there is some hurt there.

HF, I recall you saying that in other posts, and I Know you are right. God knows how many hairs we have on our head, so why wouldn't he know this too, right?!
Wish he would slip me a paper though, giving me a hint!
I have been more mindful lately, reading my Bible more, and devotional. Hey I did something huge today.
I went to visit a girl that had brain surgery a week ago today. I know her grandmother, and I have wanted to go but it is very hard for me because of my own daughter's illness. But, I did it, I was strong, and I'm proud of myself.
I gave me a little power for a bit. I thought, xxxxx would be proud of me for doing this, and I did it without coaching from him. IT felt good to help someone else, and escape my own pain for a bit.
I appreciate you being here for me. I really have needed it.

Karona

I'm betting that "feeling" was your silent voice of intuition speaking. I like to think of intuition as the pieces of disconnected logic that the brain hasn't put together yet. In other words, what you already know is true, but haven't been able to grasp consciously yet.

I can now look back on 20 years and realize how many silent voices I squelched. How I turned up the "volume" to drown out the tiny voices that were screaming at me. There was much I knew, and ignored - even as I was telling other people to listen to their intuition.

Do as I say, not as I do - apparently.

Very possible Deja.
I know that 4 months into the relationship, while he continued to be and show me all that he was about, I started to feel smothered. This guy would have rearranged the stars for me, that is how much love he showed me.

But, I was the one, coming out of 18 years of marriage, that needed time to be alone, time to make sure I was doing everything right.

Many years later, I can honestly say, right before I got married, I had some red flags go up about my husband. But, we were young, got married, and moved far away from home.
My intuitions were correct, but I refused to think we couldn't make it. I would have stayed with him forever, but now I realize it was because I didn't want to fail.

So, that is why I was really guarding myself this time. I had a couple of things I was concerned about, not big, the great outweighed the couple by 100 fold, but I was being mindful of them.

I hope in a very short while, I will see things more clearly and realize its all for the best. Right now though, it's still pretty raw.

Thanks for sticking close, I appreciate it so much.
K

Just for the heck of it, let me ask a question.

In your opinion, how long do you think it takes to start figuring out things in a new relationship? Obviously, the first month is total awe, but at what point do you think character starts to show?

For me, based on this relationship only, I say 4 months.

I can't help but have some glimmer of hope that he will return to me. I'm not planning on it, but I have a hope.

Karona

Hi Karona,
I did the exact same thing you did less than a year after my divorce............dated, fell in love (i thought) and became engaged within a few weeks. It was about 10 months after the divorce. Still not sure why I did it, it is almost like it happened to a different person now. At the time, the feelings were intense and wonderful. After a week of being engaged, I knew that was not the place I should be at the time. I was bypassing my healing, using the feelings as a bandaid. So, when I broke up with this guy, I also experienced extreme pain and depression. I knew that I wanted to experience being single for a while longer, and my kids and I had to heal, and in fact are still doing that. The guy I dated really, really wanted to be married also. I do not miss him at all, even though he was a nice guy. He just wasn't right for me, and I couldn't see that through the feelings. By the way, he is married now to a very nice lady.
I believe it probably takes 5 or 6 months to even know a person well enough to even consider long term with them. Until then, both parties are running on emotions and intense feel good feelings in my opinion.
I have only dated a couple of guys since then, would love to date more. but there's the age old question of where to find nice guys....all at my church are married.
Anyhow, Karona, I know the pain....I'm sorry you're going though it. You will make it. He might be the one for you, but you know, he is not the only one out there. That's the biggest mistake we make, I think.........Please be open to dating other men. He may or may not come back, but you will be okay either way. Don't deprive other men of your wonderful personality and a chance to date you!!!!
Let me know how you're doing.
KK

Hi K,

I've been where you are too, sweetie, and I know the desperation and grief of feeling as if you've lost out on what Was Meant To Be. But let me share with you My Story in hopes you may gain something from it.

I was going to point out that this particular guy just may be ready to settle down, but saw that Deja Vu already had. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I myself had dated a gentleman like this. Absolutely wonderful. Treated me like royalty, always put me first, incredible chemistry, fantastic looking, etc. Pushed for marriage, over and over. And over. What I did not realize was that this fellow did want to be married, very badly, he just wasn't as discriminating as I would have enjoyed telling myself he was. He just wanted to be married, period. He wanted someone to love, to take care of; someone he shared common interests with and he was attracted to, sure, but he was willing to latch on to just about anyone with those characteristics (and to hell with the rest) to justify his need.

Is this so bad? No, of course not. But. . .

I too felt the same smothering you describe. I too, broke it off multiple times due to those still small voices tugging at my sleeve, making me wonder. Listen to yourself, Karona. Your Intuition, your true Heart had been telling you something, and you may be simply too dismal with his absence right now to hear it. You will miss him, terribly so. But is it honestly anything more than that? More than being treated well? More than being fawned over, made much of? Did you have the kind of life-long, soulmate connection with this man that you would thirst and yearn for in a marriage?

Would you have been willing to settle for that?

Does any of this soound familiar, K, or am I mistaken?

I broke up with Mr. Dream Boy too. He too found someone, the last time, within days. They were "officially" engaged within 5 months but had begun talking about it those first few weeks.

I was absolutely sickened at my loss. I visciously berated myself for not embracing what was right there in front of me, had been all that time. I was shameless in my endeavors to entice DreamBoy back.

All I can say is, WHEW! Thank you Lord for not sending him back to me!

Getting over him, beyond him, was not easy. He had fulfilled every need so effortlessly and hurridly he had almost been aggravating, so most of the men I dated after him came up abominably short. But in the end, I did come to realize he was just not for me. His attentions had been overbearing, his neediness had been exhausting, and his patience in the face of my wrongs beyond long-suffering and bordering on pathetic (there were times I pushed him just to see how far I could go, I am ashamed to admit). It was only later that I realized he had died to himself in order to find a bride, (any bride) to complete whom he thought he should be. And what a relief it was to know that I was no party to that.

I did get an opportunity to get back together with this man, but by then I was in full control of my senses, and not wooed by having someone cater to me all of the time. It (the catering) was intoxicating, I will admit. And all of my girlfriends thought I was an iidiot for not falling at his feet the first time; so when I had this last opportunity they thought I was absolutely insane for bypassing it.

But a while later they met my Husband-to-be, and they promptly changed their minds. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FYI, his "rebound marriage" lasted all of 9 months and he has been in a string on relationships since then. Now he does not know what he wants.

I don't know if this little history parallels yours at all or not, but I thought I'd share it in hopes that if so, you too would realize there is life after Dream Boy.

Because this particular brand of Dream Boy has something in himself that makes him needy; it manifests itself as nurturing. When it comes down to it, I'd rather have an H that treats me well because he loves me for me, admires me, and just wants to, you know?

Follow your intuition, hon. It has served you well so far, as you mentioned.



StillLovingHim

Karona,

I know it's hard but don't hold out that glimmer.I read a book (yeah I know, haven't we all "read" a book through this?) but this might help you see what happened.

It is an idea about growing or healing relationships, I subscribe to it and maybe this will help.
You might have heard them called "rebound" or "transitional" but I like the term "growing" or healing".

Here's a few points about them.....
1. They often occur with a potential love partner but can be with a friend, family member or even therapist
2. Usually temporary but can become permanent
3. Usually occur when you are in a personal growth or transformation period
4. Occur after LTR or marriage has ended
5. They can end with healthy termination, something alot of us have never experienced before
6. Typically involve good communication because the two of you spend a great deal of time talking to each other about important topics
7. For the most part these relationships are based on honesty and openness, you generally share more of yourself in ways you never did before. You find yourself stripping to the bare emotional essentials, exposing more than you thought you ever could.
8. Growth oriented, not stagnant. There is a difference between a growing relationship and one that is simply a Summer re-run of old shows...learning to grow out of old patterns, a laboratory for personal growth, not to perpetuate old-patterns.

"Why You"?
Because we are more likely as BS to develop growing and healing relationships. A WS jumps right out of one and into another without a thought as to the why's and hows of the failed marriage. BS' OTOH have a buttload of emotional issues to resolve before we can find another LTR, that is the beauty of healing and growing, we become better people, more satisfied within ourselves, happier in our skin. The WS does not do this soul searching, growing, healing so that rut their tire is stuckk in means they cannot turn, they can only follow the ditch and since they can't see over the sides of the ditch they know nothing else but to keep going.

BS, when kicked out of the car, had 2 choices...walking behind the car in the ditch with our heads hanging down not looking over the top, or climbing out to the road and asking directions. A healing relationship is similar to climbing out and asking directions.

"Passion/Romance"
This is the sticky part, and the most common type of healing relationship. It has pitfalls and benefits. You think "Here at lastare all those good qualities which were missing in the marriage, passion,honesty,good communication, empathy, understanding" But commitment for the LTR might not be healing or healthy for either party at this stage.

Pitfalls- Making the other person responsible for your excitement and happiness. It feels so good when you are on rough seas and you find this calm port. You have to remember you are in recovery, you have just begun to be the person you want to be; give yourself the time it takes to finish the job. While it does feel good to be with that other person, don't give away all your power by making another responsible for your happiness.

Putting your new partner on a pedestal..this will certainly limit your healing

Focusing too much on the future. By not living in the present you are retarding the healing. You start thinking about the future and you limit your healing. You have to live now, feel now, communicate now, let go of dreaming of the future or pondering how long this will last. It will last as long as it is healthy and nurturing.

Investing too much of yourself too soon. An imbalance in emotional investment. Investing too much tima and energy into it keeps you from investing in yourself.

Benefits- Your personal growth is what this is about ultimately. The lesson to learn is to heal, to become free, to be yourself, to become. Take advantage of the lesson and take credit for what you are learning.

As you grow you find out good it feels to be healthy. You can allow yourself to become vulnerable again with the resulting feelings of intimacy. Feeling more secure in your own identity..finding out you can feel this way with many people. So stop believing this is the only person that you can have such a relationship with. You will be able to have other healthy relationships if you so choose, because you are learning to have a better relationship with you.

They feel good because they are usually so different from what we are used to from our Marriage.

"Do growing relationships last"?
They can, some do. Even if they are romantic they can end on a positive note with either a life-long friend or healthy respect and admiration for each other. Some of these end up long term but the foundation that builds a LTR is different form a healing relationship. They can shift from one to the other but for the most part the romantic healing is short term in nature as it pertains to intimacy but can be a source of life long pleasure in friendship.

______________________

There is more but I thought this would be a good starter. I paraphrased this in my own words to shorten it but I hope it gives you some ideas....I'd be glad to share some more if you'd like

RebornMan

Still,

Good to see your post!

Hows things on the homefront?

Hope your feeling more "adorable"...(you know you are after all...lol)

Update! Update!

RebornMan

Hi there RBM! Eloquent & thoughtful post (as usual)!

Things here on the homefront are actually going somewhat better. As H has yet to fill out the EN questionaire, I am guessing at his ENs. . . but go figure, Affection is somewhere way up there, and he is now falling over himself in an effort to please me. I am stunned. All this time I had been closed off as far as physical contact went (so as not to impose on him, but with exception to *ahem*) when what he really needed was for me to give him some XOXO. Go figure.

Golly. I used to know this. When did I get so dense?

I think my self-imposed distance and waiting for his initaition was also a self-defense measure.

:: slapping forhead :: D'uh (*see? I can be eloquent too! LOL*)

Definetely feeling a bit more "adorable" lately! All I needed was some attention! (Am I pathetic or what? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

So how have you been, my friend? Sain et sauf?


Please forgive me the TJ'ing, K. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I hope today is a better day for you. Please check in with us if you can.


SLH

Hey Still,

Thanks for the compliments...I eat them all up, now who's pathetic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am so glad to hear thing are getting better...somewhat is an improvement! It's treading water that is so frustrating.

You did what you did because it was what needed to be done. And it worked pretty good huh? HE is seeking you out? Nice...maybe now IS the time to get that EN questionaire filled out? TO be honest it sounds like doing the 180's was a good choice whether purposefully done or not. Let him miss SLH's adorable attentions for a bit?

I like it.

If he starts backsliding send him my way, I have some unresolved aggression that needs worked out...lol...and off

How am I doing? Little ole' me?

N'est pas mon Français ce qui il l'aimait toujours, mais je me rappelle qu'asse'il est meilleur de dire....Today qu'hier mais pas aussi bon que demain soyez. Pour vous aussi bien. Passant le long de beaucoup de respect votre manière.

I think that is it...My French is a little rusty. (I really hope I didn't just order fish and fabric to be delivered tomorrow...lol)

Stick around Still, you are one of the fun ones.

RebornMan

Thanks for sharing KK. I know exactly what you mean about lack of good men.
I swear, if I had not have met this guy, I am 100% sure, that I would not have been out yet, one time! Its terrible. Which, I'm sure helps me have the feelings that I really need this guy even more because I will never meet anyone else.
As of right now, I have no interest in dating, so the lack of is not that important at this moment. But, when I get over this, it will be the same problem.

Now, as for StillLovingHim and RebornMan, I'm starting to think I need to pull out my checkbook.
You guys have so much to offer.
StillLoving, your story is right on target. YOU CAN not believe. I started to think that your Dream Boy is one in the same, as mine! How can this be??? Everything you described is exactly the way it is/was for me.
I won't go as far as to say that I pushed him to see how far I could. Everything I did, I did out of respect for him. Because of the love he had shown me, I thought it only fair to let him go because of my own issues.
But, each time, I missed him so much. Now, if I had had other opportunities to meet and go out with others, maybe I could have survived it, but it is slim to none here.

I have to ask you though,
Who are you Still Loving?? and always loving?? And can you fill me in on your new husband. Tell me about how his love is greater than being treated like a princess. If you don't mind.

I had also labeled my man at one point as pathetic. I mean, I would ask for the space, and he would hover. His persistance at one point drove me insane.
And yes, the catering is very intoxicating.
Since this break up though, I do think, why could I not handle that?? What is so awful about being treated so good?
But, I think it was always the neediness that I couldn't get past.
I NEVER had been treated like this by my x. I craved this kind of attention. So why when I got it, could I not handle it??

So, do I understand?? He married, divorced, and came back to you?
I very much see this guy talking marriage already with this person. He was too quick to cut me off after just 4 days before confessing his undying love for me, and he could never love another the same, or give the same.

I find it very, very interesting the parallel of neediness manifesting itself to nuturing. He did want to take care of me, completely.
To the point again, of smothering. But, again, I say to myself, why is that so awful???

I do have a sense of independence about me. There are things that I very much appreciate doing for myself, to feel accomplishment.

And onto you Reborn,
That was awesome!!! I so appreciate what you have taken the time to write.
You have a way with words, for sure!!
#7 was right on!
I have never, ever been so open as I have/had been with him.
I was so raw at this point in my life and he was there to pick up every piece and make me whole. I have never been good with expressing my feelings. I'm a very private person, my life the past 3 years has been an overwhelming life change.

I have to send this quick, I keep getting kicked off.

cont.

As far as the Passion/Romance.....
I fear this over and over.
I have to honest to say, I have NEVER EVER felt this.
I don't want to get too deep here, but I have to say, incredible!
So, how do you get past that? Is it that logical to think that you could ever feel that again with another person??

Today has been a huge hurdle for me with what has been shared. I felt lifted.
I can't tell you how much this stuff has meant to me.

If you have more to share, I'm very open to taking it in.

OHHHH, AND,

I didn't mind the highjack! Sure, use me to your advantage.
I don't recall StillLoving's story, or yours I'm sorry to say. But, apparently the two of you have come far, and I respect you knowledge.

Thank you all for your time.

Karona

I understand the fear that there may not be another person like an 'ex' out there for us, but, in reality, I think that fear is unfounded. At times of stress and problems we often engage in two very unproductive habits: mind-reading and fortune-telling.

Almost always the mind reading and fortune telling is focused on the negative. "She doesn't care for me since she had other plans last Saturday". "Now that He is gone, there are no other good men right for me".

I often wonder where the right women are for me. I don't seem to meet them. But, then I must remember that the vast majority of women, although nice, wonderful persons, are not right for me. Maybe only 5% max, and probably more like 1 or 2% in reality. So, I have to meet (not necessarily date) 100 women to find 2 that are right for me. That is a HUGE task.

I can either shrink from the task thinking it is so big that I can't possibly be successful. Or, I can look at it as an adventure. I get to meet and know a hundred different women ! Not bad.

LOL RBMan! LOL! Merci beaucoup, je pense.

Au jour le jour et aller de mieux en mieux. . . correct?

Les beaux esprits se rencontrent!

Humph. I just tried to re-read what I wrote and am dearly hoping it makes sense to you. I grew up in Louisiana, in the heart of "[censored]-a$$" Cajun country, so my french is quite suspect to bald interpretations and flat out inconsistencies. I even have an accent after I've been back home for more than a few days, Chere. Scary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I saw that you came by our beloved Idiotville. Are you planning on submitting your 3 Idiot Acts? LOL. Mine were truly bereft of any thought or semblance of human intellect. . . truly. Things like lying down with my head pillowed in a fire ant pile, and asking a professor I dearly wanted to impress how his genital heart defect was. Relating those tidbits of Human Stupidity was tons of fun, but humbling . . paragraph after paragraph of humbling, grin.

Do you currently have a thread I can catch up with you on?

Gotta stop before K gets ticked off with me (en avoir ras le bol de moi!) and boots me outta here! Have mercy, K!


slh

And RBM, I have tons of compliments for you. I think you're a really great guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Karona,

I would be scared of someone who needed to hear me say I needed them or even for them to say they NEED me.

A truely healthy relationship isn't about NEEDING the other person, but about wanting to be with the other person because you want to be with them, not because you Need to be with them or your or they are some how a nothing.

I don't need to be with my husband in order to be happy and feel loved, sure I am happy and feel loved when I am with him and I love spending time with him, but I was also happy when I wasn't with him.

It's more about being happy with or without the person, not that they make you happier, but more that they don't make you unhappy when you are with them.

Hey Karona,

Just saw your response when I posted to RBM. I don't have time to respond now, but I didn't want you to think I wasn't going to address your questions. May I answer them this evening?

Glad I could offer you something to think about. I hope I can augment that later.

Yup, I really have been there. It's hard to remember how suffocating Dream Boy's tender ministrations are when they are no longer in your immediate vicinity. you question yourself. But you would feel the same again, in a heartbeat, were you in the same situation once again.

My husband is my best friend, and when he is "on the ball" can easily fulfill EVERY one of my needs. . . not just one or two. So you see? . . . there is hope.

Hugs, honey. Will write more later,


StillLovingHim

SLM, when you get time, I would really like to hear your story. It means alot to me since you have experienced this same kind of Dream.

No wonder I have taken an IMMEDIATE liking to you. One of my closest dearest friends is also from Louisiana. I love her! In fact, I have not seen her in 7 years, and I'm planning a trip to go see her. We met in Florida, she still lives there.

Anyway, I didn't mind you and Reborn catching up, although, I get lost in your text. I realize there is a silly history there.
Not offended or bothered by any means.

Justin,
UUGGHH, just when I was trying to get hope, you throw that wrench in. Did you read that there are NO men around here?
It will be near impossible for me to 100! as I'm sure the stats are the same for the men. Gracious!!!

And Thorned, Your right. I didn't want to say I NEEDED HIM.
I felt that way through my marriage, that I needed my x. But when everything died there, I didn't want to need. It's not a good position to be in.
I want to have that life-long soul mate connection that SLM mentioned. I want to never get enough of that with the guy that I'm with. How wonderful that would be.
I always doubt myself though. Is it possible at 42 to find that??

Thanks guys,
Karona

Karona,

Of course this is all just my amatuer opinion and life experiences so thank God I am not getting paid or we'd end up in court! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Passion is NOT about your partner. Romance is NOT about your partner.

I have been passionately in love, I have been romantically in love...not neccessarily with the same people and they weren't neccessarily feeling that for me at the same time, if at all.

While that may sound like a recipe for disaster and heartbreak, it really isn't because BEING passionate, BEING romantic is about you and your perceptions of yourself.

When I posted the other message I was talking about healing/growing relationships. Karona, you said you have never been that way, passionately in love, romantically voracious and that is perfectly OK. If it is something you would LIKE to have in your life now is the time to work on that portion of yourself.

Why haven't you felt that?

What could be holding you back from opening up and feeling those things?

Answer those questions and you will probably find the key to unlocking that side of yourself. I see you did give a partial answer to them in your other post. You are a very private person Karona. Don't mistake privacy, or use privacy as an excuse to keep that wonderful side of you hidden. THis is completely amateur mind you but being passionate about something doesn't have to be about a person. I'm sure there are many things you find yourself engrossed in, and passionately interested in.

Romance, and being romantic, is a leap of faith. It takes immense strength and faith in yourself and huge trust in yourself. Why strength, faith and trust in you? Strength to tell yourself it is OK to open up, Faith that you will enjoy it no matter what comes, and trust enough in yourself to trust others again.

Now none of this needs to have sex involved. You can be incredibly romantic/passionate without sex at all. We are human and we do (for the most part) crave touch, that human interaction, that connection. Most of us are coming out of marriages where that "touch" was there, we got used to it, we enjoyed it and don't like being without it. Some folks morals say "no, nothing till married" and thats OK...some say "Everything but sex, kissing, hand holding, arm in arm strolling" and that is OK...People like me and others, well, once there is an emotional bond I see no problem with doing everything and thats OK too. The only issue with doing "everything" is if you let that cloud your perception of the rest of the relationship, sometimes sex can push those gigantic red flags to the back of your mind....not good.

Karona, you said #7 was right on. Why was that? See, that points out to me that you ARE growing. You allowed yourself to be stripped down to the bare essentials without worry. Do you see how much different that is than in the past? That means you are learning and it also means you can take credit for this growth and expand on it.

Here is the real reason why this breakup hurts so bad Karona, it's free advice so take it for what it is worth.....

It lacked a healthy and loving ending...since most of these relationships will end it is better if they end in a healthy adult way. I like you, you like me but it just isn't to be. That isn't what happened with yours because the two of you tried to make it last longer than was healthy because one or both of you were eyeing the future rather than the present.

When you try to stretch out a short term relationship, such as this, into something longer than it's natural life-span, you both make it more stressful than it needs to be. When you finish stretching it till it breaks, it snaps back in your face like a rubber-band and hurts alot more than it has too.

Karona, just for future reference...a few things to keep in mind
1.Openness and honesty
2.Living in the present, take one day at a time
3.Taking ownership for your feelings and express them..no "i'm fine" or "Nothing's wrong" statements
4.Talking about your needs and listening to your partners

Following these simple rules will allow for a few things but most importantly....
1. Will allow you to see and know the difference between a short term growing relationship and the basis for a LTR
2. Allow you to open yourself up to more passionate/romantic experiences
3. Allows you to recognize when a healing relationship has reached it's natural life-cycle

How about a couple questions that may help? You don't have to answer them ont he board if you don't want too but I think you'll find your answers very interesting...be completely honest with yourself OK?

1. Are you afraid of becoming vulnerable?
2. How would you have handled things differently with this healing/growing relationship?
3. Are you afraid of being hurt again?
4. Can you forgive yourself for letting someone else in the past be responsible for your happiness.
5. If you did let someone have that control over you, was it as a child? And if so has it been detrimental to your adult relationships?
6. If it happened as an adult, is it stopping you from freeing yourself and opening up?

Alright Karona, I've rambled enough for 10 people. The thought process isn't very linear here so forgive me, I was trying to touch on a bunch of crap in one shot.

Talk later
RebornMan

So tell me Reborn, what's your day job???

Just kidding! You just seem to have some incredible insight, and I'm tryng to absorb it all.

I have raised my eyebrows with your questions, but I'm printing this, and going to ponder them and answer them.

I do know that I do hold back. I don't know why. Perhaps it's that I have not found my soul mate yet. While I was married for 18 years, I don't consider my x as my soul mate.
Yes I was faithful, yes I loved him and that not always being in love with him.

Your question about the passion/romance, my response was meant as, I had never had it until HIM, Mr. Wonderful. And it was incredible.
I never knew I could love like that, or be loved like that. It was the whole package! But that other stuff got in the way.
I think the reason I never had before was all a trust issue.
I kid you not, as soon as I got married, moved to Fl with my husband, I lost trust in him. He moved down 3 mos before we got married. We got married 6/29, July 4th weekend we went to a party. All the chatting starting going on about what was taking place while he was down there that 3 mos.
He had quite the good time. I don't think he slept with anyone, but I can tell you, he wasn't acting the part of the groom to be! He was very much enjoying the beach life and all it had to offer.
I think I shut down myself from that point on.

As far as #7, as I have mentioned, my daughter had a very serious illness which was at the same time as the affair was exposed. I have been taken down to my bare soul.
I told ONLY ONE person about the affair during the span of one year. I figured my family had enough to deal with, with my daughters illness. I couldn't burden them with this too.
The following year, when x announced he had to be with her, I finally caved and told my family.
He moved out shortly after, and shortly after that, Mr. Wonderful came to me.
He listened, he cared, and he helped me. I was at the lowest darkest point of my whole life. The double whammy from Hell!

I know that I am a different person today because of these events. They have made me stronger, and I have a much easier time sharing my feelings. I learned I had to depend on family and friends. I have always wanted to only depend on me.
The only explanation I have for holding them all in before was that was just the way I was raised. My mother is that way, and so is my grandmother.

As always, I really appreciate your help through this.
I slept last night, the whole night!! I was shocked this morning when I woke up. I haven't slept for a week, or ate much.
You all have helped me tremendously. Thank you!

Karona