Still,

I don't have a thread anymore...I just bounce around from thread to thread like a tramp.

I did figure out one thing lately...I'm moving to loosiana..lol..right into the heart of [censored]-a$$ country <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Je vous ai dit que mon Français était peu un faible. Vous l'avez dit la manière que j'ai voulue dire à, le bon travail!

Vous êtes une belle personne, ma peu de reine de cajun.

I am planning on revealing my 3 idiot moments, although it is hard to pick just 3 you know?

SLH, volez l'attention? No way!

See ya in Idiotville

RebornMan

Yes, it is possible to find that at 42, even 45, or 50.

K,

If you have a minute, would you email me please?

stonegatestablesatyahoodotcom

StillLovingHim

K, I like R's words too. I'm filing them away.
I now have a description for my current, a growing relationship. It will die a natural death, sometime.

Hey Newly,

I'm saving them too. He has offerred some very good advice to me.

I'm a mess, completely.
It's so weird, I was the one the whole time putting the restraints on, now that its over I'm devestated!

I can't eat, sleep, I'm running on raw nerves.

I have passed him on the road a couple of times.
I'm in such a state, that I just went numb. I didn't cry, didn't freak, I was just numb.

I can't stand the thought of seeing him in person, I'm sure that will be one tuff moment.

Are you okay with your relationship dying? Is this your first since your divorce?

It was great to hear from you. I'm wondering where our Buddy StillR is??/

Thanks for checking in.
K.

Hi K, I'm here. Did you miss my post above, asking you to email me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was hoping we could chat via email so that I wouldn't have to bore everyone with my story again. LOL! No drama, no theatrics, nothing -- not even an affair -- so there are more than a few people who have asked me why I am complianing so heartily about my H. Mostly just unmet needs.

If you'd prefer posting rather than email, however, I can. . . just say the word.

I know this sounds so trite, but things will get better, K. And we are all here for you.

SLH

I hope still is off having fun.
My relationship isn't dead, it's just a deadend.
For me, its a safe place to be for now, and test my communication skills.
He doesn't want to meet my kids any more than I want to introduce him - so that says alot.
We treat each other well and with respect and enjoy each other's company, but there is no depth to it.
But searching again is a risk.

Oh! tomorrow is kindergarten graduation. My little one is so proud. Caps & Gowns and pomp & circumstance. It should be fun, then I'm taking my girls to the beach afterward. Yeah.

StillLovingHim,
I'm sorry, I thought I had wrote to you. Something must have happened. Like the operator did something wrong.
I will try again. I sent you a note last night.

Newly,
I hope Still is doing something fun. I know her life was a little topsy-turvy too, and I have been thinking of her.

That's sad about the relationship.Take Reborns advice on that. Apparently I should have. Trust me, the longer it goes on, the tougher it is to let go!!

Have a great time at the graduation. Wow, that seems late. Do your kids get out this late??

Take care,
K.

I just tried to mail you again SLM.

Please look and see if you got it.

K.

I'm taking one day at a time, but looking forward!

I booked a flight to FL in August to catch up with a couple of great friends.
I'm looking forward to it. It will be a quick weekend, but it's my first solo trip without my children.

I "think" I'm thinking more clearly the last day maybe two.

Last night I discarded tons of cards and letters. I read only a couple of them, but for the most part, just threw them away.

I'm not keeping the glimmer, rather more thinking that it's all for the best.
I'm feeling more irritated that he tried to push me into a marriage that I wasn't prepared to be in.

I appreciate all the support I have been given on this. I can't thank you all enough.

Karona

Karona,

I'm glad you are taking a little vacation. It'll recharge the soul you know!

It may be hard and many emotions will flow but really, no need to be irritated or upset.

You've grown, gotten better, learned more about you and what you want. I call that a win. It's OK to look back and relish the good feelings from the relationship. They were real and rewriting his motives won't help you.

It was what it was...fun at times, confusing, needs met, on and on...

All part of a healing/growing relationship.

You'll be fine Karona.....in time you will see it for exaclty what it was.

RebornMan

Thanks Reborn,

I think your right, in time, I will understand it much better.

It's not as raw as it was 4 days ago, so I have hope that in 4 more, it will even be less.

Thanks for sharing the info that you know, it has helped me so much.
Can you tell me the book that you had read? I have the Mars Venus Starting Over, is it that one?
I might like to pick it up.

Thanks again,
Karona

Karona, darling, you have mail <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RBM, You're looking mighty fine in that Speedo and heels today! haw haw!

hugs K!

slh

Karona,

If this is your first long term relationship post your divorce
it really sounds as if you've learned a lot about yourself.

Now, make a list, I know this may sound weird, but seriously, make a list of ALL the good Qualities about this man that attracted you to him that you want in a future relationship, and make another list of things you don't want in a relationship in the future.

I don't know how many men you've dated in the past or even been mildly attracted to, but look back at all of them, and figure out what it was, those certain qualities they had that caught your attention.

Not just the physical attributes that attracted you, but the
internal, sense of humor, honesty, a person of integrity, a good work ethic, someone who can fix things around the house, someone strong within their own relationship with the Lord, Who has some Spiritual depth to them, committed to you, who enjoys your company as much as you enjoy his, someone who can communicate well through tough issues as well as minor issues, someone who is good at managing money for the present and the future.

What is it that you want in a man? After you've written your list out, pray about it, hang it up by your bed, and pray about it once a week.

this is actually something my sister and I both did, however, she did that before she married the first time, and well, I'm a slow learner and didn't think to make a list until after I was twice divorced.

God answered her prayers the first time around, and she has been married some 20+ years. Sure they have had their problems over the years, but they have always been able to work them out. And well, He answered mine this time around, and knowing what I know now, there are a couple of things I could have added to my list, but they are minor issues, that so far we have been able to work through.

Sorry I'm so behind getting back to you TR.

I think this is very sound advice. I think I will do exactly that.

I have been doing so much praying. Not to bring him back, but to help myself understand, and to take it from me because it is more than I can carry alone.

I can't believe the loss I feel.
This is my first relationship since my divorce, which obviously I started too soon. That was always a guilt trip for me, and it very much played a role in things.

I was 21 when I met my xh, and 22 when we married. Before that, I had the standard young love relationships.

The unknown is so frightening. Right now, my huge fear is that I lost the greatest guy and one that treated me with everything he had in him.

Life is full of lessons, and apparently its one for me to learn from.

Thanks for the tip!!

Karona

I think your intuition was strong, and he knew it. You should be pleased to know you are strong enough to take care of yourself, even when there is a price to pay.

Thanks Deja, but that's not to say that I'm not hurting like crazy, still.

I wonder if he has moved on so easily, that he doesn't think of me, and that hurts.
I'm trying to be strong and realize that THIS IS for the best, but to tell the truth, it feels anything but.

Thanks again,
Karona

Karona,

His moving on so quickly says NOTHING about you, but everything about HIM.

He was pushing for a marriage you were not ready for, can you imagine how miserable you would have felt had you jumped into that line of thinking?

I've come to understand, Satan sends HIS BEST, Before God sends HIS BEST!!

Your backing away, and not giving into the presure to jump into marriage just to be married, is a healthy thing. And I believe it was the Holy Spirit telling you, "This is not right, Wait, and I will bring someone better."

Can I also suggest you read Isaiah 54, I think it will bring you much comfort and a change of perspective.

Karona,

I just read your thread in its entirety, and I can honestly say that you are getting some outstanding insight from everybody who has posted here.

There are only a couple of things I would like to add. First, when you are thinking about what you want in a man....take that one step further in thinking about what you want in a M. You intuition sent up 'red flags' when he pushed for M. My bet is that your intuition was telling you that although you really enjoy this man's company and companionship, you were able to recognize that this man was not 'ready' for a 'healthy' relationship.

This is completely apparent to me when you describe say:

One thing I have realized from my A and my failed M is that I don't want a man who will 'rearrange the stars' for me. Nor do I want someone who will 'do anything' for me. Instead, I want to rearrange my own stars, and do things for myself. From a man, I want someone who will RESPECT that I want to do that, and SUPPORT me. I also want a man who will not be everything that I want....rather than will be everything he wants.

I know that sounds funny, but I truly believe that a healthy couple will not change FOR each other, but WITH each other. They each maintain their individuality, and their individual strength - but find support, encouragement, and trust within one another. And THAT's what makes a successful relationship.

It would seem to me that you fell into a trap which most of us fall into. You were at a low point, and turned to someone else to help pull you up. And within that relationship, you found someone you could trust and depend on. But what you did not find was someone who was 'healthy' and truly ready for a 'healthy' relationship. He pushed for M, he would have done anything for you, he needed to be needed, he turned immediately to another woman when you were not available. IMVHO, he was not a good candidate.

Not that it makes your loss any less significant. You feel you have lost the support, the care, the security. But what you will soon discover is that all of that resides inside YOU. And it will be your job to work through all of this to find it within yourself and not need it from another man. It won't be easy, but if I can do it, you definitely can <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I truly think you are grieving what 'could have been.' But you MUST keep faith in what you want.....and be proud of yourself for standing up for what you want. If you had done anything different, odds are you would have ended up in a failed R or M in the future. And the pain would only be more than it is now.

For now, feel the pain. Appreciate what the pain represents - that you have the capability to LOVE. And that you are a compassionate, caring, and loving person. Realize that he's just not the 'right' one. And as much as you miss him, hurt from his moving on (it always hurts when it's someone else), and miss the relationship.......know that YOU DID THE RIGHT THING - you stood up for what you want in an R. And further along, you will find the right man who will not only be everything you want in a man...but also everything you want in a M.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, Karona. Keep faith - you will pull through just fine. It will take time, but use the experience to learn about yourself. Just like everybody else said <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thank you once again TR. I will go to my Bible and read this chapter, I promise.

I'm still working on the last bit of advice you gave, but I fully intend on doing what you have suggested. I'm working on my list!!

LIT,
Funny the things you say, I just came from church, and this is like a summation of the sermon.

"For now, feel the pain. Appreciate what the pain represents - that you have the capability to LOVE. And that you are a compassionate, caring, and loving person"

Funny how pain and sorrow can be so powerful in life, but I guess it must be.

Of course, at this point, I'm still not seeing this whole thing as that I have made the best choice. I'm still stuck in the, what have I done/lost mode. I do have a strong faith, and I have hope that I will be shown what is intended for me.

I keep rereading something that Reborn said, to finish what I have started, to be true to myself, to not cheat myself out of fixing what needs to be fixed within me.(not his exact words, but I believe it is his intent) That's powerful advice. I have known this all along, but I think I have lost sight of it along the way. It was easy to let someone help me, but I always knew I had to do it on my own.

I appreciate what you have said. Everyone here is so helpful and shares so much insight.

Thanks,
Karona