LT~~~
That must be ONE MORE "alien like" statement that goes along with the affair spouse.

I was 39 when affair(s) was revealed to me. OW was 28 or 29.
I remember like it was yesterday, x telling me, her age has NOTHING to do with it.
I don't consider this one a trophy either, but apparently he is proud none the less. More power to him!

Something that amazes me about myself though is...
About 2 weeks ago, I was handing him something of my youngest daughter's. Our fingers touched. It gave me such a queer feeling. Something really weird happened in my stomach. Like he was such a stranger to me, one that I really don't have much feeling for anymore. I don't want anything bad to happen to him by any means, but this was the man that I spent so many years with. So strange how time changes your emotions.

K.

I was 49, H was 48, and MOW was 21, a former employee. H also told me age had nothing to do with it. He said "MOW shines for me." I think he meant she looked up to him with adoration. He even once told me how mature she was! I took that as a statement of where he was at emotionally.

It's been 3 years of no contact with a restraining order to maintain it. As far as I know, neither of them has worked in 5 years. It's hard anymore to relate to the feelings I had when he left. I'm no longer angry, hurt, resentful, and distraught. I no longer want him back. I don't wish him any harm. I just want to be done with him.

From the time I first arrived on the JFO board, then GQII, then Recovery (I thought!), even D/D, I felt "if only he'd get sober" we could recover our marriage. We were together 18 years and the feelings took a long time to die, but they're finally gone. With the sadness, mixed with the sadness of another relationship ending, comes relief.

I went down the same path. Look at how far we have come!!!

Both of my x's affairs were with co-workers.

Of course his w looked at him with adoration! These guys kill me!! It's all about "them". These women made them feel like Kings!! They saw opportunity and seized it!
(I really don't think I'm as bitter as I used to be, although when I read this, it sounds like I am. I'm laughing just a bit while typing this. It's almost kind of funny at this point)(funny only in the fact that they were so blind, not that it happened).

The OW are so wonderful. Mine told me, that OW didn't expect anything. I don't know if that meant for him to leave me or material. Who knows and at this point, who cares.
But I can say, she was the one who had her lawn done and had the housekeeper.(which she has neither now) I on the other hand, was doing it all just a 1/2 mi up the road, on my own. But you know what, I had great pride in my yard. I did it myself from dirt up. Funnier to me now is, I did the landscaping (if you would like to call it that, it was just my own taste/creation) He moved into her home right after divorce was final in '03. This summer, didn't they go purchase the same rock that I used. Mind you, it's very attractive, but it was still funny to me. My youngest even asked her dad, "Dad, why did you get the same rock that mom used at our house"
Of course, him being who he is, Mr Oblivious, "What do you mean"
I loved my yard! Of all the things from my new house that I miss the most,it is the yard, especially in the Spring.

But, all in all, I'm content and the life I had there is a memory. The girls asked me to drive up to it the other day.
I hesitated, but I did. It looked very nice, well kept, but I didn't have any attachment to it.

K.

We've all been through so much in this whole process. My H and I sold the house we built together, our "dream house", last fall, under judge's orders so WH could buy himself and MOW a house. I moved into a travel trailer on a vacant piece of land we own that I intend to keep. I put in a well, septic, barn and fencing for horses, and get a generator for power. My current property backs up on the old property. I've been to see it since the new people moved in and it looks very nice. Like you, I feel no attachment to it anymore.

From the rumors I've heard, WH and MOW's relationship has gotten pretty weird. Remember, he's an addict/alcoholic and I suspect she is, too. All I want now is to be done with them and move on with my life. I still hope someday, even at my ripe old age, LOL, to enjoy the love and commitment I wanted to have in my marriage. I've read here that the statistics for 2nd marriages are worse than for 1st marriages, but I hope that for those of us who've studied MB and done some work on ourselves, it will be better, not more of the same!

LT~~

Your right, so many of us do share similar stories. I feel really pretty fortunate, in that mine was fairly simple. While I have read some much more ivolved and uglier on here.

The thing that struck me about your story though was, how strong you must be to do what you have done. And I have pride in that for myself also.
While our x's went from our home's to moving in with someone else (mine a young guy first, then ow). We on the other hand set ourselves up and didn't depend on someone else.

I can't imagine for a minute what it's like to be married to an addict/alcoholic. I'm sure you have you share of horrow stories to go along with this.
I'd say you most likely are correct about this other person also, as far as having the same "illness".

What a waste of two lives! That's about all one can say.

I have hope for both of us that we will find something truly special.
I would agree that the rate of divorce is higher the second time around.
I'm trying to work on my shortcomings and learn what I can to help my self be the healthiest person/partner I can be. I don't want to be one of the statistics.

You have heard the stories I'm sure, but I have one also.
I have an Aunt (bless her heart, she just passed away last month)I think she was in her 70's when my uncle died. (these are great's by the way)I believe the story goes, that she went to her high school reunion, and one of her "old" boyfriends from long ago was there also.
I don't know the time frame, but they did marry, and they spent the rest of their years as happy as two can be.
So see, there is hope for us!!
But, I'm not suggesting that we wait until we are in our 70's!!

Are you still doing okay? I know for me, I had my days where part of the day I was good, the other part not so good.

Take care,
K

K, It takes time, but most of us here eventually pick ourselves back up and rebuild, hopefully stronger than we were. As we're learning, true strength doesn't mean building walls, it means being able to live without walls, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. In my marriage I was afraid to be vulnerable - not only was it unsafe, but I'd learned as a child that staying in control gave me power in difficult situations. This ability is valuable in emergencies, but damaging to intimacy.

I'm learning the hard way to trust God and that's been difficult. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 years ago, my mother had died less than 2 years earlier of breast cancer and I heard the diagnosis as a death sentence. Now I know many more survivors than those who've died but at the time I wasn't aware of this. I had the strongest sense that God was the only one who I could hang on to, and I did.

After he left, my H told me he'd been planning to leave me before the diagnosis but then stayed to help me through it. He wasn't drinking then and I have to appreciate this kindness because he went with me to every session of chemo except if a friend was visiting who could go with me instead. But, he did stop having sex with me after the mastectomy and for the next two years until four months before he left.

When H left, I turned to God again and returned to Al-Anon, which focuses on developing a relationship with the God of our understanding. I had a terrible tragedy a little over a year ago that really strained my relationship with God. My stepson, who I helped raise since he was less than a year old, shot himself to death at the age of 23. His wife had left him, he was with another woman that night, and he was very drunk. He'd had legal troubles with drugs, but told me earlier that year, "I don't have a problem with alcohol." I was angry at God but even worse, I felt like he didn't exist for me anymore.

Several months later last Fall, my H took me to court to sell the house so he could buy a house for himself and MOW. Now the challenge I'm facing is the divorce and whether I can keep the business I've been running alone for 5 years, supporting him and MOW who haven't worked in that time. He doesn't want it and can't keep it because his substance abuse is known by the agency that licenses us but, my sense is, he wants an income for life.

This is the wreckage of alcoholism. Unfortunately for me, it's also my life. I'm rebuilding my relationship with God because I'm reaching the point again where I realize God is really all I have. People come and go, they betray us, die, move away, we break up, but God is constant.

I hope to reach a point where this is enough, where I feel complete and happy without a relationship. Right now, that means cutting the umbilical cord by which STBXH has attached himself to me. I'm expecting a wail of protest as he emerges from the womb with a bunch of legal manuevering to keep me supporting him for as long as he can get it. I may have to lose even more, including the business, to get free of him.

As for XBF, I still feel sad, miss having someone to go places and do things with, even just hanging out. But, I'm more sure than I was at first, that it was never going to be more for either of us.

(((((LetsTry))))))I big hug to you.

When I first read your post, I was totally taken back. I just didn't know what to say.
I'm so sorry for the turn of events in your life. I can't tell you how sorry I am for your losses, and what you have endured youself.
I know that we question things sometimes, I think we all do. But, I think we have to keep our faith. If we don't, what else do we have. I think we just have to believe there will be something better for us. We just have to be patient, and put our trust in him.

Alcoolism is real and the effects are devestating, as you well know. It amazes me through all of this, how far UP you have come. You could have easily just sat down and crumbled. But, you overcame a huge obstacle, and have soley ran a business for the past 5 years, alone! That is incredible. I sincerely hope the best outcome for you with this whole procedure you have looming overhead. I'm sure you have to prepare for the worst where he is concerned. Assuming he will fight you to the end. And, hopefully, you will be pleasantly surprised.

I know what you mean on the xbf stuff. I miss having the same things, BUT.......we always seem to have that *but* don't we. I keep asking myself, is it really HIM you miss, or the security of him?? I would say a little of both, but I think alot of it is just having him to talk to.

Take care,
K.

Thanks for the support. I think if I'd seen it all coming, I probably would've crumbled.

I think the fact that we even have the "BUT..." is answer enough. I wish he'd been "the one" because it would be so much easier. As for the "just having him to talk to", I'm a talker and XBF isn't. I could talk but he always seemed to be making an effort to listen and there wasn't the give and take I'd like. That's probably one of the biggest issues I had with him in contrast to STBXH, who I always enjoyed talking to.

Boy, isn't that the truth? If I had known about the life changes to come in my own life, I would have crumbled I'm sure of it!

Your right, we have to pay attention to the but...

Any plans for your weekend? Mine is pretty quiet. My girls are with their father for the weekend. I have rented Diary of a Mad Black Woman. It will probably fire me up!

Hope things are well for you.
K.

Actually, I've got lots of plans for this weekend. I've been feeling pretty good the last few days. Tonight I went out on my boat with friends to listen to jazz on the lake and had a nice time.

Every once in a while I still get hit by waves of nostalgia for fun times with XBF and feelings of rejection that, even though it was mutual, he could get over me so easily. I still want to feel special to someone someday.

That's great LT~~

The boating sounds like fun!!

I know what you mean about the feelings and such.
Have you ever heard the description of the mountains and valleys?
Where we don't learn while were on top of the world. But, when we are down in the valley, that is where we grow.

I like to think of this as my Valley time. And that I'm slowly becoming the best I can be to share with someone else someday.

Enjoy your events!!
Karona

LetSTry:

Life is certainly not always fair, and you've had your share of hills & valleys. By & large though - it sounds like you're doing pretty well. The tragedies and effects from an affair/divorce are never good and I feel that all of us will be hit by those occasional waves of nostalgia for the rest of our lives. I know the waves will diminish more & more with time because mine continue to become less frequent and hold less "emotional power".

Although I'm sure you loved your stepson very much - you have to know that there were much deeper issues going on within him to go to the extreme that he did. It may be too painful right now, but in time, you will see that to be true. I think the hardest part (for you) in situations like his are that you still see so much of him as he was in his younger years - while still an innocent boy learning about the world. That is only natural.

I can also relate to your boat trip - listening to music with friends. We do the same down here in Fl. My sister and BIL recently acquired a HUGE pontoon boat that holds about 12 people (16+ after a couple of rounds of margaritas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)
Of course our night trips usually turn into alligator-catching, midnight swimming adventures. But it is relaxing until those shenanigans start. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you're healing rather well. It's my assumption that someone will soon 'discover' you and this will all be a distant memory. just don't forget your MB-friends when this happens. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FR

Ahhh, now you two are making me jealous!

Actually, a friend of mine and her boyfriend just got a boat like that. I'm hoping soon for an invite!!
I could partake in a few shenanigans myself, but, think I would skip the alligator hunt. It would be fun to watch though!

Karona

FR - That's what I've got - a huge pontoon boat! I didn't even put it in the water last year because it needed new seat covers and the canopy restitched - which I got this year - but also because of bad memories - WH and MOW lived on it from time to time the previous year and left it a mess - I'll spare the details, but remember, they're severe substance abusers...

We saw a bald eagle swoop, dive, and catch a fish, but no alligators.... Some kids came out with us a few weeks ago and I had them pretty convinced there were piranhas in the lake, but I didn't think about alligators... Wow, you really jump in the water with ALLIGATORS?!

Yes, my SS had many problems. The saddest thing is he never let on how he was feeling to anyone - not parents, not his 1/2 sister who thought she was his closest confidant, not his friends, not even his wife. On top of that, he was in dive school, doing well, talking about future goals, and well liked by classmates and instructors. He finally seemed to be turning his life around... Of course, like his dad, he masked his feelings with drugs and alcohol.

I've tried to leave MB a few times, but something keeps drawing me back... This time it was this new forum. Eventually will need a special board for MB seniors!

K - if that hills and valleys thing is true, then why is it I'm not a frickin' genious?! Instead, I have a serious case of CRS!

LT~~ I think you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your story I believe will touch someone, in some way. I know it did me. To go through what you have went through, and keep your business running takes strength and determination. And YOU did that!

I agree with you on the new forum. I was fading away from the D/D board, but this offers some good stuff and of course, good people.

Karona

Thanks K. I see growth and strength in most of us who've hung in here, whether the marriage recovered or ended in divorce. As you said, we can learn and grow stronger in the valleys, that is, if we don't sink in the muck - for example, a woman I work with still blames every problem in her life on the XWH she hasn't seen in 10 years. Thanks to MB and Al-Anon, I don't have to end up like that!

What I hope for the future is that I can also learn to grow on the mountain tops, or at least on the uphill slopes. I've spent too long in the valleys and I'm ready for some mountain climbing! What about you?

BTW, three times today I ran into different women friends of XBF who greeted me with that "I'm so sorry" look, though only one said anything about it. Since it was so recent, it's still news (the joys of small town living!). Just one more bumpy spot on the trail, I guess... How are you doing with your recovery?

Your Welcome LT~
I'm so glad I'm not the woman you are describing. I can't imagine living like that. I bet she's a party to be around.

As far as being down in the valley, I'd like to think I'm starting up!

Well how was that for you running into these women? Did your stomach do a flip?

As far as me, I'm doing pretty well. I still wonder if I messed up. I still wonder if anyone will ever treat me with the respect/affection that this person did.
I believe I'm worthy of it, I just question my location and if it's possible.
I try to give myself credit for being true to myself and not settling when I felt like there was "something" that I wasn't sure of.
What I am seeing though is that I'm growing. My being in that relationship was not allowing that to happen. It was a bandaid for my pains. I really feel like I'm healing, and it feels good.
Thanks for asking!

Talk to you soon.
K.

You're welcome, too. How's that book you're reading, BTW?

I started reading Mars and Venus Starting Over and read something that reminded me of your situation in a section entitled HOW MEN AVOID THE PAIN OF LOSS:

"When a man does not understand this need to take time before moving on, he will either avoid or minimize his feelings by becoming overly engaged in work, or he will rush right into another relationship to soothe his wounds. This explains why many men tend to move on very quickly from one relationship to another. If his problem is the loss of love, then he solves that problem by finding love again. When he rushes into another relationship right away, his actions do not mean he did not love the woman with whom he was previously involved. His behavior is in no way a reflection fo how much he cared. He is just seeking to get out of his pain. In some cases, the greater the loss, the more quickly he may try to be involved in another relationship. This automatic tendency can be counterproductive."

I thought this might help you understand what happened.

LT~~

I thought the book was pretty good. A lot of it common sense, but possibly things that maybe we wouldn't think of.
I think you might like it.

I also have the Mars/Venus book. I bought it when my marriage failed. I think I was only half there while reading it, because I didn't remember a lot of it. I also read this same paragraph, and re-read it a few times. I think that's exactly what was going on. I would have to think this would be very counterproductive.

Thanks for thinking of me.

Did the rest of your weekend go well?

K.

"Thanks K. I see growth and strength in most of us who've hung in here, whether the marriage recovered or ended in divorce. As you said, we can learn and grow stronger in the valleys, that is, if we don't sink in the muck - for example, a woman I work with still blames every problem in her life on the XWH she hasn't seen in 10 years"

LetsTrym

I am in awe of you and what you have come through...and for the better! You should be very proud of yourself. Always look to the positive and future and you'll be fine. I totally agree with what you wrote above. It is so sad when a person gives up their life to bitterness.

Karona,
Hugs to you sweetie. No advice, just hugs.