I have a question for all of you. She is involved with a co-worker, and she's filled out her ENQ for me. I've studied it, but I'm confused about how to execute Plan A and continue to practice the policy of radical honesty. For me to meet her emotional needs, I need to be supportive and specifically avoid being the source of any pain or discomfort for her. How can I do this and continue to be completely honest about my feelings regarding her continued involvement with OM? She has expressed to me that any display of discomfort on my part is interpreted as disapproval (judgement) or outright non-acceptance of her as a person. Should I experience my pain in isolation? Am I supposed to refrain from radical honesty if it's going to violate plan A? HELP!
Specifically here's what's going on to prompt my confusion. WS and I are going to a company function of hers, where OM and OM's brother (who WS has had an EA with in the past) are going to be at. I am NOT enthusiastic about being there if I'm going to be in contact with these two, especailly the current OM. I tried to express to WS that I would like to negotiate regarding the event, as I would love to attend with her, but I am averse to contact with OM and OM's brother. This did not go well. I realize that Plan A pretty much centers around ignoring my Taker, and indulging her EN's as much as possible. What should I do about this upcoming event?

I've given up hoping that the PA/EA she's in with OM is going to just fizzle out, I'm concerned that she's already condemned me and D is eventually inevitable. But I am still hoping that Plan A works... I just want to make sure I'm doing things right.

Did you already buy "Suviving An Affair"? Do that first, then make an appointment with Dr. Harley.

In the meantime, you need to understand that you can't trust your instincts right now. Plan A is about doing everything your mind tells you not to do. It is a PLAN. A roadmap to end the affair. When the A ends, Plan A ends. It is not to rebuild your M -- that can't happen till the A ends. It's not to get your needs met -- that can't happen till the A ends.

The path of the BS is very difficult. As many have said before, it's not for wimps! But it does work. Are you going to MC? Have you heard of Retrouvaille? I recommend you sign up ASAP.

Your WS is in a fog. She thinks she found her soulmate and she's confused as to what to do. Plan A is about convincing her that your M can change -- it can be better, it can be rebuilt. Be the beacon of light to her fog-addled mind -- show her the way back to you.

This requires very tough work for the BS. We can't LB. We can express our disappointment and hurt, but we can't yell or scream or call our WS' names. You have to remain calm and (ugh!) supportive. If you feel like a doormat, you're doing it right!

But the only way a BS can do this is if he is taking care of himself. Are you seeing an IC? Are you eating right? Are you getting a little exercise? Call an old friend, make a new one. Pick up an old hobby. Go to the park. Read and post here.

Okay, now to your specific situation. Expressing your feelings in a healthy way is not an LB. She doesn't like it? Tough. Calmly tell her that you love her and want her and want to make your M better than ever, BUT there is no room for a third person. End of story.

As for your pain, it's okay to cry in front of her once and awhile, but you can't be doing the waterworks every time she walks in the house. Plan A is about making her wonder. You start taking care of yourself. You start doing fun things. She wonders what is going on with you.

Personally, I would go to the company function. I'm not sure if that is good Plan A advice, though. I would arrive looking hot and with a big smile on my face. After all, I'm there with my *husband*. What do you think will go through OM's mind? 'Why is she still with him? If she loves me, why can't she leave him? Maybe there's something about this situation I don't know about.' Keep them *both* guessing. This is your game, not theirs.

So what is your story? How long has EA been going on? How long have you been married? Any kids?

I pulled this up for you, hope it might be helpful. It is an excellent rehash of Plan A by Cerri (who is a MB trained coach):

kam
Wow!! thank you so much, that clarified so many ambiguities and questions I had about Plan A. Here I was planning on letting myself be totally abused and unrecognized in an effort to show my WS how committed I am! A line from a song by Offspring comes immediately to mind "the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right? Yeah!" uh-huh.. SURE!! thanks so much
you know, she's told me to avoid the whole "exposure" aspect of plan a because there will be consequences to her at work... WOW that hurt. Her words were "that will not go well" and although I totally understand her point of view that it will ruin her career path there, I just felt SO small when she said that. As if not only the OM meant more than our marriage, but her JOB meant more... hell for all I know at this point her favorite pair of shoes means more to her than "us" and that just ruins me. But Plan A IS about the WS, so I'll stick to that. I'll post about my quandry with exposure and see what you brilliant people come up with. You guys ALL kick major booty.

Kam-

"Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to."

I am confused about something in this paragraph. It says Harley suggests 6 months for men and 3 months for women. Does this mean 6 months if the BS is a man? or if Plan A is in response to a male WS's activities? please clarify if you can, or if anyone else would like to put in their feedback that would be cool too
Thanks! CT

I'm glad if the post helped...I've always thought it was something anyone in Plan A should read.

I'm not an expert, but my understanding is that the longer time for Plan A was if the BS was male, and the shorter time was if the BS was female. And, if I recall, the recommendations are general recommendations, based on the his observation that women (in general, as a whole) tend to be able to maintain a good Plan A for a shorter time.

Kathi