Last month, I discovered that WW was having what I think was an EA with OM whom she plays badminton with on a weekly basis. She would be up until 4am sending emails back and forth to OM. (After discovering this relationship, she agreed to send me all of the emails.) Although she did not write anything explicit and wrote that she was in a loving relationship with me, she did not object to his suggestive remarks and admits to "flirting" with him. He apparently shared his feelings with her personally one night at badminton and she said she told him she wasn't interested, but did not mention it to me at the time. The emails continue back and forth after that and he even gets so bold to tell her she is a MILF. The next email she sends is a NC email, but within two days, she's is back to writing to him about the type of men she is attracted to and he asks her about her first sexual encounter. D-day occurs soon after.

My first question is, does this constitute an EA? Can I construe her "passiveness" as a betrayal? Even though there was no explicitness or overt returning of affection, I believe she was satisifying an emotional need outside the marriage. She even followed the classic tactic when discovered; she made up some excuses about her relationship. She said it was a ploy to investigate what made such a obviously deceitful man (he confessed to her to have had an other affair earlier) tick and that there was no emotional attachment. And then she got angry at me. It sure feels like a betrayal to me. Or am I overreacting?

My second question involves the NC stage. She asked me if she could continue to play in the same session as OM and I agreed because I know that she really loves the game. She sent him a NC email to the effect of, when we see other at badminton, please just say only hello and no more emails. All good until the first session...she says she totally ignores him and he writes her an email that night saying how heart-broken he is by her treatment of him. She writes him an email and tells him again NC. Then I stumble onto the earlier NC email she sent him after the MILF comment. Now, I'm not so sure that a NC email is enough and fear that she will let him weasel his way back into her good graces. I told her that I wanted her to quit that session, but she is resistant because there are no other places to play until September and because "you said it was okay to play". She berated me for putting her on this "roller-coaster" ride. After reading the articles on MB, it struck me that this was exactly what the section on "Withdrawal" describes. My question is, am I wrong in wanting absolutely NC? She has agreed, but she could barely contain the bitterness in her voice. Then she said, I have to work tomorrow, I'm going to sleep now.

Any thoughts on how much trouble our marriage is in would be appreciated.

PS I mentioned MC, but she didn't sound too enthuastic.

Go read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr. Willard Harley. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling.

Then decide where you and your WS stand.

L.

Hello Chubbyknees,

if nothing "happened" at this point, I'm wondering why your W seems to need to play these games. After all, she's not single, is she?

It might be a good thing to check out the Emotional Needs section. She seems to be looking for attention (flirting). Does she feel she's missing that in your M? Are you filling each other's EN's?

chubbyknees,

you are not wrong to expect NC! Yes this does constitute an EA. Hopefully, but not surely, more.

You should take a good look at the thread to arkie's Plan a guidelines (link in my signature) and read His Needs, Her Needs. Become an irresistible husband. It will make you feel good, too!

chubbyknees, she was in an emotional affair and she should end all contact before it moves onto the next stage. She should never see or contact him again. This is a boundary that I wouldn't suggest playing with, you will come to regret it. Better to take a stand now, than suffer through repeated contacts and possibly the escalation of the affair. If she ends all contact, she can withdraw from him and move on. If she continues to see him, the risk remains.