You weren't in dead marriages. If you had applied MB skills and tools to your current M you both could be happily married without hurting the spouses or the children. There is no and I repeat absolutely no excuse to cheat. Talk first, then leave the marriage if that doesn't work. I think in the end you will both be sorry for what you have lost no matter how much studying you do. Why do I say this? Because you aren't living together yet. You are raising your children in separate houses. So what happens when you do live together and the children come to visit and there are all the problems of the marriages you once had before? You will look in the mirror and say I have the same problems as before, but now with a different person. And I hurt my children for this? And I hurt the one person that I gave my vows for life to for this? Was it worth it? And you will go to your grave thinking and feeling bad that you gave up what you had for this "new" thing. I am not an angry person don't get me wrong. If I could tell you how many times I have seen this very same thing and how many times it lasts beyond a year after the affairees move in together you would see why I am telling you this.

Study until your brains fall out, you hurt innocent people and children for your own selfishness and you can't make enough excuses for what you have done. I personally would never choose to screw my children up for anyone. Unfortunately someone has done that for me and although we are together now, he has to live with that guilt forever not me. I come from a divorced family and there is never a good enough reason for not trying in my opinion.

Here read this and you will see what I mean:

http://agathaweeks.com/testimonyofafool.html

HINY

Alphin - I really don't want to go into what the stbxs's feel about the divorce or affairs. I won't pretend to be able to speak for them or know the full extent of what this has done to them.

I will be more then happy to tell you how I feel about anything you ask though.

If me being here and posting my views offends or hurts, I will gladly disappear back into my lurking. This post just hit a nerve - I didn't mean to get this involved or to butt heads with anyone on here.

Oh and I will add that I have a friend that cheated a million times with MM and on a SO that she had a son with. We spoke of this just recently and she said that she made tons of excuses for cheating. Tons of reasons why her and her SO shouldn't be together. Tons of untrue things that she justified in her mind to be horrible enough to cheat. You know what she told me, there really wasn't a reason and she isn't sure why she did it, but she has to live with it now. And she is married with other children now and still can't understand herself, but her DS11 suffers for being in a separated family.

HINY

So your view is this:

adultery is acceptable and children should be exposed to adulterous partners ... as long as YOU get the other woman's husband that you want....

I see... hmmmmmmm

Pep

Oh really? Duh. Who's been there to clean up the aftermath of your destruction? Who is it that is trying to piece the shattered souls of your children back together?

All good parents know that children learn from what we do, not what we say. Have you taught your children that it is just and good to lie and cheat in order to avoid conflict? Have you taught them that it is just fine to break a contract and cheat your partner because you happen to "feel" different than when you not only signed it, but took an oath before God? What lessons of honesty, integrity, loyalty, and love (I mean real, altruistic love, not lust) for your neighbor have you taught your children?

TO,it is one thing to mutually agree to end a "dead marriage", quite another to begin a new relationship before that mutual agreement is signed, sealed and delivered. I find your rationalization nauseating.

Other,

You have opened a can of worms on this thread, and no mistake! Please keep posting, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


OK - do you think that your STBX was unhappy about you leaving the marriage? Because, if you even think that a little, it wasn't a 'dead' marriage.

Alph.

hi, theother.

Quote:
==================================
Gimble - Our spouses informed the kids of our "others" - we did not. After that, when the kids asked questions, we were honest about seeing other people. We never asked them to join us. Eventually, they did ask to meet the other person. I think they expected awefull people, but that wasn't the case. They expected to hate the other people and they really did try, but in the end that wasn't the case either.
==================================

No offense intended theother, and I commend your guts on speaking out, but the view of the situation contained in the quote above is simplistic beyond measure, especially this line "They expected to hate the other people and they really did try, but in the end that wasn't the case either". A few years from now when you have fully awakened from your fantasy, tell me that again and I will believe you.

The simple fact is this; you haven't even begun to see the fallout from what you have done in your children and your spouses children.

I am going to throw you a nugget of truth, in hopes that you can come to terms with what you both have done, and the trouble those choices are likely to cause you in the future.

One or both of you will repeat the same behaviors that soured your previous marriages. That includes a propensity to avoid conflict in your marriage to the point that one of you seeks out a replacement partner.

If you have any desire to make your current marriage work, get into serious counseling and get your individual issues fixed. You can start by recognizing what you have done, and address the impact that IT HAS ALREADY HAD ON THE CHILDREN, and will have in the future. I will tell you this, get it fixed now, or it will bite you later.

Gimble

You who condemn and attack me, do not know me.
I'm not a perfect person - I've never claimed to be. I have made mistakes and I accept responsibility for those - not once have I denied blame.
It has been a pleasure to meet perfect people like yourselves. Perfect people who suck it up and do what's right ALWAYS. Who have never in their life hurt someone or been selfish even for a minute. Who will always be such perfect people.
Guys I'm out of my element - cuz I'm sure not perfect like you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I'd like some fries with my Diet Pepsi.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Or you could try www.gloryb.com

Please, folks - there is nothing to be gained by attacking this member, whatever we may feel about her sit.

Could we perhaps post to her calmly, and not frighten her away?

How can she understand the principals of MB if she isn't posting or at least reading here any more?

Alph.

Alphin - I wanted to answer your last post, because you have been one of the people that actually debated instead of attacking me.
My stbxh did not want to lose his "security" and the material things we have accomplished in our marriage. Other then that, I don't think it effected him emotionally - just in his pocket and that was what hurt.
Thanks for your candor and I really do wish you and everyone luck in your marriage and you lives!

the other, no one here would ever claim to be perfect and you know that from lurking. My mother married her MOM. My siblings and I have tried but have never really been able to like the man much. The undercurrent of what they did to my father and us kids is always there.

Your views are offensive to me. But you have the right to say these offensive things, just as you had the 'right' to break up two families because you wanted to have another woman's husband .


I'm sure it did hit a nerve of yours. You were trolling another family, and brought 'home' a big fish, but you don't like it when others find this offensive behavior. Guess what ... it is offensive behavior. Allowing children to be involved in your adulterous affair is offensive. But what is much worse, is trying to paint this as a 'good thing' for the kids.

You say this is OK. I say it is offensive and models bad morals to children. You did it because it suited your needs, not because it was good for kids to become a part of infidelity.

Shame on you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> for trying to feed us this horse manure and tell us we're dining on filet mignon !

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

mmmhmmm this is good HS. Can I have some ketchup with mine?

HINY

I denounce this and reject your well wishes ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Why would I do that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Because .... you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> are a person who cannot be trusted to stay away from OTHER marriages and OTHER people's children.

Buhbye

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Wow, theother, you're quick on response. I walked away from the keyboard to answer the door, and hadn't posted yet, and there are a whole slew of new posts from other members.

As I wrote, I remembered an old event. My parents were divorced, and my mother used to date married men, and only married men. I was 14, my sister was 13, and she was putting the moves on another girl's boyfriend. The girl found out, and brought a gang of girls with her to teach her a lesson. I had to deny them entry into our house while she cowered in the bathroom.

At the time of the incident, our mother was out with one of her married boyfriends for the evening.

Just a snippet and explanation that there can be aftereffects not yet glimpsed, down the road.

At the time my sister was cavorting with this guy, neither of us realized that she was practicing what she saw in our home. It just hit me today, like other memories do, when I think back.

She's a troll Alph ... spewing poisonous sugar-coated lies and telling us she means well ....

yuk ... I cannot stand this sort of poster... hard to tell how I really feel, isn't it? LOL

We get these trolls from time to time... she is not marriage building ... she is marriage defecating.

Pep

Well I think the trolling is done for now. Alph if you wish to speak with FWS you just have to call them out. There are a huge lot of wonderful people on this site that are moral loving humans willing to help you out with any questions that you might have from the WS point of view. I know that you have a lot of questions, but why ask someone that is clearly in it for themselves only, and clearly still having the fog of it all coming out there behinds.

Back to the original posts about the children...are there any laws over there or is there anyway you might be able to get a solicitor to write this up for you? If you could get custody or physical placement then you can pretty much/sort of choose when and where the children go. Or you can pretty much tell your WH that you will not allow your children to be around her ever and see how that goes over. I would try to do something legally first though for back up.

What has he said when you told him they shall not be around the tortilla for now?

HINY

Remember Alph,

This is a marriage-building site. Not a marriage ending/bashing/cheating site <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

HINY