I am a male new to this site and need your help. I had an affair in January with a woman. It was over physically before it really got started good, but I did cheat on my wife of 7 years. I continued to speak to this woman by e-mail through March and then stopped all together........that is until she e-mailed me again about three weeks ago. I e-mailed her back. I never saw her, but my wife ended up finding out about the whole thing. I admitted to the affair and was asked to leave. I bought the book "surviving an affair" and my wife did as well but she wont talk to me at all. Says that she will never trust me again. Says that she wants a divorce. We have three children and a new home. I love her with all of my heart. How can I get her to talk. It has been two weeks today since I left our home and i just want to make it work with her. I want my family back. I sent an e-mail to the other woman ending everything, asked for her not to contact me, call me or my family and blocked her e-mail address. Sent a copy to my wife. She still wont budge. I have been married to her for almost 8 years now and we have been together for almost 17. We both dated in High School and then married others, divorced and got back together and were married very quickly. Really love this woman who is for now still my wife. She hasnt filed for divorce yet, but there is no hope from her for working it out. What do i do? Please Help.

Hiya Doc. Didn't want you to be ignored. I don't have any experience with your situation but maybe I can offer some advice. In my own case it was my wife who cheated on ME.

Speaking from the other side of the fence I'd suggest first off that you read the postings by betrayed spouses no matter how painful it may be for you. It might give you some insight into what your wife is experiencing. Nothing in your life prepares you for the pain and horror of being betrayed by a spouse. It sounds to me as if you are somewhat minimizing the scope of your affair. Is part of you perhaps thinking that your wife is overreacting? Read those postings. Some are quite eloquent and you might find that they all have a common theme. There are just no words to describe the experience of discovering that your spouse has cheated on you. Try to visualize it from your wife's point of view. When you love someone their pain is your pain.

You say two weeks since your wife kicked you out and I'm guessing that it ocurred soon after she found you out. In my own case it's six weeks since my own d-day and I can tell you that the pain is just as raw and unbearable RIGHT NOW as it was the day I found out. I'd advise you to give your wife all the time she needs to adjust to her new state of mind and not push it.

This is a good place and I have found hope and comfort here. It might help you to read everything here, not just the forums. It has helped me.

I really can't tell you what to do bro, I can only tell you what I'd do, what I AM doing. Let her know how much you love her, not just in words but actions. Realize that everyone has a different reaction to being violated and that she just might not want to hear from you right now but don't give up. Put her feelings ahead of your own. You can't change the past but the future is always up for grabs. Let yourself hope but face the harsh realities as well. It's a fact that most affairs don't end a marriage. My wife didn't just have an affair, she had his baby as well and told me it was mine and I am STILL trying to save my marriage. So there ya are. Good Luck.

I certainly dont want anyone to think that I think my wife is over reacting. She is not. What I have done to her is horribly painful. I just want the rebuilding to start. I just miss her and cant "fix" it. I always want to fix things with no regard for a timeline.

Dr.P:

So sorry for the mess you find yourself in.

Understand this: It is entirely up to your W whether your M will survive. The BS holds the strings on this one.

That having been said, there are things you can do to help her decide it's worth it to try again, to give you a second chance.

The first is a "No Contact" (NC) letter, which you already sent. Let that sink in for a bit. Give her a chance to assimilate everything she's just learned.

You say you understand how horrible this is. I don't think you do.

I am not bashing you, but you need to know that this betrayal is the worst thing that can happen to a spouse. There are women who have been raped, and they say that the betrayal of a cheating spouse is worse than the rape. I will tell you I am a brain tumor survivor, and that having a brain tumor, 14 hours of neurosurgery, recovery, and all that goes along with that was NOTHING compared to what I went through with my FWH's betrayal of me. And I consider us to be in Recovery.

What else can you do? Make yourself transparent to her. Give her all of your passwirds to cell phone, e-mail. Be accountable for all of your time. Answer any and all questions she has.

I wish you the best of luck. Your family is in my prayers.

drpeppertx,

I'll be straight up with you.

Right now everything is up to your wife. You made a decision which hurt her far more than you can understand unless it has been done to you. She does not owe you a chance. If it is her decision to file for divorce, you have exactly the same amount of say in that decision as she had when you chose to betray her – none.
It is very possible that because of what you have done your marriage is over, your family is destroyed, and you’re about to become a weekend Dad.

With that said… you sound remorseful for what you have done, and you seem to grasp what you have done. Those things are good.
You say you have cut all contact with the OW. That is essential.
Do you work with this woman? If you do, find another job NOW.

Next… take a look at yourself; I mean a real look. Why did you do this? Was it because you needed some excitement in your life? Was it because something was missing at home? Was it because you needed to be a “knight in shinning armor” for this woman?

Whatever the reason you have to look within yourself and find the heart of it. In most cases people need help in this endeavor so it would be a good idea to start looking for a good pro-marriage councilor for you to start seeing.

Basically what I am saying is that while the ball is in your wife’s court you need to start serious work on yourself. Don’t wait to see what she is going to do. Start fixing yourself right now because if you do get another at bat you are going to have to be ready and able to knock it out of the park on the first pitch.

The trust issue in the long run is one of the hardest things for a BS to overcome. Right now your wife shouldn’t trust you. You are an adulterer. There is no worse liar on the face of the earth. You lied to the person who placed her heart in your hands. You lied to your children by being unfaithful to their mother. Why should she trust you? Why should anybody trust you?

Your only hope is to influence her through your actions. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but right now you’re just a lying cheater so what you say is of no value.

You have to become a VERY humble Superman if you are to have any chance at all. Read everything on this site and take action. If you tell your wife this has changed or that has changed it will do you no good. Let her SEE the change. Let her see that your every waking moment is 100% devoted to becoming a better person; to never again be the person who destroyed her world.

My first wife didn’t give me that chance. She caught me and told me to leave. She told me she wanted a divorce and proceeded to file as quickly as possible. There was no discussion, no opportunity to fix things… nothing – cut and dry, I cheated on her so it was over. I had no say and deserved none.

You see… I did the same thing to myself and my family that you have done to yours. I am not trying to attack you, or as they say around here get out a 2X4, I am simply trying to tell you the reality of where you are as seen by somebody who has been there.

My prayers are with you drpeppertx.
I truly hope you get the opportunity that I didn’t. More importantly, if you get that opportunity I hope you are man enough to pay your penance and make things right with your family.

Cruz

Hi doc!

I am new here to the boards and just found out Friday (I mean I found the proof but I had a strong feeling for months) that my husband of 19 years was having an affair. I have to echo what many others are saying. That hurt goes so deep into your heart and soul, it aches in every part of your body, it feels like anything you may have had with your spouse before that time is shattered into a million pieces.

I have taken my husband back. This was a huge eye opener for me and it made me see how many mistakes and how much was taken for granted before this affair happened. YET, he is the the one who took that step into another womans arms without giving my thoughts any consideration. I think that hurt will always be there, it will always haunt me. It is in my thoughts most of the day. Maybe that will dwindle after time if we can both go with the plan we have put in place.

I think you have to be very patient with her. You have to bend over backwards and prove your love to her even if she does not respond. You have to answer ANY questions she may have and be 100 percent honest. You have to comfort her. Maybe she will never be able to take you back. That is the sad reality of infidelity.

I hope you can find that door that will lead you back to her.

The others are correct in that your wife does have an option to divorce you for your infidelity. That is her choice.

However, despite how much you might want to believe that you should just roll over and take whatever you get offered in a divorce settlement, DON'T DO IT!

If you don't want a divorce and sincerely want to reconcile, fight it. Love with wife more than you ever have as best you can through this, but don't roll over and die. You will regret that.

Despite your infidelity, your kids deserve their father.

I know it's going to be a lot, but if she's determined to divorce you, you don't have time to fix "your issues" (which you need to do).

You may have lost your wife. You don't have to lose your kids and your shirt.

Low

well speaking as a betrayed spouse i can say that it will take time for her to get over the shock of it. i was spinning for 2 weeks also tossed ws out but realized that i loved him and wanted to make this work. to bad he isn't to the point you are. read about plan a and try some of those things. also see if she would be willing to go to counseling for her. it really helps clear the picture. but don't be suprised if it bites you. she's really hurting right now.

If you really want some help, here are a few suggestions:

1. Read His Needs/Her Needs. You need to know HOW to communicate with your W. This is in addition to the fact that she is now emotionally injuried and feels betrayed by your actions.

2. Take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire located in the concepts section above. Ask your W to take it also and read each other's results. If she won't take it, you take is once as yourself and once as her. C/b quite revealing.

3. Call Steve H @ MB for some emergency phone counseling. Let him know you are the Xws who desparately wants to reconcile but know that your W is deeply hurt. See is she can sit in on your 2nd session with Steve.

4. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

The point where you are in your recovery is where many here wish t/b but are not yet. Your W is not appreciative of that fact..... yet. But in time she could be. Right now it is more about the fact that she is angry and hurt. Her giver is in hiding and her taker is out for revenge. Read the book: GIVER/TAKER by Dr. Harley.

Best advice, work on you. Show your W that you have learned from this horrible mistake and ready to work on your M with her.

take care,
L.

How r u doing?

L.

I am doing ok. I guess? My wife and I have spoken. We spoke on Sunday and then again on Monday. On Monday, she told me that she was sorry because she felt as if she had pushed me into my affair. She said that her long hours were difficult and that she knew that I had tried to talk to her. Of course I told her that it wasnt her fault and that there was no excuse for what I have done.

Since then she hasnt spoken to me much. We got into an argument about if she wanted to work on our marriage or not and I was probably pushy. She is now not talking to me at all. I am trying to give her space and do my own thing with therapy, work, etc..... However, it is just so hard. I realize what I have lost and that I miss her terribly. I wish I could take her pain away and salvage our marriage but at this point, i dont think she is interested. Thanks for asking about me, I appreciate it.

Oh and I have finished both How to Survive an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. They were both REALLY helpful, but right now I am the only one who wants any help.

DRPEPPERTX

Good to hear from you. Is your W willing to read here? It may do her good. Glad to know you both read the books. Have you both taken the EN questionnaire?

See when you can schedule a phone session or 2 with Steve. Whether your W is ready to work on recovery or not, you need a recovery plan.

Let your W know that I said (I am a BS), she is quite fortunate that you recognize your error and willing to put your all into recovery. She may not trust your input right now because of the betrayal and she may want to remind you of that loss of trust periodically. Know it can happen and have a plan on how to hold onto your M.

Right now your W may want you to prove your integrity more than your love for her. Love is not a pretty word to use in a M after an A. That word is bantered around with an OP and c/b a trigger to the BS. So use other words like trust, loyalty, keeping her safe, happy, etc. Let her know you have her interests at heart and even if she rejects or yells at you, understand it is the WS attitude she is angry with not you as her H.

You could even ask her if she is angry with you for being a good H or a awful WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> BTW, as a BS we want the WS t/b bad at being a WS. LOL!!! ;d

take care,
L.

Hi drpeppertx,

You wrote: “We got into an argument about if she wanted to work on our marriage or not and I was probably pushy.”

Just a bit of advice from a voice of experience (I am a former wayward spouse "FWS"). Don’t argue or be pushy with your wife (W). Show her that you are willing to hear what she has to say. LISTEN to what she says and be committed to trying to understand how SHE is feeling.

I know you feel desperate and it is tempting to argue and try to get her to understand your feelings and needs, and even to defend yourself, but now is a good time to be quiet and let her talk. Humble yourself and be contrite.

I agree with Low Orbit that IF your marriage (M) does end, you have a right to protect your relationship (R) with your children and your finances. However, you don’t have a right to try to control your W's emotions. She will likely be on a roller coaster emotionally, not just for a few weeks, but possibly months or YEARS, if she decides to work on the M.

Take deep breaths, take this one day at a time, or even one second at a time, if need be. Get counseling for yourself even if your W doesn’t want to go. Determine to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over being a different, better person and husband (H). If your W decides to work on the M, get marriage counseling (MC) with someone who is pro marriage. Read the books and do the homework.

God bless,

Rose