Though my D-Day occured in April 2002, I just found this site to help with my continued recovery. I posted a short version of my story on Recovery, but hope I can get more help from this forum.
Several years ago, my H started going out to bars after work. He'd call as he was leaving work to inform me he'd be a little late. He did this to easily exclude me as we had small children (besides, I didn't like the bar scene). He would come home, stumbling, at 2 or 3 or even 4 in the am. He denied any affairs but I at least new there was an addiction. I nagged and nagged. He then cut way back on his drinking.
In Feb of 2002, I discovered he had replaced his alcohol addiction with drugs-meth. He still spent many evenings away from home. We had 3 sons that I tried to protect and raise on my own. He entered a drug rehab for 28 days. He called every night, begged for forgiveness, professed his love for me and the boys and promised to be the best husband and father.
When he got home, things seemed great! Then, I realized he was talking to a woman that he had met at the rehab. (she was a resident assistant who had recently been fired) He also got in trouble with his out patient counselor for sending flowers to a married woman who was still in rehab.(I learned this from a friend of his). I begged him to stop these relationships. He refused to give up his "friendship" with the former RA.
I started snooping and found calls to her from his cell phone 10-20 times a day! He'd talk to her for 2 hours sometimes. One day, I left him home with the kids while I went shopping. I called home soon after I left and the line was busy. I continued to call for the next 2 hours, still busy. When I returned home, he said he was on the phone with his buddy. Puleeeeeze! Two guys do NOT talk that long! I finally called the OW and she claimed to not even know who my H was. Red flag! I called him and he said they were "just friends" and I couldn't make him stop talking to his friends.
I begged him for NC. I begged for MC. He said he needed to leave for awhile. Move in with a single guy friend. I protested. I was furious that I stuck by him through all this drug and alcohol s***t and he was going to leave ME?!
He then admitted to a PA with a co-worker several years ealier. He did this so it would be easier to let him go. Many drunken nights, he ended up in her bed, then came home. He also admitted to intimate kisses with a few other co-workers. I was devastated but let him go.
He still called every day but never came around. The boys and I rarely saw him. He dyed the gray out of his hair, bleached his teeth, went to a tanning salon, and played on 3 different softball teams.
One evening, my sons and I were going out for ice cream. My oldest son spotted my H's car in the parking lot of a tattoo parlor. Then, there was my H, standing on the porch of this place with the OW!! He had a tattoo on his arm.
I finally realized that i was no longer going to beg him to come home, go to MC, or repair our marriage. I was going to do what my IC had been advising. I stopped calling my H. My sons and I starting doing things w/out my H. We decided to go fishing. I bought a fishing license, fishing poles, etc... The night before we were going, my H called to talk to the boys. They told him what we were going to do. He wanted to talk to me. He was upset that we didn't invited him. I explained that he and his OW no longer fit into our lives and we were going to learn to live w/out him. We didn't hear from him for a week.
His mother came from out of state for a visit. She told him to grow up and be a man. If he didn't want to be married, then get a divorce. But he couldn't "divorce" his sons. While she was here, we went to the waterslides, baseball games, and had picnics as a family. I was aloof to my H, but was glad for the time he was finally spending with his sons.
After being separated for 3 months, he asked if he could come home. Funny, I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted anymore! But, for my sons, I agreed but with terms. NC with the OW (he swears it was only an EA, hard for me to believe), change his cell #, hand the finances over to me, let me know EXACTLY where he his and what he is doing at every moment of his life and MC. He agreed.
Since then (Aug. 2002), he has been very involved with his sons. I always know where he is. I have no questions concerning his actions.
HOWEVER, I still cannot completely forgive him. I have triggers (songs, tattoo...) that set me off. I know he has not been totally honest about the past. I've asked about certain days, situations, that still grind on me. His answers are always the same. "I don't remember" "That was a long time ago." "I already told you." I need to know (not the gorey stuff like "How was she in bed?" but, "Did you have a PA with that other co-worker?) If he never comes completely clean, will I ever get over it? Should I just accept that he's devoted to me and my sons and just "forgetaboutit"?
I just bought the book "Surviving an Affair" and starting reading.
Any help is appreciated!!!

Tatertot

I'm no diplomat so I guess I'll just say no you are not a fool or anything like one for getting triggers still & for wanting to know the details you want.

I wanted, no demanded to know them and they stunk, but I felt I had to have them to have any chance of forgiving my w.......and I mostly have.... though still get angry perhaps will for a very long time.
My w feared to give those to me for a while thinking it would make matters worse, perhaps did for a week or so but not long, but it put the crap in persepctive for me.

That is probably what he thinks & fears, that you will 'find' out he was having sex with OW. Yeah sure as if you are so silly to have thought otherwise... but I suspect he fears that. Now expect it to hurt no matter what you think about it, this detail will hurt you, just be ready for that.

Tell him that if he truly wants to obtain forgiveness and continue to rebuild a new M out of the mess he made of the old one, he needs to be honest with you about this.
You may need to reassure him that you truly do expect the worst and that it will not hurt the recovery UNLESS he lies about it. Of course you may become upset during this but better now then to have it hanging over your heads sometime down the track. Tell him that too. He needs to know your fears and hurts as well.

doesn't this all suck? but if we are here at least its a place where there is a lot of help around.
All the best

I spent the day reading "Surviving an Affair". I filled out the EN questionaire and made a copy for my H to fill out. I'm stumped, though. Why are we all trying so hard to make our WS happy? Why are we all trying so hard to keep them from straying again? I feel anxious when my H comes home from work. I'm afraid he'll be angry with me and the boys because everything isn't perfect at home. He's angry alot and I can't seem to talk to him. Why should I be so concerned about meeting his EN's when mine are not being met? Why would I want to be married to a man who betrayed me and continues to lie about it?
Our communication sucks. I'm afraid he'll look elsewhere. That is how EA's begin and he seems to be prone to them. I feel like I've just set myself up for more heartache. Yeah, I know where he is. No money is missing. He's coaching our son's little league teams. BUT my EN's are not being met. He feels he doesn't need to meet those as long as he is meeting the family and financial committments.
I'm so damn lonely that I just sit and dwell on the past. I can't seem to get certain images out of my head and because he won't talk to me, I feel like I'm about to explode!
It's 10:45pm and he's still not home from work (I expected him about 8:30). He got angry at me earlier and hung up on me. I just wanted to know when he was coming home so I could make sure the house was picked up so he wouldn't yell at me and the kids.
I feel helpless and worthless. I don't want my sons to see me cry but it's so hard sometimes.

Tatettot - Welcome to MB.

Perhaps it would be helpful to read through an old thread on Forgiveness. Here is the link if you'd like to do more reading on this topic:

Forgive? Trust? Really? What has been learned in the past year?

Thank you, ForeverHers.

I have been reading your thread, though haven't finished just yet. I find myself rereading some of the passages to better understand before I move on.

I agree that a successful marriage consists of a loving couple and God. I also believe that a loving God does not expect a spouse to stay in a marriage with continued abuse. Yes, infidelity is abuse. My H and I both grew up in the Catholic church and we all know its stance on divorce. However, even the Catholics have guidelines concerning abuse in a marriage. I know that if I need to leave my H for continued infidelity, the church will stand behind me and my children. By God's grace, we will not have to take that path.

I am thankful for your inspirational words and now have some hope. I even retrieved my Bible and opened it up for the first time in, let's say, awhile. Last night, I kept my anger in check and lovingly fulfilled my H's ENs as he unknowingly fulfilled mine right back. We had a wonderful, warm evening.

I don't expect to change this overnight, but I can look forward to being in the same place as you, ForeverHers.

God bless,
Tatertot

Tatertot,

Our timelines are similar. Our second dday was 6-30-02. What alarms me about what you have written is that you sound like you are in a very similar situation as we were after dday #1. He wanted it all to go away; I didn't feel I had all the answers; we just accepted life as it was with no real movement toward improving our relationship.

Your husband is a man who has shown that he can only go so long without having his emotional needs filled. After a turn he feels "entitled" to pour out his story of woe to any kindly female who will listen and BAM! you'll be on your second dday.

That is what happened to us. Don't let it happen to you.

Your husband is NOT meeting your emotional needs, clearly. So what do you do? Just what you are doing. Lovingly tell him in plain words that you want -- and hope he wants -- a living, thriving, intimate, honest marital relationship filled with all kinds of good things. Tell him it pains you to have survived the affair only to feel so lost and lonely, when what you really want is to be a vital part of his life.

Give him praise for his devotion to the kids, and tell him that meets one of your emotional needs (as it does for most women). ASK FOR MORE!!!

After dday 2, we both figured that was it for our marriage and we became more honest with each other. It took a few months, but I got every detail about Affair #1 and Affair #2 that I needed. Without the information, I could not have moved forward to true forgiveness. I find it hard to truly forgive a person who I think is likely to harm me again. I was protecting myself by limiting my emotional involvement with my own husband.

Once I knew he was honest, forgiveness came easily. But moving on and forging a new relationship has been hard work over the last three years. And none of it would have been possible on my part until I knew he had changed and had nothing to hide from me.

Do you want this marriage? Then talk with your husband tonight. It's scary to be brutally honest. But it is necessary. Love him enough to let him know what you want and ask what he needs from you. Then try to provide that for him and see what happens.

God bless.

~ Snow

TT, I'm happy that it has helped you a little.

Just remember that it does a take a lot of time to work through it all. Remember,too, that it's okay to feel anger, etc., BUT we can also CHOOSe how we act and what our behavior will be regardless of how we might be feeling.

It's pretty much the way we fall in love, we first act in loving ways even though we, or the object of our love, is not "in love" right now.

God bless.

Holy cow, Snowbelle! Are you hiding behind my couch? Yes, you hit the nail. He does want to forget about it. He thinks the only way we can move forward is to stop talking about it. Says he is a changed man and I should be thankful for what is going on in the present. He has admitted that he tends to have EAs (also admitted to EAs and PAs during his 1st, but short marriage), but swears that is all in the past. I'm insecure because he doesn't always open up about his feelings. Says he's fine and doesn't have anything he needs to talk about. I'm afraid he'll go to someone at work and open up. I've told him my fears. He says I have nothing to worry about.

I know I have 1 D-Day, but I know there are other EAs and possibly PAs that I do not know all the details about. That is what I need to know. He refuses to discuss them.
I haven't been able to talk to him lately. He's been working extra hours and took on an additional job doing security from 10:00pm-2:00am a few days a week. I'm looking for a job so that he can back off on some of those hours. Me not working has put a damper on our finances. But that's another story!

I'm trying to get us all back into our church. I think that will help us as a couple and a family. I'll call the priest to warn him. However, my H does not want our past discussed with him. I was in IC and we were in MC but haven't gone since Sept 04 because I lost my job and great insurance. Hoping and praying that I will get a job with this national company that will provide these benefits so we can return.

Anyway, I'm hoping on getting some alone time with him tomorrow evening so we can talk. I think I'll head over to Barnes & Noble and buy "His Needs, Her Needs" today. Get some reading in and be prepared. Why am I so nervous about talking to my H?! CRAZY!!!

Tatertot

ForeverHers,
I have been doing my best to not be angry at my H. Seems I could get mad at him for every little, bitty thing as he does with me. I have refused to do that the last couple days and he has also become more loving. I guess it rubs. Anyway, I actually got 2 big, warm hugs from him yesterday and it felt GOOOOOOOD!
Lots to do yet, but I know it's worth it! You and your wife are proof. Thank God I finally found this site with so many success stories.

God Bless,
Tatertot

Okay. I'm reading "His Needs Her Needs" but I can't read it fast enough!! So far - Good Readin'!

In the meantime, can I start fulfilling his ENs before I know exactly what they are? I want to finish the book before I discuss this with him. I have a pretty good idea what his ENs are, but what if I'm wrong? Would that be detrimental to our recovery?

Also...I discussed w/ my H the need for me to join a gym. He expressed interest as well. This would be great for us!!! His company has a discount at a gym that we both would like to join. HOWEVER, the FOW works out somewhere in town but don't know where. I would hate to join this gym and see her there. It would be worse, though, to know my H might run into her. Any ideas? I really don't want to sit in the parking lot 24/7 looking for her car! There has got to be a better way than contacting her.( I know this sounds silly compared to other's problems, but I still live in fear of another D-Day with this OW.)

Tatertot