Situation:
Me BS(46)
WS (43)
2 kids: D(15) S(8)
Married 06/08/85
D-Day 03/17/05

2/27/05 Wife announced she has been in IC for 3 weeks. She was not happy.

Had big discussion after session on 3/10/05. I finally saw the light and began instinctive life changes immediately.

3/16/05 Wife arrives home from work in bad mood. Won't speak. Goes to bed early.

Found letter from OM(56) professing his eternal love morning of 3/17. Wife fell asleep reading it night before and I found it next morning when making the bed. Confronted her at work.

She admits to relationship. Says she ended it the night of the 16th. It began with a coworker in December 04. There was kissing but no sex. I do believe her on this point.

As in most cases, this affair happened because our marriage had become distant. She says she has always questioned whether she ever had passion for me. Whether or not she got married for the right reasons. We were definitely not meeting each other's needs for a long time but we never put any work into the marriage either. Wife is a perfectionist-type personality. Questions every decision she has ever made.

Current status: Since D-Day our conversations have been much improved. We talk about work and kids mostly. Relationship talk is sporadic. Her attitude and sense of humor are improving also. We have been bike riding and running together. She has noticed all the changes I have made and is happy for me but she has no feelings of intimacy for me. I finally convinced her to stop seeing her counselor 2 weeks ago after they began discussing separation as an answer to her concerns. She says she feels trapped with no good outcome available.

There is a huge project going on at her work that won't be completed until Late July. She has agreed to MC after that date.

OM status: She says it is over. She agreed to no contact with him after D-Day but she still works with him on a daily basis. He is in his 2nd failing marriage. Our agreement was no contact of any kind that is not work related. There is no evidence of any cell phone calls or any other contact when she is away from work. She says she never loved him and she is willing to work on our marriage but can promise nothing.

She makes an attempt to compliment me on anything I do and we really do not fight about anything. Her counselor told her she has been denying her feelings since childhood and that getting her to change her feelings for me will not work with her. I have tried to get her to take the EN questionnare but she can't do it. She says she cannot imagine me filling some of these needs.

The good news is she is still living with me and sharing the same bed. We last made love in Dec and I recently brought up the subject. She agreed that it might not be a bad idea to start again but I am hesitant (she refused in Feb). I don't want to push intimacy before she is ready for it.I am afraid she is agreeing to it because she knows I want it.

Right now I have been going over every complaint she has ever had in our marriage and am trying to correct them. She said her anger towards me has gone. When I ask what I can do to become a better husband for her she has no answer.

My questions:
Bad marriage counselors scare me. How do I find a good one?

Can I change her feelings for me if she says they were never really there to begin with?

Would we be a good candidate for Dr Harley's home study course or do we need a counselor?

She agreed to go on a Retrouville weekend this fall. Would this be a better way to start our rehab?

Do you experts need more info about our situation before making a judgement?

I feel like I am just treading water here. What more can I do???

Real recovery probably won't begin until she agrees to NC for life as is recommended by Dr. Willard Harley. She or OM would have to change jobs. If she can peek her way out of the fog long enough and if she agrees to work on the MB home study program, she may come to understand that life long NC is what she needs to do.

Don't appear the wimp. Be loving, but firm, consistant, compassionate, and listen but don't react. You can look up Orchid's reverse babble because you may find yourself needing to know that skill when responding to her.

Hi Carnac --

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here. I think you have lots of reason to hope for a good outcome.

My H and I counseled with Steve Harley and I think he or another one there would be very beneficial to you. One thing he told us about the EN questionnaire is to have your wife fill it out without thinking about YOU as the provider of these needs. Have her fill it out as if she were writing this without ANYONE in particular in mind.

That advice helped us get off dead-center and begin to move forward.

We are now counseling with a very carefully chosen counselor face-to-face, but Dr. Harley was very practical, very helpful those first few months.

Good luck and take care,
Michelle