My H and I have been working on fixing our marriage for 5 mos. When the affair was discovered and the truth came out we decided to try to work things out. The other woman has complicated matters by being pregnant. I am trying to get wrapped around the idea of saving the marriage and welcoming this child into my life. My H is the kind that cannot walk away from a child of his and I comend him for that. <BR>Here is the problem, when we first decided to stay married and found out about the pregnancy I asked that there be no contact until it is proven that the child is my H's as the OW was married at the time of the affair.My H agreed and we had an attorney send a letter. About 1 month ago the OW paged my H with a 911 and he went to see her(I was at work at the time) she told him she was having a rough pregnancy and that she was all alone. I came home early that day and could not reach my H so I drove to her home and found him there, he was leaving as I pulled up. We fought and then agreed that he would not go there again with out my knowledge ahead of time and we had to agree that it was ok for H to go alone. ( H did satisfy my fear that he had been seeing her the whole time). Anyway communication with pages stopped but now she is e mailing with info she gathers from mutual friends and she knows that I will see the pages. She is using two diff addresses but the tone and writing style are the same. I am also getting phone calls asking for my H and then when he is not home they leave names like wanda and lola and the like. Now I know them OW is a manipulative woman and I really believe that all of this will get nothing but worse as the preg. goes to term and after. My problem, H will not ask her to stop nor will he believe that she would be doing these things to get to me.<BR>Question: am I crazy?<BR> if you don't think so can you give <BR> advice on how to handle situation?<BR>I really want to confront this woman and ask her to stop but I don't know if I should or if it would even help.<BR>pw

pw,<BR>I have no knowledge on this topic and probably shouldn't even respond, but, my gut feeling is: It will do you no good at all to contact her now or even in the future, she's not going to pay any attention to you what so ever. Also, it will only make you feel worse and keep the thoughts festering in you, plus it will make her happy that you are upset. My advice would be to tell your H to call her ( while you are standing there with him,) and tell her to do this on her own, to get help from her family, friends (do these people have friends) unwed mothers or what ever. You get back to recovery, other women have done this on there own, even if the H is right there with them. Yes, your H will probably want to support the child, want to participate in the more important occations, but if he keeps his distance now, maybe she will find someone who will let her cry on their shoulder, develope a new relationship, and move on with her life, maybe even someone to get legal with and give the child a full time father. As long as your H gives her any attention at all, she will want more, she won't move on, and that is a shakey position for your husband and your marriage to be in. When you recover from an affair, it won't work unless all contacts are broken, in this case that is impossible. I wouldn't even let him, or he should see that it would be a very bad idea, to be there when she delivers, and I'm sure that will come up, after all that is the time for the loving H and W to get closer and to bond togeter with a child who will be the light of their lives. Look at it as something way down the road that you will have to deal with, after you both get passed this point. I know he is thinking of this as a new life that didn't ask for this, and he will have compassion for that, BUT, what about your life and his? If he doesn't think about that, he wouldn't be worth all the time you are putting into this, or the future that you could have together. Course, this is just my opinion. Something to think about. <BR>Almost <P>---------<BR>TIME

i am in a very similar situation, except the baby has been born, they've been to court for support and the judge has ordered a dna test to be done in january (in ny the child must be 6 mos old). <BR> my husband read your post and we both think that it is the responsibility of your husband to stop the contact. he must decide who he wants and then stick to it. he cannot have it both ways. he made a terrible decision and now many will pay for his sin, this child, the ow, and you (just to start with).<BR> i was ready to adopt the baby but the ow changed her mind at the last minute, now we have to wait for the dna test anyway. the in utero test is too unreliable, she had one which just said that it was not her husband's. <BR> i have spoken to the ow and she sounded so sincere, yet she called my husband begging for him to "come back". talking to her will not help. your husband must tell her that he does not want to have anything to do with her, then he must back that up by ignoring her pages, and never seeing her. i will pray for you - my heart breaks for you. it hurts soooooo much. as i sat in that court waiting room looking at that beautiful baby, a week after i miscarried- the pain is intense and it is here to stay, and if it turns out to be his he will have to pay 17% of his income for the next 18 yrs, and have this woman in our lives....if your husband does not start standing up and being a man-decisive and firm, you need to be decisive - get rid of him. try plan a or plan b, because even when she is out of his life the baby makes the pain go on and on - it is impossible to have real closure. so the very least you must demand is that he cut it off with the mother. i am probably too close to the pain to make any sense but there is our opinion. <BR>_newfriend1@excite.com

neen and almost happy<BR>thanks for the responses. I appreciate your input. So much of me wants to confront this woman but I am thinking that you are probably right that I should not contact her. The problem of course is that my H does not want to contact her and tell her to stop for fear that it will come back to bite him later when it comes to dealing with her and the OC. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.<BR>My H has said he wants to stay married or else he would have taken me up on my three or four offers for a divorce that I gave him prior to learning of the affair. Sometimes I just feel like while I love my H I am in a lose lose situation. I am willing to accept this child and spend time with the child but I fear that this W will reach out to hurt me should I ever be foolish enough to allow my H to leave me alone with this child and it were to fall or get injured in some innocent way as children are pron to do. I worry that my life is going to get so complicated that I will be crushed under its weight.<BR>pw

PW<P>If your H is serious about not wanting to contact her....then change your phone number to a silent one and only give it out to friends and relatives..and change your email addresses too...it is not worth the hassle you put yourself thru...if your H wont do it then do it yourself...why put up with it..after all it was him who betrayed you wasnt it..? surely you dont want to put up with the aftermath of his doing as well as trying to cope with your own pain from it..??<P>Its one thing to forgive and rebuild your marriage..its another to take anything that comes because of it...you need a life of your own too...or you will always be without your own power...<P>Sounds like you want to take this child in and raise it as your own..? is this what you want..? is this what the OW wants..? Your H is a man who cannot walk away from a child of his..??? Does this mean that you raise the child..?? paying support is going to be bad enough is it not..???<P> If its more than just child support then this could be fraught with many problems, like the mother who has some say in it too could be a constant thorn in your side reminding you in many subtle and not so subtle ways of their trysts and its result... is that what you want..? and can you live with it.? is it worth that to you..?....does he expect you to take on the responsibility for his actions without any appreciation of the deep undermining of your self esteem and sense of self in the matter..??? what about you..??<P>The mother will love this child too so for your sake I hope you are not selling yourself out in the pretext of saving your marriage...<P>You already have premonitions of it...to quote you...(((("I worry that my life is going to get so complicated that I will be crushed under its weight")))) I agree...<P>If you want your marriage then cut all contact with this woman in any way you can..if your H does not want to do this... then no matter what excuses he gives for not wanting to leave him to her 100% and cut ties with him and the whole affair 100% and go find you...you cannot live in peace in a 4 way relationship him her the child and you...<P>Consider all its implications then listen to your deep intuition purely of what is right for you...and you...and you... not him... not her... not the child...<P>Good luck with your decision and trust yourself... My best wishes are with you....all problems in our lives we invite in as gifts from God to learn and grow from raising our vibrational level to help many others and our planet also...your contribution to this is not small by any means...you have the courage and the innate wisdom to do what is right for you....<P>Many blessings<P>cossie<P><P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

cossie<BR>I have tried to think about what is best for me and oft times I get lost. I love my H and always have. We have had a rocky marriage with many pitfalls but we always seem to bounce back but, then I guess the reality is we get rocky again.<BR>I am not going to take this cild in and raise it but if I remain married then I will accept this child and we will have joint custody and visitation rights via a lawyer.<BR>I will think about what you have said and try to put things in perspective about what compromises I am willing to live with. I have recently gotten a job with a future and I know I have the option to leave but it is hard to give up what you love however painful some of the love is.<BR>pw<BR>I am posting another question and with the new knowledge I have gained you may think me a big fool for staying in my marriage.

PW,<P>Ohh no PW I could never think you a fool where emotional conflicts are concerned...I cannot judge what is right for someone else, I can only give an opinion on what I think from experiences observations and teachings I have encountered.....<P>You will make your decisions based on what your own intuition says and what is right for you...you are totally responsible for your life and what you learn from it you will own...and my blessings go with you.. <P>cossie